Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Connor's chicken tattoo:

Very sorry to my friend Monica who wanted his nickname to be "Chicken." As we'll soon learn, there's no need for us to nickname him because this chicken will soon be crossing the road to go home. 

Let's jump into week 6!

The most bonkers date every season

Justin gets this week's first solo date and as a reminder, Justin is the guy in the house with the best brows and the best facial expressions and sometimes, those two things intersect and he has the best brow expressions:

Justin has talked to Katie for maybe a total of 3.5 minutes over the course of the last 6 weeks and as Katie says, "There's a lot I don't know about him." So obviously, the best first date for them to LITERALLY get to know each other is:

A fake wedding complete with fake vows and everything! I hate this date in every season. It's so forced and just weird okay.

But remember, this show takes marriage VERY seriously, as is evident in them providing this velvet couch in a haunted forest for them to write their vows on:

During their fake wedding vows, Justin says that their bond is "sacred," but what I think he means to say about this woman he knows about as well as a Starbucks barista, is their bond is a hydrogen bond at best (aka weak, this is a niche scientific joke that I had to Google).

Katie wraps up this fake wedding in the setting of a horror movie by rubbing wedding cake all over Justin's head:

All of the mosquitos in the woods were like "YESSSSSS."

Later, they have dinner in allergy season.

Katie tells Justin that even though their wedding was fake, it reminded her about how her dad wouldn't be there to walk her down the aisle or even to see her get engaged. She then shares something she hasn't shared with any of the other guys yet — right before her dad passed away, she found out he wasn't her biological father. And now, her biological father wants a relationship with her, but she doesn't know how to build a relationship with him while still honoring her father's memory.

After this very open and vulnerable moment, Justin says, "Thank you for sharing." GREAT, YOU'RE WELCOME. He proceeds to share nothing about himself. No joke, we learn nothing about him. So anyway, let's get to the "surprise" ending that this time, actually is a surprise!

A performance from a non-country'ish singer who I've actually heard of! Also sorry to this man that this is the screenshot I got of him, but I can't fight fate. I'm sure y'all have heard Max's song "Lights Down Low" or "Gibberish" and wow, me naming two songs off the top of my head from a singer on this show is something I have never done before.

Katie and Justin dance and makeout and she says this "feels like normal life" and um, firstly, who wants to tell her that in normal life, you don't get personal concerts at a luxury resort outside of Albuquerque on a random Tuesday night. And secondly, in her normal life, does she always wear outfits Dolly Parton thought about wearing, but decided against?

There is absolutely no element of this outfit that is not baffling. Justin obviously gets a rose.

Blink if you're about to instigate this week's drama

Tre, Ratatouille and Aaron, who complain the most about drama taking up their time with Katie, decide to combat that this week by stirring up drama to take up their time with Katie. After Hunter reveals that he's watched the show before (A MONSTER, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE HE'S SEEN THIS SHOW THAT'S BEEN ON A MAJOR NETWORK FOR 45 YEARS) and already thinks he, Greg and Connor will be in Katie's top four, these ding dongs decide to focus all of their attention on him instead of, I don't know, Katie who is the Bachelorette. 

And this all goes down on....

The group date that should be really fun, but ends up being lame

RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars' Monét X Change and Shea Couleé join Katie for this week's group date as the guys learn they'll be getting onstage to roast each other. Love how this pic looks like Katie is a superfan at a meet and greet smiling for a photo her mom is taking.

While the guys take time to write jokes about each other, Monét and Shea walk around checking on them. At one point, they ask Hunter if he's in love with Katie and he honestly replies that he doesn't "throw that term around lightly" and he's not sure if he's in that place yet (a reasonable response since he's known her for maybe a month). 

Cut to the actual "roasting" that ends up being as incredibly wack as you're imagining. These men have about as much of a sense of humor as tofu has bones in it. I'll let Shea's reaction to them speak for all of us: 

Eventually, a few of the guys gang up on Hunter, who, much to their disappointment, doesn't say anything snarky in return. Instead, he tells Katie that he's falling in love with her. And words here are important — he says he's FALLING in love with her, which is MUCH different than being IN love with her (what he was asked about earlier). 

But, since words continue to take a beating in this house, the three a'dweebos do not recognize this and think that Hunter is lying since he said earlier he wasn't in love with Katie.

So during the evening portion of the date, Tre, Ratatouille and Aaron are like, "It would be nice to just talk to Katie tonight without drama" before pulling out their giant pepper shakers to pepper this evening with drama. They tell Katie that Hunter's timing for admitting he was falling for Katie was "calculated" and "concerning" when I mean, it's not like he said this out of nowhere. He was literally asked how he felt about Katie and he responded. This seems a little less calculated and a little more...how normal conversation works???? I cannot stand any of these men.

But, three guys all raising the same concern worries Katie, so she asks to speak with Hunter to see what's going on.

He tells her he's not being calculated (this must've been the "Word of the Day" on the calendar), but he doesn't blame her for wanting to sort it all out.

While they're talking, the Trio of Zeros are hard at work, trying to convince the rest of the guys that Hunter isn't here for the right reasons. Finally, the only voice of reason (and adult) in the house speaks up:

Michael says that he thinks Hunter is being honest when he says he cares for Katie. And look, when it comes to judging someone's character, I think it's safe to trust the guy who has only focused on Katie this entire time as opposed to three guys who think their shit talking will help them evolve into the next level of Pokémon (I'M A POKEMON FAN OKAY, GET OVER IT).

After Katie finishes talking with Hunter, she says this new drama has her feeling pretty queasy and we then get some really nice audio of her dry heaving. She eventually returns to the guys and says she's ending the evening early and not giving out a rose. Though, if she did give out a rose, it's safe to say it would've gone to Greg:

Every time she interacts with him, it's like she's on HIS season of The Bachelor. She's always like "DO YOU LIKE ME, HEY DO YOU LIKE ME, HEY I NEED YOU TO SAY OVER AND OVER HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ME OKAY." And during this night in particular, she tells him (again) that she's falling for him and he reacts like she just told him that she moved her clothes from the washer to the dryer.

Please send this man home

So the group date didn't go so well, but maybe this week's second solo date with former cat and current fashion tragedy Connor will. Katie says that while she likes Connor, she just doesn't "feel a spark or passion" when they kiss, which I mean, in his defense, he doesn't have any lips, so it must be hard for him to spark anything with those tiny noodles.

Right so, what better way for Katie to sort out her feelings for Connor than on a double date with her "friend" Kaitlyn and her fiancé, Jason:

This is them asking "Who? Who's Katie? How do we know each other?"

They spend the day doing random things like proving how unathletic all of them are in a game of volleyball and poking at already cooked meats on the grill like they're currently grilling them. All of these activities are distractions to waste time to get to the end of the date, so Katie can kiss Connor to see if chemistry has magically appeared.

Watching Connor kiss is like watching someone aggressively eat an ice cream cone. And I guess Katie agrees because this is both of them ahead of the evening portion of the date.

She decides she doesn't need an evening of having Connor gumming her face, so she stops by his room to break up with him. He knows this can't be good because she's in a hoodie, crying and saying stuff like this:

As she begins her breakup speech, he tells her it's okay and that he knows where this conversation is going. He asks her what changed and she says, "When we kiss, there's just something missing," which yes we've addressed this, the "thing" missing is his lips.

She apologizes, but he tells her this was all worth it and she shouldn't feel sorry. He then has a very tearful goodbye with the guys (who are all shocked he's going home). And look, Connor may not be leaving with Katie, but at least he's leaving with her foundation all over his suit jacket.

After he leaves, Katie is crying in her room until she hears music playing outside her room:

It's Blake thinking he's John Cusack while blaring some country song on what appears to be a camping stove. Katie finds this adorable and invites him up to chat and the first thing he says is "Know how hard that was to do?" And I'm sorry, what? How hard it was to hold up a 3lb boombox provided to you by the producers?? Anyway they makeout:

Which, can you blame Katie. She's trying to erase that last lipless kiss she had earlier this afternoon.

The efficiency, I'm here for it
Katie cancels this week's pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party again, but this time not because of drama, but because she already knows who she wants to continue spending time with and seeing these other dumb dumbs for two minutes at a cocktail party won't change her mind. So we're getting right to the Rose Ceremony!

To follow Katie's lead, I'll get right to the point — she sends home all of the dumbass drama starters (ALL of them) including Mouth Breather Aaron, Ratatouille James, Guy-Who-I-Used-to-Like Tre and Roid Rage Hunter. Talk about cleaning things up! I very much enjoy it.

And that means there's 7 guys left and we have to get down to 4 by the end of next week for Hometown Dates the week after. I'm predicting it'll be Michael, Greg, Andrew and Justin in the final four. But we'll see!

As a note, I won't be posting next week (my brain is like a potato and this show is a microwave and the hot potato needs to rest), but see you the week after for Hometowns! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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