Monday, January 6, 2020

What did we learn from the 2020 Golden Globes?

Welcome to awards show season! We're kicking things off with the Golden Globes, which spoiler alert, for the 77th consecutive year I was not invited to nor did I win any of the categories I was not nominated in. Truly appalling.

Despite that, it's a new year and I'm feeling kinder and jk we must still begin every post by criticizing Rancic and Seacrest. I REFUSE TO CHANGE.
I need to know how many Barbies made the ultimate sacrifice to create this wig. I also need to know how many bags of Cheetos it took to fill the tub she must have soaked in to become this color. Doesn't she have any friends who are like, "Hey G, let's put the orange markers down and let's take that wig back to the set of Toddlers & Tiaras and just get you something natural"? Baffling.

Not to be outdone at this Mensa meeting, Seacrest reminded us he's still a genius interviewer by asking Gwenny Paltrow what she has in her pantry (RIVETING). I can't remember exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like organic moon dust, whittle shavings, grass fed cashew shells from Mars and rare bananas grown in 1898 kept fresh in a cryogenic chamber. Honestly, those are pretty reasonable considering she hasn't been a permanent resident of planet Earth since 1998.

Onto fashion because as someone who wore popped collars for a period in high school, I obviously have highly technical notes about the evening:

Best Christmas Tree
Only Jodie Comer can wear a dress that has the silhouette of a Lindt truffle wrapper and make it look great. She is literally......a snack (yes I hate me too). This dress, which seems to just be one giant silk sheet, looks comfortable as hell. So you know who was comfortably able to drink 15 mini bottles of Moet & Chandon without showing a sign of bloat? This girl. AND POCKETS!! Pockets alone make a dress worthy of all best dressed lists.

Best Laura Dern Looking Laura Dern
For all you historians out there (they're big fans of the blog), bohemian dresses were invented by Laura Dern in the year of our Dern 2010. This would look tacky and frumpy on almost anyone else because no one has the white lady swag of Laura Dern. It is why she is my #2 favorite white lady (#1 is my mom, FYI).

Best Awards Show Debut Look
Ana de Armas' knives are OUT (yes I know that's the cliched response to her, WHATEVS). Yes, pockets! Yes, sequins! Yes middle part! What ultimately complements this look IS THAT BROW RAISE. GIRL. Someone clearly watched a pre-Globes marathon of "America's Next Top Model" because her smizing is off the charts. This was her first awards show (and first nomination) so can't wait to see what those brows bring to the SAG Awards and Oscars.

Also I'm sure I'll revisit this, but she sort of looks like a cross between Jenna Dewan and Megan Fox?

Best Saoirse Like Inertia

I can't not say her name without remembering how she gets people to remember the pronunciation. Y'all might be thinking this dress is boring and honestly if Julianne Moore or Reese Witherspoon (or Without-her-spoon) wore it, it would be. But Saorise ain't usually out here wearing disco ball looking gowns served with a side boob and front slit, so this is a surprising and welcomed change for her.

She was nominated for "Little Women" and I cannot scream enough both online and in Target that I would watch movies directed by Greta Gerwig starring Saoirse and Timothee Chalamet FOREVER.

Best Visual Representation of What Your Stomach Feels Like After Eating Taco Bell's Entire Value Menu
Joey King was nominated for "The Act," which I did not watch because I still have not forgiven her for the hate crime that was "The Kissing Booth." The terribleness of it still gives me shivers.

To the show!

Mi'Busy 2020 is in full swing
As is the norm when Michelle Williams acts in anything, she was nominated for an award. This year, for actress in a mini-series or TV movie for "Fosse/Verdon," which she obviously won. And here's Busy's reaction during Michelle's speech:
Their friendship continues to be the best thing to come out of Dawson's Creek next to that hilarious time Katie Holmes sang "On My Own."

Because she wins 98% of the time she's nominated, Michelle always comes prepared with a meaningful speech that no stage manager would cue walk-off music for:
And because I am also prepared, here are the few audience shots I got of them:
Michelle's fiance Thomas Kail was also there, but the camera operators gave the people what they wanted.

Find someone who looks at you like Reese looks at Leo
This was during Brad's acceptance speech for supporting actor (we're all on a first name basis) and I don't blame Reese. Also does the shadow of her chair make her arm look really cut? Been working them delts. Anyway, Leo looking like a McDonald's hamburger — just not aging and juicy with no expiration date. I don't know if it's because of all the 20-year-old models he dates, but his skin is unbelievable. I'd like to applaud 10-year-old me because I clearly knew Leo was a long-term hottie and recognized it by hanging several foldout posters of him from BOP and BB. Chef's kiss.

I'm not crying you're crying
I think we can all agree that in this bowl of soggy cereal that is Hollywood, Tom Hanks is the one crunchy and sweet piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (that complex metaphor means he stands out because he's genuine, wow keep up). His film career, much like both of Danity Kane's albums, is fully comprised of hits. So it makes sense that he finally won the Cecil B. DeMille Award. His four kids and Rita Wilson were at the show and he choked up thanking them and it was so freaking cute and maybe MAYBE I ALMOST cried. However, physically, I can only cry once per year and I'm saving that one time this year for when Rihanna releases a new album (sorry Tom).

Now, I know we all have our own opinions about which Tom Hanks movie is best but the thing is, if you're saying anything BESIDES "You've Got Mail" you are objectively wrong. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

And this seems like an approp time to share that I dated his son Colin in 2015. That's right. He was waiting in the lobby of my office building and I stood 5 ft away from him and we made eye contact for a solid 3 SECONDS. It was the most magical time of my life because when you know, you know.

Rounding this out by noting his other son Chet used to be a "rapper" who went by the name Chet Haze. I'll let you do your own Googling on that.

How mad is ScarJo that she isn't the first Asian to win this award
Awkwafina won actress in a musical or comedy for "The Farewell," making her the first woman of Asian descent to win a lead actress Golden Globe for a film. Even though it's her debut into dramatic acting, Awkwafina is so so so good in this movie (that's based on experiences from director/writer Lulu Wang's life).

Speaking of Lulu Wang (who is a genius), I just need to note that she's in a relationship with Barry Jenkins (who is also a genius):
Meaning they are just this gorgeous, amazingly creative and talented couple out here making movies like no one else. And just as he was snubbed for the directing award last year for "If Beale Street Could Talk," she was also snubbed this year. THE GLOBES LIVE TO DISAPPOINT!

In which I am also snubbed
Bong Joon-ho won the award for Foreign Film for "Parasite" and even though his English is pretty good, he brought a translator onstage who I was shocked to learn was not me?? So I'm sitting here all Korean looking like a chump??
It's almost as if no one thinks I am a legitimate Korean speaker even though I've watched more than 7 K-dramas AND know all of Blackpink's discography. Wow. The disrespect really jumps out.

Anyway, I know the name "Parasite" makes you think it's a weird horror film, but it's really not. It's more of a thriller with a side of comedy and has such an interesting and surprising storyline. It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes and now it's the first Korean film to be nominated for (and win!) a Golden Globe. Hoping it gets those Oscar noms!

I AM SHOCKED AND UPSET AND SHOCKINGLY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEWS. I immediately looked it up and his wife's name is Joanne and they got married in 2013 AND THEY HAVE A BABY???? Do you think this means their relationship is serious????

Regardless, like best friend Dr. Chloe says, "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score." Hahahaha she doesn't really say that (except when she does). The main takeaway here is while it's a bit unclear, I'm starting to think he might not want to date me. So I'm not going to end this section by saying something vulgar and suggestive like I've got something Adam can Drive. I'm not.

Speaking of my personal life...

I'm no longer dating Rami Malek
It's not because of anything he did (or because he has a girlfriend), it's just that I only have room in my life for one little pocket prince and that is now Timothee Chala-mother-may-I. Rami was upset that I sent him a DM with the news. Here he is about to run away like the Road Runner while eating that same piece of hard candy he's been eating since last awards season:

Cousin Greg is tall as hell
I mean, I knew this from watching "Succession," but seeing him onstage with his tiny cast members magnified his stilt-like nature. I looked it up and he's 6'5", but I swear he looks like he's 8'4" MINIMUM. I love how little 5'6" Kieran Culkin stood far from him because y'all, the first time I saw them next to each other onscreen was like seeing a pen next to a football goal post.

I'm gonna need everyone to watch both seasons of this show partially because it's wildly dramatic and entertaining and mostly because, can someone let me know if I think Jeremy Strong is attractive?
His bearded, manicured mountain man (what up consonance) look is playing with my emotions.

That's it. That's the only note I took, just his name in all caps. His scruffy beard looks like a Brillo pad and AGAIN I am not going to be Josie Grossy and say something like if he's a Brillo pad, I am a dirty pan with baked on grease. I am not because I am mature.

Is this what all stepdads look like?
To recap: Zoe Kravitz's dad is Lenny, her mom is Lisa Bonet and her stepdad is Jason Mamoa. Which means their family photos just spontaneously combust from pure hotness, every year. It's why no one has received a Christmas card ever. And AGAIN, I am not going to sully this blog by saying something like I've got some Aqua he can Man. I don't say that stuff anymore!

When you grace a rinky dink awards show with your presence and still don't win
Beyonce and Jay-Z showed up during Phoebe Waller-Bridge's acceptance speech and surprisingly, stayed through the rest of the show. Even after Beyonce lost original song to Elton John. But I'm pretty sure, of all the A-listers in the room, Beyonce is the one celeb every other celeb wants to talk to so where's the trophy for that.

She also remained seated while everyone else gave Joaquin Phoenix a standing ovation when he won, because Bey knows he is not talented enough to be as weird as he is. Just the facts.

And that's it! The show only ran a little long (much like this post, holy crap). And honestly, the secretive process through which winners are decided is kind of bogus EXCEPT for when the actors and shows and movies that I want to win, win. In that case, they are correct and unbiased and make sense.

Glad to be back in the best season of the year with you all! A time that'll be rudely interrupted by The Bachelor — see you tomorrow for that!

Til then, find me still in a state of shock to learn that mayonnaise is really good? Did everyone already know this? And also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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