Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by the guys again making some of the faces I make while enduring this truly nightmare of a show.

Connor covering his mouth is actually a very accurate representation of what I look like when I catch my own reflection in the TV during a commercial break. Concerned about the life choices I'm making.

Speaking of commercials, it seems like Katie's season is comprised of 30% actual show content and 70% commercials. Like the guys have one conversation and then there's a commercial break and wow using the word "commercials" means that YES I DO WATCH THIS LIVE, so let's jump in.

Eating a bunch of Twinkies is not a "challenge"

We kick things off with a group date and wait a minute, as it turns out, this guy has a name!

Who knew. And tbh now it's not even important for us to learn Conor's one-C name because he'll be leaving at the end of the episode (that's not a spoiler because spoilers are exciting and this is not).

For this date, Katie tells the guys they'll be participating in a more challenging version of "Truth or Dare" and she's even asked two friends to help her out with it.

But I guess her friends couldn't show up, so Tayshia and Kaitlyn show up instead because again, Kaitlyn's face is like "Hey girl, what's your name again? Do I know you?"

They proceed to watch the guys run around in pairs to complete random "dares," including getting the "hairiest part" of their bodies waxed and eating (what I consider) a regular serving of food, such as 25 Twinkies:

While eating Twinkies very inefficiently, Mike admits that not only has he not had sex, but he also hasn't had carbs in 7 years.

I know, there's a lot to unpack in that sentence. First off, if you're speed eating Twinkies, everyone knows you smush them together to form a giant Twinkie ball. And secondly, NO CARBS IN 7 YEARS? Yeah at this point, I'm gonna have to pass on Mike because I BET he's one of those dudes who eats unseasoned chicken breast and claims cauliflower rice "tastes just like rice." HARD PASS if not just for this screenshot. 

Another challenge features this giant ear that the guys have to whisper "sweet nothings" into for Katie to hear. This is more stupid than you are imagining. 

Andrew fakes a British accent again (not really sure why he's still doing this??) while telling Katie he'll wash her back??? I guess back washing is sexy?? 

The last challenge of this bizarrely pieced together day is a recycled activity that the guys did in Clare's season too — they have to eat habanero peppers and then pretend propose with a giant cartoon ring:

I like how this show tries to be like "ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE ARE VERY SERIOUS, EVERYONE MUST TAKE THIS VERY SERIOUSLY" before being like "Omg you guys, stuff 15 Twinkies in your mouth, then wax your ass and fake propose, this is hilarious!" 

But anyway, now that the guys are full of random foods, have had one strip of hair removed from a random place on their body and eaten hot peppers, it's time to drink alcohol at the cocktail party!

Thomas might not be on this group date, but he's on this group date

For the evening portion of the date, Katie is like what is the most chaotic look I can bring out:

I'm not exaggerating when I say I screamed. This appears to be some sort of 80s power suit jacket that a pleated skirt has been attached to, accented by a heavy dusting of sequins. PLUS black pantyhose AND bejeweled boots to match (thanks to Ling for noticing those). BEJEWELED BOOTS. I have no additional thoughts on this because like some sort of real-life brain teaser, my brain simply cannot process or understand this.

Bridgerton fan Andrew is one of the first to chat with Katie and he actually shares something with her that I think is the most meaningful thing to-date:

MEANING WE'RE ABOUT TO BE FULL OF THIS TACO BELL!!!!! And sour candy and Lunchables!! I'd recognize those delicious 100000% of your daily sodium intake meat coins anywhere. In perhaps the most dramatic turn of events in the history of this show, THEY ACTUALLY EAT THE FOOD!!!

But we're then reminded that this show is terrible and always falls short because they both only take ONE BITE of a Taco Bell taco? Honestly the first time I've ever seen this happen. I know I'm dedicating a lot of time to Taco Bell here but it's important to have passions.

The rest of the evening's conversations are pretty bland in comparison. During Katie's time with Dawson's Creek background actor Greg, she obsesses over him and admits that she's FALLING FOR HIM?? And as you can tell, he is so incredibly excited and emotional about it:

Not this man looking like you just told him it was supposed to rain but now there's only a 30% chance it'll rain. Also, I know a lot of y'all are obsessed with him, but I find him about as interesting as a table of contents.

While Greg is being bored by Katie outright telling him she likes him the most, Tre is sitting in the buy-one-get-one porcelain cactus section of West Elm: 

He tells the guys that he plans to tell Katie about how manipulative Thomas is and how he admitted he first came on the show in the hopes of becoming the next Bachelor. Taco Bell Provider Andrew disagrees, telling him that he should just focus on his relationship with Katie, instead of using his time with her to talk about another guy. Tre is like "lollll" and proceeds to spend all of his time with Katie talking about Thomas, to which Katie responds:

The show then tries to make us believe that Katie is unsure how she feels about Andrew, but this raised eyebrows + no lip smile tells us she's already decided she's going to light his ass up. 

Tre's honestly pays off and Katie gives him the group date rose.

This man's type is: Bachelorette

With this Thomas drama likely coming to an end soon, the producers need to introduce another dramatic plot point. To do this, Tayshia drops by Katie's room to tell her that a guy from "her past" reached out to her because he feels he's a "really good match" for Katie and Tayshia agrees. Tayshia says that he's at the resort and just wants a chance to talk with Katie and anyway this is who it is:

As a reminder, Blake was on Clare's season and VERY in love with her until she left the show early with Dale. And then when Tayshia took over with her own season, he was also VERY in love with her. So the thing to know here is, there is no Bachelorette that this man will not date. 

He tells Katie he's been interested in her since she "stepped out of the limo on night one," WHICH IS LITERALLY WORD-FOR-WORD WHAT HE SAID TO TWO PRIOR BACHELORETTES. 

Before Blake can copy/paste himself into his third consecutive season of this show, Katie's like mmmm lemme think about it (slash lemme wrap up this other drama first so you can be the primary drama).

Quick reminder that I love Josh

Whether he's wearing a white shirt with an open jacket or a white shirt with a jean jacket or a white shirt with a closed jacket, the outcome is all the same — fine 99. We also got to hear him speak like 3 times this week, which I think is a new record.

Anyway, what I'm here to say is here's a hot pepper eating a hot pepper:

Thomas' train gets derailed

Right, so we need to wrap up this Thomas drama so we can shift focus to this Blake drama. To get the ball rolling, ahead of the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Thomas goes to talk with Katie about everything the guys have been saying about him.

He tells her that for the past week, he's had to listen to his character be "demonsterized." DEMONSTERIZED. DE. MONSTER. IZED. The only time this word should be used is if Dracula is talking about "the monster's eyes."

Katie tells him that she felt a connection with him from the beginning and that she thought he was so perfect (translation: he's so tall), but now she doesn't know what to think. She tells him she needs time and will decide at the natural decision point we all use — the Rose Ceremony.

While the guys are waiting for Katie to arrive to the cocktail party, they're all talking about how they're "over" Thomas and sick of him being the main topic of conversation BEFORE MAKING HIM THE MAIN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION BY ONLY TALKING ABOUT WHERE HE IS AND WHAT HE'S DOING. 

The point here is all of these men are stupid exceeeeeeept for:

After Katie joins the party, most of these ding dongs spend their time complaining about Thomas. But Michael goes rogue and does something wild — he focuses on talking to Katie about his feelings for her and their relationship. GASP. Katie appreciates Michael helping her escape this never ending episode of Gossip Girl and I cannot emphasize this enough — this man is FAR too good for this show.

"Your Bachelor audition is over"

We finally get to the Rose Ceremony and look, we don't need to go through who gets a rose because we all know her favorites are Bowl Cut Greg, British Accent Andrew and Sweetest Man on the Planet Michael. In getting to the juicy juice, when Katie has one rose left, she says "Thomas" and this is Justin's reaction:

Thomas approaches like he's about to get that rose before Katie backs away and tells him she now sees how terrible, unkind and manipulative he is. And then Justin is like:

I don't think I've shared yet, but I've very interested in Justin's personality (and by personality I mean his eyebrows). 

To wrap this up, Katie tells Thomas: "Your Bachelor audition is over — now leave" and what I need to know is what poor production assistant had to script this for her.

But wait! Since she didn't give that rose to Thomas, we're actually short a guy! If only we had a short guy to fill the gap, oh wait...

What a coincidence that there happens to be a Blake, just hanging around. Katie lets him know that he can move into the house because she wants to get to know him more.

There's no way she actually sees a future with Blake (because he is not Greg), but I guess this is our new plot line.

See you next week as Blake very predictably becomes house villain! Til then find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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