Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

Welcome to week 3! Aka three weeks longer than what we wanted for Clare's season! I will never forgive her for taking these precious weeks from Tayshia, so anyway let's get through this.

"The oldest Bachelorette that's ever been"

Last week, we were left with Clare making out with Dale, all of the other guys looking like chumps and Yosef needing to get something off his chest. We start this week off with him finally getting time to confront Clare in his ill fitting suit jacket.

He tells her that she keeps emphasizing they should all be here for her, but she should also be here for them. And in her defense she is here for them — oh wait no she's here for another four-letter word: Dale. He adds that he's spending time here away from his daughter and Clare butts in to say she gets it because her mom is dying and it's like WHY THE HELL ARE EITHER OF YOU HERE?? 

Anyway, Yosef then reads his 10 Things I Hate About You list to Clare, except it does not end with Heath Ledger buying Julia Stiles a guitar. He tells her it was "completely unacceptable" and "classless" to have the guys participate in strip dodgeball because how does that translate into finding a husband. Which, as a linguist, I will tell you that having men strip for you translates very well into measuring husband material. Meanwhile, Clare personifies the :\ emoji for Yosef's entire spiel:

He adds that he is ashamed to be associated with her and she does not set any sort of example for his daughter (but he def does for berating a woman on TV for 15 minutes). And with that, he gets up to leave and they dramatically part ways while Clare is crying and Yosef continues to yell insults including "I expected a lot more from the oldest bachelorette that's ever been." This is EXTREMELY rude, but you have to admit it's a *tiny* bit funny, depicting Clare like some crypt keeper who holds the world record for being single.

Clare, not wanting us to forget her one-hit wonder line from Juan Pablo's season, yells back "I didn't think I would have to utter this again (even though I have been hoping I be presented the opportunity to), but I would never want my children to have a father like you." And he yells that she isn't fit to be the mother of his child and anyway I think we can all agree that no one here should be parenting any children, okay.

As Yosef is stomping away to his Uber Pool (cost cutting, you know), the guys are trying to calm the situation down by standing around and taking turns saying "Yo, bro, bro bro, calm down" and also "Bro, I'm so heated, bro." Shockingly, standing around like parakeets that have only been taught the word "bro" does not help Clare feel any better.


She owns the fact that she's the oldest Bachelorette, but adds that she's single because she "didn't settle for men like that." And again, not to be the annoying fact checker, but isn't she on this show because she has continually TRIED to settle with shitty guys just like that?

Luckily, one of the producers forces Dale to go over and comfort Clare and he does so by seeing if he can pull off her hair like a wig:

She asks if he's just appeasing her (like Yosef said) and he says he's not, but he does want to "please her" and can someone please bring me Ginger Ale because I've been vomiting for hours over this. 

After the dramatics, Clare cancels the rest of the cocktail party and just skips to the Rose Ceremony, which tbh she should just skip all Rose Ceremonies and get to the engagement with Dale because she shares that she's already falling in love with him, so this is all great for these other guys.

We get through another moo point (like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter, it's moo) Rose Ceremony and something I love is the different ways the guys respond to "Will you accept this rose?" Some of them say "always" or "every time" or "of course," which is all incredibly boring. Wouldn't it be more fun to say something like "You knows I accept this rose" (rhyming is my passion).

Who is this man

I know this season is a grab bag of brunette men, but I have never seen this man in the past two episodes. Was he a late arrival or something? He gets a rose this week so he's on camera for 15 seconds, which as a note, also qualifies him to add "Bachelorette Season 16 🌹" to his Instagram bio. 

The Dale date that is presented as the "group" date

The date card for this week's first group date is read by Ed, who I finally realized looks like those thumb characters from the Spy Kids movie:

The card's clue for the date is "Today we separate the men from the boys," so I guess it makes sense for Ed to read it since there is literally no line of separation from his head to his shoulders.

While the guys are getting ready for their group date with Clare, she is in her villa writing "Mrs. Dale Moss" all over her Trapper Keeper:

At some point, her "friend" Deanna (from season 4 of The Bachelor) "surprises" her and since we are unsure who Clare likes the most at this point, she spends the entire afternoon telling Deanna how much she loves Dale and knows it's him.

Meanwhile, the guys are sitting around like "I think this is the group date with her favorite guys" and they're not completely wrong, it is the group date with her favorite....guy.

While they're all talking about how excited they are to see Clare and how much they think she's excited to see them, Clare is LITERALLY smelling a pair of Dale's pants that he gifted her (they're the ripped ones from last week):

I mean, we'll never know why she's been single up to this point. 

After making the guys wait all day because she's been huffing Dale's ripped pants, she shows up to tell the guys she's actually cancelling the day portion of the date and they'll just meet up for the date's cocktail party.

You gotta love how she is constantly demanding respect from these guys while blatantly disrespecting their feelings at every turn.

At the cocktail party later, our hypothesis that the producers are spending zero dollars on these dates is proven correct by the glaring omission of coot, YET AGAIN:

LOL they aren't even throwing cheese rind at this 3-9.

Dale opens the date with an unnecessary speech then makes them all come together for a group hug before saying that he's going to steal Clare away first to talk for "five minutes." They then "happen" to stroll back to her villa for some wildly uncomfortable hugging where Clare looks like she's trying to get Dale in a chokehold while simultaneously trying to knee him in the balls (sorry to bring up balls again). Wow chemistry.

While they are both getting their OUTDOOR SHOES on the bed (why), Dale's "five minute" talk turns into 45 minutes. Which oh yeah did you guys remember this is a group date. Here are the other guys waiting while wearing outfits from the same Vineyard Vines sale:

Eazy finally decides this is ridiculous and finds Clare (and Dale). When he knocks on Clare's door, she and Dale react as if they're two 16-year-olds who just got caught by their parents making out on the living room couch. There is more awkward giggling than when "penis" is said in a middle school health class. Dale leaves and Clare proceeds to talk to Eazy for approx 25 seconds before hugging him goodbye. After he leaves, we get this super lovely clip of thoughtful and caring Clare talking to a producer:

While Clare, who has been adamant about mandating the guys' attention, is speed dating through the rest of the guys while paying little to no attention, Dale interrupts Jay's time with Clare. This upsets Jay more than his eyebrows upset me:

Dale and Clare get back to making out because how dare these other guys who are on this dating show where they all get to date Clare, attempt to talk to Clare. 

Chasen eventually interrupts the wall make-out session and Dale returns to the group smiling like...honestly, I cannot even make fun of him because he looks like an ad advertising the world's hottest people in every shot.

The guys are all like "You were with Clare again, after being with her for 45 minutes??" And Dale tries to deflect, saying he went to the bathroom then "happened" to stumble into Clare's room, thinking no one was in the room (not even Clare, who is the occupant of said room). He sticks to this story of being like "omg I had no idea anyone would even be with Clare, who is the focal point of this date that we are all on."

Based on the fact that Clare spent 98% of this date with Dale and 2% talking to the producers about wanting to rush through the other guys, no one is surprised that Dale gets the group date rose.

The non-Dale one-on-one date that Clare wishes Dale was on 

Because she is contractually obligated to do so, Clare invites Zach J. and his flesh-colored eyebrows on this week's one-on-one, aka time in which Clare feels tortured for having to be away from Dale. As a reminder, this is Zach:

When Clare shows up to the guys' rooms to pick up Zach for the date, she says she's present and here to get to know Zach better but then trips over her raging lady boner for Dale, because she is so smitten by him trying out something new with his look, never seen before in history: Wearing a hat.

For their date, Clare and Zach spend the day at the spa and it is spa'ctacularly boring. We get lots of unforgivable shots of Zach's feet as they both get pedicures before Clare rubs chunks of avocado on his face then looks disgusted at having to touch a man that is not Dale.

Clare treats this entire date with about as much excitement as someone getting a root canal, but instead of outright saying her head isn't in it because her head is up Dale's ass, she instead decides to gaslight us (and Zach). Yay! She says this date feels off, not because her lower back "I HEART DALE" tattoo is showing, but because Zach, who has "always had excited energy" now has energy that has "turned to nervousness."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a meeting of the minds is happening.

Ew you cannot convince me that the guys' pool is not just full of tiny chest hairs THANKS I HATE IT. So a few of the guys are having a Gossip Girl sesh, talking about how they heard Dale and Clare were in contact before the show. Which, how did it take these unseasoned potatoes that long to realize that. They were OBVIOUSLY in contact before the show. Clare already has Dale saved in her phone as ~~*mY mAn <3 *~~. I think it's safe to assume she uses AIM design elements and stupid random capitalization in her phone. 

Back on the date, all of Clare's interviews are about how much she misses Dale and wishes Dale was here. Great for Zach! They spend some time in the pool outside her villa and her dog eventually joins them because this woman does not want to be here with this man. After reaching her limit of non-Dale time, Clare tells Zach they should head back to their rooms to get ready for dinner later. As she's leaving, she leans in to kiss him but pulls away, saying that HE is pulling away from her (the gaslighting, I have to laugh). 

He responds by saying he wasn't pulling away and GRABS HER NECK. He does this again when they're out of the pool and it's like dude sorry, she does not want to kiss you and squeezing her neck like toothpaste is not going to be a refreshing experience for you.

So overall this has been a terrible experience for Clare, Zach, Clare's dog and most importantly, me. After getting changed for dinner, Zach shows up ready to start anew.

Still cackling that the show is throwing no money at food for Clare's season. There is something brown on one of the plates but I am POSITIVE it's just a bunch of wine corks taped together. After waiting for a bit, Chris Harrison finally shows up with this no-lips expression, which is always a good sign.

He tells Zach that Clare isn't coming and basically acts like the friend you'd send to your "boyfriend" when you were in 8th grade to tell him you don't want to "go out" anymore. Always gotta have a middle man/deliverer of bad news. Anyway, this means Zach isn't getting a rose and has to leave and can now focus all of his efforts into growing eyebrows.

The non-Dale group date that Dale is still the focus of

Again, because Clare is mandated to do so, she invites the leftovers on the second group date that features special guest, Margaret Cho.

You can just sense the disappointment in Margaret's face because she was expecting to be meeting Tayshia.

The guys learn they're going to have to write their own jokes and then roast each other. This sounds like a great idea since most of these men are about as funny as boiled eggs. Before the roast kicks off, their "audience" joins them and its's *surprise* the rest of the guys, namely Dale (it is IMPOSSIBLE to take a bad screenshot of this man).

Honestly, it's a good thing Dale showed up because otherwise these men would have no one to roast because again, none of them actually have a sense of humor. But they do have aggressive feelings toward Dale for being the guy Clare is obsessed with, so they all roast him for the most part. Bland Bennett, who I assume has plenty of experience talking down to people, really goes in on Dale, at one point saying "he looks like the boa constrictor from The Jungle Book and soon Clare will snap out of his spell." Pretty sure to this day, he is still high-fiving all the bros in the locker room about this one. 

The roast upsets Clare because the guys, who are here for her season of a show based on a woman dating ALL of the men, are making fun of her boyfriend. So after it ends, she beelines it to Dale like he's some wounded bird.

Now luckily, the guys still have the evening portion of the date to look forward to that does not include Dale, right? lollllllll wrong.

During Clare's time with Bennett, she asks how he thinks the roast went and I mean, he has already printed out a certificate of achievement and had it framed so. This is how their conversation goes:

Bennett: Yeah, I lit Dale up
Clare: One of your jokes alluded to Dale being the front runner, where'd you get that idea
Bennett: Dale said it and also you're wearing a button that says "Dale is #1"
Clare: OMG what, Dale talks about me? OMG, go on what else does he say about me
Bennett: .......can we not talk about Dale
Clare: But like, do you think he LIKE LIKES me or just LIKES me??

This exact conversation is repeated with every guy, with Clare essentially asking the guys what Dale says about her and it's all very middle school when like girl, just get on AIM and ask him yourself.

When it comes time to give out the group date rose, Clare realizes that Dale isn't here and already has one anyway, so she tells the guys she "did not get" what she needed this evening (which was Dale) so she won't be able to give out a rose.

And all of the Legos in these dudes brains finally snap together and they collectively realize that Clare, who only talks about Dale and prioritizes time with Dale, might in fact like Dale the most.

She walks away from the group with a producer and because her organs rely on talking about Dale every 25 seconds to function, she then starts talking about him with this producer, who probably asked to be blurred out to avoid association with this entire fiasco.

She gripes that the guys "dished on my fiancee, how dare they make fun of Dale!" And it's like, dear God WHERE is Tayshia and when will she save this season.

The best part of this week's episode

To be clear, Ivan is the best part of every episode and these are quite literally the only moments we got of him this week. I'm hoping him and Tayshia will hit it off when she takes over this garbage season because if I can't date him, I hope my close personal friend Tayshia can.

And that's it! We finally got our first glimpse of Tayshia in the preview for next week and we as a nation are praying she shows up then.

See you all for that (I hope)! Til then, find me picking out all of the Mr. Goodbar's from those giant mixed bags of candy to eat and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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