What did we learn from the 2018 People's Choice Awards?

I've watched a lot of awards shows — from the main dishes of the Oscars and Grammys to the side dishes of the SAG Awards and Golden Globes to the unwanted leftovers of anything on MTV. But this year's People's Choice Awards will go down as the worst ever. And that's saying a lot, because I once live streamed a small Canadian music awards show.

Anyway, E! thought that they could bring their television mastery to a show that in previous years has been pre-taped and hosted by Kaley Cuoco. So the bar was already pretty high. Let's jump into this overflowing dumpster!

Best dressed

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I AM SCREAMING. Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund won the award for Animal Star of 2018 and this entire show would've been infinitely more entertaining and legitimate had they just stationed a camera on him the entire night. He also looked better than any other wiener on the carpet and this is quite possibly the best use of E!'s Glam Cam ever. I LOVE A DRAMATIC ZOOM. Honestly, I will never understand people who have dogs and don't make them wear clothes.

Why is this happening to us

Rancic showed up wearing a rain coat from a Star Wars villain's closet and even she is wondering why we have to endure her. The way she's wearing this looks like what happens when you wear a tank top to bed and wake up with one boob hanging out of one of the arm holes. I guess that's what happened to Rancic. Fell asleep in this Guardians of the Galaxy coat and woke up just in time to torture us on the red carpet.

Awards are expensive

E! named 110% of the winners before the show even started because there are apparently 450 categories and everyone gets a participation trophy. James Charles won the award for Beauty Influencer and all I could focus on was the fact that his trophy still had the Target price tag on it:

I could not stop laughing. As if we didn't already know this show was one step above a Beanie Babies convention.

Remember when Rita Ora dated Rob Kardashian
Rita Ora made an appearance on the red carpet making her the most famous person to appear for the night. I'm not even throwing shade (or 50) because I actually really like her. Her voice is pretty great and I don't know if you've seen the Fifty Shades movies, but she's in them and just waiting for that Oscar.

Anyway, shout out to this guy who shares my same sentiments:

Okay, let's get to the actual shit of this shit show.

THE REASON I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WOULD BE GOOD

In measuring the level of my obsession with Chrissy Teigen, I'd like to think I toe the line for creepy, while never crossing it. But I'm really really really close, like constantly hovering over it. Chrissy and Mr. Chrissy (read: John Legend) didn't even walk the red carpet because they do not have time for Rancic's BS. Also pretty sure she just made John tag along to support her presenting the award for Reality Series (note: she LOVES Bravo TV).

Now, I'm not insinuating I started watching Vanderpump Rules and Southern Charm because she loves them. I am outright saying that's why I started watching them. I AM VERY IMPRESSIONABLE, OKAY. And just as I suspected, her refined taste in television did not disappoint as was most evident in this super deep moment from the last season of Vanderpump:

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Speaking of Vanderpump...

What do you think the combined IQ of this table is

Are all of the people on Vanderpump Rules horrible? Yes. But are they honestly trying to grow and mature and be better people? HAHA ABSOLUTELY NOT. But they're entertaining as hell. One time Stassi (middle blonde) told Jax (front right tux) that she was the devil and I truly believe her. This is the table I would've wanted to sit at. They spent the entire evening being loud as hell while drinking all of the alcohol at their table before I assume stealing it from Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund's table.

How existential is this photo of them taking shots with the words "Reality Show" in the background? I am an artist. Also, I do not fully understand what the word existential means.

This is all of them reacting to Chrissy saying she loves them, which I'm only including for Lala who seems completely unfazed. For those of you who don't watch this show that continues to be robbed of an Emmy, Lala dates an old rich dude, only flies on private jets, wears huge gold hoops all the time and sometimes drinks milk out of a bottle. All very normal things.

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THIS SHOW IS A MASTERPIECE.

In which E! gives an award to the most famous show on E!

Just a gentle reminder that these awards are not awarded based on the "people's votes." Who even knows where those votes go? I feel like when you submit your votes online, they are literally printed out somewhere straight into a shredder. Anyway, the Kardashians won the award for Reality Series and all I want to talk about is how fucking creepy Kris is:

Unless you are Cyclops (from X-Men) who has to wear sunglasses all the time to prevent himself from shooting lasers at people, you have no reason to wear sunglasses indoors. And okay I know there are other medical reasons, but the point is Kris is not affected by any of those. I actually don't know what steals my attention more, Kris looking like a predator or Kourtney's REALLY AMAZING BROWS???

Carson Daly has been wearing the same outfit for 20 years

He has legitimately maintained the same outfit, hairstyle and stubble since the early 2000s, which is both admirable and also wtf? Do you think his closet is just a bunch of black utility jackets and Hanes white tees?

What the hell is a Shadowhunter

I feel pretty confident in saying this is the only time "Shadowhunters" will be named the top show of any year. This was the point in the evening when I realized I had made a terrible mistake. The other nominees in the category included: "This is Us" (which makes sense), "Grey's Anatomy" (who even knew this was still on), "The Big Bang Theory" (I'll let you fill in your own commentary), and "13 Reasons Why" (why tho). FOR SHOW OF THE YEAR??? WHO CHOSE THESE NOMINEES, A PERSON WHO DOES NOT ENJOY TELEVISION??

Shadowkillers also won some other awards, but I don't remember which ones because I was too busy screaming WHAT IS THIS SHOW?

Okay Shay Mitchell, we get it

I even happened to take this screenshot when she was blinking and she still looks absolutely flawless, which is pretty rude. For comparison, here is what I look like when someone surprises me by taking a photo:

I find solace in the fact that she is a terrible actress. Trust me. If you've seen even 14 seconds of "Pretty Little Liars," you know this is true. So I guess she'll just have to settle for being ridiculously good looking and one of the faces of Adidas. Totally sucks.

Who tricked Allison and Melissa into coming to this

Did someone tell them this was a special ceremony for Meryl or something? Or that Ryan Gosling was handing out kisses? Did that woman in the black dress orchestrate all of this? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FINALE OF "THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL ALLISON JANNEY AND MELISSA MCCARTHY WOULD ATTEND THIS SHOW OF THEIR OWN VOLITION." Though I did really appreciate the fact that Melissa was seated next to Nicki Minaj.

If this ain't the poster for a new comedy series, I don't know what is.

When someone asks how many eyes and boobs you have

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How does Gwen Stefani look younger than she did in 1998? More importantly, should I try a middle part?

Victoria Beckham invented suits

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Look how nonchalant this boss ass bitch walks up to accept her Fashion Icon award. The whole hands-in-suit-pockets pose is such a power move that says "I run this" and also "I have peanut M&M's in my pocket." She was presented her award by Allegra Cole from "Hitch" whose real name I don't know and also should I know her from anything else?

Posh then included this in her acceptance speech and I hollered:

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Do we think I can wear this on casual Friday

Nicki wore this outfit that seemed to be made completely of belts and spiderwebs and I kept wondering how did she go to the bathroom?? Like did she have to unbuckle each of those belts? Have you ever been rushing home to use the bathroom and then have to frantically struggle to undo your belt? Can you even imagine what that would be like if you were wearing this? Nicki is a true hero. Also, she used her speech to shoot her shot with Michael B. Jordan by first thanking the designer for her outfit then saying "and thank you to Michael B. Jordan who will be taking this off of me tonight." YOOO NICKI. MY GIRL.

And that's it! While the PCAs were only two hours long, they felt like about 45 days. It was like some sort of cleanse, except instead of cleansing toxins from my body, it cleansed pesky brain cells.

See you all soon! Til then, find me eating pounds of pasta while claiming I'm allergic to gluten and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).