Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Hometowns)

This week's post is brought to you by Katie AGAIN taking a page out of my early 2000s fashion handbook.

This is an accurate representation of every outfit I ever wore to church growing up. A $15 floral dress from Forever21 that will later fall apart in the washer and a cardigan because bare arms are inappropriate for Jesus.

We've made it to "Hometowns"! Aka, the week when the guys try to replicate the environment of their hometowns within the confines of a resort in New Mexico. Here we go!

Canada with Blake

So this is hometowns week, making it pretty clear that the guys are supposed to show Katie what their homeTOWN is like. Anyway, Blake's hometown is Canada. The country. That's his town I guess.

Most of this date is a complete repeat of decor and activities from Serena's "hometown" date with Matt last season (she is also from the town of Canada). But I guess the show maxed out their poutine budget, because instead of eating that, this time they drink maple syrup??

I am generally a hungry hungry hippo, but even I don't just take syrup to the face. When in Canada though!

They also ride some sort of inflatable "moose" that I think is safe to say is just a horse that some poor PA had to tape paper antlers to.

Riding these things is very stupidly American, so trying to convince us that it's Canadian just because it's a moose is hilarious. This moment also made me realize that a man can never look attractive while doing something in no-show socks. There's just something about them that makes my ovaries close up shop.

Later, Blake and Katie "play" hockey (heavy emphasis on those air bunnies) and we get these shots of Greg putting on his best sad-character-in-a-CW-drama while watching them from a nearby balcony.

He says he just "out of the blue" caught a glimpse of their date, which sure that explains why there just happened to be a camera right below the balcony in the bushes pointed up to the exact point Greg is standing at. Anyway, Greg's Vans Warped Tour emo'ness will come up again later, don't worry.

That evening, Katie gets to meet Blake's mom, sister and brother.

Blake's mom obviously asks Katie if they've said "I love you" and she tells her neither of them have said it. Katie also says that she will not say that while she's still dating several other guys (which actually makes sense, a wild concept for this show). But, she knows she can "get there" with Blake and if it's him in the end, "it'll be great" as if getting there is out of her control. Like "if" it's him. Girl, you know you have to be the one to choose him, right. Did anyone tell her the premise of this show.

Blake's sister is maybe the best part of this entire episode because she makes this face while questioning how he went from being so in love with Clare to immediately in love with Tayshia, to now apparently Katie.

This is the realest sister talk that's ever happened on this trainwreck. Most sisters are like "omg as long as you're happy" and blah blah BS. Love that Blake's sister represents those of us who'd be like "wtf, you're dumb, now explain your stupidity" (I'll also note she does not represent our eyebrows).

Blake tells both his mom and sister that he sees Katie as the one and can see himself proposing. By the end of the evening, he says his eyes "are really open now."

Yes, we can tell. I guess "eyes open" doesn't translate to "eye love you" because as he says goodbye to Katie, he doesn't tell her he's falling in love, which as history has taught us is required during hometowns. 

Baltimore with Justin

Ahead of Justin's date, we learn that his parents will not be joining this Baltimore, New Mexico, party because they are reasonable and sane people.

We get to witness their phone call where his mom is like, "How can you get to know someone in such a short period of time to get engaged??" WHICH AGAIN, IS THE NORMAL PARENTAL REACTION??? There is no way my parents would drag my wiener dogs out to meet a guy I've known for a month and want to marry BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY INSANE?? 

So Justin's parents won't be getting an IMDB credit for appearing on this show, but his two best friends will get to meet Katie later on. But first, we're in Baltimore!

I love the basket of vegetables just randomly placed next to this sign that was surely printed at a FedEx. Can someone confirm if there really are just random baskets of vegetables scattered around Baltimore.

As a reminder, we got maple syrup during Blake's Canada date, so for Justin's Maryland date, we of course get a case of the crabs:

I love crab, but dear God the effort you have to go through to open up and scrape out the tiniest bit of meat is almost never worth it and yes you are right in assuming I have eaten the lungs many times. Who knows how many crab smoker lungs I've eaten.

Later, Katie meets Justin's two best friends, which I have to tell you is exactly 0% the same as meeting his parents.

Katie tells them that Justin was the first guy who kissed her and they've had a connection since the beginning. I guess I've been watching a different show then, because I only recall Katie talking to Justin within the last two weeks. 

During one-on-one time with Justin's friend, he asks Katie to tell him about herself. The normal human answer to this is like "Oh, I'm from this place and this is what I do and this is what's important to me." Instead, Katie says (this is word-for-word), "THIS SHOW ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO DATE 30 GUYS AND I WAS LIKE HELL YES!!" Aww, really using her time to talk about how much she likes Justin.

Katie also brings out the ol' tape recorder to replay her copyrighted slogan of "I'm not telling anyone I love them while there's still other guys here." But she assures Justin's friends that she "thinks" she can get there with him, which aww love is so real.

At the end of the evening, Justin tells Katie he's falling in love with her and there's "nothing missing" from their relationship.

Which I mean, yeah there's nothing missing. If anything, there's extra parts included, namely two other guys.

New Jersey with Greg

So we've had one "hometown" in a country and one in an actual town, it's time to have one in a state! This show literally does not know what the word "hometown" means!

They kick off the date with a traditional, only-in-New-Jersey activity:

Even Greg admits he's never ridden a tandem bike before and isn't the point of this date to introduce the Bachelorette to what you do at home?? 

The star of this date is:

They eat pork roll, egg and cheese sandwiches and I can feel the salt making my face puff up. DELICIOUS.

Greg then brings Katie to a basketball court, telling her that she shared how her dad bonded with her over fishing, so he wants to share how he bonded with his dad. He says they used to play basketball together and his dad was his coach and he hasn't played since he passed away.

After watching Katie poorly shoot a basketball for a bit, Greg "surprises" her with something that "sometimes" happens in New Jersey:

That's right, rain. It's clear that wannabe-actor Greg has really been binging early 2000s rom-coms huh. To be clear, the only time being rained on is "sexy" or "cute" is in movies. When it happens in real life, most of the time you're just thinking "WTF THE WEATHER APP LIED" while your feet squish around splashing dirty sidewalk water onto the bottom of your pants.

Later, Katie meets Greg's mom and brother.

Both of them tell Katie that they haven't seen Greg this happy in a long time. And during his time with his mom, Greg admits he's in love and that it's "easy and light," which is also how I describe the perfect workout top. 

When they chat at the end of the evening, Greg spills all of his feelings, telling Katie how beautiful and great she is (the new Lana Del Rey song, "Beautiful & Great," coming soon) and he didn't know he'd fall in love with her, but he does love her.

Katie responds by saying she loves.....looking at him. And Greg's face quickly changes.

Dawson just told Joey he loved her and she responded by being like "k, thanks!" so he is clearly upset. Which Katie catches onto and makes better by telling him to "hang in there." He then dances around his words, but basically asks her to admit how she feels too. And umm....she told him WEEKS AGO that she was falling for him?? So it's not like she hasn't said it already, if not first?? She also tells him about her no-I-love-you-until-engagement rule and he can't take it.  

The awkwardness intensifies to levels only known during those times when you say bye to someone only to walk in the same direction. They eventually get up and move their conversation into a dark room to talk more (sure, why not) and Greg makes the statement we're all thinking:

Also I couldn't stop laughing at how they whispered during this entire confrontation as if THEY'RE NOT WEARING MICROPHONES. Katie responds by saying she feels like Greg is giving up on them. And this is how this date ends. Honestly 4/10, would not do again. 

When ANOTHER guy is about to dump you on YOUR season

Overnight, Greg convinces himself that even though Katie has spent every episode of this season leading meetings of the Greg Fan Club, she must not like him since she didn't say she loved him back.

He comes to her hotel suite to talk and tells her that it confused him when she didn't acknowledge him saying he loved her. She again reiterates her I-love-you rule and adds that she told his family he was getting a rose. He then touches his neck to flip the gas switch 'on' because he's about to gaslight her.

He says she hasn't been listening to him and there's a disconnect between them. Which, AGAIN, a baked ham can pick up on how much Katie loves Greg, she's made it VERY hydrated-pee-clear almost every week. But nope, old Greg says he's given her everything and reached his breaking point and walks out.

Katie follows him because as you can imagine, this breakup is happening 2 Fast 2 Furious.

She says he's been her #1 for a while (which wow, great for the other guys to hear) and he says this has nothing to do with rankings or a rose. He also says he doesn't need her to confess her love for him EVEN THOUGH THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS?? After Katie all but proposes to him, he finally gets up and leaves, saying that he's not happy here anymore.

Katie says she's "done" too and retires to cry in her hotel bathroom, but not before walking by this wall decoration that looks exactly like a Mickey logo.

Is this one of Disney World's hidden Mickeys?? Didn't know they placed them like, outside of the park, wow genius. 

Eventually, Kaitlyn arrives to check on Katie because that's exactly what you need when you've been dumped by the guy you want to marry — to talk to a woman you barely know who, based on her uncomfortable face, is clearly being forced to do this.

After Katie says she doesn't want to talk about it, Kaitlyn is like "Sure sure sure, soooo what happened and what changed Greg's mind and do you think you can get him back," so wow she is so good at this. Katie does eventually talk to her and brings up how this happened with Michael and now Greg and this is what she wants: 

And that's it! The two guys who I *know* were Katie's top 2 have sent themselves home. Tbh, I think Greg was looking for any reason to leave. Like he's gotten his screentime and can now probably get a background role on Law & Order much easier, so time to pack up. His whole "I didn't know if you liked me or not" speech was more confusing than Ikea furniture instructions and that's saying a lot. And honestly, I think Katie wanted to leave with Greg by like week 2, but she was forbidden from pulling a Clare.

Also, after Katie admitted Greg was her #1, it's going to be pretty shitty if she actually lets Blake or Justin propose. I don't think she will — I'm thinking she'll end up leaving alone during the finale next week.  

Guess we'll find out soon! See you then as we wrap up yet another season thats only purpose was to supply cast members for Bachelor in Paradise. Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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