Thursday, November 16, 2017

The K-Mac Stack - 11/16/2017

Between awards shows and forcing my way into any event that has the slightest possibility of a Z-list celebrity appearance, I have various other thoughts and commentary on the daily deluge of pop culture news. I thought it'd be best to empty these thoughts somewhere because to be honest, my brain is running out of room and I should really create space for information that is actually useful.

So here we go, the inaugural edition of The K-Mac Stack! Just a stack of random ass commentary.

I apparently have no idea what "sexy" means
Did all the other men die? Did Idris Elba, Morris Chestnut and all of the Chris's (Hemsworth, Pine, Evans) turn down the offer to be People's Sexiest Man Alive? I'm generally confused by this. And look, don't get me wrong, I watch "The Voice" and find Blake really likable. I understand his appeal and find him charming, but you guys. Come on. The title is "sexiest" man alive. Not "nicest guy you'd ask to come chop down a tree in your yard then thank with a glass of lemonade."

For posterity's sake, here are things sexier than Blake Shelton:

  • Ryan Reynolds in his Deadpool costume
  • Every professional soccer player
  • Carson Daly in 1999
  • Christoph Waltz
  • The buffalo voiced by Idris Elba in "Zootopia"
  • A freshly made grilled cheese sandwich

I reached out to Gwen for comment, to which she replied:

Excuse me while I cry about Selena Gomez and The Weeknd
Per my iTunes play count of "Come and Get It," I am a Selena Gomez fan. My instincts just tell me she's fun and would be down to do something wild like eat french fries. And I have been writing "Mrs. Weeknd" on my Trapper Keeper for years, so when they got together I was there with streamers and confetti.

As a note, when I went to The Weeknd's concert in Brooklyn, Selena was there too, but she did not get my text and therefore did not invite me to the VIP section (reception in there is terrible, you know how it goes). Anyway, look how cute they were at the Met Gala this year!
A little birdie (read: intensive Googling) told me they were renting an apartment together in my neighborhood. I never got actual proof of this because every time I got in the vicinity, the police kept saying things like "ma'am that restraining order is still in effect" and "ma'am please get down from that tree."

Anyway all of this is moot. They broke up a few weeks ago because Selenita decided she was tired of being with a gorgeous, talented man whose voice is the soundtrack to heaven, and would rather be with a boy who looks like he fell into a vat of tattoo paint. And to round out this high school drama, The Weeknd was seen at French Montana's birthday party with Bieber's ex! Gasp! Who do we vote for Prom King and Queen now? I cry.

She doesn't dance now, rather, she makes money moves
Our girl Cardi B graced the cover of New York Magazine! To those of you I've yelled about Cardi to, put on those noise canceling headphones, because here comes some more. The first solo female rapper to have a Billboard #1 since Lauryn Hill in 1998! First woman to chart her first 3 singles on Billboard's Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs list! Was a stripper! Met Beyonce!

Anyway read the story, it has some real gems. Including advising that you should not be a thirsty hoe, you should be a classy hoe.

My husband has decided to save True Detective
I don't know if any of you watched season 2 of "True Detective," but if you didn't let me save you the time: don't. If season 1 was Meryl Streep, season 2 was Tara Reid. And not even American Pie Tara Reid, I'm talking hot mess Tara Reid falling out of an Escalade. Thankfully, my long distance husband Mahershala Ali is here to save the franchise. They haven't started filming and there is no release date yet, but it's apparently about some crime that happens in the Ozarks, the mystery of which isn't even the question "Where are the Ozarks?"

Which speaking of, there's already a show on Netflix starring Jason Bateman called "Ozark." Is there really a demand for TWO shows specifically based in the Ozarks? Based on a summary of that show and just the word "ozark," this is what I assume that region includes: 1) mountains 2) raccoons 3) crime 4) cold weather 5) raccoons committing mountain crimes in the cold weather.

I guess we'll find out when Mahershala teaches us all. I've already made room on our mantle for his Golden Globe.

I need to address two things from the 2017 MTV Europe Music Awards
1) My little Canadian maple leaf Shawn Mendes won all the major awards and showed up in this cute little suit and again this is a reminder that he is 19 and all of this is completely legal. However, I recently found out that he's "rumored" to be dating Hailey Baldwin, a rumor of which I will only believe and accept if I see them at the altar in the middle of their vows. Until then, I will continue to wear this "I heart Shawn Mendes" tank under all my clothes.
2) Camila Cabello absolutely had the best performance of the night and if you aren't listening to "Havana" on repeat, you are not living your best life.

I need to address one thing from the Country Music Awards
Despite "y'all" being the most frequently used word in my vocabulary and the fact that I lived near Nashville for two years, I am not a huge country music fan. And it's not because I think all country songs are about trucks, beer, "where'd she go," dogs, and rolling down windows. It's also because country music is more white than Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Uggs buying packaged peeled oranges and organic air from Whole Foods.

But, I caveat this by saying I absolutely love Maren Morris. Her voice is insane and she's gorgeous and I've seen her live and she wore a long hoodie and no pants and sang Beyonce at some point and anyway I'm a fan.

At the CMAs, she performed with Niall Horan, which by the way, quick question for the masses, do I think Niall is attractive? My heart can't decide, but he's Irish and I'm Irish and Selena Gomez once told me that the heart wants what it wants. He's doing this whole singer/songwriter thing and to be honest I love this collaboration.

Question of the week: Why isn't Dua Lipa bigger in the U.S.?
Her voice is kind of like a cross between Amy Winehouse, Sia, and Jessie Ware and she looks like an actual supermodel and half of her Instagram story is her getting drunk, so what I'm saying is I mailed her a friendship bracelet ages ago. Before "Havana" took over my life, I listened to "New Rules" on repeat, the video of which I need for you to watch and just embrace the diverse girl power. And flamingos!

She opened for Bruno Mars on about half of his U.S. tour dates and I seriously considered going until I found out tickets on the literal ceiling of the arena were more expensive than a diamond-encrusted jet. My point here is you should listen to her album and donate to my GoFundMe so I can see her one day.

I'm feeling so much lighter now that I've tossed all of these deep thoughts into the universe. Created just enough room for commentary from the American Music Awards this Sunday. See you then!

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