Monday, November 9, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

For reasons unknown to me, I watched yet another week of Clare that I wasn't even sure was a new episode because it was again the same recycled content about Clare and Dale. Anyway, let's dive in because our perseverance FINALLY paid off at the end of this week's episode.

"I'm so falling in love with Dale"

We first join Clare this week as she stares off into the distance while probably sketching a mildly pornographic drawing of Dale because she misses him.

She says she's falling in love with Dale and they have an "intangible" chemistry (read: those abs tho) and omg this record is skipping and has been playing the same thing over and over.

Chris Harrison eventually "surprises" her (wtf this is his job and there is literally no one else at this resort, but sure surprises) and it's great to see that he sits down like most of us do by pulling the top of his pants over the stomach fat that gathers.

Chris tells Clare that they can't continue on the same path because her raging lady boner for Dale is blocking almost every camera shot. He also tells her this is making the guys very unhappy. He asks her what the deal is and what she's thinking and she realizes it's been 14 seconds since she pictured Dale, so she closes her eyes to do so:

She tells him that this is all SO hard because on one hand she loves Dale, but on the other she loves attention. But back to Dale, she says she stalked, I mean "looked at" his Instagram before they met on the show and felt connected to him even then. We all know she liked a post from 114 weeks back. This leads to this conversation with Chris:

Clare: So yeah I was obsessed with his IG
Chris: Did you guys talk before meeting on the show and don't bullshit me
Clare: [hands Chris bag of bullshit] Omg no of course not, no no no 100% yes no no
Chris: Wait what
Clare: What

She says she's waited so long (39 years remember, her Social Security is about to kick in) for someone like Dale and she thinks he's her match, which tbh if he's a match he should be careful because her loins are already burning.  

Chris asks her what she wants to do and she says she just wants to spend time with Dale, aka the exact opposite of the premise of this show and what she's already been doing, but anyway Chris is like sure and goes to tell Dale.

Do you think Dale even has to iron his shirts or do you think he can just put on a wrinkly shirt and his muscles smooth it out because I def think it's the latter. 

When you're like, who is this woman

We got several shots of Clare crying into and squeezing her dog this week while it actively tried to escape her clutches. And while he's white, even he thinks her caucasity is too much and does not want to be a part of this narrative. 

The final date (thank God)

So Clare wants one final date with Dale so she can tell him she's in love with him and find out if he like likes her too. Including two very accurate screenshots of them on the date that I AGAIN do not purposely take, they just happen this way.

They sit at a randomly placed table in "the most beautiful spot" she claims to have "found," which I'm sure the staff of the La Quinta you're at would beg to differ. Also this "spot" is just like any tan tiled area in a resort, yes you're picturing it correctly.

They both share a little more about their parents because these two people have not had an actual, non-tongue related conversation this entire time and I don't know, talking seems important? What do I know. This conversation ensues:

Clare: I couldn't give out a rose during the last group date because I was only thinking of you and I'm falling in love with you
Dale: Cool, same
Clare: Thank God, I've been waiting forever for this feeling even though I've had this exact feeling literally two times on this show before

They then make out and we learn their mics must be inside their actual mouths based on the unnecessary and unwanted ASMR aspect of their kissing.

But wait! More people need to see them making out! So they head over to hear Chris and Bri (from that random musical Bachelor season that me and 2 other people watched) perform so they can also watch them make out.

Please note how they are both not making any eye contact with Clare and Dale. Wise.

They then head back to her villa because Clare has been dying to give Dale a Fantasy Suites card since night one (again, I do not blame her for this). The next morning we first get a shot of her dogs as if her having dogs will make us like her more (it doesn't).

While the dogs are relegated to the couch, Dale is waking up to Clare trying to choke him.

This scene was particularly annoying because she was draped over him, therefore blocking our view of his body'ody.

Clare says Dale is the "kind of man you get when you refuse to settle," which I think she forgot a couple of words in there and meant to say: "He's the kind of man you get after choosing to be on 400 different seasons of a dating show, getting engaged then dumping a guy then begging to be the Bachelorette therefore stealing a full season way from Tayshia." Much clearer.

The main takeaway of this date was it was the final test for Dale and had he turned down Clare, her ass MOST CERTAINLY would've settled for one of the other guys. 100000000%.

When you realize you quarantined at a La Quinta for this

You know things are especially stressful when Blake is touching is weird chin beard. 

Now that Dale has finally dropped a note in Clare's locker letting her know he like likes her, she's ready to break up with all of her other boyfriends. Clare, who has led these men on for four weeks despite knowing she only wanted Dale, proceeds to tell them she doesn't want to lead them on. It was cut out, but she def began her breakup speech with "Abraham Lincoln once said, it's okay to mislead a group of guys if you get Dale in the end. And I believe that famous quote." 

Boy Band Manager Guy (the one in the aggressive v-neck shirt on the far right pic above) calls her out and here's how that conversation goes:

Boy Band: I think you owe us an apology....
Boy Band: No, for leading us on and not telling us you were in love with Dale after night one
Clare: Oh, lol yeah that um I mean I'll apologize for wasting your time and hurting you
Boy Band: Okay, so do it
Clare: Anyway, Dale is great, hope y'all find a Dale! Now can y'all scoot, I'm trying to get engaged

So yes, Clare handles this group breakup with about as much grace as a baby deer playing basketball on a frozen lake, but Ivan wraps up the awkward conversation by thanking her for her courage and her boldness. And y'all know I love bb Ivan, but the only thing "bold" about Clare is her use of it in Microsoft Word.

Quick interjection

Just a completely regular photo collage of Ivan because I've got something he can interject (LOL I'M SORRY OKAY). Also yes, I do enjoy how his cup matches his outfit, a man who can do it all!

The only way to leave this place is to propose

Since Clare and Dale finally know each other's last names and have made out in front of a musical act, the natural progression is to get engaged. Chris Harrison tells Clare this is the next step and Clare is like:


I'm gonna skip to the point here because I very much want to get this over with, so blah blah Dale gets a ring, we get a scene of Clare being worried she's pressuring him into an engagement (FYI she is) and then they both show up in front of this giant pizza oven for the proposal.

Clare tells Dale that she's been obsessed with him since the first day she stalked his Instagram and she's never experienced love (except from the man she was engaged to literally last year). Dale says he loves her and "the best is yet to come" because this def cannot be the best, right. And then:

I was fully expecting Dale to open the ring box and it be empty because Clare was already wearing it after stealing it from his room the night before (during her nightly jaunt to watch him sleep). She obviously says yes, then we get more terrible ASMR kissing and champagne, which is like the flag raising in Super Mario, signaling you've beat the level. Here's an equally lovely screenshot of both of them:

At one point Clare says "we saw this coming," which is the most truthful thing she's said this entire season since they were DEFINITELY talking to each other before the show started.

Also not that this needs to be noted, but going from saying "I love you" for the first time to getting engaged in the span of an hour is beyond ridiculous. The only woman we support in progressing relationships this unnecessarily fast is Britney Spears. 

But now, with this horrendous time with Clare ending, you know what that means.....


But first, Chris Harrison tells the remaining 16 men that they can choose to stay on the show if they want to start this journey again with a new Bachelorette (they aren't told it's Tayshia). 


Jason, aka Seth Rogan voice, is feeling very conflicted because he isn't sure if he's ready to move on from the hour of time he spent with Clare. He eventually decides to stay (as do all of the guys) and they all show up for a cocktail party to meet who should have been the Bachelorette to begin with:

Tayshia tells Chris she's nervous because she knows this is a weird situation and hopes the guys like her, which I spoke to Tayshia's reflection and she told me to tell Tayshia to look at her because the flaws, they do not exist.

I want to note that while Tayshia, who is objectively a 10, is talking about how much she hopes the guys like her, this 2 is like "what if I'm not physically attracted to whoever this new woman is?"

The audacity of overwhelmingly mediocre white men is astounding.

AND WITH THAT, WE MADE IT, YOU GUYS. WE SURVIVED FOUR EPISODES OF CLARE. I am so, so proud of all of you. And even though this week's episode only gave us 5 minutes of Tayshia and the previews seem to show we'll have to revisit Dale and Clare (why), we're on our way to 100% Tayshia Time!

See you all next week for that. Til then, find me stalking Ivan's Instagram (because per Clare, this works) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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