Thursday, September 12, 2019

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

It's week 6! Aka the week we could've wrapped up this dumpster fire season instead of being forced to watch an additional episode next week. Yay!

Who Caelynn chooses
Last week ended with Dean asking Caelynn to leave with him because he's serious about their relationship as is evident by the shaving of his mustache. Caelynn can't decide between Dean (who lives in a van, has no job and will probably cheat on her at some point) and Connor (who has vocal fry yes, but is also mature and ready to marry and take Caelynn's name). Ultimately, because this show is built on bad decisions, she obviously chooses Dean and has to be like "Oop, sorry Connor, leaving with this homeless man."
Her hand is literally trying to prevent her mouth from voicing her horrendous decision. Dean and Caelynn leave and makeout in the car, which is actually a pretty good preview for their life together. In a vehicle.
Dean notes living in a van is the best because "you're driving in your bedroom," which is perhaps the worst example of efficiency I've ever heard.

Connor then cries because he was sure this woman he just spent 7 days with was his future wife. Luckily a new lady arrives to distract his weeping...

Why you might not remember Revian
I mean aside from the fact that she was only on Colton's season for approx 15 seconds before being sent home, she also had blonde hair. While I appreciate the producers' groundbreaking move to have TWO Asians in Paradise, it's also pretty offensive that one of them isn't me.

Anyway, Revian uses her date card on Connor because he is quite literally the only solo cup left and they head out on a date that includes riding on segways before eating mango because these dates are created by spinning some sort of roulette wheel twice to pair random activities.
I guess there are worse activities than having a man feed you mango while you're wearing a helmet. Connor spends 99% of the time thinking and talking about Caelynn before wrapping up the date by kissing Revian because nothing makes sense here on Confusing Planet.

All oiled up and nowhere to go
The segways and mango just do not set Connor's heart ablaze, so he proceeds to spray himself with Pam before whining about how he wishes Whitney (from Nick Viall's season) was here.
He and Whitney had a "connection" at Chris and Krystal's wedding and by "connection" he means he vocal fried her for 3 minutes. He thinks if he stares at the stairs leading into the beach long enough while saying her name repeatedly, she'll appear like Beetlejuice. When she doesn't immediately appear, Connor decides to leave.

But then of course, Whitney and her great brows arrive:
And she's like "WHURR CONNOR" and everyone tells her that he left after she didn't materialize in front of him. And with that, her and her brows depart:
She heads to his hotel to find him, saying "I hope he's shirtless when I see him" which is not at all foreshadowing for this:
Connor pretends to be surprised as if the producers didn't just knock on his door to scream at him to remove his shirt and they both talk about how happy they are to finally be together again following what I'm sure was a meaningful conversation at the wedding.

Their epic love story ends with Connor touching a woman's knee for the first time ever:

The most embarrassed I have ever been for anyone ever
At the last Rose Ceremony, Luke (aka Lil' Luke aka Poor Man's Nick Viall) decides to shoot his shot and offers his rose to Bri, who responds as such:
Bri is like "ummm who are you and also no thanks," meaning for the first time EVER, a rose is declined. To solidify this moment in history as if we didn't just witness it happen, Chris Harrison's useless ass comes out to say "Wow, this has never happened before, does......anyone wants Luke's rose?"

Anyone's response:
Meanwhile, Luke is standing there holding his flaccid rose looking like a chump.
I've always found him a bit condescending and terrible. And I'm positive he only wears Brooks Brothers, is a "Well, actually" guy who wants to correct anything anyone says and refuses to eat Chinese food in the mall food court because it isn't "authentic."

As he's leaving, he nixes any pity you may have for him by saying he "wanted" to go home anyway but thought he would see if Bri would give him a chance. SURE, JAN.

But wait, Bri is on a roll
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Matt is super torn between Sydney, who he has a strong and deep connection with, and Bri, who he thinks is hot. Like he is just tripping over his boner at the idea he could leave Paradise with a supermodel. And I know he may look like a simple, country white guy but that's only because he is. He ends up following the smoke of his burning loins to Bri, giving her his rose. Sydney goes home, but not before (accurately) predicting that Bri would end up dumping Matt's ass. Also this is the face I make for 50% of the day (the other 50% is spent eating, so):
Matt's conversations with Bri consist of him drooling while calling her a "supermodel" until finally she's like, um sorry Old McDonald, you made the wrong choice and I don't see a future here because I don't think you even know my name, byeeeeee. And they both leave.

Chris Harrison paints this final Rose Ceremony as some sort of Armageddon event where people will die if they don't move toward engagement. When like, if you like someone but aren't ready to get engaged, you could just agree to leave together and continue dating in the GASP real world. A wild concept.

All of that is moot because the main point here is: BOTH ASIAN GIRLS GET SENT HOME ON THE SAME NIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. Sydney and Revian. Our founding mother, Lucy Liu, DID NOT break her back carrying the Charlie's Angels franchise for such disrespect. I will never forget this and vow to only watch every episode of every season of this show from now on.

When you finally realize this ain't Stagecoach
As the great poet Justin Timberlake once said: What goes around, comes around. And that "what" finally hits Thumb Head this week.

Because he assumes everyone is obsessed with him, Blake continues to think Kristina actually likes him despite this being her face every time they interact:
He surprises her with some fondue and she in turn surprises him by dumping his Big Toe looking head. He cries and launches into his WOE IS ME spiel while she stares longingly at this plate of fondue wondering if it'd be in bad form to still eat it:
Here's a better shot of the fondue plate because it's important:
They both leave and we all cheer for Kristina finally tossing out this moldy relationship.

A better love story than Twilight
This week, JPJ surprises Tayshia with her own Paradise Prom because she wasn't asked to her own prom WHICH I FIND PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE. Like I bet they renamed prom at Tayshia's school after her. Anyway, this is pretty adorable and JPJ wears a suit even though the humidity is clearly at 100000%.

Later, Tayshia surprises JPJ with an art session where she decides she's going to sketch him like he's Kate Winslet in Titanic. As a note, under that blanket he's wearing a jean Speedo:
Things seem to be progressing sweetly for them and JPJ finally tells Tayshia that he loves her. And based on this reaction I'm mostly including for the close-up of Tayshia's brows, I knew things were about to get dramatic:
She tells him that she still cannot locate her ticket to There Town, so she won't get there with him. He holds a tsunami wave of tears back and thanks her for some of the most magical moments of his life before getting up to leave.

Tayshia chases after JPJ because she needs to ensure he sees her super cute outfit and also to apologize for how this is ending for them.
He responds like any guy whose just been dumped does (lol jk) — by picking up her and cradling her like a baby while saying she doesn't have to apologize:
And while I still hate this show, I felt the slightest tinge of sadness for the end of this relationship.

Oh that's right, Chris is an idiot
As a reminder, this is Katie:
And this is Chris:
After confirming to Katie that he's 100% in, Chris starts to have his doubts. And honestly I've had my doubts too — mainly I doubt Katie would date Chris' old boring ass had they just met in real life and not on this science experiment of a show.

Right, so Chris, who has been on 80 seasons of this show, is a 4 who is currently dating a 10, and who is desperate to get married, is feeling like maybe something is missing with him and Katie. He finally shares this with Katie and I don't remember most of the convo because it looks like he has pink eye in both eyes:
After he blabbers on, Katie's like I get it you have baggage but I'll pay that excess baggage fee, so whatevs. And that's good enough for Chris and they're back on track.

The only couple that will actually stay together
Demi and Kristian, who are the only ones who met under normal circumstances outside of the show, have a bit of a a rough patch this week stemming from the fact that Demi doesn't like PDA and Kristian does. This is a NORMAL disagreement for a couple to have as opposed to the other overly dramatic arguments these other coconuts are having.
After initially having a passive aggressive conversation where they don't look at each other, Demi talks through her insecurities about having a girlfriend for the first time and Kristian listens and they reaffirm they are the only adults on this beach having an adult relationship. They agree they have some things to work through, but they're both committed to it.

Awake after their 6-week nap!
The producers entice Dylan and Hannah to stay awake for an hour by offering them a date card. And their date is to attend a child's birthday party? A child they do not know. Y'all, this show does some bizarre shit, but this almost tops the list.
I don't want to make generalizations, except wait my nametag says General Manager so here we go: Hannah is DEF one of those white girls who took one year of Spanish and now pronounces "tamales" like she actually knows Spanish.

After crashing a child's birthday party, they work to make everyone feel comfortable by making out in front of them:
Talking about them is putting me to sleep because like this kiss, they are so dry and dull. I'm sure they'll get engaged. And I guess two plain pieces of toast finding each other to make a dry ass sandwich is a good thing.

An update on Clay and Nicole
They hold hands over a plate of beef.

Nicole also tries to get Clay to admit he maybe sorta kinda might possibly be falling in love with her. He is definitely not going to propose.

What is this
Can someone let me know why there's a giant hole on the beach surrounded by velvet ropes like this is some sort of VIP hole. I'm including Blake in the frame for size reference, since he's the biggest (ass)hole on the beach otherwise. Also, every time this giant hole was onscreen (which was oddly pretty often), I kept picturing Leslie Knope falling into that pit in season 1 of Parks & Rec:

And that's it! We're almost at the finish line of this sludge and poo marathon! See you all next week for the finale where honestly none of these people should get engaged but at least one couple will (Dylan & Hannah). Til then, find me Googling "how old is too old to join a k-pop group" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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