Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by the unveiling of Peter's maxi pad bandage to reveal his salami looking scar:
I'm not exaggerating, the way it glistened in every shot made it look like some sort of uncased sausage and I did not enjoy it.

We've made it to the last week before hometowns! Can you even believe our brains haven't exploded from this terrible season with a horrendous Bachelor?!

We're in Lima, Peru!
Based on the wide variation of how the women are dressed, temperatures range from feeling like 80 degrees to 35 degrees. What a magical place Lima must be to feel comfortable wearing a turtle neck or a sleeveless top in.

Because this hasn't come up in a while
The producers needed to remind us that vanilla sex god Peter had sex in a damp and dark windmill last season.

Remember Madison
High school basketball star Madison gets the first one-on-one in Lima and it's her first solo date with Peter since she landed the very first date at the beginning of this nightmare of a journey. For the first part of their date, they head out on a boat (to take them to a bigger fishing boat) and force this man to watch them cuddle in perhaps the most uncomfortable position ever:
Again, what temperature is it that Peter is in flannel and Madison is in a Baby Gap tank top.

After boarding a bigger boat, they get into some "fishing" and by fishing I mean the producers have already attached a dead fish to the end of a line so Peter can heroically pull in something they picked up from a local grocery store:
Peter proceeds to touch this dead ass fish and after it's taken away, HE PUTS HIS NASTY FISH HANDS ON MADISON'S BACK. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.
During their post-fishing heart-to-heart, Madison reiterates that she's here for the right reasons and really likes Peter, because she knows he's an insecure, weakass punk who needs constant affirmation. He thanks her for sharing (his default response) and they make a different boat captain watch them makeout on the front of his own boat.

Later at dinner, Peter says they're "literally having dinner under the stars" and for fact checking purposes, here are the "literal" stars:
I didn't take astronomy in college (because ya girl was a journalism major who took geology with the football team), but even I know that stars are not made up of light bulbs.

They both then exhibit some of the most impressive willpower this season by ignoring a giant mound of mashed potatoes or rice or something else carby:
Madison shares how much she loves her family and is looking for a partner who embodies a lot of the same qualities as her dad. This conversation then follows:

Madison: Jesus is my #1 and religion is very important to me
Peter: Mmmm same, I'm totally there with you except Jesus is like my #18, but like, I think you're hot and that's important to me
Madison: Omg, I'm so glad we're on the same page

Peter then tells Madison he's falling in love with her (she's the first he's said that to) and they makeout outside against a wall because while Peter isn't good at sharing anything about himself, he is good at making out against walls.

After 7+ weeks, Natasha gets her first one-on-one
Don't feel bad for Natasha because honestly the other women should be jealous that she's stuck around this long without having to endure much one-on-one time with the uncooked tin of biscuits that is Peter. They begin their first date ever by eating some local food and Peter makes her Lady & The Tramp something that should not be Lady & The Tramped:
Look how small whatever they're eating is, clearly not enough for sharing. This irrational sharing of tiny food is followed by being the center of attention in a public space, because that hasn't happened yet in this new location:
They then have what is around the 3rd full conversation they've ever had, and Peter thanks her for always being so honest because his only conversation skills include making out and thanking people. She shares that she has three strong older brothers who'll be fun for Peter to meet and also that her parents haven't met a guy she's dated in around 4 years. So seems totally fine to break that 4-year hiatus with a dumbass who slammed a glass into his forehead.

Later at dinner, Natasha tells Peter she feels "really really good" about him and "really safe" with him, which I cannot emphasize enough is obscene because the man cannot walk and hold a glass at the same time but anyway.
I'm gonna be honest, I'm mostly staring at those Beauty & the Beast looking candelabra (Lumiere!).

After agreeing they're on the same page as far as what they both want in a relationship, Peter breaks it to Natasha that they're on the same page in different books, effectively friend-zoning her and sending her home. What's annoying about this is he dramatically holds the rose as if he's gonna give it to her before being like jk.
I cannot stand this man.

Champagne Face, still here
Des Moines Champagne Connoisseur Kelsey is our final one-on-one of the week and she is really excited about it based on the momentum she builds up to launch herself into his lil' body:
There must be some sort of consequence if you opt out of the arm jumping. For the first part of their date, they ride along these trails on ATVs and the aerial shots complemented by the fact that they were traveling max 3 mph reminded me of those Hoveround electric wheelchair commercials?
After hovering around, they run up some hill (wtf? this date is terrible) and thank goodness Kelsey chose high-waisted jeans because can you imagine angled running in low rise jeans? Butt crack central. Post-running, they both proceed to die.
Peter says this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life, which delights Kelsey because it is also her dream to run up grassy mountains then pass out for the rest of her life. Actually, she does share what she envisions for her life — she wants "to be able" to work a couple days a week but also "be at home to raise the kids" because kids are important but so is having "something else." In other words, she wants to teach SoulCycle a couple times a week, but be at home most of the week to supervise the nanny raising her kids. Peter thanks her for sharing her Real Housewives fantasy with some making out, because again, this man does not know how to have a conversation otherwise.
Later they have dinner inside what appears to be a Yankee Candle store and Kelsey shares more about her family (as a reminder, her parents got divorced when she was in middle school and her dad wasn't really around).
She says that after she won Miss Iowa, her dad reached out to her to try to form a connection again, excusing his absence in her life because "God told him to." My question here is — did we know Kelsey was Miss Iowa? Has that come up before? Does this show just recruit from pageant events? She adds that about a year ago, she heard from her dad again and decided to try having a relationship with him. They've been in contact since, but her mom and sisters don't know because she wants to make her own decision about him before telling them.

After Kelsey admits this process is scary, Peter comforts her by saying "Don't be scared" (very reassuring). He says "Our relationship is our own," which um yes that makes sense for Kelsey and Peter's relationship to be Kelsey and Peter's, he is such a Shakespeare.

He obviously gives her a rose, making her our second woman through to hometowns.

The world's longest 3-on-1 date
According to Mathematician Hannah, since there are 4 roses and 2 have been given out, there are 2 left (she was recently named Mensa's president). Hannah Ann, Kelley and Victoria are notified via date card that they'll be fighting to the death for these 2 roses, which made me realize that Peter's handwriting looks a lot like Hannah's:
What a coincidence for them to have the same handwriting! (I'm kidding, I know they don't write these because there is no way Peter knows how to spell the word "tomorrow"). Anyway, the minivan picks these 3 up for the group date and they're looking like siblings who argued so much about who got to sit in the front that their mom made them all sit in the back:
In some voiceover shit talking, we learn that works-for-her-daddy lawyer Kelley is VERY confident about her chances of getting a rose since "Hannah is what, 23 years old" (I guess being young is an insult?) and Victoria is "a hot mess." I guess law school didn't teach Kelley that assholes like Peter THRIVE on hot messes, especially if those hot messes are young enough to still have to pay a fee to rent a car.

The last group date takes place at a 250-year old hacienda and coincidentally enough, lasts about 250 years. None of them actually gets to walk around or enjoy the hacienda as they spend most of the time sitting on metal benches waiting for their one-on-one time with Peter.

Hannah Ann is up first and she immediately starts crying since that's what Peter has led her to believe he wants when he asks her to "open up." She shares a list with him called "Things I love about you!" that she has written on Elle Woods pink, scented paper.
It includes "You make time for me," which is stupid since he is contractually obligated to per the premise of this show.

Next in line is Kelley.
She tells Peter she she's sort of bothered that she hasn't gotten another one-on-one because I mean, she's a lawyer. And she's ready to bring Peter home to her family because "a lot of things add up," noting that not every relationship needs to be dramatic and can be easy and fun. And Peter's like "But I'm a messy bitch." He also hates that she says their relationship is fun because fun in general angers him.

Last in the world's worst waiting room is Victoria.
This girl has probably made actual eye contact with Peter 1.5 times this entire season. How she's looking to the side in this moment above — that's what she does during their entire conversation, which I can't blame her for because he has a really punchable face. I enjoyed this conversation the most because Victoria implies Peter always nags her, telling him he's "always in a mood." He then says "I am NOT always in a mood" over and over and we all realized they have what is essentially an emotionally taxing, toxic high school relationship.

Their conversation ends on such a weird note and Victoria returns to the outdoor waiting room. While they wait for Peter and are all talking about their individual discussions, Victoria tells Kelley that hers and Peter's relationship is "so easy and fluent." Fluent. Fluent. We'll never know what grammar is anyway. Luckily, Peter shows up before Victoria can utilize more random adjectives.
He grabs one of the roses and asks to speak with Victoria and literally walks her to the Uber, leading everyone to believe she's going home.
He tells her he appreciates her and just as we think he's about to break it off, gives her a rose because he is the messiest hoe of all hoes. Peter returns to Hannah Ann and Kelley sans Victoria and rose, leading them both to deduce that Victoria got a rose (can't get nothing past this group).

As a reminder, this date started around 6 a.m. and it is now 10 p.m. in the year 2022.
He dramatically holds the last rose while telling Hannah Ann and Kelley both what he likes about them before DUN DUN DUN, giving the rose to Hannah Ann. Omg did you even see this coming based on the foreshadowing of the producers including a billion clips of Kelley stating how certain she was she'd get a rose.

As Peter gets up to walk Kelley to her car, Hannah Ann bursts into tears, partially out of happiness but mostly because I think she has been out here for days with no food or water waiting for a dumbass rose.
Peter tells Kelley he was so excited about their relationship in the beginning, but Kelley is not nearly dramatic enough for him. And she's like "K, cool" because I think she's super excited to take a nap in the Uber on the ride to the airport.
And that's it! Madison, Kelsey, Victoria and Hannah Ann are through to hometowns meaning we'll get to go to exciting places ranging from Alabama to Iowa to Virginia to...Alabama. Wow, exhilarating.

See you all next week! Til then, find me eating salami (a gross reaction to seeing Peter's scar but this is who I am) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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