Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's post is brought to you by MADI'S FLY ASS GOLD HOOPS:
Seems she hoops on and off the court (oh my god yes, I agree I am hilarious thanks). Also tbh, her makeup is pretty great here, like she has no pores it's insane.

We made it to the finale! And we've moved to Alice Springs, Northern Territory, something we wouldn't know without this totally unnecessary K-Mart graphic:
The producers are so generous to spread the stench of this show across Australia as far and wide as possible.

It's the last four hours Peter has to prove that he's a good guy with a good heart who can make good decisions! Will he do it? Lolllllllllll absolutely not, so here we go!

Hannah Ann meets the parents
We begin the episode with Peter reuniting with his parents and brother and him immediately diving into talking about how much he loves Madi and can't wait for his family to love her too.

With all of this Madi talk, we naturally progress to our first parental meeting with....Hannah Ann.
During this entire introduction, Peter is wrapped around Hannah Ann like a baby koala clinging for its mama, which I found to be a little distracting. Like this woman is trying to make an impression on your parents and you're squeezing her ribcage. And by "make an impression" I mean Hannah says things like how proud she is to "be a part of Peter," to which I'm like when did she donate a kidney to him. This is new information.

She continues her Great American Speeches tour with Peter's mom, which mostly includes her crying. But in her defense, the crying could be a delayed response to getting her brows freshly threaded:
THOSE FRESH BROW EDGES THO. Ultimately, both of Peter's parents love her. His dad asks if there's anything missing with her and Peter says no despite us all knowing there is one thing missing and it's that Hannah Ann is not Madi.

Madi meets the parents
Madi is up next on this crapshoot. Before her and Peter go inside, they have an obligatory bench moment.
Madi shares how hard this experience has been and Peter emphasizes how he wants to do anything to make this work (except not have sex with the two other women). She says that it seems like he keeps putting his needs before her and it's hurtful and instead of recognizing that she is entitled to feel the way she feels, he responds with "WELL YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME YOU LOVE ME." Okay not those exact words, but that's 97% accurate.

Madi, who is now crying, tells him she loves him, adding that she wanted to tell him during their pre-Fantasy Suites date. I think I speak for everyone when I say, HOW IS HER MASCARA NOT SMUDGING? Like girl is crying all out and none of her eye makeup is dripping. I need to know what waterproof eyeliner this is.
Now that Peter has beat the final boss of this video game by tricking Madi into admitting she loves him, he's ready for her to meet his parents.

During Madi's chat with Peter's dad, he points out how different they are in terms of religion as if Madi has asked Peter to join a convent or something. Madi admits that religion is important to her, but that she's totally okay with Peter not being at her level of faith as long as he's open to growing.

Meanwhile, Peter's brother Jack, who has Benjamin Buttoned and looks about 15 years younger than the last time we saw him, is also concerned with their differences.
This fratty convo ensues:
Jack: Bro, y'all haven't had sex, how have you not died
Peter: I really do love Madison, she's worth waiting for
Jack: Wut
Peter: I care about her a lot
Peter: Yeah
Jack: But your whole life is sex, clubbing and line dancing and it seems like she won't fit into that

So checking the scoreboard, Peter's dad thinks Madi is too religious and his brother thinks she isn't trying to find love in this club (Usher baby). So let's bring in Peter's mom Barb to round out this judgement and sentencing of Madison.
Barb tells Madi that Peter, like her, isn't that religious but is "spiritual," which I think just means she likes to collect crystals. Barb adds that she doesn't want anyone to change Peter's club ho' ways because what mom wants her 28-year-old son to grow up and stop paying $25 for vodka sodas?? I can't even imagine!

Time for Barb to eek out that camera time
After Madi leaves, Peter's family collectively hops on this bandwagon called "Madi must be boring because she goes to church." And this is the point when I tell you that every hoe friend group needs a Madi — she's the one who ensures y'all all get back to the apartment and drink water (well not drink water but probably eat Doritos). Your church friend is the one who phones Jesus to ensure you don't end up sleeping under the flagpole in the middle of campus in a Halloween costume (this did not happen to me, stop asking).

Barb, who just 13 seconds ago emphasized she's not religious, then gets in her pulpit and tells Peter that she PRAYED for the right girl for him and God put Hannah Ann in his path. Meanwhile, God's like "Who's Barb?" She also calls Hannah Ann an "angel on earth," which is inherently false because has Hannah Ann even had an email address like "sweet_angel16" or "azn_angel4life" because those are the qualifying factors.

Barb then pulls out her final magic trick of bursting into tears to deliver the line we've heard in previews this entire season, "Bring her home to us."
FYI the "her" she's referring to is Hannah Ann and not a new puppy, which would've been better.

Peter tells her to stop with the dramatics because he is the only one who's allowed to be the dramatic center of attention.

The main takeaway here is — Peter's parents are in love with Hannah Ann while Peter has already filed paperwork to change his last name to Madison's (literally his name to "Peter Madison's" because he has a peanut brain). Also Barb is clearly trying to manipulate Peter into choosing the woman she happens to like most which is a totally healthy thing for a mom to do.

Madi's final date
For his last date with Madison, Peter really pulls out all the stops and sets up something completely new and lololol jk they ride in a fucking helicopter AGAIN. They fly around Uluru, which Professor Peter so eloquently provides facts about.
They then sit under a random tree and Peter pours them cider (because Madi doesn't drink, I guess?) before cheers'ing with "To seeing if our love is as strong as......that rock over there." THAT ROCK. Wow, the intelligence and wit really jump out.

Let's get to the point of this unsharpened pencil. The shit that Barb said to Madi has only amplified her own doubts. She tells Peter they're so different and their lives outside of this nightmare experiment will be difficult because of those differences. She notes that she doesn't want him to change (if he wants to stay in da clurrrrb) and that a part of loving him so much is knowing when to let go. Peter responds by staring at the thing that contributed so much to the demise of his and Madi's relationship.
He obviously doesn't want her to go and pleads with her because he has already gotten "MADI WILL U MERRY ME?" on his back (I imagine Peter is one of those people who confuses "marry" and "merry"). But it's not enough and her mind is made up to leave. But before she does, Peter asks to see if he can get his thumbs AND fingers to touch around her neck:
He can't, meaning he fails the final thing that would've gotten her to stay.

While crying in the car, Madi says "walking away from someone you love is the worst feeling ever," which again not to fact check but I must.
The actual "worst" feeling ever is walking away from a Vegas buffet knowing that you could've fit another plate in the ol' belly. Real ragrets.

Anyway, Madi leaves and Peter is emotionally distraught because I cannot emphasize this enough, he has wanted to propose to her since Week 2. But sure, let's watch him go on a date with his second choice just 12 hours later.

Hannah Ann's final date
Since Peter and Hannah Ann do not actually enjoy speaking to each other, their date includes an activity that features the best cast member this season:
BABY KANGAROOS!!!! I KNOW THEY'RE CALLED JOEYS BUT I LIKE SAYING "BABY KANGAROOS." I AM LIKE CLUB RAT PETER AND WILL NOT CHANGE. They hold and feed these lil' roos and talk about nothing relationship-related because that's not something they need to do the day before they could possibly get engaged.
Want to note that Hannah Ann seems hesitant to hold them at first, possibly because she's worried about rubbing off the INTENSE level of contouring she's sporting on her boobular region:
Like, that's not sweat. She's just wearing THAT MUCH highlighter, you'd think she was the most important notes in a textbook.

Later that night, Peter stops by Hannah's room that is surely a fire hazard because there are approx 34 candles burning behind this couch:
She has already slipped into something a little more comfortable and by that I mean she touched up her boob makeup and put on a bandage dress. Live your life, girl! Looking like she's ready to go to the Grammys while Peter is in sweats looking like a graham cracker.

He tells her he's never questioned their relationship, but it's hard because his heart is being pulled in two directions. This is obviously upsetting to hear since um, the proposal is happening tomorrow so like, he should probably have some level of clarity. They end this unsettling conversation more unsettled than my stomach that time I ate some undercooked shrimp.

With one woman left, I wonder who Peter will propose to!! Will it be Hannah Ann? Or will it be Hannah Ann? DEAR GOD THE ANTICIPATION!!

Well this isn't going to end well
It's the mandated proposal day, so Neil Lane and his airbrushed face stop by for Peter to pick out a ring.
He picks this itty bitty one and I say itty bitty because he's able to hold it with just his stubby fingers. If the diamond doesn't need to be rolled in with a wheelbarrow, I'm not rolling into this marriage, ya heard.

So Peter shows up to the required engagement area and because time is not a real thing in this universe, who knows how many minutes pass before Chris Harrison shows up to tell him Hannah Ann *might* not be coming. Peter then retreats to this random shack where, even though he's surrounded by plush towels and literal pillows, he opts to lay on a balled up extra small jean jacket:
The stupidity of this man's choices is endless.

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann is also napping fully dressed ON TOP OF THE COMFORTER WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING Y'ALL NOT TO DO. I guess this is the reason she's running late and like, who hasn't been late because of a formal nap.
She eventually shows up and as punishment for her tardiness, has to walk like 14 miles in stilettos to the outdoor patio setup this show has forced upon this naturally beautiful place.
After walking a half marathon, Hannah Ann needs a quick power nap. Especially since she's about to  endure Peter speaking in paragraphs.

Now obviously we know that Peter is going to propose to her because well, she is the only one left. It's kind of like on flights when they ask "Chicken or beef?" before realizing they only have chicken left and hoisting it on you. THERE IS NO CHOICE. But our messy bitch Peter needs to drag this moment out and make Hannah doubt if he's proposing to her.
His speech to her, summarized:
"I've cherished every moment with you and I have to follow my heart and anyway Madison left two days ago so whatever, do you wanna get married since she's not here?"

She acts more surprised than someone actually winning a stuffed animal in one of those claw machines and obviously accepts.
What I need to point out is this entire engagement feels weird. During his speech, it's like he tries to make his voice crack and furrows his brow like he's crying, but he's not. And Hannah Ann is surprised, as is evident by the diameter of her mouth, but the way she reacts vocally is like someone gave her an order of fries for free. Like, "Oh, for me? Cool, thanks."

They pop champagne and celebrate what has been one of the worst engagements on this series ever.

Barb, back again
Post-engagement, we're back in LA in some random prop house for Peter to tell his family he got engaged.
Love how dramatically over-the-top they look. But this is big news because they're finding out if Peter will get to continue his super amazing life of going line dancing on the weekends.

Peter, who I hate, really draws this out because he can feel his time in the spotlight is dwindling with this season coming to a close. After delivering a speech only comprised of cliffhangers, he finally admits he's engaged to Hannah Ann. Barb reacts as we expect her to:
Now, I am loud as hell and I enjoy being loud as hell, but screaming and crying like this is something even I know is over the top and only reserved for very very very special occasions. Like surprisingly bumping into a baby wiener dog wearing a sweater and little boots. Only then.

"I AM SHOCKED," said no one
So there's this period of time after filming wraps and before the show's finale airs when the engaged couple has to sort of hide away, so the show rents them a place to stay for their visits. This particular visit begins in a regular way, with them sitting in the most uncomfortable position possible accompanied by a live reactionary shot of Barb:
We learn it has been a month since they last saw each other and it's been pretty rough. Peter thanks her for being strong and for giving so much to their relationship and Hannah tells him that she's willing to fight for them but needs for this to be a 50/50 situation. Peter blabs on before basically saying he's still thinking about Madison (without saying her name). And this is the face of a woman realizing the stuffed animal she won in the claw game is not a stuffed animal, but a live skunk and dear god it has sprayed her.
Hannah Ann tells him he has taken the experience of her first engagement away before walking to the bathroom, something that reveals her pants have a zipper above the butt (and also that there's a photobooth in this Airbnb?):
Peter, upset that we've now gotten a full shot of Hannah's outfit but not his, walks to the bathroom too, revealing that he's wearing something he saw on Instagram but is not even close to pulling off:
Now y'all, this is what we call a hot boy look. Hot boys can wear it. Shawn Mendes can wear it. The Weeknd can wear it. Peter and his marshmallow head cannot wear this.

They then continue their breakup in the bathroom and Hannah tells Peter he should've just let her go while waving that dinky ass engagement ring in his face.
She calls him out for not being honest while calling him "poor, conflicted Peter" (lololol) and he cries that he couldn't have seen this coming (note: he could). She eventually gives the ring back saying she has nothing else to say to him, leading us to believe she's walking out of the house.

But she doesn't because there's still 30 minutes left in this finale so she sort of aimlessly walks around the kitchen until Peter pops up again like a zit before an important event. He says he needs to say something before she interrupts his blubbering to say that he betrayed her. She then gets him to admit he betrayed her before saying now she can move on with her life and seals the declaration with a single tear.
She then stares beyond the camera as if to see if she has permission to leave this hellhole before her and Peter walk out....holding hands? Bizarre. Luckily, it's not the last hand Peter gets:
One last high five for the road (jk she tells him to shoo as he attempts to apologize again though I realize you probably gathered this and did not assume she was trying to high five him).

New hair, who dis
During the live portion of this 18-hour episode, Hannah Ann gets one last chance to shit on Peter and it's fantastic.
She brings up how he even called her parents to say that he wishes he and Hannah had met outside of a reality show (wtf not helpful). He says repeatedly "I swear to God that I was in love with you," to which God is AGAIN like "Who is this?" She calls him out for downplaying how much it affected him that Madison left before the engagement and he attempts to defend himself, saying he figured his pain would subside and he couldn't risk losing Hannah Ann too. Lolllllll boy.

We also learn that Peter reached out to Hannah B. AGAIN for closure after he and Hannah Ann got engaged, which what the actual hell. And here's the thing, is Peter a selfish asshole who should never be allowed happiness? Yes. But is he at least still good looking?
HELL NO. Looking like a clown.

Madi, don't do it
So 60 seconds after Peter and Hannah Ann ended their engagement, Chris Harrison sprinted over to Madison's house to let her know that Peter was back on Tinder and ready for her to swipe. Madison admits she would've done things differently and would like to see him. And since Chris Harrison is a genie, he magically transports her to Peter.
Peter is "surprised" (note: this was def producer planned and he knew) and Madi proceeds to tell him she still has so much love for him. We're then left with this moment that looks like it could be the main photo for a really bad Netflix rom-com to return to the live show.
Madison and Peter admit they're in love with each other, but when Chris asks what's next for them and if they're dating, Peter is super dodgy. He says they both have a lot of healing to do and have to take one step at a time, but that his feelings haven't changed. It's very weird, especially coming from his ho' ass because if they're not "officially" dating in his mind, he's DEF gonna cheat on her.

And we can't talk about Peter and Madison's relationship without including the person who thinks she has the biggest say-so in the matter: Barb. Honestly, one of the producers must be indebted to her, because her rude airtime this episode is entirely too much.
Barb says she liked Hannah Ann the most because of how loving she seemed before adding that the day they met Madison, she made them wait 3 hours (because her and Peter were hashing out their situation on the mandatory bench). And then, Madi who was going through one of the most emotionally draining times of her life with a fun sucking vampire, dared to not apologize to them for taking time to sort out the relationship that is reason for this show (and the reason for their free trip to Australia). This, on top of the fact that Madi truthfully admitted she couldn't accept a proposal in four days, did not sit right with Barb.

But now, since some time has passed, Barb reacts like any mature, loving mom who wants the best for her club going son would — by making faces during all of the segments featuring Madison and saying that she isn't right for Peter. Like Barb, calm down we can see your "I heart Hannah Ann" tattoo, we get it.

With her time atop the float in this Petty Parade coming to an end, she adds: "all of his friends and family agree they won't work." Great, thanks Barb! Super helpful!

When you get the Lord and the Bachelor in the end
Madi listens to Barb dish out her.....barbs (lolol thanks to Eliisa for that one) before calmly saying she won't say anything negative about Peter's family. And that this was just as much her journey as it was Peter's and just as he got to choose her, she also got to choose him.

And Peter emphasizes that his family has to accept they love each other. And with that, this horrendous season with one of the worst Bachelors comes to a wildly abrupt and confusing close.

They really Game of Thrones'd this Bachelor finale. Disappointing overall and anger inducing for how stupid everything concluded. But do I regret watching? YES, ALWAYS. I ALWAYS REGRET THIS. And because of this consistent feeling of regret, I have decided to only watch every single season for the next 200 years. Thank you for your support and understanding.

Congrats y'all, for making it through another season! Plaques are in the mail. See you all soon for something....either the incredibly lame version of The Bachelor that includes country music singers or maybe for some sort of "Love is Blind" review. Til then, find me screaming and crying over baby wiener dogs and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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