Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Jessenia, Demi and Maurissa perfectly illustrating what it looks like when girls hang out with their best friends to talk shit about men:

Partially reclined, but in a way that doesn't crease your hair and on the verge of falling asleep, a form that is only saved for your closest circle.

We've only got one episode this week because God answers prayers, so let's jump in!

"No one wants you here anymore"

After kicking out Chris and Alana last week, the group reaches the final boss level of douchebag men: Brendan. Natasha reminds everyone that what Brendan did was....way worse....but no one has said anything because they all like him, whereas they were quick to kick Chris out because no one liked him (HAHA still getting burned even though he's gone). So with that small bathroom trash taken out, Joe's like let's go girls, we're taking out the big, smelly trash in the kitchen full of moldy Brendan-dan noodles.

Brendan and Pieper admit that they came only for each other, saw each other the night before Brendan left for Paradise, hung out a ton, got married and have a house, have vials of each others blood buuuuuut neither of them posted a couple's pic to Instagram, so it's not like they were official okay. And Paradise was a chance for them to explore their relationship, haha jk they're clearly here for a free vacation.

The group calls them both terrible until eventually Brendan says he's "removing himself from this" and Maurissa quickly follows up with...."FROM PARADISE ORRRRR??" 

And I'm only sad the group didn't have tomatoes and mashed potatoes to throw at him as he walked away.

Now at this point, Brendan has burst out of his human disguise and is fully Ursula'ing out. We get a clip of him saying that "Joe and a mob of disgruntled females" came after him, probably because they're "jealous" and OF COURSE THIS TRASH BAG REFERS TO WOMEN AS "FEMALES." DEAR GOD PREPARE THE SLINGSHOT, WE'RE FLINGING HIM TO THE SUN NOW. 

Eventually, Brendan "decides" to leave, making some big speech about how he's choosing Pieper and this isn't the "right place" for them as if everyone didn't just tell him that they hate him. And with that, he rides his gaslighting fumes on out of here. Meaning Joe is 2 for 2 with taking out the trash! This is reassuring for Serena to know that he understands how to complete basic household tasks.

With the trash taken out, let's check on the rest of the beach...

Still toe'in strong

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Maurissa whips up a date with Riley where they select random pieces of paper from a bowl that have different body parts written on them for them to eat whipped cream off of. I totally get the "sexy" aspect of this because I've seen Varsity Blues, but listen, does anyone really want to eat lukewarm dairy off of someone's sweaty and sandy beach body? I guess so, because Maurissa ends up eating whipped cream from Riley's big toe.

Right before this, he was wearing SHOES WITH NO SOCKS, so there's def some extra flavoring here. 

Big toe aside, I think they're the sweetest couple, though previews seem to show a new arrival going after Maurissa, so we'll see! In the meantime, lets enjoy their Lady and the Tramp moment:

Ivan looks so sad to be eating his pasta alone, so I'm on way to carb load.

"Tammy is having the worst birthday ever"

Last week, Thomas, who stole Tammy away from Mouth Breather Aaron, went on a date with Bachelorette in Paradise Becca and they really hit it off. So ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Tammy pulls him away to chat aka confirm she's getting his rose and um yeah without any context I think you can assume this face is not the face of a man about to give you his rose:

First off, Tammy tells Thomas that he's her best friend??? Which what??? You literally met this man a week ago?? You really don't have any other best friends?? Anyway, he proceeds to tell her that he has feelings for Becca and he's not sure he can picture himself being with Tammy for the long run outside of Paradise. So, he essentially dumps her. Right before the Rose Ceremony. AND FYI IT'S HER BIRTHDAY. She is eventually sent home roseless ON HER BIRTHDAY, but she does get to enjoy this little birthday cupcake in the car:

And tbh that frosted cupcake topped with a strawberry probably provided more satisfaction than any of these men, so who's the real winner here.

Along with Tammy, the other women sent home are Jessenia (who broke things off with Ivan to pursue Chris and that was a bust), Deandra (who had two guys pursuing her last week, but gave a friendship rose to Ivan and didn't get one in return) and Demi (who wasn't able to keep Kenny away from Mari).

And a special rose was given by Paradise bartender Wells to....


Following Brendan's reveal that he's one of those fugly fish from the deepest parts of the ocean, you know, the ones with underbites and lamps hanging out of their heads, Natasha hasn't had any time to form a connection with any other men, so she's pretty worried heading into the ceremony.

But (maybe future permanent host??) Wells surprises her with a rose, telling her that she deserves another shot at love, a real one. And honestly, that's the least this trash ass franchise can give her.

And that second shot at love arrives on the beach the next day:

That's right, Dr. Joe from Tayshia/Clare's season still clinging onto that wack ass hairstyle that is only appropriate for Devin Sawa in 1997. He uses his date card to ask out Natasha, which is promising because he's known for being a nice guy and he has an actual job and *bonus* knows the difference between their/they're/there. 

Their date takes place in what appears to be the closet of a party venue, just full of extra stacked glasses and a giant decorative margarita. 

Which, speaking of giant, they drink big ass margaritas (the only correct serving size) that Joe actually swaps because Natasha's has a bug in it. Him doing this is probably the kindest thing a man has done on this beach so wow the bar is in fact low. Oh, but wait, it can't be that easy.

Natasha shares what her experience in Paradise has been like and how Brendan almost ruined all of it for her. OH AND FYI BRENDAN AND JOE ARE BEST FRIENDS (the flags, they are very very red). Knowing they're friends, she asks if Joe knew Brendan was dating Pieper before and umm this is the face of a man WHO KNOWS his friend is a dog, but wants to cover for him:

Joe says that he didn't know if they were "dating dating" (lollll great lying) before repeatedly yelling "MY BRENDAN?" as if he doesn't know "his" Brendan is a jerk. Natasha immediately catches onto his protect-Brendan-at-all-costs vibe and is like lemme see if I can nap my way on out of here:

From this moment on, it's like we get a totally different Joe. He goes from being thoughtful and eloquent to sounding pretty dumb while REPEATEDLY exclaiming "MY BRENDAN??" which is proof that Brendan really is a disease that can negatively impact people in a variety of ways. Speak with your doctor about the best treatment options.

I think it's safe to say Joe'Tasha won't be going the distance, so we'll see who arrives next week for Natasha instead.

I have never seen this man before in my life

This rando also arrives this week with a date card and I have to ask, is this show just picking random men off the street? I've never heard of "Blake" before even though he claims to be from Clare's season. 

Anyway, he chats with Natasha and Tia, but it's pretty clear he and Tia have the most chemistry as she says he is "exactly" her type and she refers to him as "tatty daddy" (ew). I guess that's her only requirement. Tattoos. 

Oh and by the way, Tia is newly coupled up with finance bro prototype (and dick-in-a-box) James, who said he was excited for the first time to be getting to know someone here. So yeah, he and his extra long tank top are less than thrilled to see Blake possibly interested in Tia:

Blake of course ends up asking out Tia and they head out for a day of four wheeling and sitting on a randomly placed bench next to a plate of fruit that neither of them will eat. During their chat, Tia admits she feels extremely comfortable with Blake and it's like they already have a strong connection even though this is the first time they've met. Blake agrees and they both say they can ALREADY see this working outside of the show and like, what, how? This is the first conversation you've had? Shouldn't you wait to find out if he has any toxic traits like owning Ed Hardy hats?? 

They end the date by making out under a shower in the rain (I don't have the brainpower to comment further on the stupidity of this, okay):

While they're taking a shower in the rain, James is back on the beach being sad with his best bro Aaron:

Huge thank you to Aaron for actually closing and covering his mouth to allow the camera crew more oxygen to breathe. James is pretty sure that Tia will come back all happy with Blake and they're both then like, what are we doing wrong here? And um, I don't know, maybe constantly only hanging out with each other and not spending time forming connections with the other people here? Just a wild guess. Since the women have roses next week, I'm pretty sure James will be heading home.

Speaking of heading home....

Why is Kendall still here??

While we got no footage of it happening, Ivan and Kendall formed enough of a connection for him to give her his rose this week. And obviously, I enjoy Ivan, but he's also stupid for thinking Kendall has any interest in pursuing a relationship with him when she's constantly wearing a t-shirt that says "I HEART JOE." Near the end of this week's episode, we get this shot of her sitting on the beach at sunset like she's Ariel, so clearly something is afoot (hehehe).

And the thing that is afoot is Joe and Serena' relationship, which is going pretty well. Joe sets up a little date for them and by "date" I mean a production assistant places a blanket on the ground with lamps.

Why this man continues to wear socks on the beach is beyond me. He must have disgusting claw like toes or something. Anyway, during beach blanket time, Joe and Serena both admit they're falling in love and it's all cute and sweet and yeah anyway, Kendall is literally staring at them from 2ft away, so not the cutest experience for her. She's so affected, she can't even pretend to be interested in kissing Ivan:

Poor Ivan. Honestly at this point, he should consider leaving the beach and marrying me, it's the best option, I think we can all agree.

The episode ends with Kendall walking away, but we don't know if she's leaving leaving. But I mean, her ex is falling in love, I think it's probably best that she scoots on home. 

And that's it! I'm so tired of this show! I would like to stop watching, please help me! But okay see you next week. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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