Tuesday, November 26, 2019

What did we learn from the 2019 American Music Awards?

Apologies for the delay, but after hearing the American Music Awards were honoring Taylor Swift as the "Artist of the Decade" I laughed so unbelievably hard that I passed out for two days.

Welcome to the American Music Awards! Comprised of 40% live performances, 60% audience shots and 100% nonsensical award decisions! Everything is terrible, so here we go!

This year's theme is: No Pants!
You gotta respect the strict "No pants, no problem" rule.

I guess this is a comeback?
Let me first say that I like Selena Gomez and if you say you don't, you're lying to yourself because "Come and Get It" is STILL that song. She opened the show and first performed that new ballad she wrote about Bieber before segueing into "Look at Me Now," which if you're eating mashed potatoes this is that banger you ordered with it.
I know this is a static image but it accurately depicts the level of dancing she was doing. In one way, it's like good for you girl, dancing when you clearly do not know how to, and in another way, it's like, did she draw inspiration from Britney's '07 VMAs debacle?

Regardless, I will listen to this album repeatedly when it's out.

Ciara continues to perform songs that are not "Goodies" and/or "1, 2 Step"
It's common knowledge that she does not need to release new music. We (the world) would all pay to see her perform 100 different remixes of "Goodies."

I do not have time for this
Halsey won the award for pop/rock song and I guess the excitement of winning literally blew her eyebrows off:
I do not have time for such brow disrespect. I can think of exactly zero times in the history of eyebrows (Emilia Clarke invented them in 2011) that it has been a good idea for someone to CHOOSE flesh-colored eyebrows. Spencer Pratt tried it on "The Hills" and look how that turned out!

Anyway, she gave a pretty passive aggressive acceptance speech aimed at the Grammys (who didn't nominate her this year). A summary of her speech:


You can trust my memory of her speech, I'm nothing if not 65% accurate. Also, I get that she's upset she wasn't nominated for a Grammy, but that's no reason to take it out on her innocent bystander brows.

A collection of men I will not date
I know that Post Malone likely smells like old bread, but that doesn't change the fact that he puts out really, really good music. He performed his song with Travis Scott and Ozzy Osbourne (idk) and as is the trademark move of every rapper who doesn't know what to do with his hands, grabbed his crotch a lot. In this case, he actually might've been doing it because he was confused where his crotch was due to how high-waisted his pants were. A little crotch disorientation.
The best part of this performance was Ozzy sitting in some chair in the background with his mic only slightly on while he mostly did this:
And I would be remiss if I didn't include the Jonas Brothers in a section about men who repulse me!
I have never understood their appeal because their voices aren't that great? And their music is so-so? And they all look like they have hairy bars of soap in their bathrooms? And Nick Jonas has an extra front tooth? Also, I don't want to look it up, but I feel pretty strongly that Nick and Joe must be under 5 feet tall (combined).

When Beyonce, Adele, Rihanna, Drake, Ariana, Gaga, Hilary Duff,  S Club 7 and the guy who sings in the subway station refuse to attend so they give the "Artist of the Decade" award to the person who will
I'm not saying I think all of the aforementioned artists are better than Swifty — I'm saying I know they are. Yes, "1989" is a great album but her half-assed attempt to channel Beyonce's energy in "Reputation" was laughable and her continued focus on writing songs about high school love is concerning because, I don't know, maybe she should mature above dating guys from gym class. Above all, it's hard to put aside the fact that she learned everything about "feminism" from.....Lena Dunham, who might be one of the most problematic and generally terribly ignorant people in pop culture to learn from. ANYWAY, not diving into this pool full of vanilla pudding because, messy.

She won every award she was nominated for partially because "the fans voted" (lolololol) and mostly because she was there, living and breathing, in person. So congrats on the breathing!

The actual most talented person in attendance
Billie Eilish currently uses Invisalign so did I consider doing it too? Yes, but also because of orthodontic reasons, not just so we can be teeth twins (I mean that to sound as creepy as it does). It's actually shocking how talented she is for a 17-year-old. When I was 17, I went to soccer camp and got sunburned so bad, my entire nose peeled off. So nevermind, I guess I do get what it's like to be a teen genius.

She won several awards and fingers crossed this momentum carries and the Grammys don't screw her over like they did to SZA by nominating her a bunch, but giving her nothing.

Can we move past this now
I remain confused by the constant over-the-top show of PDA by Shawn and Camila. It's like, yes I love Doritos, but I don't feel the need to slather my body in them and wear clothes made of them and constantly try to make out with them? Sort of, but also, at some point, people will wonder if there is more to my appeal than my obsession with Doritos.
But a part of me is also like yes, if I bamboozled Shawn Mendes into dating me (not saying Camila did that), I guess I would attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him constantly too. So to summarize: I remain bitter that Shawn's people (not him, obvi) filibustered my Facebook relationship request, therefore impeding our ability to actually date (that's the only reason, the only one thanks).

When you want to show off all 10 belts you bought at Express at once
"Don't Start Now" sounds like the song they blast on repeat in every H&M and I like it. And even if you don't, you gotta give respect to Dua for somehow magically avoiding a camel toe in this getup. She is truly remarkable.

And that's it! With this, I have completed my community service of watching three awards shows in a row that combined are about as meaningful as Kylie Jenner's SAT score.

See you all soon! Til then, find me protesting outside of the Flesh-Colored Eyebrows Coalition and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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