Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by Katie somehow expressing both her "whatevs-I-got-engaged-to-whoever-was-left" mentality and also my "dear-God-how-did-I-make-it-through-another-season" realization.

As is the norm for these finales, we jump between the actual episode and live interviews, so before we can jump into seeing how the actual season ends, the show makes Katie endure a recap of the men who dumped her. And like, that all just happened a minute ago, I don't think we or Katie need the reminder, but thanks producers! Kindness always!

After this unnecessary highlight reel, Katie says that back-to-back guys leaving made her question herself and this "whole thing" because after all, this is the BACHELORETTE, meaning the woman is supposed to be sending the men home. But as is always the case, these men simply cannot follow instructions. 

Okay, now that the show has reminded Katie how sad she was, let's get to seeing how sad she was.

When you're sad, but not makeup free sad

Greg's floppy haired dumbass left yesterday, so Katie wakes up feeling very hurt and sad.

Not that anyone asked, but I too wake up with perfect hair and makeup when I'm feeling hurt and sad. I never wake up surrounded by Doritos crumbs with a puffy face from crying into a large pizza. Never, not me. Only full hair and makeup.

So with Greg gone, what happens now? Please remember that Katie very explicitly said Greg was her #1 in a multitude of ways last week and now that he's left, that must mean she'll cancel the rest of this season right? HA, wrong, that's not how love works, silly! There's a waiting list for dinner at Katie's Engagement, so let's see who's next on the list. 

You were my third choice, but now I love you

Before Katie can update Blake on why her Facebook relationship status has changed so many times in the past week (omg remember the emotional toll of relationships statuses), they go on a date to reenact a scene from 10 Things I Hate About You:

After stealing this date idea, the show then gives us something uniquely patented by the Bach world:

That's right, the ol' wooden hot tub placed in a location that a hot tub does not naturally grow in. 

While they stew in dirty paintball water, Katie talks about how both Michael and Greg left and how she REALLY liked them both and how sad it makes her that they're gone. Here she is just imagining a life with them while sitting in a hot tub with Blake:

Now that Katie has run over Blake's heart with a bus, she's like wait let me back up and ensure I got it good. She says that after Greg left, she almost quit. But then she decided to stay because why not, free stay at a resort (she maybe didn't say that, who knows). Instead of asking questions because wtf is this situation, Blake instead responds by asking Katie if his breath feels hot:

If I had to witness this, you do too because we're in this together. Also, you think Katie talking about being in love with other guys is going to scare Blake away? He is here to get engaged to a Bachelorette, any Bachelorette!

Later at dinner, Blake says he understands how what happened with Greg and Michael made her doubt herself and this "journey" and that he would never tell her he was falling in love with her and then walk away.  

He adds that there's a small handful of people he shares that word with — his mom, dad, Clare, Tayshia and soon Michelle, BUT THAT'S IT. And during his hometown date, when they were playing hockey and Katie "scored a goal" and then yelled "Go America!" that's when he realized he loved her (wow, I really do not understand love).

Katie says she only intended to say "I love you" to one man this season and well, that guy left, and then that other guy left too, so anyway she tells Blake she loves him too.

Love that this is the face she makes while telling him she loves him. You can almost hear the question mark just looking at this, right. She looks like I do when someone asks if I did my taxes right.

They then retire to the Fantasy Suite to eat what appears to be stacks of Canadian bacon (calm down I know they're macarons, but wouldn't it be funnier if it was Canadian bacon):

Katie says "There's nothing I've ever wanted more than this adventure with Blake." Which I believe, except jk we know she wanted an adventure with Michael or Greg, but they left, so hey third choice in this adventure aint bad! 

The next day, post-Fantasy Suite, Kaitlyn visits Katie who admits that her heart "officially belongs to Blake." And Kaitlyn is like "Ummm yeah, you know Justin is still here right" and Katie looks at her like she just asked if she knows who the muffin man is:

Since Katie just apparently learned that Justin is still here, guess that means it's.....

Time to break up with Justin

Honestly Justin should've known something was up when she didn't greet him by jumping into his arms to koala straddle him. And instead of her Toddlers and Tiaras curls, she's sporting straight hair to signal he's heading straight home.

She really does get straight to the point, telling him that she loves Blake and I guess when you're in love with one person, you're not allowed to date someone else, so Justin has to go. She says this is very hard for her, but I mean, I think this is probably harder for Justin....who is being dumped.

He reiterates how great of a person she is and that he hopes Blake understands that and doesn't take her for granted before hugging her and leaving.

During his live interview, he asks Katie if she kept him around "by default" and she reassures him that he was there for a reason (still unclear if she knows what that reason was, maybe to eventually appear on BIP). 

We wrap up Justin's time with an amazing montage of his best facial/brow expressions from this season.

And look, let's be honest. Justin and Katie had zero chemistry. However, if he's two hydrogen atoms, I'm an oxygen atom and I'm ready to get our covalent bond going to make water (I AM SCIENCE). 

"What makes you want the beard?"

Through a series of voluntary and involuntary exits, we're down to one Blake and it's time for him to meet Katie's family. And for this, they convene around our most special guest, the pizza oven:

Ahead of meeting them, Blake is VERY nervous and as it turns out his nerves are correct because Katie's mom and aunt are about to tear that ass up (her aunt is the one who refers to him as "the beard").

During their chat, Katie's aunt kicks things off by just kicking Blake right in the balls. With that out of the way, this conversation ensues:

Aunt: What made you want to come on Katie's season after flunking out of two prior Bachelorette seasons?
Blake: *spontaneously combusts*
Aunt: You ultimately mean nothing, you're here because we want you here, not because we need you here 

So anyway, I think their conversation goes pretty well. Her aunt is definitely onboard.

Next, it's mom's time and she asks Blake if he's ready to propose. Based on his facial expression, this is apparently the first time Blake is hearing that this show culminates in an engagement, despite the fact that this is his third season. 

He's literally an upperclassman in the school of Bachelorette. THIS IS NOT AN UNEXPECTED QUESTION FROM HER MOM??

He tells her mom that he "needs to think about what's right" for both him and her, which okay you've got 24 hours to do that thinking, which is plenty of time to begin and then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Katie's mom's questions also reveal that Blake and Katie haven't even talked about where they'll live, so that's great. Smooth sailing!

This family meeting ends with Blake feeling more unsettled than my stomach after two scoops of full dairy ice cream.

Final tasks before engagement

So we've checked off a lot of finale requirements, including the Fantasy Suite and meeting Katie's family, but I guess Blake and Katie have just decided to IGNORE THE FACT THAT THE MAN SHE LOUDLY PROCLAIMED WAS HER #1 LEFT LITERALLY AN HOUR AGO?? AND SHE ALMOST DID TOO?? I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH?? Checking off all of these other things is like buying carrots and celery to accompany your baked chicken without actually having a baked chicken because THAT CHICKEN'S NAME IS GREG AND HE IS GONE??? Dear God this finale has my last two brain cells spinning.

But anyway, let's ignore the Greg-sized elephant in the room and get back to this stupid checklist of pre-engagement requirements. For their last date, Katie and Blake participate in a Santa Fe, New Mexico, tradition called the "Burning of Zozobra" where they write down negative things they want to let go of and set them (and Zozobra) on fire.

Blake shares that he's letting go of the fear he had of falling in love and Katie shares that she's letting go of fearing she'll lose Blake and that she isn't good enough for him. So...no baggage here! These are two people who are very emotionally ready to get married!

While they're standing dangerously close to this giant flammable situation, Blake admits that Katie's mom and aunt doing the outrageous thing of asking if he's ready to get engaged, made him actually think about if he's ready to get engaged (a concept). I'll let Katie's aunt react to this for me:

People coming on this show that is literally called "Mandatory Engagement" and then being surprised that there's a mandatory engagement at the end will never not make me want to scream.

The next day (or honestly I don't know how time works in this nightmare), in a very normal turn of events, Blake picks out an engagement ring with his ex-girlfriend.

Tayshia asks what's wrong and it's like, what is right about this situation???? Katie is definitely not over Greg and Blake just went from being the silver medalist (at best) to being the gold medalist because of a disqualification and now he's ring shopping with the woman he tried to convince he was ready to marry literally six months ago??? My head hurts. 

Blake admits he's feeling very "unsure" about his decision (I also feel unsure about my decision to keep watching this). 

In response to his uncertainty, Tayshia says that if he's "struggling," he needs to let Katie go, which ummm that might be the worst advice ever???? As if the only choices are propose or break up??? I HATE THIS SHOW???

Anyway, while Blake is pouring syrup on his engagement waffling, Katie is apparently already dressed and ON HER WAY TO THE PROPOSAL SITE?? Time does not make sense here.

Okay, so Katie is ready to be proposed to and Blake is unsure if he's ready to propose. Things could not be better.

A proposal, maybe

While Katie looks ready and confident about getting engaged, Blake is exhausted because wasn't he just chatting with Justin this morning and now he's getting engaged??

I'm guessing this SUV probably drove Katie and then Blake in circles around the resort to make us believe this proposal is not taking place 5ft away from where every date has taken place.

Once Blake arrives, he needs a moment to soak in how this proposal site looks like the sale room at the back of an Anthropologie.

Katie is up first with her speech. She says something to the effect of love not caring about circumstances and showing up whenever and that's why they're in this moment. Which okay yes that's true, but also they're in this moment because the guy that Katie openly admitted was her #1 left, so. 

Blake tells her it's been like a fairy tale, but so real. He adds that he knows she'll be a great wife and mother, but that he can't give her what she came here for FOLLOWED BY A LONG PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT.

Despite me screaming "DON'T DO IT" he does in fact do it, finishing "I can't give you what you came here for...." with "....because you deserve so much more." Blake then obviously proposes and Katie is somehow surprised by this even though the title of this show is "YOU MUST PROPOSE TO KATIE" and she's spent the past however many weeks saying that she expects to be proposed to. 

It's like screaming that you want a dozen cookies and then when a dozen cookies are given to you, being shocked and surprised. 

She says yes and then based on how aggressively windy it gets, God comes through like okay this is some BS, so can y'all please get on this gust of wind and move along. 

Actually though, two horses are waiting to carry them away and Blake rips his pants getting onto his, which coincidentally enough illustrates how strong this relationship is. Hanging on by threads, y'all. 

When you're going clubbing but have to host the live finale first

I can't remember the last time I encountered a shimmery hot pink TUBE TOP dress in the wild. Maybe at a Wet Seal in 2002. So anyway, love this vintage look for Kaitlyn! And even though Tayshia's dress sort of looks like scrunched up aluminum foil, she still looks amazing because I believe she is incapable of not looking gorg?? Even though I actually got a screenshot of her blinking?? 

Anyway, they oversee the live finale's interviews that are 20% about Katie and Blake's engagement and 80% about how Katie is clearly still not over Greg. 

Do not swipe up and use his promo codes, okay 

Since we just saw Katie and Blake get engaged, this seems like the perfect time to talk about Katie's relationship with Greg. That's how engagements work.

Their segment honestly takes up half of this live portion of the finale. Katie tells Greg that he was never ready for an engagement and was only using her to get exposure and acting experience. Fresh out of the fryer, Greg's salty vocal fry is like "I'm no Meryl Streep" and um, yeah, no one was even close to suggesting you were?? But way to prove your "I wasn't here for the acting experience" point. They go back and forth and it's extremely uncomfortable and it's also VERY clear that Katie is not over Greg. Good thing she hasn't started dating another guy yet. Instead, she just got engaged. Just that. Which speaking of...

Oh Blake

We spend about 2 minutes actually focused on Katie and Blake, remember, he's the guy she picked who proposed to her. Did y'all remember. Also sorry, I know Blake looks like that Muppet character Beaker here, but I refuse to rewatch any of this to get better shots. My doctor says it's detrimental to my health.

They talk about how in love they are (riiiiight) and at the end, Blake surprises Katie with guys in the audience holding boomboxes playing that country song from their first date:

They then wrap up this terribly confusing season by slow dancing as rose petals fall from the ceiling:


And that's it! There's no way they get married, right. Either way, I want to congratulate all of you for making it through another season. This one started out okay enough, but wow that journey down Okay Road took a sharp detour to WTF Avenue. I will never not be annoyed by my decision to watch this show. 

EEEEXCEPT for Michelle's upcoming season, which I'm SO excited for. We only got the tiniest promo, but it was set to a Little Mix song, which you are correct, did make me scream. 

But before we can get to Michelle, we're diving head first into the shallow end of this pool called Bachelor in Paradise! That's right, no break! See you next week for the premiere, aka the point at which I'll get to yell about Abigail and Ivan again. Til then find me napping, attempting to regenerate 1-2 more brain cells, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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