Monday, January 20, 2020

What did we learn from the 2020 SAG Awards?

I will repeat this every year — I love the SAG Awards. There isn't a televised red carpet, which means we are spared 3 hours of the potatoes Seacrest and Rancic trying to blend in with the beautiful gourmet fruit basket of celebs. And like public transit in Japan, the SAG Awards are UNBELIEVABLY on time. I feel confident asserting they are the only show that actually knows how to read a clock and like, runs according to this weird new thing called....a schedule.

Awards are only given for acting meaning this is just celebs getting in a circle and patting each other on the back for two hours (notice I avoided calling this a "circle jerk" because I am above that simple, immature humor).

Let's get to the best on-time show of the season!

Best dressed
Despite the fact that awards season is being a petty little bitch to J.Lo by not giving her the recognition she deserves for Hustlers, she's still out here looking better than everyone else. Loving the middle part long bangs circa-2002 she's got going on complemented by some standard accessories — $9 million in Harry Winston diamonds. NINE MILLION. NOT ONE OR TWO. NINE. Honestly it's sort of lazy for her to copout at 9 and not hit 10. I also really like the varying textures of her gown and the giant bow because I love comically large (or small) versions of things.

Charlize said it's crop top season year round y'all! Here's the thing about Charlize Theron that I bravely want to be the first to declare — she has a really really really really good face. Those cheekbones! Who needs contouring when you've got cheekbones that could carve an ice sculpture. She could honestly wear CVS receipts and guacamole and still look amazing. In a sort of "stars are like us!' moment, she mentioned she didn't have time to get her roots touched up, but then emphasized she is not one of us by sharing she just had her stylist CASUALLY DRAPE A TIFFANY'S BRACELET DOWN HER PART. If you haven't done that to hide your roots, you're poor (me, I haven't done that I am poor).

These weirdos are cute
If you hate salt, have no taste and haven't seen Stranger Things, this is Natalia Dyer and Charlie Heaton. I wanna say they've been dating for a couple years now and they're sort of oddly adorable? They look like one of those wildly intense couples, like they read thick ass novels to each other while maintaining extended periods of eye contact and have agreed to only laugh twice per year. And they buy vintage Levi's (they wear the same size, so it's easy to share) and hope to one day have an oat milk farm where they live out their days milking the oats. Anyway, I haven't thought about this much and I know they both look like they're allergic to the sun, but they're cute and they're always pretty fashionable together.

Mmm so jealous this looks delish
Following the Golden Globes' and Critics Choice Awards' plant-based dinners, the SAG Awards were like "We can do that too!" and served this super decadent meal. I guess in some way it's hilarious that this room is full of A-listers and they're being served beans and big ass carrots on top of some leaves. This looks like a "meal" college me would've "cooked" from random things in the fridge. But why did they mess around with giving them so many utensils though, like you need four forks to eat a carrot.

My #2 favorite white lady Laura Dern picked up another award to throw in the trunk on her way to the Oscars and looked great doing it. Even chose a gown to match the trophy! That Laura Dern, always one step ahead. She thanked her dad, Bruce Dern, who was also there because he has a small (and sort of weird but funny) role in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

I want to be very clear — I will not watch Marriage Story. Three people have told me it's boring as hell and that's three more than I would require to convince me not to watch. Moreover, I cannot stand ScarJo. But! I have watched Laura Dern's clips because I know (without watching in full) that she is the best part of this movie. Exhibit A:

HOW DOES SHE KEEP HER HAIR SO VOLUMINOUS? And okay some people are saying we're in this sort of "Dern'aissance" so she gets nominated for breathing, but that's only because her breathing is the best and also CAN I SEE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT, THANKS.

She's def winning the Oscar this year and whether she knows it or not, the prize that accompanies every Oscar featuring the nameplate "Laura Dern" also gets me living with them for a year! Yay!

It makes no sense why he won't date me
When Adam Driver was walking the red carpet, he stopped to talk and take photos with some Army guys in uniform and it's like, had I known that was a possibility I probably would've stayed in the Army a while longer. The recruiters should really tell you about your chances with Adam Driver when you sign your contract.

A little known fact, the movie "Baby Driver" is actually based on what I plan to yell at him if I get within yelling distance. They just forgot the comma a couple words, because it's more like "...give me a BABY, DRIVER!" I'll see myself out.

Clapping men in glasses I enjoy
Omg Mahershala with the wedding ring shot, I GET IT YOU'RE MARRIED AND I GUESS OVER ME. While I have a storied past with Mahershala, Pedro Pascal is actually new to my imaginary love life. You may remember him as the guy who got his head squeezed like a lemon in Game of Thrones or more recently, for his silky smooth voice in the baby Yoda-centered show The Mandalorian. Wherever you know him from, he's hot. And they both obviously read books because that is a requirement for people who wear glasses anytime ever.

I will never let go of a possible Brad & Jen reprise
So this is the last major awards show where Brad and Jen (isn't it nice how we all know we're talking about them even though they have super common first names) will cross paths, so the SAG Awards did what they had to do.
First, Brad won the supporting actor award (he'll likely win the Oscar too) for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and delivered a pretty funny speech at one point noting how much of a "stretch" it was for him to play a guy who "gets high, takes off his shirt and can't get along with his wife." It reminded me that Brad can still get it. And by "it" I mean my social security number because I'll be needing a new one after we get married omg what "it" did you think I was referring to.

Next on this stroll down the year 2000, Jen won the award for female actor in a drama series.
This was the precise moment I knew the SAG Awards were plotting the Brad-Jen reunion because there is exactly zero universes where Jennifer Aniston beats Olivia Colman and Jodie Comer for a dramatic acting award. And my point was proven through the next series of events.

Here's Brad backstage after winning, stopping to watch Jen's acceptance speech:
And then, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the pecan pie at the end of Thanksgiving — they met backstage and hugged and every single camera in the state of California exploded. I quite enjoyed the longing nature of this shot:
It's like we've had this underlying cystic zit for 15 years and it funny came to a head. And, let's not be ridiculous, do I think this little hug signals more than just two longtime friends celebrating each others' performances? YES I'VE GRABBED EVERY EGG AND PUT IT IN THIS BASKET, CAN'T WAIT FOR THE (SECOND) WEDDING IN MALIBU THAT'S DEF WHAT THIS HUG MEANS.

When someone calls your best friend their best friend
That'll teach Nicole to send Margot a friendship bracelet.

We'll never know if Helena Bonham-Carter said that during her speech accepting The Crown's drama ensemble award or if I just screamed it so loud no one could hear what she actually said. WE'LL JUST NEVER KNOW. Her portrayal of Princess Margaret (who never found happiness, I cry) in the latest season is so heartbreakingly good. The entire cast is pretty stellar, including the actor they got to play a young Prince Charles who is infinitely hotter than the real Charles was.

As a side note, it cracks me up that the Game of Thrones cast knew they wouldn't win this so most of them didn't show up.

Umm excuse me, where is Busy Philipps
Michelle Williams continued her winning streak for best actress in a limited series or TV movie and sure the win was great, but more importantly, WHERE WAS BUSY PHILIPPS?

In a post-win interview, Michelle said she didn't think she'd make it to the show this year, so Busy made other plans to be at a comedy festival in SF. But then, she obviously made it, and noted this is her first awards show without Busy in 15 years. 15 YEARS!! Luckily, Busy caught an earlier flight back and was planning to meet Michelle for post-show pizza celebrations. You didn't ask for those details, but that is the level of deep dive reporting I provide here (also she was saying "I love you and I'm coming home" to her daughter Matilda, not to Busy, though it really does apply to both).

That time of the year when we remember who Leslie Bibb is
She's married to Sam Rockwell, so we see a lot of her during the season because he somehow keeps getting nominated for things despite looking like this most of the time both onscreen and off:
He won male actor in a limited series or TV movie which was shocking, but what's truly baffling is how he has no lips whatsoever. None. A medical marvel.

Speaking of men who I'm surprised win awards....

Jamie Foxx's daughter, Corinne, speaking for all of us
Joaquin Phoenix and his smug ass took home the award (emphasis on took) for lead actor and while it was sort of nice how he used his speech to talk about his admiration for the other nominees, I still just do not get it.

Let's wrap this up with the cast and film that deserves all of the trophies this season....

When the cast of Parasite came onstage to intro their film as a nominee for best film ensemble (the top prize), the ENTIRE room stood up. It was the second biggest standing ovation of the night only to be outdone by the standing ovation given for them actually winning it. The first foreign film to win it! Their reaction was so genuinely sweet:
While they accepted the award, Bong Joon Ho watched and took videos like the proudest dad:
He has been one of the best parts of awards season this year, if not just for calling the Oscars a "local" film festival (lolololol). And while this win gives me more hope about their chances for
Best Picture at the Oscars, 1917 will still probably win because the Oscars love to end a show by disappointing me. But also, if Parasite does win, South Korea is OBLIGATED to let me join any K-Pop group of my choosing. I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

And that's it! The SAG Awards ended PROMPTLY at 10:15 as scheduled which delights me more than it should.

On a completely different note (and quality level), see you all tomorrow for week 3 of The Bachelor! Til then, find me buying all the "Leaves" candles from Bath & Body Works (sometimes I must appease my inner-white woman) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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