Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia's travel-sized hair straightener because her arrival has finally straightened out this entire debacle of a season.

It's our first full Tayshia episode (minus a tiny reappearance of Clare and Dale because this show hates me, yes specifically me, they are targeting me) so let's go!

Front loading the Ivan content

Because I've got something he can front load (HAHA I'M NOT EVEN SORRY). While the guys are waiting inside to meet their new Bachelorette, Ivan says he's "ready to fall in love and find something real, but has no idea who it could possibly be with." And since my lawyer has advised me that Ivan and I literally cannot be together because of the pesky restraining order he took out on me, I guess Ivan can be with Tayshia instead.

After Tayshia introduces herself, Ivan hugs her first and pulls her away first to talk. With those two milestones checked, the natural next step is engagement (is what this show has taught me). 

This conversation ensues:

Tayshia: Wow we are both very good looking
Ivan: Yeah you're hot, I'm hot, we are going the same speed — hot
Tayshia: So sup with Clare
Ivan: Never heard of her

After chatting with Ivan, Tayshia continues talking with the rest of the leftovers, which confused me because why would she not just leave the show with Ivan. Isn't that how this show now works.

"Who the hell are these guys"

While our #1 pick Ivan is chatting with Tayshia the remaining guys are picking up their jaws from lost and found after seeing how gorg she is. After that, they begin the ol' Bachelorette mating ritual of waiting in line to speak with her. Everything is going seemingly well and everyone is excited to finally have a Bachelorette with a personality...I mean who is good looking...I mean who has a personality and is good looking, until....

FRESH MEAT!! Is what I yelled and I stand behind it (and in front of it). Four new guys arrive including this guy, Spencer, who might be the most Spencer looking Spencer in the history of Spencers. You cannot convince me he isn't the guy in every Lifetime movie that the woman brings back to her country ass town from the "big city" who turns out to be a dick.

Like a surprise cactus, Spencer immediately rubs the guys the wrong way. And to make matters worse, when Tayshia rejoins the group after welcoming the new guys, Spencer steals her away first to chat, therefore breaking the historically established pecking order of this show. I don't remember much of their conversation, just him telling her he loves the beach, so it's straight to the deep stuff with this guy.

Back to the old leftovers. When Blake and his weird beard finally get to chat with Tayshia, he gives her the ol' eyeball razzle dazzle:

How many bottles of eye drops do you think this man goes through. While not blinking for 10 minutes, he tells Tayshia that she has to give him time to open up, but once he does, he's fun. Ah yes, the top thing that all fun people say.

And we can't forget Zac, who thinks wearing high top sneakers with a suit is a personality. I can actually imagine him trying this on and yelling "SICK" at the mirror.

He brings coins for them to throw into the fountain and unfortunately Tayshia does seem interested in him right off the bat, it's very confusing. Also La Quinta was pissed to have to clean those coins out of the fountain later.

At the end of the night, Tayshia gives the first impression rose to surprise cactus:

How sticky do you think her hands were from touching that much LA Looks hair gel?

In a funny turn of events, this rose didn't even matter because she canceled the Rose Ceremony (since she just arrived). Like a microphone at a Britney concert, this week's rose was just for show.

Please do not pick this man, please please

I don't remember his name (he looks like a Brad), but he's one of the new arrivals and I cannot let my close personal friend Tayshia end up with the bully from a Disney Channel original movie.  


Clare and Dale are back for a check-in even though no one asked for it, like those extra utensils restaurants give you when you order dinner for four but it's just for you. Clare immediately breaks out a bat to really beat that dead horse of a line, "All I've ever wanted was someone to show up" (AGAIN A MAN DID SHOW UP AND PROPOSE TO HER A YEAR AGO, ON THIS SHOW). She then moves onto her second talking point (she only has two) and shows everyone she got 39 tattooed on her chest like Superman (because did you know she is 39).

Clare says she's excited to marry Dale and get to know him because SURE THAT'S THE ORDER OF THINGS. GET MARRIED THEN GET TO KNOW THE PERSON, WHY NOT.

The only worthwhile moment of this entire thing was when Chris Harrison asked "So what's next? A wedding?" And before Dale can check the return policy on the ring, Clare screams "BABIES" and Dale is like what. (Quick shoutout to the weird placement of that plant that appears to be censoring Dale's crotch.)

Anyway, per Clare, the order of things is marriage, then babies, THEN FINALLY you get to know the person you married and had kids with. I'm hoping this was the last segment with Clare, who I think we can come together and agree was the worst Bachelorette in the history of this God-forsaken franchise (a real honor).

I am very interested in these group dates

For the first group date, Tayshia says she's "really excited to see them" and by "them" she means:

That's right, another group date based around seeing the guys' bods. And while I thought this was stupid when Clare did it (because I thought Clare was stupid), I am 10000% in support of Tayshia making the guys showcase the goods. Also Jordan (guy on the far left) is normally in oversized suits so I had no idea he had all of this going on and I am very interested in petting those birds.

After the guys strip down to Speedos (at this point do they just have a pair permanently issued by the show) they play "Splashball," aka basketball in the pool. Eventually Riley and Spencer sort of start pushing each other until finally Riley elbows Spencer in the face.

Even though we don't know Spencer that well yet, an immediate feeling of satisfaction washed over me upon seeing him get elbowed because there's nothing the KMac brain loves more than a douchebro getting smacked.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Jordan decides to put clothes on again and it's like why.

Other than Spencer continuing to be annoying as fuck, nothing particularly exciting happens. Tayshia does spend some quality time with Zac, who might be the least attractive man in the house (OH, YOU'RE THINKING IT TOO).

We learn that he kisses like he's bobbing for apples.

Despite Zac's apple bobbing, Tayshia ends up giving the group date rose to Eazy.

Someone come get this man

During the entirety of this episode, Seth Rogan-lookalike (I think his name is Jason?) is having a major existential crisis. He's still not quite over the 30 minutes he spent with Clare and before the one-on-one date is announced, he is SO worried it's going to be him. Again y'all, the confidence of severely underwhelming white men, simply unmatched. Do you think he also worries every year that he's going to be announced as People's Sexiest Man Alive? He of course doesn't get the one-on-one date because I don't think Tayshia even remembers his name.

He mopes around all day, eventually deciding he needs to go home because he was "so invested" in Clare, like okay JP Morgan calm down y'all yelled at some rocks once and she showed you her old engagement dress, it's not that serious. Anyway, he goes to break the news to Tayshia.

Tayshia asks him a couple times if he's sure because let's be honest, this man will not get another opportunity to date someone like Tayshia. He tells her he's sure before reiterating that the other guys are all good guys and here for the right reasons, which tbh was nice of Seth Rogan to do. And with that, he departs on the Pineapple Express.

Wait, do we love Brendan

Brendan gets the first one-on-one date and if you don't remember him (because he got approx 4.5 seconds of airtime during Clare's episodes), here's a reminder:

For their date, Tayshia and Brendan ride horses around the property while wearing cowboy hats, which I would find INCREDIBLY corny if Clare's canned corn ass was doing it, but Tayshia is popcorn and we're all here for the show.

Not gonna lie, the number one thing I was focusing on was what if the horses pooped? They don't appear to have those bags attached like horses in public areas usually have to catch the poop and I'm really sorry for talking about poop this long but can someone at the La Quinta let me know, thanks.

Because ABC mistakenly thought we asked for more Chris Harrison (when we actually asked for more chips in here, son), he intermittently interrupts their date to provide random things including margaritas, ice cream and coconuts. 

I'm sorry but with this mix of alcohol and dairy while bouncing around on horses, I'm gonna have to re-up the poop talk from earlier.

After riding horses and drinking tequila, milk and coconut milk, they decide to go for a swim because there's nothing you want to do with a bloated tequila milk belly than get in the pool. Brendan wastes no time in telling Tayshia "There's something..umm...that I've wanted to do since night one and um...I didn't get a chance and umm..." WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

Obviously. I found his hesitant delivery sort of adorkable and while I just learned his name (like Tayshia) I think I like the awkwardly sweet vibes he gives off. Also (as Tayshia mentions) he has really, really great lips and full lips are a TRUE rarity among white men, so we love to see it.

Later at dinner, Brendan shares that he was married in his 20s to his high school sweetheart, but they fell out of love and got divorced after a few years. He's worried about how Tayshia will take this news, but she's like "omg same" because she was also married in her early 20s (to a really shitty guy). They bond over this and also the fact that they both want a lot of kids. 

At one point, Brendan says he knows he's not the best looking or smartest guy in the house, but he thinks he's well rounded and your honor I object to this adorable insecurity. 

Purely based on the way he stares at Tayshia, you can tell he would be the sweetest husband, completely obsessed and extremely aware of how lucky he is to be leveling up.

Tayshia of course gives him a rose and like a gentleman, he opens his shirt for her to cram her hand down to pin the rose. 

Looking like me reaching deep into a bowl of chips.

When the show saves all of the budget for you

Remember how during the dinner portion of Clare's dates, they just put construction paper and Legos on the plates? With the arrival of Tayshia, we get actual food!

I mean we're talking some sort of protein on top of some sort of carb with some sort of yellow garnish, *CHEF'S KISS*. 

They also saved the entire fireworks budget for her!

Tayshia and Brendan kiss under our first fireworks of the season, meaning in one Tayshia episode, we've gotten: 1) Actual food and 2) Fireworks. We all know what's coming next to complete the trifecta — the hot tub. I'm willing to bet one million doll hairs there is a hot tub in the next episode.

And that's it! Minus that unnecessary blip with Clare, this episode was INFINITELY better. It's like we were sitting back in the last row of coach having peanuts and "beef or chicken" thrown at us and we've now been upgraded to a private first class cabin.

See you next week when I'm thinking Zac and his sneakers will get a one-on-one date and I'll scream! Til then, find me watching Hallmark Channel holiday movies because I'm sure Spencer is the villain in at least one and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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