Wednesday, October 10, 2018

What did we learn from the 2018 American Music Awards?

Before we jump into things, just reminding you that at shows like the American Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, VMA's, etc., the award literally goes to whoever shows up to this JV pep rally. That's it. Don't let them make you believe there's any sort of "voting."

This year's AMAs recap is brought to you by Taran Killan's reaction to Cardi B's performance:
As a side note, whenever I see Cobie Smulders I don't think about "How I Met Your Mother" or "The Avengers," instead I immediately think about that Nicholas Sparks movie she was in with Julianne Hough (LOLOLOL) where she played the ghost of Josh Duhamel's wife. And so that's my history with her because I know you were wondering.

I'm skipping over the red carpet because I don't even know where the pre-show aired. I checked my usual dumpster, E!, and it wasn't there so I guess some high school public broadcasting program aired it. Here we gooo!

Still skeptical as hell about this
Swifty opened the show with her usual dramatics and attempts to dance, but this time with fire! And sass because remember she is in her "badass" phase as is evident in her bangs. I don't actually remember a lot about this because I always find the music and theatrics around her performances pretty amazing while her vocals are meh. It's like having a sandwich made with the most amazing homemade bread while the contents of the sandwich are an old Kraft Singles wrapper. Disappointing and also confusing.
I don't want to dive into the whole Swifty political sphere except to say yes, it's great and awesome she is using her platform to encourage young people to vote while also pointing out some candidates are literal monsters. But um, girl where was this two years ago? I'm still skeptical as hell of her and I'm pretty sure she has used the line "Do you know who I am?" at CVS when she's forgotten her ExtraCare card.

On the flipside, the entire "1989" album is a bop. So I remain conflicted. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers during this time.

In surprise to no one, she won a bunch of awards because I believe that was in her contract with the AMAs in exchange for her attendance.

Me whenever Mariah is introduced to perform:
Nothing induces more anxiety than hearing "And now...Mariah Carey!" because you never really know what you're going to get. Will it be like New Year's Eve 2017 Mariah? Or will it magically be 1998 Mariah who can still hit a whistle note? Things ended up okay this time.
She debuted her new song, which, it's unclear who asked for new Mariah music. I took a poll and we just want her to re-release the "Daydream," "Butterfly," "Rainbow" and "The Emancipation of Mimi" albums over and over again.

When you're casually stretching at the gym and a hot guy walks in
Cardi, Bad Bunny and J Balvin performed "I Like It," and can y'all believe she had a baby like 3 months ago? For reference, I have had zero babies and the last time I tried to dance or stretch like that I dislocated my uterus.
Their stage setup was by far, the best. And probably the most entertaining mostly due to Cardi. She proceeded to serve us looks from the audience for the rest of the night while yelling, which, "yells while wearing custom Dolce & Gabbana" is peak what I look for in a role model.

I'm not going to critique their red carpet looks except to say Camila wins (per usual) because opting for pants that have pockets and allow you to squat and sit with your legs open, always wins. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES. This year, 3/5's of Fifth Harmony showed up, meaning we're gaining one member per year at the AMAs so by 2020 I'm guessing there will be a reunion and they'll perform "Work From Home" and I'll scream. I'm dying at Lauren's facial expression (far right, omg I can't believe I have to point her out to you). She looks like she just saw someone across the room unplug her phone from charging.

Normani and Lauren haven't dropped solo albums yet, so they were both just attendees at the Camila show. And I guess the AMAs forgot their ticket to Petty Town because we got NO reaction shots of either of them when Camila won any of her 50 awards or when she performed. What good are these award shows if not to fuel non-existent drama?

Anyway Camila performed her new song in this bigass gown and some gloves and the biggest question we were all faced with was should I get bangs???
Okay and again, y'all know I love Camila, but it's like the AMAs thought she was the only attendee. We got approximately 4,568 shots of her during the night.
Like, can we get some of Constance Wu, who was literally right behind her? Or Cardi? Or one zoomed in on Shawn Mendes' face? Which speaking of...

Shawn Mendes performed "Lost in Japan" because he is obsessed with me (hello - I grew up in Japan and I've been lost many, many times). And if you're wondering how the audience reacted to his entire performance, I'll let Carrie Underwood and this random woman speak for everyone:
It was adorable and my lawyers say I should remind you that he is 20 years old so our relationship is completely legal. Plus, I mean his last name is MENdes not BOYdes because he is a grown man.

Also, he won this award:
ADULT contemporary. An award that can only be won by an ADULT. And sure he can only buy us alcohol in Canada BUT THAT'S FINE.

Spotted: A wild Rami Malek
Speaking of boyfriends. Rami was there to promote his new movie about Queen that he plays Freddie Mercury in. Something about Rami really creeps me out, but also, I think I am in love with him? As the Nobel Laureate Selena Gomez once said, THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.

While we're on the topic of my personal life

I think I'm also a little bit in love with Quavo? This is a new development. Per my interest in Lil' Wayne, maybe it's his face tattoos? I DON'T KNOW, OKAY. And anyway, he's dating Saweetie (which is cute). So that's the reason we can't date. The only reason.

Someone I am definitely not dating
Let me preface this by saying basically all of Post Malone's songs are catchy as hell. But something tells me that's not the only thing you can catch from him. Also, I feel like he probably smells like hot dogs and old socks?

My time machine worked
And we're in the 90s! Real quick reminder that DUA LIPA SHOULD BE A BIGGER DEAL THAN SHE IS IN THE U.S. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. She gave us major 90s rave party vibes with this performance and where am I? HERE FOR IT. She wore this baggy pants + ho' top situation that I believe Julia Stiles invented back in the day and proceeded to have neon paint splattered all over her, a practice which was invented in "Miss Congeniality" (if you don't remember the paint drumming scene, please see yourself out).

To top it off, she ended the set by having it rain on stage! Which remains an over-the-top thing I'm obsessed with because it's so extra. And look, I am afforded essentially no opportunities to be onstage, but the moment I am given one, you better believe I'm gonna make it rain (literally, not with money).
Anyway, it was the most fun performance and she sang live the entire time and most importantly she had the best brows of the evening:

We also got back to the 90s with Halsey and her jeans + Jordans combo during her performance with Khalid and Benny Blanco:
Time travel is great.
Missy Elliott came out for a remix of Ciara's "Level Up" and I felt like I was 14 again buying Adidas Superstars so I could dance to "Gossip Folks" (the shoes activate your dancing skills, duh). The "Under Construction" album remains one of the best and I will fight you.

Oh also, reminder that aside from Cardi, Ciara should've been the only one allowed to dance during the show.
In case you're wondering, Carrie Underwood is a:
Great job, AMAs. This cracked me up for a bit.

Thank goodness, no Madonna
Remember a few months ago when Madonna come out at the end of the VMAs to "pay tribute" to Aretha Franklin and we, as a universe, felt embarrassed and upset and befuddled as to who let Madonna out of her crypt? The AMAs tribute to Aretha was the polar opposite of that. Actually, you can't even compare them. Gladys Knight, Donnie McClurkin, CeCe Winans, Ledisi, and Mary Mary all covered songs from her "Amazing Grace" album and it was unbelievably great. The best way to end the night.

And that's it! This fracking show was THREE HOURS LONG. What do the AMAs think they are? The Oscars? Titanic?

See you all soon! Til then, find me eating trail mix made mostly of chocolate while calling it "healthy food" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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