Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by the many faces of Demi reacting to the stench of idiocy wafting all around her.
It's week 5! Meaning we've only got 4 more hours of this! We could watch Beyonce's Homecoming film on Netflix four times instead, but here we are making bad decisions! Yay!

The non-existent love triangle
After Angela's arrival, Nicole spends the week staring at her and obsessing over Angela's non-existent plan to Winona Ryder steal Clay away. Nicole marathon shit talks her from afar and honestly I don't blame her because I don't think I'd ever want to actually stand next to Angela. It'd be like holding a $5 Forever 21 basic T next to a Gucci gown and I'm not even putting myself down, just presenting facts. As a reminder once again THIS IS ANGELA:
Also, Nicole's way of "insulting" Angela is to mockingly point out how she has no body fat and has amazing hair (reference photo above). She is one compliment away from asking out Angela herself. That doesn't happen, but she does finally talk to her:
Nicole is quick to tell Angela that she and Clay are "boyfriend girlfriend" as if this is middle school and she just wrote Clay's name on her hand cementing their relationship status. Angela is like cool story bro, I'm here to get new d...udes. This conversation ends with Angela sauntering off and Nicole returning to screaming I'M TOTALLY SECURE IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CLAY by forcing him to do push-ups with her on top of him:
Meanwhile, we learn that Clay didn't introduce Nicole as his girlfriend at the wedding last week, which is the highest of crimes in this high school nightmare of a show. Clay says he didn't because "well, everyone knows we're together." HA. What a ding dong. I want to take this opportunity to recant my previous obsession with him — it was mostly based on his bod. I now find his whiny, monotone, emotionless-Kristen-Stewart voice annoying.

Our very own relationship healer Tayshia offers the insight of "Clay thinks he's available, but he is not," which is only proven by Clay's incessant talking about Angela. This would be like if I spent my whole day proving I don't like Shawn Mendes by butting into every conversation to say "HEY, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH SHAWN MENDES OKAY I JUST LOVE HIS FACE AND VOICE AND BOD AND WOULD SELL MANY ORGANS TO MARRY HIM AND HERE'S THIS WEIRD SHRINE IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET AND I FOUND HIS HOUSE ON GOOGLE MAPS BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM." People would rightfully get the impression that I like Shawn Mendes. To summarize, Clay spends most of the week complaining about how he can't watch Angela date the other dudes while also claiming he really likes Nicole, but while actively staring at Angela. It's all as stupid as it sounds because, I cannot emphasize this enough, ALL OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS ARE MOOT.

What Angela is actually focused on
Doing the Lord's work, Angela uses her date card on Mike meaning we have a new Best Brows Couple in town:
Except this connection is short lived. They have dinner before going on a boat that appears to be in a fountain at a strip mall. At one point it starts "raining" (read: stage production) and they appear to act out a scene of The Notebook:
Angela and Mike's relationship is shorter than the list of Academy Awards the Twilight movies have won, as she ends the week completely invested in Chase (another new arrival this week). This also means that Mike ends up going home this week because none of these woman have taste.

Speaking of tasteless, some fast facts on Chase: He's from JoJo's season, has ceiling eyes, is boring, has definitely DM'd SEVERAL of his Instagram followers for hook-ups, and might not know how to spell orange. I'm going to assume Angela is hanging out with him just to have fun for the last two weeks of this horrendous show.

Back to Clay and Angela because this horse ain't dead yet
After longingly staring at her for days while saying he's over her, Clay decides he and Angela need to chat. She REALLY doesn't want to, but does anyway and for reference, here's her face during most of their conversation where you can literally hear her saying "HOOOOOOOOKAY":
We learn that Clay ended their 8-month relationship for a very serious and specific reason: Angela wouldn't go to the gym with him. GASP. Also, it's a priority for Angela to become a wife and mother, and Clay says he "wants more" WHICH WOW. You mean this super hot and intelligent independent woman actually wanted to marry your dumped-by-the-NFL-now-unemployed ass and YOU want MORE? I HATE THIS SHOW GIVING THESE WACKASS DUDES CONFIDENCE.

When you get dumped for the second time in two weeks
After more petty arguing between Derek and JPJ, Tayshia finally admits to Derek that she "won't get there" with him and y'all I don't know where this elusive "there" is that everyone refers to. Here's a summary of their breakup:

Tayshia: I will never get to the unknown destination of There Town
Derek: I can drive us
Tayshia: I don't know what I want
Derek: So maybe you want me then?
Tayshia: Oh honey no, I don't know what I want but I know I don't want you
Derek: :/

It's actually pretty sad because Derek seems like a genuinely nice guy (despite the unfounded things JPJ keeps yelling at him). And I'm not just saying that because I think we should date since he looks like John Krasinski and I look exactly like Emily Blunt (don't look it up, just trust me). I am positive he'll be back for another season of BIP.

Having whittled down her fan club, Tayshia then dedicates the rest of the week to building her relationship with JPJ, who is Lifetime movie levels obsessed with her.

We apparently needed more white guys
Two of the most Caucasian men in the history of Caucasity join the cast this week: Luke and Matt. Luke is from Hannah's season and most remembered for being the ugly version of Nick Viall and for being body slammed by Roid Rage Luke. Matt is also from Hannah's season, but was sent home on the first night.

They get a date card for a double date and Luke asks Kristina while Matt asks Sydney. The only items of note from this double date: 1) Luke sweats A LOT. Like who knew such a tiny body could produce so much sweat. 2) Matt, whose first language is sign language because both of his parents are deaf, teaches Sydney some phrases including "Kiss me." Sydney proceeds to sign this repeatedly while staring at him, hoping he'll get the hint.
This girl's hands are getting callused from signing it so much until he finally admits he doesn't kiss on the first date (he eventually kisses her later ahead of the Rose Ceremony). Which okay, that's nice, except here's Matt the next day on a first date with Bri (the last new arrival for the week):
To clarify, that is kissing. On the first date.

Tangentially related, Bri was on Colton's season and faked an Australian accent for the first night before making it through quite a few weeks of the show without interacting with him at all and just showing up to Rose Ceremonies in the best gowns with the best hoops. Legendary.

This vanilla pudding is still very vanilla
Hannah and Dylan are still enjoying their extended stay in Nap City:
Though at one point, they do move their napping to one of the dirty day beds where the producers who just learned about editing in Final Cut Pro have decided to blur out her ass. What is the point of this? It just makes her look like she's wearing a blurry diaper.
During this period of time that both of these sloths manage to stay awake, Hannah tells Dylan that when she moves to LA they can go on walks AND WOW, THIS DEEP MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION IS JUST EXHILARATING.

Oh that's right, Katie and Chris are still here
And going strong! Chris officially asks Katie to be his girlfriend because the relationships on this show are required to follow high school rules and she of course says yes.

When no one wants your scrubby ass
Emo Blake is on week three of being deep in his feelings while looking like Squidward and listening to sad Drake songs. He whines that all he wants is someone who's gorgeous, funny, smart and sexy, so why are none of the ladies flocking to his weirdly mushy body complemented by his shitty personality?? Thumb Head realizes Kristina is the only clown who will give him a rose, I mean, possibly give him a chance, so he decides he's "all in" with her.

He tells her he's been thinking "a lot" (read: for the past 3 desperate minutes) about them and how they owe it to themselves to give it a real go. She's skeptical, but only because he has a history of lying and being selfish and also having a thumb head, but agrees to give their situation a chance. I predict if he doesn't play her before this season ends, he surely will by Stagecoach next year.

"Do you think Connor likes Caelynn?"
Yes, I think it's safe to say he does. Connor and Caelynn have now spent a week together so they're nearing the engagement level of their relationship. With things going so well with Connor, who seems to be a nice, stable guy, this seems like the perfect time for....

Hey guys, here to fuck shit up
Dean returns sans mustache looking like a guy who doesn't believe in "brands" but owns 100 Urban Outfitters shirts and 15 pairs of Birkenstocks and pretends to read Bukowski while thinking you aren't "cultured" enough. His Dashboard Confessional lookin ass walks right over to Caelynn to pull her away to chat.

He tells her he's always been very guarded but hasn't stopped thinking about her since leaving to return to his van in San Diego. He recently rented a car (which is weird bc he has a van) to drive to the Grand Canyon, where he realized he wished Caelynn was there with him. She emphasizes that she's building something with Connor and feels safe with him to which Dean is like "Who wants safe?" which is laughable because Dean clearly thinks he's some sort of bad boy just because he lives in a van and has tight pants.

The episode ends with Dean asking Caelynn to leave with him and Caelynn reacting by seeing if she can wear her knees as glasses:
And that's it! We're nearing the finish line, so I can feel my brain cells preparing to replenish! See you next week for the final two episodes. Til then, find me depressed over the fact that sloths sometimes grab their own arms instead of tree branches and fall to their death (sorry for sharing that but thanks for joining me in being sad) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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