Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Jessenia showing how I reacted to Jessenia dumping Ivan for this man I have never seen before ever.

Don't worry, we'll get into all of that. 

It's another double-episode week! There's lots of new (notable) people this week and plenty of new (stupid) drama, but one thing that has not changed is how much I hate the hold that this franchise has on me! Great! So let's jump in!

Two new arrivals I could not care less about

Fresh off of drinking all of the Busch Light in the fraternity basement's fridge and reading their favorite novel, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar," these two muppets show up on the beach with a double date card. You may remember Chasen (on the left) as not being able to spell the word orange and also only ever referring to Tayshia as a "smoke show." And you probably remember Chris as well nevermind you do not remember Chris because he was on Clare/Tayshia's season for shorter than the duration of a fart. 

They both arrive already knowing who they want to go on a date with — Chasen asks Deandra (who has been hanging out with Karl) and Chris asks Jessenia (who has been hanging out with hot Ivan). 

While they're on their date, we get voiceover of Ivan saying he's not worried about Chris and he can't imagine him and Jessenia "doing too much physically" and meanwhile, this is what they're doing:

Their date involves an "intimacy guru" and this XXXL bed where they practice kamasutra positions and other very standard things you do on a first date with people you met 35 seconds ago. Both of the women are then blown:

Omg blown on, what did you think I was saying. After sex poses and blowing, things progress and they take time to GASP get to know each other.

Chris is very upfront with Jessenia, telling her that he only came to Paradise to meet her and their time here is limited and he wants the make the most of it by building a connection with her. Again, love how these people talk like the end of the show means they aren't ever allowed to speak to each other again. Like, if we don't get engaged, I physically cannot wave to you when I see you in an Applebee's, sorry! Anyway, we also learn that Jessenia only came to meet two guys, Ivan and Chris, so wow honestly congrats girl on achieving your goals. Unfortunately for Ivan, things seem to quickly turn in Chris' favor as he and Jessenia bird feed each other strawberries while making out:

The four of them return to the beach like "Karl, who?" and "Ivan, who?" but I mean that doesn't necessarily mean Jess'van is over right?

"Our romantic relationship is done for now"

Oh okay nevermind, yeah so this is the end of the road for Jessenia and Ivan. 

Jessenia tells Ivan that he and Chris were the only guys on her "list" and based on Jessenia's 100% success rate with man lists, I have to wonder if I write a list with Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan and Shawn Mendes on it and stay at the beach, will these men just show up to fight over me. I'll report back.

She tells Ivan that he checks all of her boxes, but they're missing that "spark." And she feels she has that spark with Chris, but she needs to figure out if he checks all of her boxes. Ivan then asks the obvious question, what's more important, sparks or boxes? And to continue this conversation built on metaphors instead of being direct, Jessenia says that a spark can't be forced and she doesn't want to leave here regretting things and Ivan is like well Ivana go, so.

I know this isn't the right time, but um this is what happens when a man chooses to date a former beauty queen with flawless skin on a terrible reality show instead of just dating me who can easily eat family sized bags of Hot Cheetos in one sitting. Life lessons, you know.

The end of Jessenia and Ivan is solidified in this week's Rose Ceremony when Jessenia gives Chris her rose. But does that mean Ivan is going home?? Welllll.....

"Deandra found herself in a love triangle"

After she returns from the date, Karl pulls Deandra away to chat to remind her how much he likes her and also give her this charm bracelet he brought with him from Miami:

It has multiple charms on it, including a palm tree to represent meeting on the beach and a rose to represent how she'll always have his rose. Now, I've never been the biggest Karl fan because he speaks like he's reading from game show host cue cards from the 1980s, but this was so genuinely nice. And while he's having this moment with Deandra, this is what Chasen is doing:

This is after Karl asks Chasen for "just 90 seconds with Deandra" and Chasen is like okay cool, sure. But remember, Chasen cannot count over 9, so he assumes "90 seconds" is just the cursive way of saying "9 seconds" and basically creepily hovers over them for their entire conversation.

The point of all of this is I can't believe I'm defending Karl, but wow Chasen is really that big ass mosquito that will not leave you alone, huh. After seeing Karl give Deandra a gift, Chasen also gives her something after only knowing her for 3 hours — this gaudy necklace:

I don't know how this man doesn't stick to everything he walks near because he is so incredibly tacky. 

After receiving Chasen's random necklace from a grocery store toy vending machine, Deandra returns Karl's bracelet because she knows it's meaningful to him and she wants him to give it to someone who can reciprocate his feelings fully.

I don't say this often, but Demi sums it up perfectly when she says "Honestly, both of those pieces of jewelry were hideous, poor Deandra."

Deandra giving Karl his bracelet back before the Rose Ceremony leads us to believe she's leaning toward giving dumbass Chasen her rose, but we get clips of her being unsure about how genuine Chasen is (a word he def does not know). And in the best turn of events, she gives her rose to Ivan, to give him another chance to find love on the beach, effectively sending home both Karl and Chasen at the same time. Love to see it.

So while these two new guys have shaken things up, we can't forget that Riley was the first to do it and....

"It seems like Maurissa might be an item with Riley now"

Maurissa and Riley have been pretty inseparable since their date, so Connor (who sadly thinks he still has a shot) thinks he can win Maurissa's attention back by stepping his game up. And by "stepping his game up" he means wearing an outfit that he def bought from an Instagram ad:

Everyone cheers for Chicken (legs) when he walks out in this and it's like, that's how you know they're not his real friends. Letting this prison creamsicle think he looks good. 

He and his retirement community resort look find Maurissa to talk and he asks her if she would like to go on a date with him later that evening. This is her reaction:

AH HAHAHA, sorry but this is the universal sign for "I am more interested in this dirt under my nail than in listening to whatever it is you're proposing." She tells him that they'll just have to "see how the day goes," as if she has a packed schedule and back-to-back meetings. 

Later, while Connor is chatting with Tahzjuan by the pool, he finally realizes that Maurissa does in fact like Riley more than him:

Connor then spends the rest of the episode with his guitar and that summertime sadness, which I refuse to feature because we have to rid this show of men from Nashville trying to start their singing careers. Things are tragic enough as is.

With Maurissa newly coupled with Riley, Connor is obviously sent home roseless along with Karl and Chasen.

Cake cake cake cake

After Chasen arrives and chats with Mari for 3 minutes, she decides she needs to be able to have her cake and eat it too and there is a lot of cake on this beach. So she pulls Kenny aside and this conversation ensues:

Mari: I want to keep dating you, but also be free to date other guys if I want to
Kenny: The grass is not always greener on the other side
Mari: Yes but I want to see that grass, while also still having access to this grass
Kenny: Ummm okay so I'm going to be open to getting to know other people too
Mari: No no, that's not how this works. I am allowed to, you are not

Mari then confides in Demi, telling her that every new guy has pulled her to chat (humblebrag) and she wants to be able to accept a date if asked. And while this conversation is happening, I think we're all wondering — whose blurred out butt is this:

Demi is generally supportive, telling her "It's still so early, we should all be dating each other!" And she is being extremely genuine when she says this because she really does believe they should all be dating each other and by "they" and "each other" she means herself and Kenny. 

Since he and Mari are in a sort of undefined relationship status, Demi swoops in to take his mind off of it by asking Kenny if he thinks her breath smells garlicky.

They then start spending time together, culminating in Cake Gate 2021. Demi surprises Kenny with a cake and decorations to celebrate his 40th birthday, since he celebrated in quarantine.

You're probably wondering, okay well how does Mari feel about this? And anyway I'll let how she's staring at Abigail who is simply participating in singing "Happy Birthday" to Kenny speak for itself:

Oh and if it still isn't clear how Mari feels about this whole Demi and Kenny situation, here is some clarity:


After committing a heinous crime against an innocent cake and telling Demi she is Kenny's "second choice," Mari sits down to talk with Kenny again on this stained communal bed (this place is magical):

She says that he CLEARLY misunderstood what she said in their earlier conversation. While she said that she wanted to be able to date him and also any other guys, what she meant was she wants to be able to date him and any other guys AND he is not allowed to date anyone else. Phew, glad that's cleared up. Kenny tells her that they should both do what they want to do with who they want and can you believe this man won't just let Mari date him and any other guy she wants to without letting him do the same? Men these days.

Oh, but wait, Mari and Demi aren't the only ones vying for Kenny's attention because....


She was one of my favorites from Arie's season and has been on BIP before where she dated Colton who dumped her to become The Bachelor. So a very successful dating history so far.

After chatting with a few of the guys, she decides to ask out Kenny because he's tan, muscley and tattooed and that's Tia's "type," which is brand new information considering both of her exes look like boiled chicken. 

They walk to their date spot and bond over both being terrified of Demi before coming across this sign:

They're then approached by three people and asked to play a game of naked volleyball. And it's like duh, why else would they be out on this beach if not to play sports with random strangers with their nuts and berries out.

Tia agree to go topless if Kenny goes fully nude and the thing that would make me the most self conscious about this is how tiny my little black censor boob box would be. Like I would only need a speck.

After bouncing some balls around, they sit down to talk about what each of them is looking for in a relationship.

Kenny tells Tia about his history (lollll literally a week) with both Mari and Demi, but says he wants to keep getting to know her better because he's enjoyed spending the day with her. They kiss and while this happens, we get some terrifying voiceover of Demi saying "If Tia is trying to take my man, I will burn this beach down." So yeah, I guess this beach will be in flames next week.

But wait! There's even more turmoil in Paradise!

A villains love triangle

Tammy and her long 90s front bangs realizes there is a lot of drama happening on the beach and it's overshadowing her own evil efforts. So, after spending all of her time here with Aaron, she decides she now likes Thomas, who coincidentally enough is Aaron's "arch nemesis"  (okay, calm down). I find all of these people incredibly annoying so I'll cut to the point — Tammy makes out with Thomas in front of Aaron. Aaron is mostly upset because of the blow to his ego, not because he actually likes Tammy. Thomas and Aaron still hate each other. Aaron still can't breathe with his mouth closed. And scene.

Tammy ends up giving her rose to Thomas at the Rose Ceremony, but what about Aaron? Who will save him and keep him here to continue sucking all of the oxygen out of this beach?

The Bachelorette of Paradise

Becca arrives right before the Rose Ceremony and based on everyone losing their minds, Becca is the single bag of Doritos in this variety pack of chips. Since she has a rose, she gets to chatting with the single guys, obviously getting to Aaron who became single 18 seconds ago. He admits he has a major crush on her and getting a rose from her "would be absolutely biblical." Ah yes, just what the Lord wants, for Becca to be blessed with another douchebag. 

Because she has terrible judgement and taste in men (please refer to example A: Arie and example B: Garrett), she does end up giving Aaron her rose, but we'll see what happens when she's around his mouth breathing and BS for longer than 3 minutes.

Okay with all of this out of the way, let's check in with the other "strong" couples...

Brendan & Natasha

Brendan and Natasha are both gorgeous but wow they have about as much chemistry as my college transcript (zero, ya girl took Geology okay). And Natasha finally points that out this week:

She confides in guest host Lance Bass (who doesn't) that Brendan still hasn't kissed her and they seem to be stuck. Later though, they finally do share a kiss and you guessed it! It's about as passionate as me pressing a button in the elevator. Previews show Pieper showing up next week and I'm pretty sure that'll be the end of Bre'tasha.

Abigail & Noah

So these two have been the strongest of all the couples since day one as is evident in the lack of screentime they get since they're not dramatic and doing things like throwing delicious cakes in fires. For most of this week, we just get clips of them hanging out, with the most dramatic clip being when a bug flies in Abigail's nose:

Not sure if this is bug related, but Abigail starts to wonder if her "situationship" with Noah is a little too comfortable and easy to fall into. She eventually talks to Noah about this and he's completely surprised since everyone is obsessed with them as a couple. And as maybe one of the few serious chats they've had about their relationship, it would've been nice if Noah had, I don't know, sat up a little?  

Looking like he's about to take a nap. He says that he feels like he tries to take steps in their relationship, but Abigail doesn't reciprocate and Abigail asks if maybe they've become more like friends instead of a couple. This conversation is left hanging as Noah (finally) gets up to take a walk and "think about things."

Abigail then cries and admits she's self-sabotaging because it's not even like she wants to go on other dates or talk to any of these other dummies, but now she's made Noah doubt how much she likes him. And all I have to say about this is ABIGAIL IS THE ONE PERSON ON THIS GARBAGE SHOW WHO DESERVES HAPPINESS RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT. If this show does her dirty, I PROMISE YOU I WILL keep watching, it's unfortunate, but here we are.

Okay so our top couple from week one is on the rocks, what about the other one?

Joe & Serena

Joe gets a date card this week that says "It's time to fight for love," so he of course asks Serena and they proceed to have dinner in a wrestling ring.

If I got asked on a date in a wrestling ring and The Rock didn't show up, I'd be pissed, that's all I'm saying. 

Serena asks Joe if he did Paradise "YEARS ago" as if this show has been on since the 1900s and Joe tells her it was only two years ago and he's not THAT old. They then talk about Kendall (again, hmm I wonder why) and how Joe's relationship with her didn't work because she didn't want to leave her family and friends in LA and he wanted to live near his own family and friends in Chicago. He assures Serena that he has no romantic feelings whatsoever for Kendall and that even if she were to arrive, it wouldn't matter.

Which ha, "if" she were to arrive. This show is about as good at beating around the bush as me using a bat to beat around a bush because right before the episode ends, guess who shows up:

Obviously. Guess we'll see how Joe bags these groceries up next week. 

And one final note

The funniest person on the beach, Tahzjuan, decides to leave this week, but not before eating some delicious ass pasta. Tre actually left right before her, after telling her they weren't right for each other. Sad we won't have her one liners or random comments, but hope she'll be back for another season of pasta.

And that's it! In summary, every couple is in shambles and so is my life for watching four hours of this again. See you next week for four more hours! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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