Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia wearing what appears to be a sleeveless turtleneck:

This gave me intense fashion flashbacks because I was VERY into sleeveless turtlenecks for a period of time in high school. And when I like something, I REALLY like it, so I had like 14 of them it was absurd and unfortunate.

But like the great poet Hannah Montana once said, "Everybody makes mistakes." So let's jump into this week's mistakes!

"I need some advice"

Because she's trying to get Bingo on her "past Bachelorette/Bachelor stars" card, Tayshia asks JoJo Fletcher to join her this week.

JoJo's season was actually the first time I dabbled in watching this tragic franchise. You probably remember her for looking like Maren Morris and also getting engaged to a guy who looks like the cucumber from Veggie Tales. These two things apparently make her qualified to provide Tayshia with advice and also semi-step in for Chris Harrison (who's gone for most of the episode). 

They talk over quite the breakfast spread and tbh I don't remember much of this conversation because I couldn't stop staring at that greyish-white blob in front of that plant that looks like a glob of cottage cheese:

I realize it's some sort of decorative rock, but we can't know for sure that it's not just some sort of dairy product plopped directly onto the table.

I knew this was coming

Circus Peanut gets his time to shine in the center ring after he gets this week's first one-on-one date. If you've forgotten what he looks like, no worries here are a few reminders:

You can really see why Tayshia worries if she's just "physically" attracted to him. 

Because Tayshia's attraction to Zac makes no sense, it makes sense for their date to also make no sense (does that make sense). Their date centers around taking wedding photos together, which um what the actual hell. I mean, I know they do this particular date every season, but it's just as stupid to see every time.

Tayshia feels nervous about doing this because she is a normal human being who is being forced to put on a wedding dress and take fake wedding photos with a man who I think looks like the Joker maybe??? And also because she's worn a wedding dress before and that didn't end so well. But all of her worries subside when she sees Zac in his ill fitting suit.

They take photos and change outfits a few times and randomly jump on a trampoline??? Dear God this date is incredibly weird and also wack. There's lots of kissing, which made me notice that Zac licks his non-existent lips A LOT. So I guess he's really just licking his mustache area (I KNOW THIS IS CALLED THE UPPER LIP BUT "MUSTACHE AREA" IS MUCH MORE VISUAL AND ALSO HOW CAN ONE HAVE AN "UPPER LIP" IF THEY DON'T HAVE LIPS???). Anyway, here's a very introspective moment of Tayshia staring at Zac's thin little things:

Later, they have dinner inside a lava lamp.

Tayshia emphasizes that she's looking for someone who's older and more mature like Zac, which I mean, if Clare taught us anything it's that age is not necessarily tied to maturity. 

Zac then shares literally everything that has happened in his life (and it's as lot) in about 5 minutes — he had a brain tumor and surgery, then got married, then got heavily into drinking and partying, then got a DUI and arrested before his wife left him. He continued down this path until finally, after trying to cash a check he stole from his dad (and with the support of his dad) he sought help and went to rehab for 4 months. And now he sits on the board of that rehab facility.

Phew. That's almost more than what happens in a single episode of Riverdale. Tayshia thanks him for sharing and obviously gives him a rose before telling him she has a "surprise" for him. And the surprise is:

A GIANT FERRIS WHEEL. Not really sure if this show knows what "surprise," means. Unless they found some giant ass blanket to cover this thing (lol that's funny to think about), this isn't really a surprise, more of a "here is this thing that has been here forever."

FYI I love reading

Ivan and Brendan read two of the week's date cards and I have never been more interested in reading or in becoming an envelope.

"I'm hoping this date can help reveal something about the guys" 

In a drastic shift, this week's group date includes no nudity. From the guys at least. It's a creative and artistic type of date, beginning with them having to sketch a nude couple. Not even sharing what the couple looks like because it's better for you to interpret via their sketches:

I honestly can't decide which is the funniest one. After this terrible stick people porn sketching, the guys then have to create something out of clay that illustrates love. Skipping over that entire portion because all of their creations look like literal poop (the clay was dark brown).

For the final test of AP Art class, they have to create self-portraits that show something deep inside of them and the guy who impresses Tayshia the most will get some extra one-on-one time with her.

Taking the task literally, Brendan holds up an empty frame around his face, which at first seems lazy and lacking creativity, until he turns the portrait sideways to say "my self-portrait isn't complete without someone by my side because the most important thing in life is to share it with someone special."

This is straight out of a Hallmark holiday movie (I've been watching a lot of them) AND I LIKE IT. Also, I'm aware Brendan's voice is sort of monotone and he always sounds like he's coming to collect your taxes, but I don't mind it and I've got some deductions for him to see. 

Ivan's portrait features puzzle pieces representing his family, money, career, etc. but with one piece missing in the middle that represents a wife and kids. He asks Tayshia to place the final piece, completing the puzzle:

AND YES I ALSO FOUND THIS CUTE, OKAY. I love puzzles and placing the last piece (even on a puzzle with only 5 pieces like this one) is one of the most gratifying things (second only to sneezing).

While all of the guys have been sharing meaningful stories behind their self-portraits, Ben has grown increasingly nervous about his. Just as he's about to share his, he tells Tayshia he forgot something and leaves for a second, only to return with his self-portrHAAAAAAAAAY:

My reaction alternated between Blake's, Bennett's and mostly Tayshia's:

Ben tells Tayshia this is him (literally) showing up for her and he's giving all of "this" to her, from his physical body to everything inside. I'm not even adding any jokes here because you can imagine all of them for yourself.

All of this emotional sharing and hot body'ody action overwhelms Tayshia's senses and she steps away for a second to cry because she's so thankful for such a thoughtful (and hot) group of guys. She returns to tell them she can't choose one person to spend extra time with because they've all been so great and would like to continue the group date all together.

This is great since this art date has been a can opener for all of the guys' feelings and they're now all ready to lay on the couch and open up to Dr. Tayshia. Later that evening, all of them continue to share stories about their families and past and this MUST BE the most complete sentences ever used on a season of the Bachelorette.

Ben tells Tayshia he feels a connection with her that he's never felt with anyone else, so he feels comfortable opening up to her. He tells her that he works in fitness and nutrition because he had an eating disorder as a teenager and into his 20s that began because as a kid, he learned girls didn't like "the fat kid." And we get to see all of this through the camera's weird positioning making it look like Ben is using a blur background on Zoom.

Tayshia thanks Ben for sharing and later ends up giving him the group date rose. She ends the evening by foreshadowing how this episode will clearly end by saying she's aware of the drama brewing between Noah and Bennett and she intends to get to the bottom of this cup of dumbass coffee.

It's so Eazy to say goodbye

Eazy gets the second one-on-one this week and for his date with Tayshia, they do some ghost hunting. And by "ghost hunting" I mean everything is filmed with night vision cameras because ghosts or no ghosts, night vision cameras create the strangest shadows making everything look haunted.

For some background, Tayshia reads the story about why this resort is haunted (wtf was there no budget to afford a non-haunted hotel). Apparently some guy back in the 1900s (the period of time all ghosts are from) lived where the resort currently is and blah blah his wife and baby died and all of them now "haunt" the grounds. Tayshia and Eazy do a lot of screaming and scaring each other and while we don't see any actual ghosts, we do get a shot of this terrifying thing:

WHY. There is NEVER a reason for dolls to exist anywhere or be in any location. Also, I *cannot* emphasize enough how much I hate old timey ghosts. Like, ghosts have nothing better to do than float around in old raggedy ass clothing trying to scare people? 

Anyway, after wandering around in the dark for a couple hours — what Eazy calls "a cute ass date" — they head to dinner, which takes place in what appears to be some sort of wicker chandelier showroom.

Also want to note that they're sitting in front of the pizza oven that Dale proposed to Clare at.

Eazy tells Tayshia he's felt comfortable with her from the start and could feel this was something real and that he's falling in love with her. Tayshia then responds by first making the face you make before saying "I love....being friends with you" to someone telling you they're in love with you:

She thanks him for being so honest, but admits she isn't quite there with him and he deserves so much more, meaning she isn't giving him a rose and he's going home. He is completely caught off guard and as she's walking him to his Uber, he asks her a couple times "Is this real?" and "Are you sure?"

And anyway yes, he's our first date exit of the season (though probably not the last).

Who does this

We actually haven't heard much from Spencer since he slid in on a trail of hair gel, but this week we got a random clip of him eating:


Please send both of these men home

So back to this ridiculous and pointless drama between Noah and Bennett. Tayshia asks to see both of them before the Rose Ceremony cocktail party and just in case you forgot, here's a reminder of what they look like: 

If these two Milk Duds were creating drama on my season, I'd just send them right where all Milk Duds belong — the trash. I know the producers are making her drag out this situation, but it's not like either of these guys is a catch so why can't we let both of these minnows go.

Before Tayshia arrives, Bennett can't possibly miss an opportunity to remind us that he is comprised of every terrible cliche associated with one-dimensional, rich, white men. I'm sure Reese Witherspoon has broken up with him in a movie before. He gives Noah a "gift" that he def golf clapped at himself in the mirror for putting together. 

It includes a red handkerchief "of friendship" since Noah is from Oklahoma and Bennett had "rancher" days (more like ranch dressing, ya know). While that seems nice, the next two items are straight from Petty Aisle 5. He gives him a pair of his socks (that he claims to have washed) that have mustaches on them because, as he says, "the only place a mustache belongs is on socks," taking a dig at the creeper peach fuzz stache Noah showed up with. And the last thing is a book about emotional intelligence because Bennett thinks Noah is lacking in several areas. 

After this white elephant (heavy emphasis on white) gift exchange, Tayshia finally shows up.

She says she likes them both (who knows why), but is frustrated and wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all of this pettiness. She calls this "teenage boy drama" and Noah agrees and says he wants to squash it before being like "BUT BUT TEACHER, BENNETT SAID THIS ABOUT ME." Tayshia tells Bennett that his issue with Noah still being here calls her own integrity into question, since she is the one who decides who stays. Bennett, who probably just found out women can vote and is surely a walking HR complaint in any office setting, responds with: "I actually don't believe I am."

WELL, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE YOU ARE, THEN PHEW, GLAD THAT'S SORTED. I'm hoping Tayshia just sends both of these flavorless crumbs home next week.

Speaking of sending guys home...

Can't believe he's still here

If possible, Ed's barely there neck continues to become less and less existent every week. Tayshia needs to send this man home before his head slides down to becoming a third nipple.

And that's it! We've only got like four episodes left, meaning Tayshia's going to need to trim a lot of fat from this fatty brisket soon. See you next week! Til then, find me boycotting old timey ghosts and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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