Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail having an existential crisis. Where did this french fry come from and did I take it from its potato family? What is potato, anyway?

Jk this is her reacting to producers telling everyone they'll have to evacuate the beach due to an incoming tropical storm. And it must be serious if it stops the fry eating. 

When they start evacuating, the couples act like they'll never see each other again. Seriously. Joe and Serena cant stop hugging and Kenny says "Who knows when I'll see Mari again." And it's like, you'll see her in 5 minutes because you're all being transported, together, to a different hotel to spend the night. 

Despite God clearly trying to cancel this season, they all return the next day. Blessed. Let's jump in!

"Definitely, probably should've gone a different route"

Ivan says this after Kendall (who he gave his rose to last week) decides to leave because she can't handle watching Joe and Serena fall in love. But I mean, the quote is also pretty applicable for Kendall who only decided to come to Paradise to see if things were really done with Joe (they were).

Before she leaves, Kendall has one last chat with Joe and I'm sorry but this is the screenshot fate gave us: 

She admits that she never stopped loving him and clearly isn't over him, to which Joe asks the MOST RATIONAL QUESTION EVER: "Why didn't you tell me any of this before Bachelor in Paradise?" I love how all of these people think that relationship decisions CAN ONLY be made in Paradise. He comforts her, but tells her that he came here because he knew it was completely over between them. And with that, they hug and Joe is left with his 3 favorite S's: Serena, Socks and Sandals.

But what about Ivan, who gave his rose to Kendall last week and has basically spent no time with anyone else?

"Ivan is kind of having a sad boy summer"

To recap, Ivan was dumped by Jessenia for Chris (barf), got a friend rose from Deandra (but didn't return the favor) and was most recently hanging out with Kendall, even though she loudly holds Grocery Store Joe Fan Club meetings every Monday. So he hasn't had the best time here. But that's not stopping him from desperately clinging onto any woman who breathes in his direction because how awful would it be to have to....GASP....leave the show and return to real life.

This week, right before the Rose Ceremony, he makes a last ditch effort with Chelsea, who has been coupled with Aaron since her arrival. 

Ivan tries to convince her (and maybe himself) that they have "something" since they MAKE EYE CONTACT SOMETIMES. Ohhhh, sexy sexy, wow not safe for TV, EYE CONTACT. In response, Chelsea smartly asks if he's even thought about her before this moment, when he is desperately seeking a rose. And he does some sort of fake laugh like "Omg, of course, this isn't because I want to stay another week in hopes of someone new arriving for me to get engaged to within a week." And I guess it's convincing enough for Chelsea because:

While this is happening, Aaron's carbon dioxide emissions are through the roof, like his mouth is never closing again.

He thinks Ivan basically lied to him earlier when he said he wasn't going to "steal anyone's rose," since he's now out here woo'ing Chelsea. What is this, BachLIAR in Paradise! (Please clap)

Anyway, things escalate and Aaron says he's going to "slap that stupid beard" off of Ivan's face and tbh that's kind of funny to say and imagine. They then stand super close together to exchange lip kit recommendations. 

Wouldn't be surprised if Aaron didn't attempt to fight because he looks like the type that HOPES to get into fights at bars. Guess we'll see next week!

But wait, back to Chelsea, she's having a pretty popular week because along with Ivan and Aaron fighting over her, she's also asked out on a date by one of the new guys, which by the way....

No Neck Ed and Demar are here

Both are from Tayshia's season (let's just stop calling it Clare AND Tayshia's season because it wasn't okay). You probably remember Demar for being a fun guy with a great smile and Ed for looking like a thumb.

They make the rounds, talking to a few of the women to help them decide who to ask on a date and during this, the motto of the season, "You were on my list," makes another appearance:

Maurissa tells Demar that he was the top person on her "list" and Demar says the same about her. I'm no dating expert, but any of these people with "lists" could to the people they're interested in, IN THE REAL WORLD? Like, everyone knows they're allowed to date and find love outside of a show, right. This isn't a Santa Claus situation, you don't have to make "lists," you can just.....message people on Instagram.

Anyway, this time the ol' list doesn't stir up any drama since Maurissa is happy with Riley. Demar ends up asking out Chelsea and Ed asks out Natasha and they go on a painting date that includes painting on canvases and also on each other (the typical BOGO deal). 

By the end of the date, it seems Natasha and Ed have formed a connection, maybe because Ed didn't spend 75% of the date screaming "MY BRENDAN???" but we'll have to see what happens next week.

Chicken nugget intermission

There are SO many chicken nuggets in this episode, which is the minimum amount that should be in every episode of every show and in my life forever. I'll just highlight my two favorite scenes and not even my favorite chicken nugget-specific scenes, I mean these are my favorite scenes of this entire season.

Aaron eating one regular serving size of nuggets:

And also, this PARTY TRAY of nuggets that I learned from Tia's Instagram were requested by Thomas for him and Becca to enjoy while bonding over photos of their dogs.

Honestly, looking at dog pics while eating a mound of chicken nuggets is my dream date. Only surpassed by looking at actual dogs in person while eating a mound of chicken nuggets.

Okay, back to business....

These two are definitely getting engaged, right

This week, the producers make Maurissa, I mean, Maurissa decides on her own to express concern about Riley not opening up to her more. She eventually sits down with Riley to talk through it and he starts off by telling her that she never has to worry about anyone taking him away from her (THIS MAN IS THE BEST MAN ON THE BEACH, OKAY). But Maurissa needs more, and by that, she means she needs him to cry.

Riley finally opens up more and tells Maurissa about the hard family situation he grew in after his parents divorced and how his dad essentially kept him and his brother away from his mom for a long time (you may remember him talking about this during Tayshia's season). 

At the end of their conversation, they say they're falling in love with each other and I think we can all agree that these two are the most likely to get engaged at the end of this?? And like, for real engaged, not like when I got "engaged" to a Crunchwrap Supreme on Facebook in 2007. A real engagement!

These two are definitely not getting engaged

After testing out everything on the buffet, Kenny has finally chosen CalaMari and they get a date card this week. Because it's been 3 minutes since the show reminded us that Kenny's "thing" is being naked (???), they spend the time eating tacos off of each other's naked bodies.

At one point, Mari rubs sour cream THROUGH HIS LEG HAIRS and it might be the most disgusting thing I've seen since my own reflection after a 50-episode binge of Love Island. Like, Kenny has a great bod and everything, but that doesn't mean I want to eat carnitas off of it. Who knows when this man last showered. He looks like he thinks getting rained on counts as showering.

After leg hair sour cream, they sit down to talk because, as Kenny puts it, "Engagement is around the corner soooo....we should probably talk?"

They both end up saying they're falling in love and Kenny admits this is the first time he's said it and oh, do you see, can you see, yep it's A RED FLAG. He says the last time he mentioned the word "love" was to his dog, so yeah this relationship is about as strong as cotton candy in water.

A bit of a love Tia'ngle (hehehehe)

As I've noted in several posts, I love Tia and she's one of my favorites from this tragic franchise, mostly because she laughs at her own jokes and makes faces like this:

Buuuut, it's also pretty clear that she is primarily attracted to selfish trash ass men (Arie, Colton, Kenny, etc.), which most recently includes this man whose name I refuse to commit to memory.

He looks like he smells like Axe and socks. But yeah, Tia is VERY into him because he has tattoos and makes out like he's stuffing an entire ice cream sandwich into his mouth at once, so the connection is very deep. But, this man has done literally nothing for her since their date and barely talks to her (omg love it, so sweet).

On the other hand, NY bro James is still pining after her and even sets up a little date for them with these little painted wooden blocks representing the cities they're from:

He clearly tells her how much he likes her and hopes to keep getting to know her, but Tia just isn't sure because I mean, who wants a man who is nice, thoughtful and clearly expresses his feelings?? I mean, especially when you can have a guy with a motorcycle who looks like he's a member of a Papa Roach cover band?

Anyway, because Tia is annoyed with what's his face, it's looking like she may end up giving her rose to the guy who actually made time to talk to her (a concept). Haha jk I hate this show, she'll obviously pick trash bag next week.

But I can't end things on a trash note, so let's wrap things up with some Noah'Gail....

They're not getting engaged, but they're adorable

This week, Noah sets up a date for Abigail that is clearly inspired by my chicken nugget date idea because they just relax in a hammock while eating a plate of fries. This is perfection. 

And that's it! The finale is in two weeks when, remember, the options are GET ENGAGED OR DIE TRYIN. Heads up that I'm not blogging the 3-hour episode next week because mama needs a break and I hate this season, but I'll back for the finale. Honestly can't wait for this chaotic season to come to a close so we can look ahead to brighter days, aka Michelle's season.

See you in two weeks! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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