Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Ben, looking directly into the camera like an angsty teen in the opening credits of some show on The CW (or The WB for the real ones):

Based on the fact that this season must wrap by Christmas (before Matt's Bachelor season premieres in January) I'm thinking our girl Tayshia only has about 3 more weeks to find a husband, so we don't have a moment to waste!

A stupid competition to get to a much needed Ivan one-on-one

To kick off the week, Tayshia has all of the guys who weren't on the last group date "compete" for a one-on-one date by writing a song then performing it for her because as Tayshia puts it, "What girl doesn't want that?" Ah yes, there's nothing we collectively as women want more than to see how many words a guy can rhyme "rose" with.

About 95% of this segment is a waste of time with this being the only worthwhile 5%:

Ivan is the only guy who asks Tayshia to sit closer so he can look into her eyes while singing and yes I would normally find this incredibly corny, but when the deliverer of the corn looks like Ivan I'm like lemme get that high fructose corn syrup.

Ivan obviously gets the one-on-one date and the only other thing I want to note is I've gone this entire part of the post without making some sort of Ivan and "playing my musical instrument" joke or using the word "blow," so anyway, you're welcome.

After the rest of the guys return to the house, Noah, who looks like that kid you knew in elementary school that threw up in class once, is sure to publicly share that Ivan is too quiet and "sophisticated" (omg hate that when guys are sophisticated) for Tayshia. In case you forgot, here's Noah:

Gasp, too sophisticated, what does that even mean, he speaks in cursive? Mostly including this bit because yes you guessed it, Noah has his handy dandy spoon out and is ready to be this week's pot stirrer.

"I feel like Ivan and I could have a really beautiful relationship"

Tayshia asks Ivan to meet her at her suite later that night (which wow, really stealing lines word-for-word that I've DM'd to him, but okay sure). So before he heads over, we get this really drawn out scene of him adjusting his chain like it's a tie and I am not one bit complaining, please sir I'd like some more.

Their date is comprised of activities that must've been randomly pulled out of a hat — they play the "floor is lava" game to get to her bedroom where the phone is so they can order room service, then they have a pillow fight with pillows that are seemingly just full of loose feathers???? Is that actually how feather pillows are, just feathers all loosey goosey (haha goose) plopped into a pillowcase??? Can someone please confirm for me?? 

Then when room service arrives, we learn they've ordered the Kevin McCallister special:

Tbh it seems a little insensitive for Tayshia to order that Titanic-sized (too soon?) portion of ice cream knowing Ivan is half Filipino and therefore likely lactose intolerant. Also, WHO ORDERS THAT MUCH ICE CREAM????? PRESENTED IN THE STANLEY CUP???? I actually would've like to learn more about that cafeteria looking pizza or those chicken fingers.

After gassing up — literally gas like toot toot because they've just eaten a bunch of fries, pizza, guac, buffalo wings, ice cream and wine — they head outside to chat.

And y'all, when I say this is the most real and meaningful conversation to happen on this tragedy of a show, I mean it. Ivan talks about his relationship with his younger brother and the impact it had on him when his brother went to prison for four years. He brings up George Floyd and police brutality and how the events of this year struck him so hard because he kept thinking about his brother and the hardships he went through in prison.

They both talk about growing up in predominately white neighborhoods, being surrounded by mostly white people for most of their lives and what the Black Lives Matter movement has meant to both of them. At the end of what is certainly the deepest conversation to ever happen on this kiddie pool depth of a show, Tayshia gives Ivan a rose.

They then head inside to watch a "movie," which is just a slideshow of Tayshia baby photos? I mean I guess Hollywood really is on a break.

Bottomline here: I am obsessed and in love with Ivan and I think he'll make it to Tayshia's top 3, but she will not pick him in the end (and I'll be there, creepily waiting in the DM wings to sweep him away).

A group date that's actually entertaining
For the next group date, Tayshia enlists the help of her "best friends" Becca and Sydney because I guess after you've been on one of these shows you're contractually obligated to only continue friendships with other people who have also been on the show. 

You may remember Sydney for deciding to leave Colton's season of The Bachelor early because she realized how incredibly boring and useless he was. And you may remember Becca for first getting dumped on live TV by boiled chicken Arie, then completely blowing her season of The Bachelorette by choosing ignorant, racist, sexist idiot Garrett (they've since broken up). Both very good resume builders.

For this date, the guys learn they'll be paired up before having to run around the resort completing random "dares." These "dares" include downing gross blended drinks that include bugs or ham or who knows, having Chris Harrison sign somewhere "where the sun doesn't shine" which again none of us asked for more of his bird ass so can that please stop, and making loud sex noises. The sex noises dare actually made me laugh out loud in real life because we got scenes like this:

So now that they've all eaten something weird, had Chris Harrison touch their butts and busted an eye vessel sex screaming, they're ready for the final dare — eat a habanero pepper and then pretend propose to Tayshia. Here's Bennett spicily glistening in the wind:

I did find the giant, plastic engagement ring to be pretty funny because there is nothing I love more than really tiny or really large versions of things. 

With bugs and peppers lining their stomachs, they move onto the evening portion of the date because nothing sounds better than topping it all off with mixed drinks.

Bennett is one of the first to chat with Tayshia and we learn that he was actually engaged before.

He says he broke it off before the wedding because "it just didn't feel right," which I take to mean mother told him his fiancee was simply not an appropriate match. But I'm sure there will be future cotillions! Also want to note that Bennett is 10000% a producer pick, kept around for entertainment value, because Tayshia looks at him like he's a clearance item in the frozen food aisle — not going to buy it, but not bothered by it being here.

Next up, Blake hits her with the ol' heart eyes:

I find this man incredibly exhausting and not just because I'm constantly looking under my bed to make sure he's not there. I'm thinking he'll be going home soon.

Speaking of going home soon, here's who I REALLY want to go home:

Tayshia and Zac chat in the hot tub, which is annoying because of all the men on this date to see shirtless, we get Zac. She continues to show genuine interest in him and I cannot understand it at all. It's like when someone says their favorite candy is those circus peanuts, it's simply beyond comprehension. 

Tayshia ends up giving Zac the group date rose, so sadly it seems Circus Peanut will be sticking around until at least the top 4 (is my guess anyway).

A Tale of Two Single-Syllable Names
After ruminating on Tayshia saying she was disappointed in him for not chatting with her, Ben decides he needs to see Tayshia the night before the Rose Ceremony. At the same time, Thumb Head Ed is like maybe I should go find my neck (and also Tayshia). So they both put on their best Hanes shirt and set out for Tayshia's room.

Long story short, here's who they each end up reaching at the end of their nighttime stroll:

That's right, Army veteran Ben was able to effectively read a resort map to find his way to Tayshia's room while Ed wandered into Chris Harrison's.....neck.....of the woods. When Chris Harrison opens the door, he mentions it's 2:30 a.m., which like why is Tayshia still in cute clothes and also NOT ASLEEP?? I don't care how hot you are, if you knock on my door at 2:30 a.m. you're gonna get Shrek straight outta the swamp.

Ben apologizes to Tayshia and tells her he wasn't being apathetic during the group date and he won't ever make the mistake again of trying to be last to chat with her. She forgives him because he's fine as hell and then he surprises her with room service champagne and strawberries.

What we need to talk about here is HOW BIG HIS HANDS ARE???? BIG BEN'S HANDS. I mean those are MITTS. Looks like he could just palm a 25 lb turkey, easy (Happy Thanksgiving!). I bet those hands could hold like 3 wiener dogs EACH. My point here is I am interested in Ben and I think Tayshia is too and he'll also be around in the top four.

How is this only the second Rose Ceremony
Throughout this episode, we've had sprinklings of Noah making arrogant comments because he already has a rose (from the group date he imposed upon). Oh, btw, just in case, once again this is Noah don't want you to forget this face:

Something about him reminds me of that squirrel from Ice Age?? Anyway, after some casual pot stirring, Noah's ready to break out the paddle-sized spoon and really get this thing going.

During his time with Tayshia, Noah says he's not here to tell on guys and then proceeds to tell on guys. He tells Tayshia that some of the guys were annoyed that he was allowed to join the group date and they've been questioning her thinking for deciding to give him the group date rose.

Tayshia thanks Squirrel before heading back into where the guys are to confront them. 

She tells the guys she feels her integrity has been questioned and she's not here to start drama and if any of the guys think she is, they can leave. She then cancels the rest of the evening, leaving most of the guys without any time with her before the Rose Ceremony.

Mostly including this group shot of Thumb Head yelling at Squirrel to show how good Ivan looks in his little tan jacket. During this back and forth of everyone v. Noah, Bennett says "I'm here for love, not for breast feeding Noah," which I think we can all agree is a little too visual. And further proof that Bennett is just a plant to deliver lines written by the producers so they can be created into gifs.

At the Rose Ceremony, we learn that Ed has had it absolutely up to ear with Noah's BS.

With no neck, do you think this means Ed never gets a sore throat? I mean I guess that's a plus. Tayshia ends up giving him the last rose for some unknown reason and sends home Asked Me How to Spell Orange Chasen, Boy Band Kenny, Hot But Only When He's Shirtless Jordan and Dr. Joe. Of all of them, Joe knew he was leaving based on his face the entire time:

Now he can get back to his real passion — wearing a man bun while doctoring.

And that's it! I'm wondering how this season is going to play out considering it has to wrap up by Christmas. I'm also annoyed because episodes with Clare CRAWLey'd by (impressed myself there) and now we're having to rush through Tayshia Time.

See you next week for more! Til then, find me napping after eating an entire pie (how else do you think I get this body'ody) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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