Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 1)

Now that we've had plenty of rest and relaxation over the holidays and our minds are feeling renewed, let's get stupider with the 954th season of The Bachelor starring Peter the Pilot!
We're going to be reminded every other second that Peter's persona is defined by two things:

1) He's a pilot, as you can tell by what must be a closet full of leather jackets and plain white Ts
2) He had sex in a windmill, four times

These two points will come up more than Peter did in that windmill (HAHA wow I really outdid myself, you're welcome).

Also, Peter is cute and I was mildly obsessed with him during Hannah's season, but this show is trying to portray him as some sort of sexy fighter pilot straight out of Top Gun when in reality, he's a Delta pilot that probably flies those little ass planes between Atlanta and Charlotte. Still cool! I personally have only piloted a plane 4 times, so it is commendable, but let's keep our expectations in check.

Keeping our expectations in check is actually pretty easy when we get scenes like this:
I'm not sure who's in charge of deciding what things are sexy but having a guy shoot a high powered hose into his mouth is not it. Also, we all took a poll and we like Peter for his face and hair and clothes on.

Anyway, to the first episode!

If your boobs aren't out, you're a loser
There must be some sort of requirement in the ladies' contracts about boobs. This first night surely caused a shortage both in low-cut gowns and also boob tape. I hope all the boob tape farmers out there are doing okay. And because accuracy is my forte (lolol) not EVERY woman came out cleavage a'blazin. This girl whose name no one remembers wore a high-necked gown:
And she obviously got sent home because if your gown would be appropriate at a high school dance, it ain't gonna fly in the Bachelor Mansion.

Now let's talk about a few of the standout ladies...

The Asian we're rooting for this season
Jasmine lives in Houston with her best friend, a golden retriever named Gnarles Barkley. Most notably, she is one of the rare Asians who doesn't have blonde highlights.

She greets Peter with some Vietnamese phrases and later uses her time with him to share pho. Pho!
I like her the most because of how amazingly silky her hair is (the standard way to objectively judge people) and also did I mention the pho. We're all about the noodity around here.

Others I considered letting carry our rice baton:

We meet Tammy during the episode's opening montage. She is from Syracuse and was on the boys wrestling team in high school, a point that can only be proven by having her wrestle some squishy pink man wearing what appears to be a huge cup:
We also get to see her deadlift while making this face that I'm still laughing at:
Tammy says she loves to travel a lot so she already loves Peter and I mean, you can't blame a girl for trying to get those free flights.

And the third Asian hope who was considered, Eunice, shows up in angel wings as some clever way to show that she's a flight attendant.
She says "Because I'm a flight attendant, I'm different from the other women" just before two more flight attendants show up, meaning we have a fully staffed flight and can depart this nightmare of a show. Or well, Eunice can anyway because despite that fresh balayage, she's sent home at the end of night one.

This girl sounds like Elizabeth Holmes
Kelley also gets profiled in the beginning and we learn she's a lawyer who has worked her way up, haha jk she works at her daddy's law firm with her brothers. We learn that she actually met Peter before the show when she was in LA for a wedding and he was at the same venue for his high school reunion. They don't go into detail about what happened between them I assume because they were both blackout. Magical.

Something about her is off to me (and not just the fact that she founded Theranos). I'm not convinced she "happened" to run into Peter a few months ago. And the number of times she emphasizes she wasn't sure about coming on the show is suspect. It'd be like if I stared at a bowl of fried chicken while yelling "I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE CHICKEN" even though my trunk is full of empty KFC buckets. That metaphor works.

Because they've met and Peter can remember her name, Kelley will def stick around for a while.

Did someone order the crazy
It's a well known fact that EVERY season of this horrendous show has at least one crazy ass kookaburra. This season, it's Mykenna! Congrats girl! So off the bat, McKenna states that Peter is the guy she's been dreaming of and wanting to marry her whole life. Bitch your WHOLE life? There is no way this "fashion blogger" did not have a phase of wanting to marry Justin Bieber. There just isn't.

I am positive she will give Peter some homemade gift at some point that either includes her blood or locks of hers and Peters hair woven into a bracelet.

My favorite thing she does the entire episode is scream through what appears to be dungeon prison bars when Hannah shows up:

Oh yeah, Hannah is here
Not to join the house (yet), but to return the pilot wings Peter gave to her when they first met so he can give them to his future wife. They hug like 10 times and it's clear she regrets flushing her season down the pooper and also clear that he's still in love with her. Great!

Back to this super unique bunch
I already have a hard time keeping track of the 400 women who arrived in clown cars on the first night, but to make matters worse, Peter apparently told the producers he likes brunettes with light eyes. I'm not even entirely sure these are two different women. But they allege their names are Madison (left) and Hannah Ann (right or left who knows). We meet both of them in the opening montage, because, equality.

Madison is still flying high off her high school glory days, where she won four basketball state championships and her trophy each year was a cardboard cutout of herself.
A couple of those cutouts might be actual contestants on the show, it's hard to know. So Madison is from Alabama where you are mandated from birth to attend either the University of Alabama (per Hannah from last season) or Auburn. We learn that Madison went to Auburn, where she actually put on real clothes to go to class, which no one can relate to because most of us looked like the girl behind her in Nike Tempo shorts and an oversized T-shirt from a sorority hosted 5K.
More on Madison later. Let's talk about Hannah Ann who is allegedly not Madison!

Hannah Ann, who for brevity's sake I'm gonna call Hann, lives with her parents in Tennessee and models. She also likes to paint (she really does it all) and is kind enough to share this masterpiece with Peter that her and her dad painted together:
I'm not entirely sure why this painting required two people, but I guess one person focused on the blue mountains and one person focused on the tiny vaginas.

Hann continually says she is "not aggressive" which is exactly what tiny aggressive girls say before being aggressive. She steals Peter away THREE times during the evening so she obviously gets the first impression rose because Peter remembers her name and also might be slightly scared.

The real hero of the night
Katrina is a pro sports dancer who has danced for the Kansas City Chiefs and Chicago Bulls. She first greets Peter by saying "You're going to fall in love with my," which is I believe how the love story in Casablanca also began. She is actually referring to her hairless cat, which she shows him a framed photo of (where she pulled the framed photo from, I'll never know).

Once in the mansion, she drinks like 15 glasses of champagne before talking about Peter like he's a freshly opened buffet. Later during her time with him, she mostly does this:
Just out here living her best life. She obviously doesn't get a rose and I hope she at least stopped at McDonald's on the way home.

The first Rose Ceremony
At this point it's like 4 am and these women have been in gowns and full hair and makeup for almost 12 hours so can you blame a few of them for sleeping.
I have zero recollection of that women in the upper left, but I'm pretty sure she went home along with 8 other women. Peter whittles the group down to 21, which is a more reasonable number to have fight over you.

The first group date
Drawing inspiration from middle school social norms, the first group date includes like 9 women and 1 guy. It takes place on an airfield, because did you know that Peter is a pilot? The group is greeted by two female Marine pilots (one of which was the first female Blue Angel) and while these women have likely endured hardship and unbelievable challenges throughout their military careers, enduring this show might be one of the most painful.
The date begins with a little math trivia which is just what this group excels in. One of the questions asks how many feet are in a mile to which our main girl Jasmine responds:
While she looks uncertain in this shot, just before this, she confidently tells sleepy boobs next to her "It's 30,000 feet. I'm sure." Y'ALL 30 THOUSAND FEET. That is the altitude most planes fly at. I can't fault her though, I took pre-calc in college as my required math and got a C+. WE CAN'T HAVE IT ALL.

Next they get into some giant spinny thing (precise name) meant to mimic what it would be like to be inside a dryer I guess. During this, Victoria P. is brave enough to share her extremely traumatic childhood experience — when she was a kid, she rode the teacups at Disneyland and threw up.
I love how the show attempted to make giant cutesy teacups look so terrifying and horrific.

Despite her very unique traumatic experience, Victoria gets on the spinny thing, which she immediately regrets after. She runs to the bathroom and honestly we don't know if she shits her pants or throws up (what a cliffhanger). Peter checks on her and brings her water because if there's anything you want to do immediately following throwing up, it's ingest more liquids.
Following the math and spinny thing, we head outside for a flight-themed obstacle course because did you know that Peter is a pilot? Part of this includes the women trying to walk up a greased up mat while an industrial fan blows at them and I'm not lying, this was one of the funniest things I have ever seen:
They really got these women out here dressed in flight suits with inflated life vests rolling around in what looks like baby vomit. Eventually the competition gets down to Elizabeth Holmes (Kelley) and Asian wrestler Tammy who have to ride bikes around this small, but CLEARLY marked, course. Tammy follows the course while Kelley takes her ass straight on through like the Kool-Aid man busting through a wall:
Again, shoutout to the show for this necessary graphic featuring only the best Comic Sans. Kool-Aid man pisses off Tammy and the other ladies with her cheating but she doesn't care because it earns her a plane ride with Peter.

Later during the evening portion of the date, everyone ignores WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PLATTER OF HUGE PIGS-IN-A-BLANKET?
This show is disrespectful for an endless number of reasons, but this one might take the cake (and then leave said cake ignored and uneaten).

At the end of the night, Kelley's deep voice and cheating ass gets the group date rose.

A very normal first date
High school basketball star Madison gets the first one-on-one. She greets Peter like a toddler running to her dad while learning to walk:
This is actually a great dress and her hair extensions look really good. He surprises her with a pretty standard first date between two people who met a day ago: His parents vow renewal.
Because there's no better gift you can give your parents than bringing a girl you just met who volunteered for a show featuring 400 future Fit Tea brand ambassadors begging for your attention. And this on their milestone anniversary of....33 years. The ol' 33rd anniversary (shoutout to Lea for pointing this out). During this vow renewal we are also reminded of Peter's adorable brother, Jack:
Okay that's not the best shot of him, but you sort of get the picture.

Later at a dinner that appears to just be a bunch of glasses, they talk about how family oriented they are and how they both want successful and loving marriages like their parents. Madison admits it'll be hard to "share" Peter, so it's a good thing she isn't on some nightmare reality show where her potential husband will be dating 20 other women. They're both then like "Let's see who has the bigger neck" and get to measuring:
And we can't wrap up this one-on-one date without a performance by an unknown country group, so that happens next!
You know what would be more surprising and entertaining? If the musical act was 2Chainz rapping "Birthday Song" that includes the heartfelt lyrics "All I want for my birthday, is a big booty ho." I'd swoon.

Peter obviously gives Madison a rose and I'm sure she'll be top four at least.

Whose season of The Bachelor is this anyway
For the second group date, Peter tells the ladies he's asked "a friend" to plan the day and of course it's Hannah, again.

The women are lucky enough to hear her describe hers and Peter's journey from super sweet to super windmilly. Wow. It's truly every girl's dream to have your future husband's ex give a monologue about sex with him.
Hannah lets the group know that for this date, they'll all need to share a story about a sexual experience. And like remember when Miley Cyrus smoked weed once then talked about it nonstop and created an entire album around it? Well, it's like Hannah and Peter had sex once (x4) and now think they invented it and are here to liberate everyone's sexuality. We get it! Let's move on!
Also, I like Hannah but um, she had her shot. And she really really really blew it by choosing a "singer" with a huge, weirdly shaped head who cheats instead of hot, sensitive model Tyler or free Delta flights Peter. This is now Peter's time to make bad decisions! Which he's clearly doing by entertaining the idea of Hannah joining the house!
That's right. While crying an entire tube of mascara out, she admits how hard this is for her because she still cares for him and he asks what she would think about joining the house and she's like maybe and blah blah THIS AINT YO' SEASON GIRL, THE UBER'S OUTSIDE.

More crying happens and Peter keeps saying how confused he is, so anyway this is such a healthy emotional environment for a guy to find a wife in and the women are so lucky to be competing for a guy who is clearly not over his ex.

But because of how much they're playing this Hannah drama up, I feel pretty positive she will not join the cast because wtf. Guess we'll see!

See you next week! Til then, find me crying while listening to Lana Del Rey because I just found out Peter's brother has a girlfriend and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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