Wednesday, December 9, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia's look of pure exhaustion at having to continue wading in this cesspool of Noah and Bennett bullshit.

That's right, even though we LITERALLY do not have time for this, we're dedicating more time to this moo (like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter) drama.

Next week is hometowns and Men Tell All, meaning the week after is the proposal and finale. So it seems totally normal and unrushed and very natural for Tayshia to go from 10 guys this week to 1 over the course of 3 episodes, why not! Nothing makes sense so here we go!

But which piece of moldy chicken should she keep

To get to the bottom of this unnecessary drama, Tayshia chats separately with each of the guys, which AGAIN I must point out is a waste of time. Tayshia trying to decide between Bennett and Noah is like trying to decide which piece of moldy chicken to cook when you've got an entire fridge just full of juicy ass Ivan steaks available instead.

Bennett, who is a walking "well actually," really fights for Tayshia by lecturing her on the topic of emotional intelligence while also disregarding her feelings completely. I know, swoon. To really make her heart soar, he repeatedly says "I'm sorry you feel that way" (instead of, I don't know, "I'm sorry"). 

She then talks to the squirrel from Ice Age, telling him that he is clearly the common denominator in all of this drama. And there is no way you can convince me this man knows what a denominator is.

He emphasizes that he hates drama and does not want to be at the center of this except omg wait, he's wearing a sun costume and making the other guys dress up as planets and is wearing a shirt that says "I love Center Life."

The only way for this nonsense to end satisfactorily is for Tayshia to send both of these ding dongs home, so that of course doesn't happen. Only Bennett is sent back to the frat house or maybe he's sent back into the sauna where it seems he's been spending hours at a time based on how flushed and pink he constantly looks.

Tayshia doesn't give Ice Age Squirrel a rose either, but let's him stick around for the upcoming Rose Ceremony so she has more time to decide if she wants to keep him around. 

Why are there still so many guys left

Going into the Rose Ceremony, only Circus Peanut and Big Hands Ben have roses. Among the 8 other guys remaining, Tayshia has 5 roses to give, meaning 3 are going home (some have called me a "math genius"). So the guys are feeling the pressure to get solid Tayshia time in.

Riley, who is probably the most mature and down to earth man in the house (and also has the biggest biceps I have ever seen ever), chats with Tayshia first and surprises her with THIS PERFECT LOOKING PIECE OF CAKE:

He says it's to celebrate their "one week anniversary of being boyfriend/girlfriend," and I cannot describe how adorable I find this. Like, he doesn't say it's a week of them being together or being in a relationship, he specifically uses "boyfriend/girlfriend," which unlocks my deepest core teenage memories. 

All of the other guys also file through for their time and blah blah, let's get to the ceremony.

Ultimately, Demar, Spencer and Ed are sent home. None of this is a surprise because Spencer literally spoke with Tayshia once, then spent the rest of his time PICKING THE CHEESE AND TOPPINGS OUT OF SALADS. And we haven't really seen Tayshia connect with Demar much, but I also think he'll be great on Bachelor in Paradise. And Ed. Ah Ed.

The biggest surprise here is how in the actual hell he stuck around for so long. At least now he can get back to doing what he does best — lifting neck weights.

Apologies for missing this one

I guess I never fully paid attention to the fact that Brendan is a commercial roofer. To that I say, I've got a roof he can get under. Or maybe I've got a roof he can get on top of? Or maybe I've got some roofing for him to inspect? Okay you guys let me know what I should go with in my opening DM. Also I'm really sorry it took me this long to make this joke.

One-on-one with Big Ben

Ben gets this week's first one-on-one and for his date with Tayshia, they first stand next to each other looking like the stock image photogenic couple included in picture frames.

Even though it looks like he's about to blink and also like he just muttered a long "brahhhhh," I enjoy this overall visual.

They spend the day following clues around the resort property as a part of a scavenger hunt and at one point bring us back to an old friend:

That's right, the pizza oven. It served as the backdrop for Clare and Dale's engagement and for Circus Peanut's sharing of his dramatic past and now, for something equally as serious — piƱata bashing. 

They later end up at this fountain filled with approx 1 inch of water, therefore requiring Ben to fully remove his pants to avoid getting them wet.

I'm not complaining, this Winnie the Pooh precaution seems like a necessary one to take. And I was the appointed Safety Officer for my Army unit, so I think I have the credentials to make this ass'essment, thanks.

All butts aside, Tayshia wants to focus on getting to know Ben on a deeper level during the evening portion of their date. Which features this delicious hunk of meat:

I'm talking about that steak, you guys, you know I don't objectify men.  

Tayshia tells Ben he's "a tough cookie to crack" (note: I've got a cookie for him to crack) and in response, Ben says he hasn't had feelings for someone in a long time, but he's slowly opening up. He talks about how his family and then being in the military trained him to strive to be perfect and always say and do the right thing. But, after he broke his back (holy crap) and had to leave the military, he "lost himself" and didn't know how to ask for help.  

He then shares that he had two failed suicide attempts in 2018 and 2019. And it's like, last week this man shared he had an eating disorder and this week he bravely shares that he attempted suicide, so I cannot understand Tayshia saying he doesn't open up???? Tbh, she hasn't actually shared anything personal with him????

Anyway, she gives him a rose and he's our first guy through to hometowns. They then head to a random area to slow dance to music by a rando singer on a a giant carpet under a Betsey Johnson looking tree:

Not really sure why the carpet is necessary, except to drive me crazy in creating an indoor situation (where shoes shouldn't be allowed), outdoors.

Finally, want to note that in the voiceover at the end of the date, Tayshia says SHE LOVES BEN. NOT FALLING IN LOVE, NOT STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE. THAT SHE LOVES HIM. That's important and all, but so is this:

Based on this prolonged shot of Ben's big ol' hands, it's pretty clear ABC reads my blog and is pandering directly to my interests.

This looks like a very legit lie detector setup

For this week's group date, the guys learn they'll be undergoing a "polygraph test" administered by JoJo Fletcher, who by the way is still around. I use air bunnies because this "test" setup includes three different colored lights to indicate truth/lie/unsure and a laptop playing a heart rate line on loop (I actually refer to this as a "beep beep beep" line AND DON'T BE PRETENTIOUS YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY "BEEP BEEP BEEP" LINE). 

Anyway, to prove the test's accuracy and authenticity (two words that are never used to describe this show), Tayshia is hooked up first.

The biggest thing we learn (that is clearly foreshadowing) is that while she says she doesn't regret sending any of the guys home so far, the test reveals this to be a lie (gee, who could this Be-nnett bout).

During Brendan's test, he truthfully shares that he "hopes" he's ready to propose at the end of all of this before being caught lying about being ready for Tayshia to meet his family and for him to meet hers.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Brendan clarifies his answers with Tayshia, telling her that he's nervous about the meeting of families because his family has seen him propose and get married and go through all of this before. And he wants to ensure this is really it. And um, THIS IS A NORMAL WORRY SINCE THEY HAVE LITERALLY ONLY BEEN DATING FOR 3 WEEKS, TOPS??? Why I let this show feed me crazy pills every season is beyond me.

During Circus Peanut's test, he truthfully admits he's already falling in love with Tayshia and also that he has cheated before. This raises one giant red flag in Tayshia's mind because well obviously, cheating, and also because she thinks "once a cheater, always a cheater." And I mean, you can totally see how this face could captivate more than one woman at once:

We later learn that Zac was telling the truth and he did "cheat" .... when he was in mother fracking 6th grade. Wtf. He tells Tayshia he had his first girlfriend then and cheated on her when he "french kissed" another girl at the bowling alley. Remember how I thought it was adorable that Riley used the youth'nacular (youth vernacular, I am a linguist) of "boyfriend/girlfriend"? I found it unbelievably creepy to hear Zac say the youth'nacular verb "french kissed." Anyway, Tayshia is relieved to learn this was sort of a joke and he's not a cheater. Circus Peanut says he wishes he could've told her that he was falling in love with her, instead of having the test reveal it and she says she's falling in love with him too. I remain boggled by this entire thing.

When Riley is hooked up to the super legit polygraph test, he fails the very first question of his name, which confuses everyone in the room.

During his time with Tayshia later, he explains this by sharing more about his rocky family history, something he doesn't normally talk about. He says his name is actually Dwayne Henderson Jr. and he was named after his father, who was his best friend for 20+ years until they had a falling out. This falling out happened after Riley learned more about what happened with his parents divorce and how his dad "took some things" from his mother, including him and his brother, and lied to them about her throughout the years. After reconnecting with his mom, he decided he wanted a fresh start and wanted to work toward being a better person and officially changed his name to Riley. Tayshia thanks him for opening up and understands this is hard for him, and good lord all of these guys really do have incredible stories. 

Near the end of the group date, Circus Peanut so eloquently notes that "the only reason Tayshia won't give me the rose tonight is if she has similar feelings for someone else" and wow, really can't get anything past this guy huh. 

Tayshia ultimately decides she's not ready to give out a group date rose and wants to wait until the Rose Ceremony.

Bennett is back to steal Christmas

After leaving the group date, Tayshia is surprised by the return of bland ass Bennett because as a privileged white man, he simply cannot be told what to do and when it's time to go.

His head almost explodes as he tries to avoid saying "actually" while apologizing again for making her "think" he was questioning her integrity or decision making ability. He then makes a last ditch effort to win her over by telling her that being asked to leave made him realize he loves her. And this is Tayshia's reaction, can't you just hear the "uhhhhhhh":

And that reaction is shortly followed by:

As a heads up, if you tell someone you love them and they react by looking like they just realized they ate raw oysters from a gas station, it's not a good sign. But yes Bennett, please tell us more about how self-aware you are.

And that's it! Based on previews, it looks like Bennett will get to join the Rose Ceremony, which is incredibly stupid because AGAIN WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. The finale is in 2 weeks?? And there's still entirely too many men here (and there and most places, amirite). 

See you next week as we continue to destroy these silly brain cells! Til then, find me creeping around on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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