Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

This week's post is presented in honor of our Asian fav Jasmine, who obviously went home this week:

I say obviously because our girl did not even try to talk to Peter nor was she upset about not being invited on any of the dates. She just wanted some pool time, a few drinks and a public place to showcase her brows and hair. We stan a shiny haired legend!

This horse is dead, can we please stop

(Always need to point out that these are the screenshots I just happen to take)

So a week ago, we were tortured with an entire episode focused on the stealing of a dumbass bottle of champagne from the champagne capital of the world — Des Moines, Iowa. We're super blessed to continue the world's stupidest argument as, per their puffy faces, Kelsey and Hannah Ann have either been crying for an entire week OR they both chowed down on a ton of Chinese food last night (that salt gets ya every time). Like a clogged toilet, they keep bringing up the same shit until eventually Kelsey yells "THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE CHAMPAGNE" because we all know what this is really about.....camera time. And now we can all move on with our lives.

I think we like Victoria P.
Vicky P. gets the one-on-one date this week, which begins with Peter bringing her to some cowboy store (official name) where he picks out the ugliest pair of velvety green boots for her:

Even though you can't see the full boot here, you can tell they're fugly. It's actually impressive that in a store full of normal looking boots, he found the corniest looking pair. Post-boots shopping, he shares that he likes to line dance and attempts to teach her and by "teach her" I mean he mostly paws at her hips:

Can't you just imagine what this store smells like? Also super happy to see she didn't pick the Cabbage Patch doll boots.

After being properly outfitted, they go line dancing at one of those bars you'd never want to see with the lights on that is made entirely of sticky floors.

Later they have dinner on what appears to be a leftover set from that Ben Affleck-Josh Hartnett movie "Pearl Harbor" (FYI Josh Hartnett is still hot). Really loving how the producers gave up on this one and didn't even include food, just 10 napkins, 3 candles and ONE champagne flute.

Victoria opens up about her rough childhood — her dad died when she was young and her mom struggled and became a drug addict so she and her sister mostly grew up in homeless shelters. Peter thanks her for sharing and says she inspires him and honestly, she is pretty inspiring. She seems so genuine and kind, so it completely blows my mind that she's on this dumpster fire of a show. She obviously gets a rose and I'm thinking she'll def be in the top 5.

"There's something off about that girl"

This week's producer-fabricated drama is centered around Alayah, seen here with a gallon pour of wine. While her name is pronounced "uh-LAY-uh" it should actually be "uh-LIE-uh" for reasons to come. We get a hint that she will be the tea bag that brews the drama when the ladies are all chatting around this giant ass fruit basket:

She says she's ready to run this party because she has a wild side (I'm sure her version of wild means getting soda instead of just water in those free plastic cups). She thinks it's funny that because she's a pageant queen, everyone assumes she's perfect and proper, when in reality she just knows how to "turn it on." This really irks Sydney who doesn't like fake people, but mostly, needs that camera time, ya heard.

The next morning, the women are awakened by Demi:

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She lets them know that because she's one of Peter's "good friends" (sure Jan) she planned the day's group date and has outfits for all of them to wear. We learn all of these "outfits" are varying levels of lingerie except for one — Savannah is fortunate enough to get a Little House on the Prairie-looking gown:

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Also want to note that during this lingerie unveiling, Kiarra pronounces it "lin-gear-ee," which is also how I pronounce it meaning we are both stupid.

With the ladies in their thin, whispy outfits, we are reminded that this show is produced by a bunch of pubescent boys from the 80s, as the group date is a giant pillow fighting competition:

As if the mere existence of the Bachelor world isn't already setting us back, this really put us in the red, ladies. Also for factual purposes I want to point out that women almost never wear lingerie around each other. We have sleepovers so we can look like hippos, be slob kabobs and eat various forms of cheese. The only lace things happening are Lays potato chips.

Anyway, after hearing Susan B. Anthony scream from the grave, we get down to the last round of this "competition" between...DUN DUN DUN....Alayah and Sydney (I AM SHOCKED WOW DID NOT SEE THIS COMING).

Alayah ends up winning by essentially sitting on Sydney (lololol) to which Sydney later says "What was I supposed to do, it was like an elephant sitting on a rat." Umm, well done....insulting yourself? Why would you call yourself a rat? There are so many small animals you could be?

Later during the evening portion of the group date, Alayah steals Peter away first and is it just me or does she look like Lauren Jauregui from Fifth Harmony?

Alayah is obvi way tanner, but you get the picture. She tells Peter she wants to be more vulnerable and open with him because she's more than just a pageant queen while repeatedly saying she is a pageant queen. This would be like if I told you to think of me as more than a giant M&M even though I'm constantly in an M&M costume, eating M&Ms, reenacting the commercials and made up of chocolate encased in a candy shell. Doesn't match up.

While Alayah and Peter are chatting, Sydney shares that she thinks Alayah is fake and putting on a facade for the cameras and isn't genuinely here for the right reasons (FYI: THERE ARE NO RIGHT REASONS TO BE ON THIS GOD-FORSAKEN SHOW).

And now with all of these stupid pieces in place, it's time for...

The main event of the night

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Alayah returns to the group bragging about the great conversation she and Peter had until Sydney breaks into her monologue by asking "Do you like work at all?" And y'all, when I tell you I scream laughed (as a note Alayah says she has 3 jobs). Sydney then tells her straight up that she seems so rehearsed and for the cameras.

Sydney then carries this feeling with her during her time with Peter, telling him how fake she thinks "some people" are when the cameras are around. And this is of course one of Peter's biggest concerns (since he experienced Luke P during Hannah's season), so he thanks her for sharing her worries.

He deals with this troubling news the best way a mature person should — by putting Sydney on blast in front of the group to snitch on who she thinks is here for the wrong reasons:

Like damn Peter, can't even play it cool. Sydney has no problem saying she thinks Alayah is fake, which angers Alayah who asks the group "DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE THINK I'M FAKE?" And no one says anything because who wants to voluntarily take part in this clownery.

The night ends with Peter giving Sydney the group date rose "for her honesty."

A star shines its brightest before it burns out

A moment to recognize Sarah because getting destroyed in a pillow fight is the one and only way we'll remember her since this was the only screentime she got before being sent home. I was sure she would be our dark horse this season and surprise us with being a top fiver, but this week refuted that entire hypothesis. Shine bright, diamond.

Oh good, back to this one dramatic event that must dictate an entire episode
Instead of having a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Peter decides to have a little pool party with the women and nothing screams "pool party!" like shorts styled after a rocket popsicle:

We quickly learn this is not a fun party, but really just a reason for Peter to interrogate all of the women to help him decide if Alayah is actually fake. And now that the women don't publicly have to be narcs, all of them tell him they agree with Sydney's assessment of Alayah's fakeness.

Instead of concluding that she must be fake based on every woman in the house telling him she is, he decides to run this by Alayah to be like "They said you're fake, what do you think?" to which Alayah is like:

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And Peter throws out all of this detective work from the day and is like "Cool, I believe you" and DEAR GOD WE ARE LIVING IN AN INFINITE LOOP.

So Alayah is feeling reassured about where she is with Peter but there's still like 30 minutes left in the episode so we need to drag it out more. Peter proceeds to chat with Victoria P., who he newly trusts the most. Victoria drops a bombshell, telling him she actually knew Alayah before the show (because they were both pageant queens), but Alayah told her to pretend to not know her to avoid jeopardizing their chances on the show.

In the world's worst game of telephone, Peter then runs to Alayah to present this new evidence to which Alayah is like "oh shit":

She tries to talk her way out of it, but it's like watching a one-winged bird, flapping all over the place with no direction. So don't worry! This isn't over yet! More to come, hooray!

Here's the thing about Madison

Her and Peter are actually really freaking cute. They're like some unreal gorgeous couple from one of those CW shows. And I actually like her (now that I can differentiate her from Hannah Ann). She hasn't had as much camera time as I thought she would, but I'm pretty sure that's because the producers are attempting to avoid being so upfront about the fact that Peter is already in love with her.

Here's the thing about Lexi

What in the actual hell is this shirt. Like do you think she cut it out herself or do you think it came like that from Urban Outfitters for $80?

WILL ALAYAH GET A ROSE?
It has now been 450 days since the last Rose Ceremony, so it seems like the right time to have one. These roses really don't matter until we're down to a single digit, so let's cut to the chase. We get down to two roses with Mykenna, Alayah, Jasmine, Sarah and Alexa remaining. Peter leaves the ceremony for a sec and returns with Chris Harrison who, GASP REMOVES A ROSE:

Mykenna is so shocked, looking like Peter just pulled a raccoon out of his ass or something:

Much to the relief of Mykenna's brain, he ends up giving the rose to her. So Asian Jasmine, Pillow Punched Sarah and Cool Girl Alexa are sent home along with Alayah. It's pretty clear he wavered on giving Alayah a rose, before deciding not to (but also why not just give that rose to Sarah, who suffered a concussion for his love?).

After sending Alayah home, the night ends with Peter still confused about his decision, while trying to see if he's singing a G-flat in-tune.

And that's it! Except not really because previews show Alayah returning next week. Yay.

See you next week for the Grammys and week 4 of this mind numbing show! Til then, find me in the frozen aisle getting rocket popsicles and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).