Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

After five weeks of this Clare fly buzzing around us, we finally shoo'd her away! And this week, it's actually our first full Tayshia episode. 


As a reminder, we've already had one group date (where Eazy got the rose) and one solo date (where Brendan got a rose). So we've got one more group date before Tayshia can start editing some of these men out.

The "Grown Ass Man Challenge"

For the second group date, Tayshia brings in her "friends" (lol okay) Jared and Ashley. You probably remember Jared for being hot and Ashley for crying until Jared married her. Anyway they've been married for a year, which in Bachelor world translates to 25 years, meaning they are experts in marriage, so they're here to help.

Tayshia wants a "grown ass man" and since this show takes things very literally, they decide the only way to test for that is to host a "Grown Ass Man Challenge" that takes place in one of the resort's dull ballrooms (I'd recognize those neutral carpets anywhere). This challenge will include tests of the guys smarts, physical strength and cooking skills, which sorry but if we're trying to find grown ass men, I'd want them to show me their 401K, their tax returns, that they know how to change a tire and can name at least 3 Danity Kane songs THESE ARE THE TRUE TESTS OF GROWN MEN.

First, Tayshia is "looking for someone who is smart," so the guys are put through what can only be described as an episode of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" (FYI none of these men are). And look, you know I love Tayshia, but claiming you're coming on this show to find someone smart is like going to an apple orchard because you're looking for pineapples. Not gonna find any of that here.

Head of the Caucasian Association, Bennett, thinks he has the advantage because he went to Harvard (and because his name is Bennett). Which I mean, the smarts, they really do jump out at you:

Throughout this challenge, the guys are asked simple math and spelling questions, eventually leading to the real Mensa test at the end — to spell "limousine."

I can't decide which is more funny, pretentious ass Bennett forgetting the 'u' or Ed behind him spelling limousine like linguine. 

Next, we move onto the physical stuff because it's clear most of these men asked me how to spell orange once. The guys are paired up and attached by one of those kid leashes before seeing who can pull the other while reaching for a bouquet of flowers (ah yes, a standard and normal thing I need my man to be able to do).

This is our bb Ivan getting ready to beat Thumb Head Ed, rather Thumb Hed. Mostly sharing this screenshot for you to see how pitiful this entire setup is. But there really is nothing you can do to fancify these moving walls and carpets haunted by decades of PowerPoint slides.

Bennett, who claims he lost the spelling and math portion because of the way the questions were asked, says he can't participate because he has a note from his father excusing him from it (and bc of old football injuries, lollll sure Jan).

The final pointless event has the guys make breakfast in bed for Tayshia. And by "make" I mean choose from a spread of lukewarm foods to throw onto a plate for her. Chasen ultimately decides against offering food, thinking he is more appealing than pancakes or bacon:

This man isn't better than a frozen Toaster Strudel, let alone pancakes and bacon. And wearing an apron but showing up with no food is FALSE ADVERTISING. 

At the end of what has been one of the corniest things for this show to hoist upon Tayshia, Ed is named the day's "man child" and forced to carry around a baby doll.

We learn this man has never held a baby before in his life and thinks they are best held like footballs. And finally, Bennett is crowned the day's winner even though he failed the first event, skipped out on the second, and wore a robe in the third. Vastly under-qualified, yet rewarded, the motto of all Bennetts.

Because he needs to be even more annoying, Bennett then brings the framed certificate to the evening portion of the date for "everyone to share" and also shows up in a robe. A "clever" move I'm sure he waved fingers guns at himself in the mirror for choosing to do.

Chasen, who has probably eaten Tide pods thinking they were candy, thinks this is stupid and anyway yes this is foreshadowing for the future idiotic drama that's about to happen.

After Chasen steals Tayshia away first for an extremely underwhelming conversation, the rest of the guys get out the toilet paper for some major shit talking about him. Ed and Bennett both talk about how fake he is and how it seems like he's acting whenever he's around Tayshia. Which, they're really giving Chasen a lot of credit thinking he has the brain power to do something like put on a front when he probably tries to put on pants both legs at once.

Next up is Ben, who we learn is already piquing Tayshia's interest:


She asks why he's still single and he admits that after his last serious relationship ended, it wrecked him and it's taken him a while to recover. Luckily, Tayshia is a doctor and she knows how to speed along this recovery process:

My breaking news for you is that I like Ben? I mean, you'll later see more of why I like him (spoiler alert, it's his body, you know this is who I am). Purely based on how much Tayshia likes him already, I definitely think he'll be in at least the final 5 guys.

Speaking of final guys, during Ivan's time with Tayshia, we learn they have even more in common besides being unbelievably good looking. Ivan talks about how he wants to do more with his life and give back and let's just say I know who he can give something to (it's me, FYI, was that not clear). Tayshia shares the same sentiments and blah blah these are the two people we most want to see kiss so Ivan says he has a surprise for her and blindfolds her. He then feeds her strawberries and also this: 

Tayshia seems to like him a lot and calls him "a dark horse," which I'm going to spare you all of the inappropriate jokes I would like to make here involving "riding" and other verbs I could string together in a sentence about me and Ivan.

While Ivan is winning over Tayshia, we're all losing by having to watch this Chasen and Ed drama play out. Ed and Bennett confront Chasen and tell him they all think he's fake, which sets off Chasen's roid rage and leads them to exchange elementary school barbs. During his interview, Chasen says Thumb Head and Jeeves are like Batman and Robin while he's more like Superman. He then corrects himself to say he is actually Wolverine because "that's my nickname" and does this:

If I had to live through that, you have to live through me retelling it because we live in this trash can together. Anyway, after Ben and Ivan, Tayshia breezes through the rest of these losers. In a move that has proven to be 100% ineffective in winning over the Bachelorette, Ed dedicates his time to talking about another guy — Chasen. 

He tells Tayshia that Chasen isn't genuine, just wants to build an Instagram following and is using a lot of the same language with her that he used with Clare. Again, I have to fact check here that Chasen uses the same language because the man knows 25 words, MAX. So he's really utilizing his entire arsenal. But anyway, this news along with seeing Ed's lack of neck up close and personal proves to be very alarming to Tayshia.

She wants to set the record straight with Wolverine and asks to chat again. She tells Chasen what Ed said and asks if it's true that he's only here to gain a social media following. Chasen denies it all, saying "I'm staring you dead in the eyes when I look at you," which oh no baby you copy/pasted the same thing twice. They end their conversation and Tayshia still seems a little unsure.

The night ends how the show should end, with Tayshia giving the group date rose to Ivan.

Now you didn't think I'd just mention Ivan once right....

Because where else would I share this week's Ivan collage

I want to take this chance to apologize for not saying something earlier. Ivan is from Dallas and there's nothing I'd like more than to see dal-ASS, if ya know what I mean. I can't believe I didn't make that joke earlier, I sincerely apologize.

Tayshia's first Rose Ceremony

With Eazy, Brendan and Ivan all with roses already, the rest of the guys scramble to cement their status with Tayshia during the cocktail party. 

Most of the evening focuses on dragging this Chasen and Ed drama out. Chasen begins the night by saying he doesn't want any drama, but then shows that at the top of his Amazon Wish List is "drama." Ed reiterates that he thinks Chasen is a fraud, so yes we are doing this all again, great. Chasen also wants everyone to know that he has learned a new word to describe Tayshia and "his" new word is: 


We have to hear Chasen use this word in every other sentence like a baby who just heard "shit" for the first time and is repeating it nonstop. It's sort of funny though, because he looks so impressed with himself every time he uses this two-syllable word.

Later when Ed chats with Tayshia, he's like "TEACHER, TEACHER, CHASEN WAS MEAN TO ME!" telling Tayshia that Chasen was super aggressive during their group date and sort of stood over him angrily when he told him how fake he thought he was. 

Tayshia then has to board this train BACK to stupid town to rehash this drama with Chasen and I'll just let her face speak for all of us.

This conversation ensues:

Tayshia: How do you have such roid rage, yet have no muscles, it's concerning
Chasen: What are you talking about, this shirt is a large
Tayshia: I was interested in getting to know you, but this is all stupid
Chasen: I don't know why Ed keeps coming after me when all I'm saying is "Ed, come after me"
Tayshia: This is petty and I hate petty
Chasen: I am a petty officer

After they part ways, we learn it's Groundhog Day as we have to endure Chasen and Ed confronting each other AGAIN. It's all pointless and all we want is for both of them to make like Clare and leave.

Outside of the evening's dramatic entertainment, Zac finally gets his time with Tayshia. This is a safe space so I feel comfortable sharing that I can't think of the last time I felt so violently repelled by someone as much as I am by Zac. I can't quite describe it, no wait, I can:

I think it's that he looks like if you took both of the bad guys from Home Alone and mashed them into one? Anyway, Tayshia likes him, saying he's so calm and laid back. She notes the "comfortable" way he's sitting, which okay sure let's call it "comfortable." 

The best part of the night comes from Joe, the anesthesiologist from New York, who shares THIS DELICIOUS ASS BOWL OF BIBIMBAP AND KIMCHI:

He also shows Tayshia a cute little pic of his family and says he's "of the Korean persuasion," which I've never been a full-time stripper, but if I was, I would definitely want my intro to be "And now, coming to the stage....Koreeeeean Persuaaaaasion" so thanks Joe.

The Rose Ceremony then plays out as predicted — with Ed getting a rose and Chasen getting the last rose because these producers hate us and are going to force us to endure another week of this boring drama.

Wait, who is this

I don't know his name and I'm pretty sure he talked to Tayshia zero times, but I find him extremely visually interesting. Looking like a mix between Sean Faris and Shawn Mendes, I'm going to call him my little Shwan. He doesn't get a rose so he goes home, meaning we won't get more visuals like him onscreen.

But we will get more of Zac (why) and also this....


I am positive that if you polled the entire audience of this show, approx 0% would request a scene of Ed working out. I finally realized that neckless Ed reminds me of Mr. Potato Head, with arms just popped onto the side of his head. And this scene all but confirmed it. I wonder if he'll pop on the mustache attachment! Or the hat! Can't wait to see!

These group dates are very good

Is this what Tayshia means when she says she wants the guys to show her "the real them" because I know when I say that, this is exactly what I mean.

For our next group date, the guys have to participate in some sort of wrestling. I say "some sort of" because I don't know if you can classify what they do to each other as wrestling so much as it is angrily grabbing each other. Not that I'm complaining, because this was fine (remember when I said I'd share the other reason I like Ben, this is it):

Because this show is more predictable than Keira Knightley deciding to be in another period piece, the last match comes down to Mr. Potato Head and Smokeshow. All of the guys assume they're about to see a real fight until Ed, who we just saw working out his shoulders all morning, tells Chris Harrison that he can't compete because he "chronically dislocates" his shoulders. 

Chris Harrison is like wow, had no idea you even had shoulders so much as a torso connected directly to a head, but okay.

But with Chasen already oiled up, we can't let that Crisco go to waste, so Tayshia asks the group (including the guys who aren't technically on this date, just observers) "Who wants to fight for me?" And Creeper Stache decides he wants to. 

Noah hops the fence around the ring and is quickly sprayed with Pam before going at it with Chasen. They mostly circle each other while maintaining intense eye contact before Chasen is declared the winner. He's also declared the overall winner of the night? How these overall winners are decided is clearly flawed, beginning with even using the word "winner" because everyone, all of humanity, loses with this show.

Because Noah "fought" for Tayshia, he then gets to join the group for the evening portion of the date. He chats with Tayshia first and anyway we'll never know why I think he is creepy.

Tayshia uses the time to get right to business, asking him the rhetorical question: "What if you shaved your mustache off?" And since he wants to impress Tayshia and also because he looks hairy as hell and can probably grow another mustache in 15 minutes, he leaves to get a razor (so she can do it). 

While he's gone, the guys continue to cycle through with none of note except for adorable ass Brendan.

Did everyone already notice HOW LONG HIS LASHES ARE?? The way he lovingly stares at Tayshia is rivaled only by how intensely you stare at the microwave waiting for that Hot Pocket. At one point, he sort of rambles until she stops him with a kiss and my point here is I am Beyonce-movie Obsessed with him.

After being gone for way longer than seems normal to find a razor, Noah returns and interrupts one of the guys so Tayshia can "cut away a huge part" of his life. 

This was actually pretty gratifying but also I was semi-concerned for Noah because Tayshia was shaving in all directions. I was positive she was going to take off one of his nostrils.

As a note, Ben's strategy was to wait until near the end of the night so he could be the last one to talk to Tayshia before the group date rose is given. Noah completely shaves away this plan and his second go-round with Tayshia makes him the last to chat with her.

When Tayshia returns to the group, Ben tries to steal her away for a sec, but she's like "No <3" and also tells him she's disappointed that he didn't try to talk with her earlier. She ends up giving the rose to Noah, who doesn't even go here.

Chasen, who we can always rely on for a thought-provoking quote, says Noah "double dipped, which is a sin." Ah yes, something the Lord famously said: "Thou shalt not double dip."

And that's it! I'm hoping Tayshia sends both Chasen and Ed home next week, but since this show has a history of blatantly ignoring my requests, I doubt that will happen. I think we're going to get an Ivan one-on-one though! 

See you all next week for Ivan time! Til then, find me eating barbecue (all of this smokeshow talk, ya know) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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