Friday, January 31, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's (delayed) post is brought to you by the plastic blue cup Chase Rice is holding following this week's mandatory country music performance:
Chase is a country music singer who went to UNC and everyone who went to UNC feels a connection to this giant plastic cup from a Chapel Hill bar called "He's Not Here." Literally every graduate has AT LEAST one of these cups, it is fact. Check the cabinets. Also more on Chase in a bit.

We made it to Week 4! And we're leaving the mansion for the first time, presumably because with that many women living together, the floors must be covered in hair and in need of a deep vacuum. Where's the gang going, might you ask? Well, to the arts, music and culture capital of the world — Cleveland, Ohio! I'll let Kelley and Tammy's reactions speak for the group and for all of us:
One of the Bachelor executives must be from the midwest or their mother must be a stalk of corn or something because this show brings us to these random cities every season.

These producers are messy bitches
Victoria F. gets the first one-on-one date and I just now realized she sort of looks like Ariana Grande?
It's been 14 minutes since we've been reminded Peter is a pilot, so the first part of the date is obviously on a plane. Victoria is nervous so Peter makes out with her which is a little counterproductive because if you're nervous about flying don't you want your pilot to be paying attention to the plane and not like, your mouth. What do I know.
With that mandatory reminder about Peter working for Delta out of the way, the actual date takes place at an amusement park called Cedar Point. They ride a bunch of rollercoasters before Peter "surprises" Victoria with a Chase Rice concert:
This is the face of a woman realizing she's walking into a producer-set trap. We soon learn Victoria dated Chase before coming on the show. She sort of wavers between being visibly uncomfortable to making out with her new potential boyfriend in front of her "ex" boyfriend:
I say "ex" because Chase has since mentioned in interviews that they didn't really date. Rather, they "spent one night together" in Charlotte. And he's also said the show didn't let him know he would be singing for Victoria's date.

So to recap: The producers are messier than the port-a-pottys at a music festival. Just shitty all around. Also, this whole "Chase being Victoria's ex" thing soon becomes a bigger deal than it should be. In reality, even if they did date (past the one night) this STILL isn't a big deal because it's not like she was still dating him when she came on the show. They're treating it like Chase is some foreign prince and Victoria was betrothed to marry him before pulling a runaway bride. In reality, they had a thing and then GASP they didn't and that was it.

Later they have dinner at City Hall, I guess because the DMV was booked. After mulling it over all day, Victoria finally bravely admits that she used to date a famous singer.
Peter can't believe she used to date a man who is more successful than he, a Delta commuter pilot, is. This is proven by the way he repeatedly says "Wait, Chase. Chase Rice. The guy at the concert. Chase. Chase Rice?" I guess when you're the center of this alternate universe like Peter is, you really do start to believe that you're the spiciest chicken sandwich in the game.

Admitting she used to date Chase takes an emotional toll on Victoria, mostly (I hope) because she's realizing she gave up potentially going to the Grammys for free domestic flights. In the end, Peter thanks her for sharing that she has dated men before him and gives her a rose.

The big ass group date
The 13 women who did not win the second one-on-one date get to join Peter for a group date at a place where winning also doesn't happen — the Cleveland Browns stadium.

They're put through a series of football drills and by "drills" I mean we learn who can and cannot catch a ball. Mykenna admits she is "the least athletic person here," a declaration that seems unnecessary since the footage speaks for itself:
I'm dying at how wide her arms are to catch a normal sized football. It looks like she's bracing for a cartoonishly large ball to be hurled her way. While this sheer athleticism is happening, Victoria P. has opted out due to a "back injury." Instead, she sits on the sidelines and has Peter give her what appears to be the worst massage ever:
Eventually, the other 12 women are split into two teams for a scrimmage because what could go wrong with a group of women who all have obstructed vision from fake lashes going at each other while wearing hard plastic helmets and pads. They're told the winning team gets to join Peter for the evening portion of the date while the other team has to go back to the Cleveland Airbnb, so the stakes are INCREDIBLY high.
We learn that Shiann and Deandra are the only athletic ones on the field as Shiann scores every touchdown for her team and Deandra scores the final touchdown, ending the game in a tie. Meaning all 13 women get to go to the evening cocktail party. I cannot emphasize enough how truly stupid this date has been.

Honestly, who flies to Cleveland to win a guy back
While everyone is grabbing a number to chat with Peter, guess who shows up again even though her ass was sent home last week:
Alayah interrupts Shiann's time with Peter because she needs to set the record straight. She tells him that Victoria P. lied when she said they didn't really know each other because they've been to Vegas together (which is the penultimate sign of friendship). This troubles Peter since he trusts Victoria the most, so he runs off to ask Victoria about it and thus begins another fun game of telephone:
This is the face of a woman realizing she's been caught lying. Peter asks her again if she was friends with Alayah before the show and Victoria starts looking like a baby deer participating in a hurdles race, tripping all over her words. First she says she didn't really consider them "friends" until they got to the house, then she starts saying things like "I have so much more to show you," totally ignoring Peter asking about her lying. He's straight up asking "Why did you lie about being friends?" and Victoria might as well be replying with "I usually get cheese on my sandwiches at Subway" because they're having two completely different conversations.

To clear this up, Peter brings Victoria P. over to Alayah to chat. Victoria, who just spent the last however many minutes telling Peter she doesn't really know Alayah, hugs Alayah tighter and longer than I've ever hugged any of my best friends. She then holds her hand and brushes hair out of her face while they chat because that is what you do when you don't know someone:
In a bizarre turn of events, after Alayah mentions they've been friends for a while and went to Vegas together and have so many friends in common, Victoria P. is like "Yes, this is true we are friends" BUT WITHOUT RECOGNIZING SHE INITIALLY LIED. ACTING LIKE SHE ISN'T THE PRIMARY REASON PETER SENT ALAYAH HOME? I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Alayah asks why she would lie about their friendship and instead of just squashing this by acknowledging she lied and apologizing, Victoria says "I don't know what else to say." SAY YOU LIED, VICKY. I hate this show.

After wasting an entire evening on this and ignoring the other women on the group date, Peter gives the group date rose to Alayah because he feels he shouldn't have sent her home to begin with.
And so it begins — Peter's downward spiral into stupidity. It happens to every Bachelor/Bachelorette. For some it's early (Arie from minute 1 of episode 1) and for some it's late (Hannah in the finale, lolololol). At least he made it to episode 4 before fully exposing he's just another dumb mashed potato.

Champagne face is still here
Kelsey, who dragged out drama about a bottle of champagne from a CVS in Des Moines, gets the second one-on-one date because Peter loves how "undramatic" she is (reminder: he's dumb). They proceed to have one of the most boring dates beginning with "happening" to stumble across polka dancing in some random square. As is the natural progression from polka dancing, they then crash some sort of children's soapbox derby and force these children to give them the trophy:
Later, dinner is on a boat overlooking the gloriously unmatched Cleveland skyline:
You can't see Kelsey because Peter always insists on standing behind the women like he's some creep at a club dancing toward you crotch first. He insists they "soak in" the city views because nothing screams romance like staring at what appears to be an office building and a parking lot. Hot.

At dinner, Kelsey shares she has trouble letting people in because her parents got divorced when she was in 7th grade and she didn't see her dad for 12 years. Peter thanks her for sharing and says he appreciates single mothers and how amazing they are based on everything his grandmother and mother went to when they immigrated from Cuba.

He then rewards her sharing with some making out and we learn she kisses like she's telling a secret:
She says he makes her feel "like no man has ever made me feel." And I'm assuming she says "no man," because surely a delicious ass burrito has brought her great joy before. Peter gives her a rose and I'm pretty shocked she's still here.

To summarize: All Victorias here hate Alayah
Because this is a buy-one-get-one deal, Alayah can't just settle for drama with Victoria P. — she has to create some with Victoria F. too! It's only fair! Victoria F. learns that for the brief period of time Alayah was back in civilization with cell phones and Google, she found out about Chase Rice being Victoria's ex and when she came back in the house, started spreading that news to everyone. In addition to being cut-off from normal social interactions and intelligent men, these women are also kept from their phones and the internet, so none of them were aware about Chase before Alayah came peddling in on her gossip wheels. Victoria puts Confrontation City into her GPS and heads Alayah's way:
As a note, if a woman comes at you in Soffe shorts, Rainbow flip flops, a scrunchie AND a glass of wine, she's about to light your ass up. Because not only is she angry, but you've made her haul her ass out of the house in her pajamas with her pajamas wine.

Alayah's defense is she thought everyone already knew and blah blah Victoria calls her fake and leaves. But since this show is what it is, I'm sure this will come up approximately 395 more times spanning several episodes before climaxing with some sort of 2-on-1 date.

"I'm messing up right now so bad"
When Peter shows up for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, the women from the first group date are pissed since their date was more pointless than a pack of unsharpened pencils. I'll let Natasha speak for everyone, because this is honestly everyone's face (except for Alayah):
Deandra and Natasha call him out for essentially ignoring most of the women on the group date before just handing the rose to Alayah, who wasn't even supposed to be on the show anymore. Peter, who was under the impression that since he's the Bachelor he can just be an idiot asshole, "apologizes" and by that I mean he says he's not perfect and sorry and wants them to accept his apology. Honestly, at this point at least 5 of the women should've left because this flight aint worth the price and also do you really think this face that is exposed to so much recycled air is gonna age well?
All of the women then take turns venting their frustrations (which they're entitled to do) because this is the second week wasted on mindless Alayah drama. Thinking that he can find clarity from Alayah, he asks her why all of the women have a problem with her and she first says she "doesn't know" before admitting that before it was her "big personality," but now she doesn't know (sure Jan). The episode ends before the Rose Ceremony with Peter unsure of what to do.

In other news, we're learning that you don't have to be smart on an overall level to be a pilot.

And that's it! See you all next week for more of The Alayah Show. Til then, find me drawing inspiration from Victoria to work up the courage to admit I used to date Michael B. Jordan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

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