Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail carrying three drinks at once:

Honestly, the way women have evolved to be able to carry 400 things in our hands at once because designers keep creating pants for us that DO NOT HAVE POCKETS is amazing.

Anyway, 3 drinks is the minimum serving of alcohol you need to get through this show, which by the way, we're getting TWO episodes of per week now. That's four hours of sweaty beach content, I have many regrets, so let's jump in.

"Those poor girls, I'm gonna steal all of their men"

Demi arrives because she's been single for a whole year (after being engaged) and that's like 35 years in this show's time. In a surprise to no one with eyes, she immediately hones in on Brendan. I don't blame her because if I showed up on this beach and he was there, I'd climb right on top of Brendan's....altar to propose (oh my god what did you think I was going to say). Oh also, to be clear, I'm interested in Brendan's banana:

This actual banana, omg again what did you think I was talking about, I love potassium okay.

They spend the afternoon jet skiing because that's the best way to talk to someone you've just met. Afterwards, they ignore beach charcuterie (beach coot), which is pretty impressive because honestly in this photo, I don't know what I want more — Brendan or that prosciutto wrapped around a mozzarella ball: 

Brendan makes it clear that this was a nice day, but he plans to continue talking to other women because it is literally only day two of this show. To which Demi responds:

She tells him she's "the cream of the crop," but I guess Brendan is lactose intolerant (same bb), so she's very shocked that this man she just spent 15 minutes with isn't instantly in love with her.

Back at the ranch, "Rumors" by Lindsay Lohan is blasting on the speakers as word spreads that Brendan was dating Pieper (from Matt's season) before coming on the show and is possibly holding out for her. And like, who cares? Once they've been on the show, these people only date each other, so it's not like the dating pool is that deep (I mean that in so many ways).

That night, Brendan does damage control, mostly with Natasha.

He clarifies that he was only "hanging out" with Pieper and had fun with her, but they're not in a relationship. He adds that he's never had serious conversations like he's had with Natasha, with Pieper, and he feels the strongest connection with her. 

And do I believe him? Yes. Do I think he'll pursue Pieper if (when) she arrives? Yes. Would I let this smokin' hot man play with my emotions? Absolutely, here are the playing instructions.

"I just want a rose": James edition

As a reminder, James was the dick-in-a-box from Katie's season and while I compared him to the evil food critic from Ratatouille before, I now realize he looks more like a puffed up Justin Bieber. Like Bieber is a popcorn kernel and James is the actual popcorn. Anyway, realizing a Rose Ceremony is coming up and the guys have the power, Victoria P. realizes she hasn't secured a rose, so she sets her static electricity brows on James:

Sorry but I will never get onboard with this splayed out brows look. It is a crime. 

She gets to work woo'ing him, which is really drawn out and in-depth and jk look at this man, he def does bicep curls while staring at himself in the mirror. She simply tells him she finds him attractive and with that, he decides she's a great match for him. During her interview she also admits that while she feels a connection with James, she doesn't get "chills," but hey she needs a rose and he's got one, so. 

Also, for the life of her, she cannot remember his name. She either forgets or refers to him as "Jordan" because he "looks like a Jordan." So as you can tell, Victoria has really grown and matured since her bullshitting days on Peter's season.

While James/Jordan and Victoria spend more time together, Tammy realizes that it's been two whole days and she has yet to use her giant wooden spoon and pot to stir up some drama and this will not do.

She tells James that Victoria actually has a boyfriend back home and she's only on BIP to have a dramatic breakup with a guy so cameras will follow her home to Nashville where her wannabe country singer boyfriend can get on TV. Kelsey confirms that Victoria was dating someone, which she knows because she also lives in Nashville and I guess relationships are put into a giant book for everyone to reference in that city. 

James/Jordan then decides to confront Victoria with this news and she's like:

Love that Victoria looks like when you ask a toddler if they ate your cookie and they say no while actively eating your cookie. This conversation then ensues:

James: Do you have a boyfriend back home
Victoria: I don't understand the question
James: Why didn't you mention this "ex" boyfriend when we were talking about past relationships?
Victoria: Omg sorry reception is so bad, I can't hear you
James: I would've appreciated if you told me

I can't decide what's worse, Victoria's eyebrows or her lying. She ultimately decides to leave because everyone is being so rude and won't let her openly lie to a man to be on TV longer. And as she leaves, she says "I don't have to search for what I already have back home" as if it's some big reveal and not like we just watched her lie come out in real time.

Now with one woman who was only interested in James for his rose out of the way, two other women pick up the torch:

In the end, James, who has gotten more airtime in this one episode than the entirety of Katie's season, picks Demi. 

And what I cannot emphasize enough is how much I do not care about any of these people. But you know who I do care about...

Ivan & Jessenia

Jessenia gets a date card and asks Ivan to join her since they've been spending the most time together and also because he is the best man on the beach and she's a great decision maker.

They have an actual conversation of substance (something that only happens about twice per season) as she tells him how much it stood out to her that he had serious, thoughtful conversations with Tayshia about race. She then explains how after her season, she endured a lot of racist comments online, so deciding to come back to Paradise was difficult, but now she's glad she did.

Ivan, who unlike 98% of these men, is capable of listening to a woman, absorbing what she's saying, comprehending it and then responding thoughtfully (A CONCEPT), tells her that he realizes how different and difficult the experience of this show is for the women compared to the men. But he's also glad she's here aaaaand he'll definitely be giving her his rose this week. They end the date by making out in the pool, which for any other couple is stupid, but for them is sweet.

I can't actually picture either of them with any of these other cockatoos, oh except, Ivan would make the perfect couple with this one person I know named me. It is me. But until I show up on the beach, I guess this coupling is great.

When you realize you'll have to actually talk to one of these men

With a Rose Ceremony looming, Serena suddenly realizes that her hoops' screentime may be in jeopardy because she has talked to literally zero of the men. We soon learn that she's only interested in pursuing Aaron and so she puts her best hoop forward and goes after him:

She makes up some terrible rap and then they makeout. Unfortunately, this random, out-of-the-blue makeout session isn't enough to change Aaron's mind and he still gives his rose to Tammy's annoying ass. Which speaking of...

The first Rose Ceremony

Sharing this because look how genuinely happy Abigail is to get a rose from Noah. I've already mentioned a few of the first Rose Ceremony's decisions and there's basically no surprises. And tbh most of these couples will not stay together because it's only been two days. But after this first ceremony, Champagne Girl Kelsey and Best Hoops Serena are sent home along with Goddess-girl-is-annoying Victoria (YAY!). 

But now with this first Rose Ceremony out of the way, it's ladies choice next week meaning we're about to get some extra vitamin D (hehehe) on this beach. But first it's....

Time for a new host

Lance Bass of course arrives as "It's Gonna Be Me" plays because this is how I assume he arrives to most places. This also means we won't have to deal with David Spade's creeper peach fuzz anymore, so things are already on the up and up! 

Okay, back to the newest doses of vitamin D...

Remember how Thomas is really tall

Thomas shows up honestly I think because Mouth Breather Aaron, Puffed Up Bieber and Tre cannot stop talking about him. Unlike Kate Winslet in Titanic, when these guys say they'll never let go, they mean it. And they soon learn that if you say Thomas' name three times every three minutes (like they do), he just magically appears. And despite literally no one asking, they've already spread the word about their 1-star Yelp review of Thomas, which doesn't exactly set the best stage for his arrival.

After chatting with all of the women, Thomas decides to use his date card to ask out Serena, which sends Joe back into his downward sock spiral:

That's right, he puts on those stupid thong-level-of-material socks and begins crying that he's going to lose Serena to a new guy like he lost Kendall and he'll probably be going home soon. 

Meanwhile, Serena and Tall Thomas ride on a banana boat before sitting down for some beach coot to mostly talk about why the guys' Burn Book has pictures of Thomas throughout it.

Thomas says that Aaron hates him because he interrupted him one night while he was talking to Katie and drama spiraled from there. And Tre was his best friend in the house, but he isn't "emotionally strong." Serena listens to all of this, but you can tell she's skeptical of him in general. They still kiss because why not he's tall and hot, before walking back to join the group.

Mostly including this to illustrate THIS MASSIVE SIZE DIFFERENCE??? Like Serena could fully fit inside of Thomas. Like, he could comfortably cradle her like a baby.

Anyway, despite Joe spending the entire afternoon listening to Lana Del Rey and all but packing his bags to leave, Serena lets him know that she's not feeling Thomas and is still into him and his red Adidas slides the most.

Joe immediately responds like "Oh yeah of course, I wasn't worried" even though she can see he's cried on every communal beach cushion in a 10-mile vicinity.

Now with no women interested in Thomas, he decides to focus on getting the guys to stop hating him because it's really cramping his 6'6" style.

He apologizes to all of them, saying he recognizes how selfishly shitty he was before specifically apologizing to Aaron and Tre. And what I need to point out is how even in this unclear screenshot I can tell that Aaron's mouth is open. Almost every time he's onscreen, he looks like this:

That mouth is ALWAYS open, whether he's talking or mouth breathing or mouth breathing while talking. You will not convince me that this man does not snore.

Okay back to Thomas apologizing, Mouth Breather tells him that he's still going to avoid him for the most part, but hopes to see it in Thomas' actions that he's changed. Tre essentially forgives him and everything is peaceful for approx 2.5 minutes before Serena tells Tre that Aaron said he was emotionally weak. And that concludes the rekindling of their friendship that lasted for all of one mouth breath. 

These ding dongs keeping this Thomas drama going is so stupid. It's also laughable that any of them are still mad that Thomas admitted being on The Bachelorette is a good platform because IT CLEARLY IS SINCE ALL OF THEM ARE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE??? LIKE THEY ALL BENEFITED FROM BEING ON THE BACHELORETTE?? I HATE THIS SHOW.

But okay, let's get to a less dramatic new arrival....

Remember how I love Riley

Riley and his big heart and even bigger biceps show up on the beach and despite him being the one person Tahzjuan wanted to meet here, he decides to use his date card to ask out Maurissa.

Their date takes place inside the Beast's mansion (like Beauty & the Beast):

You can clearly see Lumière there in the middle, there's no fooling me. I'm not falling for that again.

Anyway, this part of the date features Lance Bass asking them increasingly more personal questions and they can either choose to answer or eat something from this assortment:

After a few rounds of questions and with cow tongue and tripe on both of their breaths, the romance levels are just off the charts and like who can resist making out:

They do actually sit down to an actual dinner later and bond over being family-oriented. Maurissa says that she is someone who needs reassurance in a relationship and Riley very sweetly tells her she has a great soul and he can give her that reassurance she needs.

While Maurissa and Riley are quickly becoming a couple, do you remember who Maurissa was coupled up with 15 minutes ago?

That's right, Chicken. And he's back to plucking on his ukulele while singing (I think?) the same song he sang on Katie's season. And I really cannot screech this enough — please stop allowing men to sing on this show. Please. Unless Shawn Mendes decides to walk on the beach one season, we have to forbid it.

Oh right, but even though Connor is sulking around the beach and singing sad songs, he says he's "not worried at all" about Maurissa, even though she is literally about to get engaged to Riley. I think it's safe to say that at the next Rose Ceremony, this chicken will be out of cluck.

And while we're on the topic of food....

What I wanted to eat this week

Serena ignores these shrimp lettuce wraps AND SIDE OF GUACAMOLE while talking to Jessenia about Thomas. I mean, star of the entire episode if I'm being honest.

And that's it! Our first 4-hour week, we did it y'all. I'm off to take a nap or maybe read a book because I've only been watching Love Island UK or BIP and there's no way that can be healthy.

See you next week! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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