Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Andrew M. holding a drink that accurately reflects how much substance this show holds:

Poor Andrew, doesn't even get a free drink, which is maybe the best part of being on this show. And "being on this show" isn't even something he'll be doing much of very soon. Let's jump in!

"So obviously, Blake is here"

Following Katie's decision last week to have Blake join the house, the producers are like, we need to turn the volume up on this Blake drama to ensure everyone knows his arrival has caused tension. So approx 12 seconds after he joins the guys, the date card is delivered and it's for him and everyone is like:

When Katie comes to pick him up, she also takes some time to address his arrival by saying, "Hehe that's right, I've added another dude and now we're going on a date, k bye." 

They leave for the first part of their date that includes a "surprise" — as a reminder, if the Bachelor/Bachelorette say they have a "surprise" and it's nighttime, it's some random country'ish band + fireworks and if it's daytime, it's.....

ALWAYS HORSES. Doesn't that also sound like the name of a Hallmark Channel holiday movie. Starring Lacey Chabert as a former equestrian who almost went to the Olympics but decided to move back to her small hometown where her model looking ex-boyfriend still lives and is single.

After riding around for a bit, they makeout in some bales of hay because why not:

And look, unless I'm Julia Stiles and you're Heath Ledger and this is "10 Things I Hate About You," making out in hay just doesn't sound that appealing, very sorry. 

Later, they have dinner in an advertisement for West Elm's lamps and home lighting sale:

Up to 50% off, but this week only!

Blake asks Katie how she became such a sex positive person (remember he just arrived, so he missed the group therapy date) and she tells him about what happened to her at a New Year's Eve party 10 years ago and how the #MeToo movement helped her to stop blaming herself and become comfortable with talking about sex again. He tells her he'll never judge her and likes her for who she is and never wants her to feel uncomfortable around him.

Katie asks Blake if he's ever been in love before and he says yes, but then there's voiceover so we don't get to hear him say "Yes, with Clare and then Tayshia and now you and honestly, probably Michelle and whoever is Bachelorette after her." 

He of course gets a rose and they kiss over what is either a hamburger bun or a steak on a giant bed of spinach??

Oh yeah and since this date started with surprise horses it has to end with surprise country'ish music, this time provided by an American Idol winner?

I'm using a question mark because I had no idea this man won American Idol and also American Idol is still going on?? And fun fact here: Katie is wearing the shoes I wore to Homecoming senior year of high school. They're silver stilettos from Vanilla Essence (this is a very niche joke for any Okinawa friends who read this). 

So anyway, seems Blake is here to stay (for now).

A half-naked, but violent, group date

All of the guys minus Blake and Andrew S. (who'll have the second solo date of the week) get to participate in this week's random AF group date — Bachelorette Bash Ball Battle, which is a sport the show made up that is like rugby but with basketball hoops at each end to score points. But wait, this is an athletic date, so that means:

That's right, outfits to both show off their bodies and also embarrass them. I guess Pam was provided too, because it appears some of the men greased up before walking onto the field.

But since this is a group of men wearing cups, things of course turn violent as they start reeeeally tackling each other hard. When like, wtf, you're participating in a made-up game while wearing Borat's bathing suit, it's not that serious. Eventually, our sweet Michael takes a pretty hard hit from Justin:

But don't worry, that camera guy gets a tight shot to record Michael possibly having a spinal injury. Oh also, forgot to mention the butts of their little outfits have hearts on them like they're sensual Care Bears. 

Michael is okay and gets up, but it's enough for Katie to cancel the rest of this (very) stupid and violent-for-no-reason game. Instead of having just the winning team join her for the evening portion of the date, she invites all of the guys. 

Cue footage of the guys waiting in line to chat with her for 30 seconds and deliver the bit they've been planning all day, the worst of which is:

Can this pink man please please please leave us alone. Jed Jr. using every opportunity to sing is tired, boring and quite frankly, corny. Plus, not sure what 80s fashion magazine he's getting his outfit tips from, but all of his clothes should be in jail. And he should maybe invest in some sunscreen because wow that skin is literally on fire.

The best of the men is of course, Michael.

After being unsure about telling the group, Michael decides to tell the guys that he's widowed....and yesterday was his wife's birthday. But he doesn't want them to feel sorry for him or cry over him because it's taught him about how finite time is and how you shouldn't waste a second of it. You can tell they all love Michael as much as we do, based on how emotional most of them get, especially....

Old Greg cries and says he had no idea because Michael is always so positive and cheerful and uplifts everyone else. 

Michael talking about time gets Greg thinking about making every moment count with Katie and he decides he needs to take a big step with her. During his time with her, she tells him he has "resting sad face" (lollllll) and that she was most worried he would want to leave after she invited Blake into the house. He tells her he'll never leave her and okay, I've heard that before, Jack and Rose on the Titanic. He then admits in his interview (but not to Katie) that he's falling for her, so I guess his "big step" was telling a producer he's falling in love? But not the actual person he's falling in love with?

The other guy of note during this date (not saying if "of note" is positive or negative) is Hunter. He uses his time with Katie to share photos of his kids:

This seems to have an impact on Katie as she ends up giving the coveted group date rose to Hunter, who spoiler alert, will soon become our newest villain. Love that for him.

"Effortlessly happy with Andrew"

Andrew gets this week's second solo date and he actually makes it through the entire date (and episode) without faking a British accent. A task I know was hard for him, since that is one of his passions (???). 

Katie picks him up for their evening date wearing a catsuit because they'll be going into the woods.

I know when I'm trekking through the woods, I exclusively wear full body leather suits.

She brings him to an area decorated with those icicle Christmas lights and hanging cards that have questions or prompts to help them get to know each other better. 

They get into the really deep stuff first like, what their go-to dance move is, before getting to the light, breezy stuff of what their parents' relationship taught them about love. 

Next is dinner (what time is it???) where Katie ignores a big ass pile of broccoli and Andrew ignores a giant glob of mashed potatoes.

Andrew shares that his dad was locked up when he was six and that's when he fell in love with football because it was like an escape. He says it was hard being surrounded by kids who had parents supporting them at games because it reminded him that he didn't have that. But because of what he experienced, he knows he won't miss a moment of his kids' lives.

They then talk about the challenges that interracial couples face and Andrew shares that his prior girlfriend (a white woman who he almost proposed to) worried about having mixed children and what they would face as a family. Katie admits feeling "naive as a white woman" about what he experiences as a Black man, but she says that she thinks their kids will be just as beautiful as their love and she doesn't care who looks at their family. Kissing then ensues:

Love how the producers surrounded them with every candle holder, glass and random vase in the state. It's like they're about to move out of this house and have emptied the kitchen cabinets.

Before they end the night, Katie says she has "another surprise" for Andrew. Which, okay so far this season, we've had fireworks, horses and random country'ish music. That means there's only one option left for what this "surprise" is:

That's right, a randomly placed hot tub. Not even sure we can call this a hot tub because the water isn't moving, this is more of a bath. Great.

Katie of course gives Andrew a rose and I think he'll be here until at least the top five.

Open your mouth slightly if you're shocked you're still here

Speaking of top five, these two milk duds are def not in it. Guy on the left's personality was actually much better when he was inside the box he arrived in. And I'm guessing guy on the right is just happy to still be here to showcase how long a Brazilian blowout can really last.

Though, you gotta give dick-in-a-box credit, he is taking time away from his job as a food critic to be here, so he must really like Katie.

He's missing out on so many dishes cooked by his favorite rat. 

All of these Rose Ceremonies feel 15 hours long

Heading into the Rose Ceremony, Bachelorette-is-my-type Blake, Unnecessarily-Intense Hunter and Sweet Andrew all have roses.

Since Hunter already has a rose, he'll probably give the other guys an opportunity to chat with Katie, right? Wrong. He puts on some chapstick because he's about to kiss everyone else's time with her, goodbye:

He steals Katie away to look at his telescope (I'm not even being inapprop here, I mean an actual telescope) and have champagne with strawberries to "celebrate" their WEEK AND A HALF ANNIVERSARY. ANNIVERSARY LITERALLY HAS PART OF THE WORD "ANNUAL" IN IT BECAUSE IT IS AN ANNUAL EVENT. Words continue to take a hit this season. Also, the only time a "week and a half" milestone is celebrated is when you're in 8th grade.

Ratatouille Food Critic (I honestly don't know his name) eventually interrupts them because he's annoyed that Hunter is taking up Katie's time when he already has a rose. Hunter almost flies into a roid rage, but settles with staring into the camera while saying "I lost some time, but I WILL GET IT BACK," as if this is the origin story of a Marvel villain. I WILL AVENGE MY TIME.

Later, Ratatouille, Tre and Aaron (who remember thrives and draws energy from drama) confront Hunter:

They tell him how annoyed they are and how inconsiderate it was of him to take so much of Katie's time. To really get his attention and nail their point home, they tell him he's acting like Thomas, which I guess in this house, is the ultimate insult.

Hunter essentially replies with "Hehe, can't change what I did so, hehehe."

After we've firmly established Hunter as our newest villain, we finally get to the Rose Ceremony and to get to the point (something this show never does), Quartney and Andrew M. are sent home along with MY OTHER BOYFRIEND, JOSH:

Similar to when John was sent home, I'm not mad about this because it means Josh and his little floral tie are free to show me their telescope (this time I'm not talking about a literal telescope, okay).

I'll end this post by asking Josh to look hot while holding his face if he wants to date me:

I mean A SIGN IS A SIGN. I'm off to get married.

And that's it! Can't wait to see what horses, country'ish singers or hot tubs surprise us next week. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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