Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 10 + Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Chris Harrison, who has visibly aged approx 15 years during the course of this painful season.
Chris is tired, y'all. But we made it to the last Rose Ceremony, pre-proposal! And also the Jerry Springer segment the producers like to call the "Women Tell All!"

A Rose Ceremony that surprises no one
Because Peter wasn't allowed to just propose to Madison weeks ago, we get to witness him emotionally struggle with this last Rose Ceremony. While Hannah Ann and Victoria are standing in their assigned spots on this platform that is literally in nature yet the producers have felt the need to decorate with potted and fake plants, Madison is no where to be found.
They both appear to be freezing in the wind while Peter and his scar that he never puts Neosporin or any type of ointment on, is like, "Whurr Madison?"
He cries to Chris Harrison that maybe he shouldn't have been wildin' out this week because how could he have known Madison would leave? Besides the fact that she specifically said she would leave if he wilded out. So while the other two women are enduring 50 mph winds waiting for his wack ass, Peter stares off into the parking lot, waiting for Madison's Uber to arrive.

She eventually arrives in dramatic form and takes her assigned spot for them to begin the world's worst game of Red Rover ever:
Peter is then like "red rover, red rover, send Hannah right over" and gives the first rose to Hannah Ann.
I have yet to understand what Hannah Ann's personality is? Because it's been 10 weeks and we still know literally nothing about her aside from the fact that she's a model?

We then queue the dramatic music because will this ding dong give the last rose to Victoria, who is terrible at speaking, problematic, never makes eye contact, has probably called you a bitch behind your back, but has told Peter she loves him? Or will he pick Madison, who walked away from him during their last date and made it clear they have different priorities (hers: the Lord, his: the Sex). He takes a moment to eat a jawbreaker to mull it over:
Dear God that scar really does look Frankenstein'ish. In a turn of events shocking to no one, he picks Madison. Who pauses both when he says her name and after he asks if she'll accept the rose.
I haven't been fortunate enough to see someone reject a rose before and hoped it would happen this time, but alas. Choosing Madison was not surprising because Victoria has now admitted she's in love with him and that bores Peter who enjoys chasing women who do not want him and are too good for him.

Before she can leave, per the bench time requirement in her contract, Victoria has to endure one last conversation with Peter on this random ass bench placed as if benches just sprout up in nature like this.
He tries to explain himself, as if anything he says will comfort this woman who has been made to look like a clown on national television. She tells him she doesn't want to hear it and:
Peter walks her to the parking lot and with that, Victoria leaves. And she doesn't even get to take home any of the potted plants or discount items from Wayfair as a consolation prize!

With that, we have our final two who look equally happy to be here!

The women who will be telling the all
For the first 30 minutes, the "telling" mostly consists of everyone talking at the same time and collectively getting louder to speak over each other. I love to see such loving bonds between women being displayed on TV! Heart warming.

Want to point out that the two women who would've made this entire episode worthwhile, Natasha and Kelley, are not in attendance. Apparently Natasha couldn't make it and Kelley.....wasn't invited. The producers outright did not invite her, probably because she refused to play by their rules while she served her time in this prison of a show. (For fun, she also liked a bunch of tweets saying she doesn't like Peter, to which I say lolllllllllllll)

Back to these women reliving moments that happened three months ago. In reaction to the Madison drama, we get to hear from two life experts, Sydney and Lexi.
Lexi, who we mostly remember for being the lone ginger and that's it, says that Madi should've known what to expect with Fantasy Suites. And this is when I point out that......sex is not mandatory. Like, this show cannot force you to have sex because I mean, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that's frowned upon and also illegal. On the flip side, Sydney and her new highlights speak up for Madison, saying she's glad she stood her ground and didn't waver on her beliefs. I'm positive Madison does not care what either of them thinks.

Time to revisit the Alayah ordeal
As everyone's muscle memory kicks in, they remember to pile on Alayah about how "for the cameras" she is and how her voice goes up several octaves. Alayah is finally like "For those of you who have seen me outside of the show, am I not just as loud and obnoxious?" The group collectively agrees she is, proving that sometimes you have to burn yourself to get out of the fire (OH MY GOD I AM TRULY POETIC).

Interjection to point out this candle wearing a little candle hat
Calm down, I know that giant candleholder isn't wearing that smaller candle as a tiny hat, but I also wouldn't put something as tacky as that past these producers. Plus, they gotta meet that candles-in-frame minimum! Anyway, we'll never know for sure.

Tammy here to remind us she enjoys being rude
As if experiencing Tammy's wrath once wasn't enough, we get to relive her confrontations with Kelsey yet again. During this re-hashbrowning of events (and actually throughout most of the show) Tammy makes these faces:
I mean, this is her last shot to show producers she is Bachelor in Paradise villain material! So she's gotta show them she has the range.

As Tammy yet again says she didn't call Kelsey an alcoholic even though she is on camera calling Kelsey an alcoholic, Kelsey brings up how she also called her a pill popper, and with that, Victoria P. is brought into the fold:
Even though Victoria P. thought she Men in Black swiped everyone's memory of her being the one who called Kelsey a pill popper, she again avoids admitting she was the one who put the shit in the pot that Tammy stirred. Instead, she diverts attention away from the main point, saying that medications are something she takes seriously because she's "in the medical field." At this point, the ENTIRE group screams "YOU'RE A DERMATOLOGIST," and our attention returns to a final round of Kelsey defending emotions and Tammy defending Tammy. Glad to see we've all grown in no way from this.

This will be Kelsey's thing forever now
After talking through the Tammy drama and her relationship with Peter, Kelsey receives a surprise visitor with a special gift for her:
That's right, Ashley I., who Kelsey de-throned as in-house crier, brings her a giant bottle of champagne. Also sorry that Ashley appears sort of cross-eyed here, but I cannot watch this episode again just to take a new screenshot. Ashley says people should be proud to be emotional and Kelsey cradles the giant bottle and I rethink why I'm watching this.

In which we get to hear Victoria F. speak for the first time
As the most recent woman booted from the island, Victoria gets to relive her entire relationship with Peter in a lovely montage of clips because that is what every woman wants to do after being dumped. But hey, at least she's got what appear to be new mink lashes.
After forcing Victoria to re-watch this horrendous experience, Chris Harrison chats with her a bit and we learn something new: Victoria can in fact form full sentences. She goes on to form more sentences during this 4-minute interview than she did over the course of 9 weeks on this show. I mean, full-on, with subjects, predicates and nouns and verbs, it's unheard of. She admits she was guarded on the show because she couldn't believe she could land someone so "good" and she had no idea Peter cared for her so much.

Later, she apologizes to him face to face for putting up with so much. Speaking of face to face....

In what world is this America's favorite pilot
Since the word "drama" has been said 3 times, Peter appears because that is the surefire way to summon him.
Chris Harrison introduces him as "America's favorite pilot," to which the Wright brothers, Amelia Earhart, Captain Sully and Launchpad McQuack (DuckTales what uppp) collectively said, "Wtf?"

Peter talks about his experience and how tough it has been, but that his favorite part was having so many girlfriends at once. I hate this man.

The episode also features a segment with former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay, addressing the intensely disgusting hate and threats everyone on the show receives. It was good of them to surface, because it is terrible, and also because there is clearly already enough bullying and hate happening within the show itself.

And that's it! I cannot tell you how happy I am that this nightmare of a season is coming to a close. See you next week for the 50-hour finale! Til then, find me protesting about not being named the next Bachelorette YET AGAIN and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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