Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 4)

This week's post is again brought to you by Jessenia, showing how I reacted to the IGNORANT BEHAVIOR BY THESE TRASH ASS MEN THIS WEEK:

There's a lot happening and it's become pretty clear that the producers just stir up as much shit as possible every week before throwing it all at the wall to see what sticks. But the thing to remember is, we have made a grave error by deciding to watch this because there is shit everywhere. So let's jump in!

This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.

Look, I can admit when I'm wrong and in the case of Brendan, I was very very very very wrong. I let his good ass face deceive me (not the first time, haha cries) because as we learned this week, sometimes the most poisonous snake slithers around unnoticed for a while because of its chiseled cheek bones (that's a saying, don't look it up). 

Following weeks of everyone being like "Brendan, we know you're waiting for Pieper" and him being like "No, I barely know her," Pieper shows up and he's immediately like "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, GIRLFRIEND." She barely introduces herself before using her date card on Brendan and I don't want to share any more screenshots of them than is needed, so anyway Becca and Maurissa's reactions perfectly capture the atmosphere when Pieper asks out Brendan in front of Natasha:

To summarize it all because it makes me want to throw my laptop out the window thinking about it: Brendan and Pieper were dating before coming on the show, they agreed to join the cast to boost both of their social media followings and Brendan did whatever he needed to in order to stick around until Pieper arrived — which primarily included lying to Natasha. 

Natasha (and all of us) knew about this all along, so after their date, she confronts Pieper about it to get her side, since she's already heard Brendan's dumb ass lies and yeah Pieper pretty much confirms everything.

She tells Natasha that they hung out A LOT before the show and now she basically considers him her boyfriend. Natasha tells her this all seems very calculated, like they're just in Paradise to be a "TV couple," to which Pieper defends herself by saying they're not a TV couple since "We don't vlog everything" WHICH COMPLETELY MISSES THE POINT HERE. AND ALSO WE KNOW YOUR DUMBASS IS GOING TO LAUNCH A COUPLE'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL AFTER THIS???? 

Anyway, Natasha then moves on for one last conversation with Brendan who we have established is one of the most garbage people to appear on this show, which is saying a lot considering this show is built on a foundation of garbage. She is truly one of the most patient and calm people on the planet, as she listens to this bottom dwelling man gaslight the hell out of her, all while maintaining this face:

He proceeds to tell her she must've had "selective hearing" when she brings up how he described his "casual" situation with Pieper. He also tells Natasha that he "clearly" told her that he had no romantic feelings for her and only gave her a rose to "find love with someone else" WHICH HE DID NOT DO AND WE HAVE PROOF OF BECAUSE THIS IS A TV SHOW??? HE IS LITERALLY TRYING TO GASLIGHT US AS VIEWERS TOO??? She deserves a medal and every prize in the world for not ripping his entire beard off his face. 

But wait, to really ensure we know this man deserves to step on Legos all day and never be able to experience the relief of a sneeze, Brendan says that Natasha had "no other prospects" and he did her a favor by giving her a rose. I cannot emphasize enough how much I want to fling this entire man directly into the sun. 

What's more annoying is these two bing bongs think they're pulling off some MASTER SCAM when really they're doing that thumb magic trick, you know where you bend your thumb and make it look like you're disconnecting it. After all of this goes down, Brendan and Pieper hang out by the pool and seem to forget they're wearing microphones because as we've established, they are stupid. They talk in detail about their social media followings and Brendan notes that it'll be "so great" when the show airs because Pieper's name is said so many times before her arrival. And she thanks him for doing the "heavy lifting" before she arrived so she could just "swoop in" and dear God can someone or something swoop in and kick these people off this show forever, thanks.

Concluding this section by again saying that Brendan is Satan and more importantly...


But wait, it's BOGO on trash

As a reminder this is Chris who none of us remember since he got 15 seconds of screentime during Katie's season. He arrived last week and told Jessenia he was only here for her, leading her to end things with Ivan since Chris was the other guy on her "list." Welllll turns out Chris has a list too and it doesn't just include Jessenia's name. We find out who this other person is during the "VIP" party thrown by new guest host Tituss Burgess for *some* of the group, hosted in I guess a high school cafeteria:

When the group walks in, someone says it "looks like a club," which isn't entirely false since this looks like where the French Club could host a weekly meeting when the library is booked. 

Tituss surprises everyone by welcoming four new women to the party — Alayah (from Peter's season), Chelsea (the model from Matt's season), McKenna (the dramatic influencer from Peter's season) and some girl I have never seen before in my life named Alana (allegedly from Matt's season). These women may get invited to join the cast if they "form a connection" with someone during the party and anyway I'll let Deandra's reaction speak for all of us:

Right so I guess Alana and Chris have hung out before and bonded over literally no one knowing who the hell they are and Alana is the other person on Chris' "list." And surprise surprise, Alana is only here for Chris, what a coincidence.

Approx 30 seconds after Alana's arrival, Chris is like "Jessenia who?" because he is trash.

Jessenia finally makes him have a conversation after seeing him try to Walking Dead eat Alana's face off and he tells her that there's "something missing" from their TWO-DAY LONG relationship and he thinks he can get that from Alana. I really can't scream enough how much we need to take some of these inconsiderate, rude ass men and crumple them up and toss them into garbage cans full of old bananas.

Jessenia leaves the party early and returns to the beach and tells everyone about the new arrivals and the Chris and Alana situation (which Deandra accurately describes as "a little Brendan and Pieper'y).

I know it's hard to tell what's going on here since there's like 18 elbows in the pic, but the women all come around Jessenia to comfort her.

The next day, Alana of course arrives on the beach with a date card and immediately asks out Chris and I can't decide whose reaction is best — Tammy and Jessenia like "wtf really" or Abigail completely ignoring this nonsense.

Also yes, Alana pulls the exact same move that Pieper did with Brendan, aka they planned on dating in Paradise and it's like damn girl find your own villainous thing to do. 

After moping around all morning because he truly believes he is the victim here because, I mean, it's not his fault he's so popular, Chris emerges to tell everyone that he's going to "follow his heart" and go out with Alana.

And ya'll, the way the entire group responds like "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU" absolutely sent me.

I'm not detailing any of the date between these two people who had a combined screentime of 90 seconds before Paradise because approx zero of us care. Plus, we need to get to what's more important:

After this date between two nobodies, Grocery Store Joe, Riley and Riley's biceps join Jessenia and Maurissa in addressing Chris' ignorant behavior. Riley tells Chris that he has "no honor" and it's clear he's only here for clout since he was sent home from The Bachelorette in the first episode (lollllll a hilarious and factual burn). At one point, Alana tries to butt in like, "Does anyone want to hear my side?" and Jessenia answers for all of us:

Chris looks like he's on the verge of tears the entire time, which is indeed something I enjoy. After going off on him about how he lied, the group finally tells him he needs to GTFO and for the first time this season, a man listens to instructions. He AND Alana leave since everyone hates them. 

The way the group so quickly came together to kick out this couple who clearly schemed their way here is great, but ummmm I think someone has a question:

Where was this immediate action when Brendan revealed he was Satan and acted even worse than Chris?? Hoping he gets hurled into the sea in next week's episode.

Wow. That was a lot of hot trash, so I guess we should talk about the other random crap that happened in the 15 minutes not dedicated to Brendan or Chris being scumbags.

Is there like 40 women on the show now

As a reminder, Kendall arrived at the end of last week. If you don't remember, Kendall is from Arie's season (vomit) and is what you get when you mix every "quirky girl" TV character (yes I'm talking about Zooey Deschanel in New Girl) into one person. 

She's only here for Joe because she feels they didn't have any real "closure" after their breakup, so yeah the place to get that is def on TV. He tells her that he doesn't mind talking with her, but he's been hanging out with Serena and he likes where it's going. Which, speaking of Serena, he chats with her after and wow the chemistry, just off the charts:

Joe tells Serena that he really likes her and she is his primary focus, but he may talk to Kendall more for "closure." She tells him that if he decides at any point that he wants to get back together with Kendall, he needs to clearly let her know because she doesn't want to "be involved in a messy situation." And like, look around you girl, there is spaghetti sauce and confetti everywhere, this is already messy.

My guess is Kendall will stick around until the next Rose Ceremony when Joe gives Serena his rose.

Quick break for some goodness

Abigail and Noah make up after their first "fight" last week and um heavy emphasis on those air bunnies because I still don't really understand what it was about. Heavy is the head that wears the crown as they agree to continue being the show's power couple.

Why do so many women like Kenny??

After telling Kenny that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too and then seeing Kenny share his cake with two other women, Mari realizes she needs to reel this cake train back in. She tells Kenny that she's had a sudden epiphany and only wants to focus on him and building their relationship. He tells her he won't just jump right back in with her except jk, he says he would leave with her today if he could.

He then breaks it off with Demi, who is upset because he told her the door was shut with Mari. Buuuut guess he didn't clarify that all of the windows and the garage door were wide open for her, so.

He doesn't even talk to Tia about it, but also I don't think she actually cares. She's just here to get some sun and hang out with her best friend.

I love Tia, but pretty sure she'll be out of here at the next Rose Ceremony. But as for Becca....

Why do so many women like Thomas??

Becca gets a date card and uses it to ask out Tall Thomas because based on her history (Arie and Garrett), she only dates men covered in red flags. 

I guess this date takes place inside a Christmas ornament store. 

But wait, didn't Becca give Aaron her rose last week? Why didn't she ask him out? Wellllll.....

Mouth Breather goes out with Chelsea

Chelsea, the model from Matt's season who was also at the "VIP" party, arrives with a date card and asks out Aaron. It's actually for the best that he gets away from the group for a bit so the oxygen can be replenished. They have a nice time and Aaron returns to learn that ANOTHER woman has left him for Thomas (lolololol).

And that's it! We'll see what happens with the Rose Ceremony next week, but I think we can all agree that best case scenario is someone punches Brendan in the throat. Fingers crossed!

See you for that! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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