Monday, October 16, 2017

Kristi does: 30

In a shocking turn of events, I decided to allow the sands of time to carry me to 30. I figured, Beyonce did it and if 30 is good enough for Beyonce, it's good enough for me.
Being that I've hit this milestone and in the spirit of my blog, I wanted to share 30 musings. These are life lessons and random thoughts I've had that are particularly insightful. If I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm 30, so my thoughts are of extreme value and I live to educate the youths.

(As a note, these are in no particular order because I do what I want, assuming my parents and my boss are okay with it.)

1. Never tell a woman to calm down. It's the equivalent to shushing someone while squeezing taco sauce on their white shirt and making them step on a carpet of Legos. It's condescending and anyway if you do it, you're a dick.
2. The best album of all time is Danity Kane by Danity Kane.
    The best movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
    The best TV show is Friends.
    The best dog is the dachshund.
    The best dinosaur is the pterodactyl.
    The best fries are from McDonald's.

3. Sneaker wedges are stupid and just look like bloated sneakers. Did the inventor of these think "How can I make the most comfortable thing in the world, uncomfortable?" I understand wedges (even though sometimes they literally look like ugly ass clogs) because at least you can see the heel and it's somewhat fashionable. But sneaker wedges? THE WEDGE IS HIDDEN. AND IS ONLY A SECRET BETWEEN THE SHOE AND YOUR FOOT PAIN.
4. Goals before 40:
    1) Harvest honey with Beyonce (the Beyhive).
    2) Learn Nicki's rap in "Monster."
    3) Do the "Brr it's cold in here" cheer with Gabrielle Union.
5. If you're thinking that you can save calories by putting one of those little lemonade or tea packets straight into a cup of Aristocrat vodka and it'll taste good, you're wrong. Do not do it.

6. Do not drink Smirnoff vodka straight from the bottle using Cheetos as a chaser. Long story short, you'll vomit, have to throw out your sheets and your roommate will forever remember you in this gorgeous state.
7. Always keep at least one hoe dress. After a hard month at work, you're gonna want to dance to Rihanna and be a hoe and that's okay. Everyone does it. You. Me. Amal Clooney. Michelle Obama. Eve from the Bible.
8. Live for moments that take your breath away. And by this, I mean eat so much that you are literally out of breath because your expanded stomach is pushing on your lungs.

9. Don't waste time with chicken drumsticks. Those things have so many random ass pieces of tendon and weird ass chewy bits. Go straight for the flat wings. You can put the whole thing in your mouth and unzip it like a chicken jacket.

10. No matter how full you are, always finish the fries.
11. Parents are amazing people. Both of mine are white and they defied modern medicine by producing a full Asian child. Moms and dads just know shit and honestly they endured raising your dumbass, even through that angsty-Avril Lavigne phase, so show a little gratitude and respect.

12. When anyone asks you what you thought of Meryl Streep in something, always declare "She's Meryl." Even if the movie was garbage (haha "Ricki and the Flash").

13. If you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed, watch an episode or 50 of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." I've done several scientific studies on this and it's oddly calming. I don't know if it's their monotone voices or how even deaf, blind birds can understand what's going on, either way, it works.
14. Pigeons are assholes.

15. When you're in college and poor, go to the mall food court and just feast on chicken samples. All of those restaurants will call them something different like "bourbon chicken" or "pineapple chicken" or "pigeon chicken" but to be honest they're all General Tso's Chicken and they're free and delicious.

16. If you go to the beach once, you will never get all of the sand out of your life ever.

17. Nothing quite crushes your excitement over telling a story like when your friend frowns and says "You told me this already." WELL BITCH, BUCKLE UP BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN.

18. It's okay to outgrow friends. People change and mature and develop new interests and this isn't 9th grade and you don't need the votes for Homecoming Princess. Find a close group of friends and people who support you and are genuinely happy for you when Chrissy Teigen likes your tweet. These are the ones who matter.
19. It's important to weigh the worth of your strengths, particularly when you're job-hunting. I have personally found that the "special ability to smell fried chicken from miles away" is not quite as impressive as it may seem.

20. If you even slightly want that dessert, get it. You don't want to die regretting something and Jesus does not want to hear you complain for all of eternity that you didn't get that cookie cake.

21. As a leader, lead firmly by example but also be respectful. When my subordinates want me to review something, I politely request they print it out and bring it to my office so we can chat. Then, when they go to hand me the papers, I like to slap them out of their hand while yelling "NOT TODAY." Balance, ya know.
22. Eight times out of 10, making out with a random guy in a bar will not lead to a lasting relationship.

23. Always watch Hocus Pocus around Halloween and Love Actually around Christmas.

24. If a guy ever tells you that you do something well "for a girl," tell him that he does something well "for someone whose reproductive organs hang freely and in the open for anyone to kick."

25. Don't question who you're attracted to and don't let other people make you feel stupid for being attracted to Lil' Wayne or 19-year-old Shawn Mendes. CAN I LIVE.
26. Making new friends as an adult can be hard. Here are a few introductory phrases I've found have attracted my friendship and I think would work on most people:
    1) I can't finish this, do you want the rest?
    2) I know the security code to the front gate of Zac Efron's house.
    3) I made these brownies for you.

27. Find fashion that suits you and don't follow all of the trends. You're gonna look back at pictures of yourself wearing popped polo collars and sweater vests and giant hoops and wait did I mention sweater vests, and be like "why."

28. Getting a Brazilian wax never gets easier. You never truly get used to a middle-aged Russian woman pouring hot liquid on your lady cave then abruptly tearing away your ovaries.
29. To be honest, Pocahontas should have married Kocoum.

30. It doesn't take long for New York to have an impact on who you are. Your wardrobe slowly becomes predominately black. Your sunglasses get darker. Your soul becomes black, hardened by having to scowl at tourists and push through finance bros on the subway. The one thing that does not turn black is your bank account because you're paying more than it costs to build a spaceship in rent for an apartment the size of a crab cage. However, this in no way detours you from going to bottomless brunch, happy hour drinks or Michelin-starred restaurants. DEBT IS COOL!

And that's it! I'm glad I could share just a cup of this waterfall of knowledge I've accrued over the years. Now go forth my child, learn from my experiences and live the life Chrissy Teigen dreamed for us.

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