Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Mykenna, wearing the world's largest hair barrette:
The fact that this show is already pulling out two episodes in one week with one of them being THREE HOURS is ridiculous. We are not mentally prepared for these marathon episodes until we can count all of the women on one hand.

So let's dive into this 3-hour episode that was 2 hours and 45 minutes too long.

She'll def be on Bachelor in Paradise
Similar to how the Hannah situation resolved itself abruptly and stupidly, the same happens with the Alayah ordeal. After giving her the group date rose then flip flopping like a pair of Havaianas, the producers, I mean Peter, decides it's time for Alayah to leave. And she's like "K, cool" and we all realize that Peter really is a dummy.

Speaking of....

Oh, so he's actually dumb
As hard as it is to leave the bustling metropolis of Cleveland, Peter whisks the ladies away to Costa Rica, the excitement of which immediately causes him to injure himself. Through grainy ass footage (wtf it's 2020 why does all security camera footage look like it was taken on a VHS), we see him hit his head on the edge of a golf cart then react by slamming the glass in his hand, into his face. You guys. I've seen some dumb shit in my life (mostly referring to the time I busted a tire on my car by jumping a curb because I was distracted trying to grab a macaroon) but seeing him hit his head then SLAM A GLASS into his face was one of the stupidest. It'd be like if I tripped while holding a bag of fire then reacted by putting the bag of fire on my head.

Anyway, we're lucky enough to see him wear this peanut butter paste looking band-aid the entire episode. Hot.

"You're the best kisser in the house"
Sydney gets the first one-on-one date, proof that if you're patient enough, your date will be in a beautiful international location instead of Cleveland, Ohio. They ride in a helicopter to some random jungley area where some poor production assistant has dragged out a couch and multiple ottomans.
Sydney shares that she was raised by her mom and she's only seen her dad 5 times in her life. When she says her dad is half Dominican, Peter asks if she speaks Spanish and when she says yes, he proceeds to break out his own Spanish "skills," which are not as impressive as he thinks they are. Sydney starts making out with him to make it stop and he admits she's the best kisser in the house. Which, wow, congrats to Peter's future wife (who will likely not be Sydney) for being at best, second best kisser.

Later, they enjoy a dinner of some sort of glistening meat and Mountain Dew:
Sydney opens up about her teen years, telling Peter she was bullied a lot in high school and didn't have any friends and ate her lunch in the bathroom all of senior year. He thanks her for sharing and at this point, it seems a little one-sided that he keeps asking the women "OMG TELL ME YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST FEARS AND SECRETS" and he's just out here being like "Thank you for sharing. I like chicken."

He of course gives her a rose and they end the date by seeing who can blow the most air into the other one's mouth in this pool/lagoon situation:
Meanwhile, back at the house...
Kelsey is freaking out because she hasn't seen Peter in 4 hours and he might've forgotten her. So she's having a little wine and whine by the pool (who doesn't do this once a week) while saying she isn't jealous that Sydney is on the date, not at all. Or well, she actually says "I like Sydney! But she's a dramatic fucking bitch," which is proof that she does not care. Calling someone a DFB (dramatic fucking bitch, please keep up) is almost never insulting and almost always hilarious. Because you are both dramatic and a bitch with a sprinkled qualifier of "fucking." Chef's kiss.

"I have such a fun day planned for you all"
Omg Peter, how did you know it's every woman's dream to pose half naked with a bunch of women she's competing against alongside the one measly chicken nugget she's competing for.
For the consolation date, Peter brings the women to a waterfall where they're met by Cosmopolitan's editor-in-chief and told they'll be photographed for a spread in Cosmo. Additionally, based on no real metrics at all, a "winner" will be chosen to be photographed with Peter for the cover. Two things here: 1) Cosmo is still around?????? and 2) Refer to 1. So all in all, wow what a fun day for these women, congrats on all the fun.

Ultimately, because she makes out with Peter first during the group photos, brunette Victoria (doesn't that make more sense than "Victoria P" or "Victoria F") is declared the winner. Super sorry to Hannah Ann who was second to attempt the ol' make-out-to-win trick:
Wait, quick poll: In this lovely photo, who do you think you are? Because I am those branches in the background trying to....leave.

Right so Victoria gets to have a mini cover shoot with Peter that mostly consists of this:
Ummm, girl this is your ONE shot to have your face on the (digital) cover of a magazine and you waste it by smushing it into a guy who is likely gonna dump you on live TV in a few weeks?

Literally the minute after this segment aired, Cosmo's editor-in-chief posted a note about why the mag decided not to run the cover photos (Victoria F. posed in some White Lives Matter-themed ad campaigns). So, once again, even though this show has been on for 698 years and received backlash before, they still do not know how to....check contestants' social media activity.

Later during the evening portion of the date, everyone ignores A PLATE OF CHEESE FILLED MUSHROOM CAPS?? AND SOME SORT OF PIZZA BAGEL THINGS???
I know I say this a lot, but dear God I hate this show.

And with Alayah being gone, we need some freshly squeezed drama in the house, so....

Hey y'all, here to stir shit up
To catch us all up to the same stupid speed, it's really been bothering Tammy how emotional Kelsey got the other night. She doesn't understand why she was Summertime Sadness'ing by the pool and thinks Peter needs to know. So, during her time with him, she says that while he was on his date with Sydney, Kelsey had a "mental breakdown" and was "crying her eyes out." Tammy also mentions she's seen Kelsey drinking "a lot" on multiple occasions, which let's get one thing straight: how any of these women endure this shit show without being blackout the entire time is beyond me. So if Kelsey wants to turn up to some Lana Del Rey and have a little drink-n-think time, let her.

Tammy, who really needs her camera time this week because she can sense she'll be sent home soon, is basically trying to convince Peter that Kelsey is an emotional trainwreck out here bathing in wine (omg a wine bath would actually be great tbh). So, to keep this can of drama open, Peter checks in with Kelsey next (he really is a messy bitch):
Kelsey admits she was sad because she just had a one-on-one with him and was deep in her feelings. He reassures her he has strong feelings for her too and dear lord can these women stop being snitches. Seriously. If snitches get stitches, this show is just one giant patchwork quilt.

Oh also want to note that during her time with him, Kelsey tells Peter she's falling in love with him which is hard to believe considering she's known him for 14 minutes and also the state of his face with that silly putty band-aid.

In the end, Peter gives the group date rose to Hannah Ann and we learn that no one ate any of the mushroom caps.
She don't like yo' ass 
Kelley, the lawyer who works for her daddy who also "met" Peter before the show, gets the second one-on-one date (these screenshots just happen okay).
Honestly, I felt sort of meh about Kelley in the beginning, but she has risen to the top as the most rational, realistic one in the bunch. She keeps saying she's "just here to have fun" and it obviously concerns Peter that she GASP doesn't claw over the other women to start a fan club for him. So a lot of the reason he invites her on the date is to suss out why she hasn't hung a poster of him above her bed.

She meets him out in the jungle and greets him in the legally prescribed way:
I say legally prescribed because there's no way she chose, on her own, to jump into his tiny bird arms while he's standing downhill from her in flip flops on some rocky, muddy ground. Though, the last time I jumped onto a man crotch first, he did ask me to marry him, so I guess it works.

For the first part of their date, they meet with a shaman to test how well their energies and spirits align with each other. After taking off those pesky clothes, they both write down what they're looking for in a relationship. Then, while Peter is trying to be deep and share what he wrote down, Kelley could give two shits and becomes distracted by a lizard chasing something:
This was the moment I knew Kelley was cool and therefore needs to leave the show immediately.

They're then shown a "male" and "female" candle symbolizing them and the male candle has melted toward the female one more and omg this metaphor is clearly planned and okay producers we get it, Kelley doesn't care about seeing Peter's cockpit.

As a final test, while Kelley is blindfolded, Peter has to guide her through a maze:
Like sorry but those rocks are pretty small, I would just walk straight on over them.

Later at dinner, they have an honest discussion about their relationship, which I'll summarize:

Peter: Seems like you were obsessed with me before, but now you aren't, sup with that
Kelley: Ummm the concept of this show is bonkers
Peter: So are you obsessed with me again
Kelley: If I get to go to at least one more international location, sure
Peter: So you're saying you would marry me at the end
Kelley: Probs not, but let's see if we get to that point, but probs not

He tells her to give into the process, because it "100% works," which is super inaccurate because technically only 1 out of 31 women "wins" in the end, meaning the success rate is 0% because jk we all lose.

He gives her a rose because he is clearly WAAAAAAY more into her than she is him and I just want to share that at this point, his band-aid appears to be a clump of wet toilet paper:
They end the date by making out in what appears to be the same lagoon he made out with Sydney in earlier. My guess is Kelley will be on the show until Kelley decides to leave.

Here's the thing: Tammy sucks
While Kelley is enduring time with Peter, Kelsey decides to confront Tammy about what she said to Peter during the group date (about her drinking).
Tammy asserts she didn't talk to Peter about Kelsey, rather, she talked about how what Kelsey was doing was impacting her (FYI: IT'S THE SAME). Tammy then basically bullies Kelsey about how much she cries, telling her crying isn't the best way to deal with her emotions. Kelsey eventually asks her "Why does me crying bother you so much?" And Tammy's rude ass lying self says "IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME" before walking off. The thing is: Tammy is someone who thinks she's a boss ass bitch, when in reality, she's just a bitch. Can Kelsey just drink her wine and cry a bit and live her life?

So Tammy, who as a reminder is not bothered by Kelsey's crying, then sets out on a PR tour to tell the other women how bothered she is by Kelsey's crying.
She keeps saying how "nuts" she thinks Kelsey is and how she deals with her emotions in the wrong way.

Meanwhile, while Tammy is playing Checkers, Kelsey is playing Chess and heads out to set the record straight with Peter:
She tells him again that she was emotional that night and got tipsy, but that Tammy has now made it her life's mission to be a monster to her. Peter understands and says that maybe Tammy is threatened by how strong their relationship is (Note: She is). He thanks her for coming to see him and says he doesn't need a Rose Ceremony to know he wants to keep their relationship moving and gives her a rose.
Kelsey heads back to the house and immediately lets the group know that she talked with Peter and he gave her a rose, which pisses all of them off mostly because none of them thought to go see him first.

When you find out there won't be a cocktail party
Mykenna is very upset to learn they won't have time with Peter ahead of the Rose Ceremony, especially because "these rose ceremonies are do or die," which unless there is some weird Bachelor/Game of Thrones crossover, I don't think they are.

After spirit guide Chris Harrison tells the ladies that Peter got "all the clarity" he needed that afternoon, they all proceed to blame Kelsey for said clarity.

Tammy, who hasn't bullied Kelsey in approx 3 minutes, remembers she needs to and this conversation follows:

Tammy: What exactly did you say to Peter about me
Kelsey: That you said I drank a lot and popped pills
Tammy: I never said you popped pills
(All of the other women in unison): YES YOU DID, YOU DID SAY THAT
Tammy: Okay but I didn't start that rumor I heard it somewhere else

Totally ignoring the fact that she just lied, Tammy then tells Kelsey that she doesn't know what pills she takes and Kelsey tells her Adderall and birth control, before Ginger Lexi and Sydney butt in to say it's none of Tammy's business. Everyone in unison then tells Tammy to stop bringing up other women in her conversations with Peter and Tammy cannot believe they want her to stop shit talking people, wow.

Wait, I want to bully too
After Sydney says she doesn't even think to bring up other women when she talks to Peter, Tammy says "But you brought up Alayah" because we are living in Groundhog's Day hell and forced to relive the same drama over and over again.
Sydney says she's sick of Tammy saying this, because she never said Alayah's name until Peter specifically asked, causing Tammy to standup and start yelling and Sydney to call her crazy because that seems to be the only "insult" these women can think of. Sydney then gets stuck on repeat, calling Tammy "crazy" and "nuts" and "a psychopath" and at this point, wow, the women supporting women vibe is so heart warming.

Back to Tammy, who started drama based on her judgment of Kelsey crying and how unhealthy it is to deal with your emotions by crying a lot:

Finally, a Rose Ceremony
You guys, we finally made it to the top of this dumpster to find...another dumpster in the form of this week's Rose Ceremony. Before Peter can give out roses, Tammy needs to be heard:
She tells him that everything she said to him about Kelsey was not said with malicious intent (just to kindly say that she thinks Kelsey is an unstable alcoholic who pops pills who needs to go home, but not malicious at all).

Mykenna then decides she also needs to speak to Peter because it's her "biggest fear" that he won't get to know her (biggest fear, what, has she never been to the circus).
She tells him this has taken a lot out of her and tbh, for a second I thought she was gonna tell him she needs to leave (she doesn't).

Peter returns to the group to hand out roses and the last rose comes down to Ginger Lexi, Mean Girl Tammy and Shy Shiann:
He obviously gives it to Tammy because (like Kelley pointed out during their date), he rewards the people who start drama, meaning Lexi and Shiann are sent home.

And that's it! This week was especially terrible because of how heinous everyone was to each other and also how stupid Peter remains. Plus it was as long and unfulfilling as watching the Oscars (but at least the Oscars give me Adam Driver).

So I'm super excited we get another episode this week — see you tomorrow for that! Til then, find me reminiscing about days when I could breathe out of both nostrils (I have a cold, thank you for thoughts and prayers) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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