Thursday, February 6, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Peter's new band-aid that now looks like a tiny maxi pad:
With wings and everything.

We're in Chile! Which makes sense because the natural progression of travel is Cleveland to Costa Rica to Chile. Very standard.

"I've never fully been in love"
Hannah Ann, who is the less cool version of Madison, gets the first one-on-one date. They first head to a town square area where some musicians are performing because these international dates must begin with two Americans loudly dancing and making out to be the center of attention:
As you can tell, everyone is super excited. Next, they head to a park bench to eat hot dogs because Peter says he really wants to embrace the Chilean culture and I mean, when I think of Chile, I think of hot dogs.
By "eat hot dogs" I meant "smash hot dogs in each other's faces" because there is nothing more romantic than someone smashing a greasy ass hot dog in your mouth. Also super weirded out that it seems they topped their hot dogs with whipped cream. Thanks, I hate it.

Now that they've danced in public and smashed whipped cream hot dog all over their faces, it's time for some serious conversation.

They head to a scenic spot overlooking Santiago and dive into the deep stuff while sitting/leaning in maybe the most peculiar and uncomfortable position possible:
How asleep do you think both Hannah's leg and Peter's crotch were after this. Since Peter is concerned with Hannah only being 23 (despite the fact that 2/3 of the women are under 25), he prods her about her age and asks if she's been in love. Hannah admits she's "felt love" but never fully been "in love." Um, okay girl, I've "felt love" watching a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie, but I wouldn't exactly place that on the spectrum of actual "love" (jk I would and I do).

Later they ignore a delicious dinner comprised of a tan rectangle and a dark brown glossy rectangle while in a room full of chairs:
Peter asks what Hannah wants her goals in life are and she says she wants to model for as long as she can before randomly reciting "So many stay in the shallow waters of life but you only get minnows there and I want to go deep." So, it's clear she memorized this from some sort of inspirational Instagram post and also, nothing says "deep" like a career based on your looks (note: I'm not hating here, if people wanted to pay me to not blink in photos I'd be all in for life).

When he asks about her past relationships, she says she was with a guy for 3 1/2 years but they weren't in love. Which, I'm sorry, WHAT? Yo' ass dated a guy longer than Veronica Mars aired on TV and you weren't in love? One time the guy making my Chipotle bowl winked at me and I was in love, so what's the deal Hannah. This conversation then happens:

Peter: How do you know you're ready to get married if you've never been in love?
Hannah Ann: Because this time is on TV and can you even imagine the IG sponsorships

Still feeling uncertain about Hannah's maturity, Peter steps outside to gain some clarity by sleeping while standing up:
Even though he asked for a quick minute alone, Hannah obviously joins him approx 12 seconds after he leaves and this conversation happens:

Peter: I just don't know if we have a deep enough connection because your answers seem so scripted
Hannah: *CRIES*
Peter: Omg, thank you that means so much wow I feel so much more connected to you now

Following this, Hannah tells Peter she's falling in love with him and he gives her a rose.
Want to note that she still hasn't really shared anything about herself beyond the information we can read in her Bachelor bio, but yes, what a strong relationship here.

A date centered around drama ends in drama, I am shocked
For the group date, the ladies learn they'll be filming their own telenovela. This offers a nice break from seeing the women fight over Peter to seeing them fight over Peter while in costumes.
Tammy is cast as some mean girl character, which she thinks is funny since "Everyone knows how nice I am," to which we all said HAHAHA Satan, you funny. Meanwhile, Mykenna is sad to be cast as the maid who is just in the background of all the shots, until it's revealed she ends up with Peter's character in the end:
So, as a reminder, this is acting. Peter, following a script, makes out with Mykenna, who is playing a character. But this is all Mykenna needs to convince her that this whole process actually does make sense.

Later during the evening portion of the date, we see the dramatic return of....
THE COOT BOARD!!! It's been weeks since I've seen a good cheese and meat platter. Everyone obviously ignores it, which remains the most offensive thing about this show.

Victoria is up first to chat with Peter. Or well, the chatting happens between her kissing Peter's hand every 3 seconds:
Peter tells her that while their first date was amazing, the whole Alayah ordeal put a damper on their relationship and they've sort of...plateaued. He tells her he doesn't want to hurt her and then keeps that promise by telling her he can't see her as his wife. Aw, sweet and very non-hurtful. Victoria is obviously stunned, but what helps is him saying "Sorry about that" as if he just knocked a vodka soda out of her hand. He asks to walk her out and tries to hold her hand, but she's having none of it because who wants the dude who just dumped you on TV to walk you to your Uber.

Peter returns to the group and lets them know he just sent Victoria home. Mykenna cannot believe it, reacting as if Peter just said almond milk is not made by milking almonds.
He chats with Madison next, who as a reminder we haven't really seen since the first episode when she went with Peter to his parents vow renewal. She's avoided the drama and is a normal human being which is exactly what the producers do not like. But you can tell Peter wants to be the Dawson to her Joey:
Tbh, I hope she picks Pacey. Really though, Madison is probably the best one of the group so I sort of want him not to pick her so she can be The Bachelorette.

While Peter and Madison are reenacting scenes from The Notebook, Mykenna is gushing to the ladies about how much she enjoyed the day. This absolutely infuriates Tammy who hates happiness and joy:
Realizing she has not been a rude ass bitch to anyone yet, she declares Mykenna the winner of her wrath today. She tells her she's living in a "fantasy world" and repeatedly calls her immature, saying she isn't ready for marriage. And since Tammy is the the Chief of Emotional Police, she brings up how emotional Mykenna got when she didn't get the one-on-one and how she kept saying she should go home. Mind you, this is all unprompted. Like Mykenna is simply saying she enjoyed the day and Tammy swoops in with her fun killer sword to kill the mood.

When Mykenna chats with Peter, she lets him know she's the latest victim of a Tammy Tantrum and he reassures her that he trusts her intentions and believes that she's here for the right reasons.
While Tammy is plotting where she can destroy joy next, Peter gives the group date rose to Madison.

The first to get a second solo date
Victoria F. gets the second one-on-one in Chile, which angers the group since she just had a date with Peter in Cleveland. Not that he needs to justify his stupid decisions since we know he's stupid, but he says they need a second go at it since their first date also included her ex.

For the first part of their date, they ride horses while stretching uncomfortably to hold hands because horse hand holding must happen at least once every Bachelor season.
They then sit on the back of an old wagon to talk because these producers base romantic dates off of cliched things they've seen in movies.
Who is trying to get splinters in their ass while under a scratchy blanket just to talk to a guy who smashed a glass into his face? During their back-of-the-truck Varsity Blues time, Victoria admits this whole process has been hard and she goes back and forth about if she can really do it.

Later at dinner, Peter says it really threw him off to learn she's having doubts about them because I mean, why would she have doubts about a guy who's dating 10 other women at the same time their relationship is so clear and simple. He keeps asking her to open up and blah blah blah, this is Victoria's face while he nags:
She finally says she doesn't know why it's hard for her to open up, but maybe she isn't cut out for this show and maybe he'd be happier with someone who can be super open after only knowing him for a few weeks. With emotions bubbling and the fact that she just chugged a glass of pinot, she says she's feeling sick and needs a minute.

Eventually she returns and tells him again she doesn't know why she's like this, but that this is the most she's "tried" with anyone. And for Peter, knowing she's putting in about as much effort as she would put into opening a ziplock bag is reassuring.
He says he has the strongest feelings for her (meaning he thinks she's the hottest) and gives her a rose.

This isn't really a 2-on-1 date
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Peter surprises the group by sending a 2-on-1 date card for Mykenna and Tammy because "enough is enough." While they're waiting for Peter, Tammy tells Mykenna she is "so sick" of the drama consuming her time with Peter which is a wild declaration considering SHE IS THE ONE STIRRING UP SAID DRAMA???? It'd be like if I brought old ass eggs to Thanksgiving every year then complained about old ass eggs being at Thanksgiving every year.

As a logistical note, this isn't technically a 2-on-1 date, more of a pre-Rose Ceremony meeting because this "date" has no coot board, no mushroom caps and no hot tub.
Peter pulls Rude Ass Tammy away to chat first to get her side of the Mykenna situation. Tammy tells him about how Mykenna considered leaving and how she's only here to "build her brand" while Tammy is here for the right reasons — to be as mean as possible on TV.

As is Peter's tradition, he then tells Mykenna everything Tammy said and asks for her to clarify (this would all be easier if they talked as a group?). Mykenna says she cares about him and feels she just needs a legit chance to show him how much she cares.

After they've both spoken with Peter, Tammy feels pretty confident.
We also get a moment of Tammy saying "I'm wearing black tonight because it's her funeral" like she just read some WikiHow on "How to be a Disney Villain." While Peter is thinking over who to send home, Tammy and Mykenna exchange some final barbs that concludes with Mykenna saying Tammy is nothing and Tammy saying:
I just want to note that at our weekly Asians of the World meeting yesterday, we unanimously agreed to vote Tammy out. Of being Asian. Thank you all for spreading this breaking news.

In the end, Peter returns to let Mykenna know he trusts her, sending Cruella de'Tammy home.
Don't be sad for her, word on the street is she managed to kick a puppy on the way home and knocked a bowl of ice cream into a child's face. So she's perfectly happy.

A chilly Rose Ceremony
Peter, literally 5 minutes ago, opted to keep Mykenna on the show so that must mean she's a shoo-in for a rose, right? Wrong.
When it comes down to the final rose, it's between Kelley, Sydney and Mykenna and he gives it to Kelley. Which like, if he wasn't going to give Mykenna a rose anyway, why not go with the BOGO deal and send her and Tammy home at the same time? Also, his goodbye to Sydney, who he was just dry humping in Costa Rica while telling her she's the best kisser in the house, is so cold. It's just like "K, bye." I guess it doesn't matter since they'll both likely be on Bachelor in Paradise.

So for those keeping track, here's who's left: Our Fav Madison, Model Hannah Ann, Lawyer Kelley, Champagne Face Kelsey, Too Good for This Show Natasha, and Ariana Grande-lookalike Victoria.

And that's it! See you all next week as Peter continues this journey of making women who are all too good for him, fight for his attention. Til then, find me trying to sneak into this weekend's Oscar parties and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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