Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

First off, apologies for not posting about the BIP finale but it was pretty clear I needed to take some time to reflect on my terrible choices since my two obsessions (Brendan and Ivan) ended up being two red flags disguised as men.

But I'm happy to report that after some Christina Aguilera "who is that girl I see" reflection, I have changed in no way and will continue to go down with this ship.

Fortunately though, this ship has a new captain:


Michelle! Who you may recall as being ENTIRELY too good for boring ass Matt and also truly the best woman to ever be on this sewage water of a show. Long story short, I want Michelle to find a good ass man (I'll let you decide which word I'm emphasizing there) more than I want it for myself because that is a normal and healthy mindset to have.

Enduring seasons with Peter, Matt and Katie was like being trapped in a fart filled car, but now Michelle is finally that breath of fresh air. So let's jump in and get to know her again, beginning with....

A reminder that Michelle is gorg

She's also a 5th grade teacher from Minneapolis who played four years of basketball in college. So it's like okay, we get it, sometimes God gives with both hands.

During her intro, we meet her parents who have been married for 33 years.

Inspired by her parents, she's hoping to find someone to form a long lasting relationship with and anyway I'm mostly sharing this screenshot because both of her parents are wearing the ULTIMATE dad and mom shoes, which I love. Also that fruit salad tho.

As a note, Michelle's season is set in Indian Wells, CA, probably because Freddie Prinze Jr.'s hometown of Albuquerque needed some time to clean up the sludge of back-to-back seasons. Now let's get to meeting some favorites from night one....

"Better Nayte than never"

Nayte is a 27-year-old sales executive from Austin which who cares about that because this man is SIX FOOT EIGHT. He's the first guy to meet Michelle and even though his eyebrows are entirely too manicured, I can't even really tell because did I mention he's 6'8". 

When he sits down to chat with Michelle for the first time, he admits that he has trouble opening up, especially about his family. But after some encouragement from Michelle, he dives right in. He tells her that his parents got divorced when he was young and his mom recently got divorced again from his stepdad who was like his best friend. He also keeps telling her that he's nervous, which I find to be adorable.

At the end of the night, I guess his "better Nayte than never" line resonated because he gets the First Impression Rose (and first kiss of the season):

Based on historical precedent (I'm an academic), Nayte will likely be around until at least the top six. And I don't mind it because he actually does seem really sweet and kind and okay listen, he's 6'8", I would let this mean physically take my heart out and juggle with it.

So Nayte is for sure a front runner, now let's check out some of the other guys of note...

Is this what salesmen look like now

Clayton is a former Mizzou football player who thinks he can bond with Michelle over their college sports experiences along with the fact that his mom is also a teacher. And normally, I'd find this whole midwestern package as blandly vanilla, but he shows up with a yardstick for Michelle to use in case he misbehaves and then actually has her spank him with it. Honestly, unexpected. He's not just any scoop of vanilla ice cream, he's def got some sprinkles. However, we are still subtracting points because WHAT ARE THOSE:

Anytime I've encountered these dressy + soft bottomed shoes in the wild, I've been completely entranced by how hideous they are.  

While he doesn't apologize for those criminal shoes, he does apologize for hugging Michelle with only one arm (since he's hiding the yardstick behind his back with the other) because ONE-ARMED HUGS ARE INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL. Like, if I'm going full ass in for a hug, your entire ass better also be in. 

I imagine this scoop of vanilla with sprinkles will be around for a while.

Has some red flags, therefore, I am interested

Joe and his perfect brows and smile are also from Minnesota and Michelle immediately recognizes him as someone she's met before. When he's walking away from their first meeting, she asks him:


Honestly, who among us hasn't had to ask this before. She follows up by asking if his last name is Coleman, to which he says yes before walking into the house. She then remembers that they messaged back and forth on IG about basketball before HE GHOSTED HER.

When they talk later, she asks him outright why he just stopped responding, with no explanation. He tells her that this was shortly after George Floyd was murdered and protests were happening in Minneapolis close to where he owned a property and he realized he wasn't mentally ready for a relationship. She tells him she understands and he didn't need to be ready for a relationship, he just needed to communicate (TELL HIM, MICHELLE). And she's super skeptical of his decision to be here now....that she's.....the Bachelorette, but he assures her that he's been going to therapy and focusing on improving and he really is here for her. 

She remains pretty unsure about him up until the first Rose Ceremony because she knows that the only ghost allowed around here is Casper (and by association, Devin Sawa). But in the end, hot Joe gets the last rose:


Now, I am strictly against ghosting except for every instance that I've done it. And also, I'll note that you can call me haunted mansion because I'd let Joe ghost me every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But I want more for Michelle, so we'll see how he proves himself to her in the coming weeks.

Quick interjection

What is Dax Shepard doing here?? Isn't he still married to Kristen Bell?? Unfortunately for this man, I WILL be contacting Gossip Girl.

Nice to meet you, Brandaaaaaaaamn

This is Brandon J. and he's a traveling nurse recruiter from Portland who's also one of the younger ones in the bunch at 26. He rolls up to meet Michelle in a bed, which would come off as cringe if not for the fact that he is SO GOOD LOOKING. And I guess it's memorable enough for Michelle because she ends up giving him a rose even though they don't have a chance to speak over the course of the night. While he's waiting for a rose, we get clips of him saying that not getting a rose would be "the worst thing to happen here" and I have to come in with a fact check because what if snakes wearing those dressy + soft bottom shoes fell out of the ceiling while Eminem loudly blasted from speakers. Pretty sure that would actually be the worst thing.

But wait, you're probably wondering, why didn't she have time to speak with Brandon? What stupid event could've transpired to take up entirely too much time on this first night?

The stupid event

Ryan is one of the guys we're introduced to before night one and at one point, Tayshia and Kaitlyn (they're co-hosts again, did I mention that) come to his hotel room to meet him and snoop around his stuff. CIA agents Tayshia and Kaitlyn then find a bunch of folders of notes in his suitcase that are basically how-tos for looking good on the show (such as "how to get a good edit" and "how to not be a villain) and y'all when I say a bunch of notes, I mean a bunch. This man must've spent tens of dollars at FedEx to print everything out. 

Tayshia and Kaitlyn obviously share this intel with Michelle who confronts Ryan about it.

I was cracking up during this because he kept trying to hold her hands and she was not having it.

She asks to see the notes and he's like "omg sure yes, I'll show you these totally normal notes I have" and they head up to his room. Once there, she asks him to leave her alone and she proceeds to sort through his honors thesis on The Bachelorette.

I don't know how clearly you can see the clock, but IT IS 4:49 A.M. Unless pages are literally printed on Zac Efron's abs, I will never ever be caught reading something from a man before 8 a.m.

After sorting through Ryan's serial killer'ish notes, Michelle has this conversation with him (factually summarized):

Michelle: WTF
Ryan: I didn't know anything about the show, so my friend's wife wrote all of these notes to help me get to know you
Michelle: But these notes aren't even about me??
Ryan: Well I wrote a bunch of notes while watching you on Matt's season
Michelle: So you did write them??
Ryan: No, but also yes, but also no, but mostly yes and also I watched a lot of prior seasons, but wait did I tell you I don't know much about the show, because I don't

She then of course asks him to leave because this has been a weird turn of events and it's 4:49 a.m. and who the hell is printing things these days??? Toxic ass men, that's who. 

So Ryan's gone, but the mention of serial killer'ish reminds me....

This man probably owns like jars of teeth, right

This is Rick and he actually makes it through the entire first night without blinking once. There is something eerily intense about him and his creep factor is only elevated by the fact that he decided to meet Michelle as a Halloween decoration:

His actual reasoning for this is that he's Michelle's "main dish," which I mean, if that's what he's going for, why didn't he come dressed as a steak. Instead of A HEAD ON A PLATTER??? You will not convince me that this man has not been charged with stalking before. He looks like the killer from every episode of CSI.

Michelle doesn't mind him though and he ends up getting a rose, so I guess we get to see how long he can go without blinking before industrial level eye drops are brought in.

Speaking of the Rose Ceremony...

This is what Michelle looks like at like 6 a.m.

When we finally get to the Rose Ceremony, the sun has just come up, meaning that Michelle has spent 12+ hours meeting these ding dongs and has already had to deal with unnecessary drama. AND YET, not a flaw in sight. How does she do it. I would've rubbed off one of my eyebrows by this point.

Anyway, the guys all gather in what appears to be the hotel lobby (which I now realize is also where the cocktail party was last night):

It always makes me laugh to think about how it probably seemed like a good idea last night to wear a costume but now it's 6 a.m. and you're dressed as a giant apple. 

I honestly don't remember (and it's not important) who all got sent home, but as a sampling (because I'm a scientist), I do remember what happened with these guys:

The two guys in the back in navy suits and the Batman villain looking man in the front got roses. Sadly, the pouffy haired, blinking man and sleeveless suit wearing man were both sent home. 

But now we're at least down to 23 guys, which is a much more standard number of men to be dating at the same time (30 is just too many to keep track of). And look, I'm actually excited for Michelle's season and by that I mean I will scream and throw another TV out the window if she doesn't find happiness. 

See you all next week (please join me, don't make me do this alone)! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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