Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Katie's look for the Men Tell All:

A tan, blonde highlights AND a lime green dress, excuse me, this is straight out of my senior prom look book, I WILL be seeking creative licensing fees.

We've made it to the Men Tell All! But before we can get to the men dishing on literally nothing, we get approx 15 minutes of actual interesting content. Let's jump in!

Protect this man at all costs

This season continues to be that movie that you don't even need to watch because everything is given away in the trailer. This week, we see this play out with Michael, who 100% of us already knew would choose to leave to be with his son. 

In the beginning of the episode we get clips of him FaceTiming with his son, James:

At one point, James asks Michael why he "doesn't want to see him anymore," which shatters Michael's heart like a hippo on thin ice (a necessary visual). After this call, Michael feels incredibly guilty and selfish for choosing to be here instead of with his son, saying he "can't be in two places at once," which tells us that he clearly hasn't seen "A Walk to Remember" because remember how Shane West helped Mandy Moore be "in" two places at once. It is very possible.

He decides pretty easily that he needs to leave and heads to Katie's room to let her know (I guess you're not allowed to just ghost the Bachelorette).

After telling her about what James said, he says it's all he can think about and with Hometowns coming up, it's wrong for him to only give her half of him. He then checks to see if her crotch is magnetic:

Jk he gives her the pocket watch he originally gave her on night one (as a joke) but then kept because she didn't have pockets to hold it. He says they've always talked about how important time is, but they just ran out of it at this point in their lives. He wraps up this genuinely sweet speech by telling Katie that she TAUGHT HIM HOW TO LOVE AGAIN. And dear God, my heart. The only other time I've felt emotions this strongly this season was when Andrew surprised Katie (and us) with a charcuterie board of Taco Bell and Lunchables. 

Katie is heartbroken because the most perfect man to ever grace this garbage disposal of a show is leaving. And it's pretty clear he would've been in her final two:

She tells him she saw them going until the end and pictured the life she would've had with him, but that she understands. They then walkout together to say one final goodbye and look I know she's emotionally distressed, BUT SHE CHOOSES TO BE BAREFOOT ON THIS COMMUNAL HOTEL CARPET???

There's at least 45 pairs of complimentary slippers in her luxury hotel room, SO WHY NAKED FEET, WHY. No man is worth getting whatever weird rash you may get from a hotel carpet.

As Michael leaves, Katie says it's "very possible my person just left," which do you think that means she planned to pick him?? Is that why her season is being cut short?? Or is it because she ends up with some weird foot infection?? Guess we'll have to see, this is exhilarating.  

What is this red room situation

Continuing their hosting requirements, Tayshia and Kaitlyn welcome everyone to the Men Tell All that is apparently taking place inside a human body (some sort of Magic School Bus situation). So much red. Also this shot makes it look like they could both be wearing meat dresses. If you didn't watch, they wore meat dresses, okay, can you believe that.

In which the men tell (nothing at) all

Most of the reason I watched was to hopefully see one or both of my boyfriends (John and Josh), but because this show never gives me (or us) what we want, they of course weren't invited. Instead we get this 99 cent grab bag including guy on the far right who literally didn't speak the entire time. I do not remember him at all, but he looks like he might be named Alan.

One of the first bits of drama we get to relive and rehash instead of reforgetting, is the whole, was Hunter in love with Katie or not. Canadian-guy-who-we-can't-believe-made-it-as-far-as-he-did, Mouth Breather and Ratatouille Villain are all like, sure we spent too much time talking about Hunter, so anyway we're going to continue doing that during this Tell All.

Vest Man, who I can assure you eats bland chicken and sleeps on a mattress with no bedframe (just a gut feeling, you know), says he kept coming for Hunter because he saw "inconsistencies" in the way he talked about Katie and tbh I'm going to need to know who taught him that word. 

Eventually, Cat Connor says that Hunter previously admitted to him that he was falling in love with Katie, so he didn't just say it out of nowhere during the group date. That squashes nothing because as is the case with any slicked back hair having, vest wearing finance bro, what they say goes (or you WILL be hearing from their father).

Most of this "tell all" is then just them showing clips from the past season and it's like, um yeah, we all suffered through this once, why are we doing it again. But then, we get into making the guys who were most recently sent home relive their breakups, so let's get into that!

When you're reminded you got dumped for being a bad kisser

Connor the Cat is up first, meaning he is forced to watch clips of Katie saying when they kissed, there was no spark or passion and just "nothing there." This continues to crack me up because what did Katie expect! This man has no lips! He was literally just gumming her every time they kissed. But I guess now he has facial hair that sort of covers up the fact that he has thin prosciutto lips (omg what if someone had lips made of prosciutto, would love it).

Eventually, a woman in the audience "randomly" speaks up (sure, Jan) saying that there's no way Connor is a bad kisser:

I can't remember her name, but she def looks like she asks her friends to call her "Serenity" or "Windflower." Right, so after she's like "Omg Connor's tiny lips look so great," she's invited to the stage where she can experience those tiny little things in person:

It's like watching someone try to suck the last tapioca pearl out of a boba tea, but it's stuck in the straw. Connor claims he saw this woman in the audience earlier and thought she was cute and proceeds to give her one of the roses from the set and wow the producers aren't even trying to make this believable huh.

When you're reminded you almost quit your job for Katie

I didn't blog last week (because mama needs a break sometimes) so I didn't get to scream about Katie sending home adorable ass Andrew. This man told her he would give up playing football for her! It was a little funny how she dumped him then asked him to come back and he was like "pass."

During his time onstage, he talks about how he's always believed in love, grew up watching romcoms with his mom and is a hopeless romantic. At one point, Tayshia says he deserves to receive that same level of romance and I SWEAR I thought she was going to segue into ".....and you'll get the chance to find this romance on the next season of The Bachelor." But nope.


Michael is the last to be dragged back through his breakup, since we just saw it happen. And ummm TALK ABOUT A REVENGE LOOK. I am extremely interested in this new bearded look he's got going on, I mean wow. He went from being a sweet little pineapple bun to being a hot ass Szechuan noodle (I recently spent a lot of time in Chinatown, okay). 

He says he still feels the same way about Katie and if she wanted to give him another shot, he'd be all in. Especially since they always talked about how if love exists, it'll find a way (Katie later squashes the idea of them giving it another go). Ultimately, he's glad he put himself out there and now seeing his beard, I am also glad he is out there and I am ready to receive, thanks (THIS IS THE ONE GROSS JOKE, LET ME HAVE IT).

I guess they needed to fill time

In the middle of KATIE'S tell all, we're shown clips of Kaitlyn and Jason's engagement and they're then interviewed onstage?? Sure, why not. I honestly took no screenshots of Kaitlyn with her eyes open, so very sorry. I'm mostly using this as a moment to scream about how heinous Jason's overmanicured 1999 eyebrows are, thank you for your attention to this matter.

Somewhere Jed is screaming

Connor wraps up this incredibly lame (and chaotic, seemingly unplanned) Tell All by doing the thing we all hoped and prayed he would not do — singing. Unfortunately, all men who wear thick silver rings on both hands think people want to hear them sing: Connor, the lead singer of Nickelback, the lead singer of Imagine Dragons (they might be the same person, honestly I have no idea). I only found this entertaining because Connor got to close out an episode with some dedicated camera time of his singing and I know this must be eating away at Jed and his bigass head.

And that's it! Or well, plenty of other pointless stuff happened (including Thomas joining virtually), but these were the highlights, which is a stretch of the meaning of the word "highlights."

See you all next week for Hometowns, aka, another week that Katie drags this season out even though we know she's going to pick Greg. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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