Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of Tia during the BIP reunion who got about four lines during the entire show, this being one of them:
We made it to the finale, y'all! Watching this season was like running an ultra-marathon except instead of running on a trail or road, we've been trudging through actual poop. And now that it's over we just feel gross and generally upset over the entire situation. So let's talk about it!

First things first, Eric is still the worst
During the reunion, Eric says he put so much energy into his relationship with Angela (note: he did not) and he felt like she put him in the friend zone EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD HIM SHE HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM AND WAS ALL IN. WE ALL SAW. I can't revisit this again. Here's her reaction as she realizes he's still on that same bullshit:
I'm happy to point out that the winner in all of Eric's dumbassery is Angela, and here is why:
From Angela's Instagram
THAT'S RIGHT. She's with good guy Clay! The lesson here is that sometimes, when you lose a potential boyfriend, you gain a fine ass NFL player who is exponentially better than the trash bag you thought you liked before. I love a good life lesson.

The Jordan and Jenna Affair
Emphasis on "affair." Before things turn Sour Patch Kids, Jordan and Jenna get one of the last date cards in Paradise. And it's probably the weirdest and dumbest date of the entire season. 
They participate in an engagement/wedding photoshoot? The producers got real lazy at the end with this one. Let's have them pose like they're getting married! This was so fucking weird. It'd be like if I snapped a billion pics of brownie batter and posted them to Instagram like "HEY EVERYONE, PRE-BROWNIES!" even though no one knows if I'll actually make said brownies. What is the point here.

They then have Jenna PUT ON AN ACTUAL WEDDING DRESS. I'm screaming. This is more bizarre than a Lifetime movie.
I guess production budget ran out, because this is how all of their photos are presented to us — in some PowerPoint template. And I don't know how wedding photoshoots work, but I don't think I'll want my fiance to pose like he's about to pop my head off like a Barbie doll. But that's just me.

Aside from the fact that this entire sequence of events causes more secondhand embarrassment than an Amanda Bynes interview, I have to admit, Jordan and Jenna are a pretty photogenic couple. And they end up getting engaged at the end!
By the end of this dumpster fire, I kind of liked Jordan and Jenna as a couple and believed they were two Tootsie Roll Pops that found each other. But as it turns out, it's not chocolate at the center of these two candies (I'm sorry for all of the mentions of poop, but when in Rome). 

One of Jenna's exes has come forward, saying she's been with him the entire time she's also been engaged to Jordan. And he has the text receipts as proof where she says her relationship with Jordan is fake and she can't stand him and she's only doing it for "business" and money (see a summary of this dramz here). Y'all. I spilled my Cheerwine and grasped my Caucasian pearls at this revelation. Our Carolina girl! Jenna has of course responded, saying she "is aware of the allegations" and is "requesting privacy at this time," which is exactly what a guilty person says. I'm saddened by this. I guess we should probably ban her from ever having Bojangles chicken again. It is the standard punishment for people who embarrass the Tar Heel state.

But anyway, here is a clip played during the reunion of them making a vision board together (SHOUTOUT TO JENNA'S PANTS, KILLIN IT).
I was dying at petty ass ABC for only focusing on Beniot's reaction. He and Jenna never had a serious relationship. She gave him Kool-Aid mouth and they hung out for approximately 4 minutes. So needless to say, he reacted like anyone would to watching two people cut out things from a magazine — BORED AF.

I don't know who defrosted Robbie from whatever paraffin-dipped chamber he's been in since the last season of BIP, but can we please put him back. Here he is avoiding blinking because he heard it gives you eyelid wrinkles:
Robbie is like that apartment mouse you can't get rid of (this may only apply to us New Yorkers). He just keeps scarily showing up, stealing your crackers and probably sitting on your couch while wearing your skinny jeans and HE JUST WON'T LEAVE. 

Anyway, by process of elimination he asks Shush on a date which is the most romantic way to be chosen. And this time she says yes! Because, as Astrid points out, "I think someone finally explained how Paradise works to her."
So they head to dinner and Shush tells Robbie about everyone accusing her of being a bitch with a capital W. Robbie then tells Shush he wants her to put him "under her spell" and I haven't heard something so lame and ovary-drying than that in a while. He also tells her that he's the guy who "tries everything once otherwise you never know," which is clearly not true because I have never seen him try to wear pants that actually fit and aren't from Baby Gap. 

This entire situation is moot because it's the end of the season, meaning the couples have to decide if they want to proceed to Fantasy Suites or go home and Robbie and Shush just met, so they obviously go home.

Why didn't everyone just go to the Fantasy Boom Boom Rooms? If not just to be in air conditioning again. There is no rule that says you HAVE to get engaged post-Fantasy, so why not enjoy one last night in a luxury bed with pillows that have a cold side?

In which we remember we don't like Kendall
To recap, Kendall spent 85% of this season deciding if she actually liked Joe by going on dates with every other dude while he patiently waited for her to sort herself out.

During one of the last nights, Joe tells Kendall he loves her and asks what she would do if he proposed. She responds by morphing into an Awkwardasaurus, doing that thing where she talks in run-on sentences while trying to catch the words coming out of her mouth with her hand gestures. She tells him that she loves him but doesn't know "what kind of love" and that she thought Joe felt the same way about the uncertainty of their status. To which Joe is like: 
This obviously confuses Joe who has spent 4000 God-forsaken weeks on this show dedicated only to Kendall. She comes out of nowhere with this confession, which might be the biggest placement ever of a dude into the conflict area known as "the friend zone."

She cries and proceeds to be more extra than the gum while saying it was "so last minute" for her to hear "all of this stuff" from Joe.
And by "all of this stuff" she means JOE TELLING HER HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER. WHICH HE HAS SAID BEFORE. AND HAS BEEN VERY CLEAR ABOUT. This would be like if I sat in a public space and ate an entire jar of peanut butter, but then get really upset over someone accusing me of liking peanut butter. IT MAKES ZERO SENSE.

They both leave Paradise, seemingly broken up and I'm left feeling upset that Joe or honestly anyone didn't scream this at Kendall: 
During the reunion we find out that after leaving Paradise, Kendall went to Chicago to see Joe. AND OF COURSE CAMERAS CAME ALONG, I mean duh. That is how every relationship works. Here is how their conversation in what appears to be a random hotel lobby goes:

Kendall: Sup, u up
Joe: I got a new haircut
Kendall: OMG I love you, let's get back together

And with that, we find out that they're back together and he's going to be on Dancing with the Stars and I really can't emphasize how much I hate this show.

"What the actual fuck dude"
Shoutout to Astrid for this initial response to Kevin after he decides that while they are perfect for each other, they should break up. It is the most confused I've been since that time Hayden Panettiere released an album. 
Apparently hearing the words "Fantasy Suites" invokes some level of PTSD in Kevin who reminds us about 25 times that he went to the suites with Ashley during Bachelor Winter Games and it was the biggest mistake of his life. So, clearly the best way for Kevin to deal with what Ashley did to him is to take it out on Astrid. Of course! She tells him that he's doing exactly what he asked her not to do to him. He then cries a bunch while she stares at him with what may be the most perfect brows and lashes on the show:
He asks her "not to leave him like this" because how dare she walk away from the dude who surprise dumped her a day after telling her he was in love with her! I mean, common courtesy people. What's a guy gotta do to get a girl to stick around after he dumps her on TV. 

Anyway, they both leave Paradise but during the reunion we learn that they're back together and it's almost like everyone does better outside of this horrendous show. A novel concept.

Chris Harrison does not sweat
Quick interjection to mention this. Everyone is literally always in varied states of nakedness and he shows up in every episode wearing a 10-piece suit with winter boots without breaking a sweat. If I even see a picture of a beach, I start sweating. HOW DOES HARRISON DO IT?

Wait, we were right to hate Kamil
Annaliese and Kamil's relationship is baffling. Based on his facial expressions and body language, you would think he has NO interest in her (and I'm not just referring to this moment above from the reunion). Their chemistry is next to nothing. One time I ran into a homeless man when I was coming out of the subway, and I mean RAN INTO. Like we fully embraced and the impact of which made him say "DAMN." Me and that homeless man had more chemistry than I've ever seen between Annaliese and Kamil.

Despite his body language, his words seem to contradict that because he constantly emphasizes he only likes Annaliese and she is perfect for him. It's like seeing someone being punched in the face but then responding by being like "I really enjoy this."  

They of course go to the Fantasy Suite where this giant Polish sausage is awaiting them and totally doesn't have any connotations attached to it (reminder: Kamil is Polish). Kudos to ABC for consistently letting 14-year-old boys write the script. I'm actually shocked the producers didn't make Kamil say something like "You want this wiener?"
Which honestly, in this case yes I do want it. In most cases, I want the sausage (LITERAL SAUSAGE, YOU PERVS). Doesn't it look great? With the charring? I just love sausage.

Annaliese tells Kamil that she fell in love with his soul which yes, I fell in love with his "soul" too:
The next day, post-sausage, they don't get engaged, but they declare their love for each other and we learn that Kamil is horrible at pretending he's not reading from a giant piece of paper behind Annaliese's head. He sounds so robotic and more unsure of the words he's reading than me any time I attempted to read an excerpt from my college roommate's chemistry textbook.
So the show ends with us thinking Kamil is actually a decent guy! Upon hearing that, Kamil decides it's about time to remind us that he is in fact an asshole. During the reunion, he breaks up with Annaliese, telling her that it didn't work outside of Paradise and he's not the guy for her. 
Annaliese is blindsided and leaves the stage for a second before returning to be like "Bro, I tried breaking up with you first but you said we should keep trying." And while I'm not the biggest Annaliese fan, this entire situation was messy and terrible. She asks him why he's telling her this now (on TV) and he tells her that he "wanted to be a man" and "do it in person."  WHAT A GENTLEMAN. Let me just provide a footnote for everyone: if you want to dump someone, yes you should do it in person. UNLESS THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE THEM IN PERSON IS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. 

They then proceed to take their conversation backstage which is dumb because cameras are there also so I mean it's not like they escaped to some private area. And Kamil essentially dumps Annaliese again, just in a different room this time.
And to answer your question, yes that couch does look a lot like my couch. I had to doubletake for a second like was this filmed in my apartment? ABC is so sneaky.

Apparently being kookoo for Cocoa Puffs while ignoring plates of perfectly poached eggs works in Paradise because these two kookaburras end up being the strongest couple. Turkey or Pigeon or whatever bird nickname Chris gave himself and Krystal end the season with him proposing.
But not before providing us with a sound bite meant to make us think he's breaking up with her. He tells her he cannot leave Paradise holding her hand....[LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE]....because he wants to leave holding her heart. Which, excuse me for watching too many episodes of Game of Thrones, but I found this alarming. 

As it turns out, he means it in a metaphorical way and not in a Khaleesi eating-a-heart way and Krystal says yes and I can't believe this is the basket we've put all our eggs in. 

During the reunion, we learn that Chris passed the final hurdle of their relationship by meeting Krystal's dogs. And their moms are now best friends. And then they're gifted a crystal goose (hehe get it) and he cries because he's so happy.
And love is beautiful and all but I remain somewhat baffled. Chris and Krystal ending the season by being in the best place as a couple would be like if there was a global vote on what flavor to make an entire bag of Skittles and yellow won. YELLOW. 

And that's it! This entire experience was exhausting. Luckily, I saved 4-6 brain cells to waste on Colton's season of The Bachelor, so see you all in the torture chamber for that (already taking bets for how many times they'll call him "The Virgin Bachelor").

See you all next week for the Emmys! Til then, find me eating soup then complaining about how uncomfortably full it makes me feel and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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