This week's post is brought to you by Katie not knowing what to do with her hands:
I like how most of the time it looks like she's holding an invisible bouquet of flowers or like she has cupped Barbie hands. Those elbows gotta be tired.
We're onto week two! Meaning we've got two group dates and a one-on-one, or as Katie calls it "a very busy week." I hear ya girl, I hate it when I have to be at a resort all week and then go out with guys who are being forced to focus only on me. Phew, exhausting.
First group date with a bunch of men who are not John or Josh
The group date is up first and hey wait, the episode started 5 minutes ago and we haven't been reminded that Katie's whole thing is about owning a vibrator, so:
Honestly, the way this censor bar is positioned, who even knows what this is. Could very well be a light saber. Unclear. Also, I can't stop cracking up at this show treating Katie like some sort of sex goddess because she owns a vibrator.
Anyway, the guys have to put together some sort of performance showing Katie what makes them "the greatest lover" and yes this is as stupid as you're imagining. These "performances" from the guys include puppets simulating sex, promises to clean the house (the bar is very low, remember), dick-in-a-box wearing a dick-in-a-box after saying he wants to be known for being more than a dick-in-a-box, and of course, Jed-wannabe Connor performing a song:
This group date also provides our first glimpse into Karl and his rise to becoming the most annoying man in the house. He delivers an entirely too long Ted Talk that mostly focuses on what Katie doesn't want, without actually sharing what he brings to the table. At some point, he also rubs a banana on a cardboard cutout of Katie?
I don't want to speak for Katie, but seeing someone rub a bruised banana on the hair of my cardboard cutout must rank among the least arousing things on the planet.
The actual rising star in the house is Mike, who I didn't mention in the first post. He is a former baseball player who owns a gym, but whose primary occupation the show needs us to understand, is virgin. For most of this sex-focused date, he looks like this:
But when it's his time onstage, he recites a pretty nice poem for Katie sharing how much he appreciates her while also mentioning he's waiting for marriage.
He ends up "winning" the group date and I use air bunnies because he doesn't actually win extra time with Katie or even free chicken nuggets. All he gets is some plastic trophy that won't even fit in his suitcase when it's time to go home. Yay.
Later during the evening portion of the date, Connor is like remember how I sang a song for you, do you wanna see my vocal chords:
While we've only seen these two makeout twice (and the first time, he was dressed as a cat) I love how they always look like the two people who drunkenly found each other before the lights came on in a nightclub.
In the end, Mike's poem and Connor's tongue aren't enough as Thomas ends up getting the group date rose. During their time together, Katie tells him she's been thinking about him a lot, but she doesn't know why since they haven't gotten to chat much. And I'm here to tell you why — LOOK HOW TALL THIS MAN IS!!
Can someone please let me know if I think he's attractive because he's attractive or if it's because he's tall, thanks. Also he tells Katie he "feels something" between them already and "there's magic" and I think the "magic" he's referring to is sensing he might get on Bachelor on Paradise. The force is strong in this one.
One-on-one date with Greg
Greg gets the very first solo date, which I think we expected since he got the first impression rose and that happened approx 15 minutes ago. You probably remember Greg as playing the "hot guy" in every Disney Channel Original Movie.
Katie tells Greg they'll be heading to the river for some camping and fishing, so we get some shots of Greg struggling to put up a tent before Katie tells him they need to cut a hole in a bucket to go over a hole in the ground just in case they need to poop — the natural progression of any date.
The show then dedicates, I'm not joking, the majority of this part of the date to them setting up the poop bucket.
At one point, Greg sits on the poop bucket while Katie awkwardly crouches next to him so they can have the world's most uncomfortable makeout session ever:
There really is nothing more romantic than kissing a guy you're interested in while sitting atop a giant hole in the ground meant to catch your shit.
After spending entirely too much time on this whole poopy situation, they actually get to fishing. Katie then opens up to Greg, sharing that fishing and camping reminds her of her dad (who passed away in 2012) because it's what they used to do together.
In return, later at dinner, Greg tells her that the day meant a lot to him and reminded him of his own dad who passed away recently from cancer. He says it's been hard since then for him to "give himself" to someone, but that he feels this is right with Katie.
Do you think those GIANT candle holders were thrown on the table at the last minute? Like some producer screamed OH MY GOD, WE NEED GIANT GLASSES OUT HERE, STAT.
They then retire outside because Katie has a "surprise" and this show has got to stop using the word "surprise" for fireworks because at this point it is expected. Like, if you don't get fireworks during your date, you're a loser.
Greg obviously gets a rose, as creepily offered here by Katie. And even if she hadn't explicitly said she thinks Greg will be here "for a while," I would guess he's going to be at least top 3.
Second group date with John and Josh (and others, I guess)
For the second group date, the guys are woken up early by Tayshia and Kaitlyn and brought out in their pajamas (underwear) to this disaster:
Katie tells the guys they have to get dressed up as cowboys and then mud wrestle shirtless in an effort to win this super amazing and thoughtful prize — the world's fugliest belt buckle:
And look, I'm all for the concept of this date — shirtless men — but is the mud aspect really necessary? Watching men paw at each other while rolling around in poopy looking water just isn't that appealing (I'm really sorry for the double poo mention in this post).
Oh wait, I know I just said that it wasn't appealing, but I've changed my mind.
This show is clearly pandering to me by having Josh and John wrestle each other.
Remember that random drama that came up in the premiere with no context whatsoever between Aaron and Cody? Well, it boringly returns to our lives as these two ding dongs OF COURSE end up having to wrestle each other. During their muddy hugging, Katie can sense there's tension and anyway this is her face for most of it:
Coincidentally enough, this is also what I look like during every minute of every episode of every season of this show.
Aaron ends up "winning" the date (again, no one really wins here except maybe all of the bacteria in that mud) so he gets to spend a little one-on-one time with Katie who is like hey, wanna boop my nose:
Katie asks what's up between him and Cody and Aaron finally tells her AND ALL OF US that they know each other from "back home," aka the really tiny bumpkin town of SAN DIEGO. Dear God. This reminds me of those two women from last season who knew each other from the very small village of Chicago.
Aaron says he doesn't like Cody based on his past "malicious" behavior and he doesn't think he's here for the right reasons based on things he's posted on social media about wanting to get famous. Which makes sense because why else would Cody be a zipper salesman, if not for the fame.
With this on her mind, Katie kicks off the evening portion of the date by chatting with Cody's Bond villain looking ass first.
Doesn't he just look like he says "well, actually" several times a day.
Katie tells him that Aaron described him as malicious and unkind and Cody very flatly responds with "that is not factual," which is exactly how a malicious and unkind person would respond. Katie finds his response rehearsed and having lost all trust in him, decides to send him home where he can return to probably peeping in people's windows.
While all of this is happening, the guys are just waiting, which is especially frustrating for Brendan who wore his favorite deep v-neck tee that Katie isn't even getting to see.
Katie returns to the guys and lets them know she sent Cody home before saying she needs a few moments to gather herself. Andrew S., who as a reminder thinks British accents are a "hobby," is the first to check on her and emphasizes that he's here for her.
They then talk about their childhoods and bond over not growing up with a lot and in the end, Andrew S. gets the group date rose.
While I joke on him, he's super cute and will likely be here until at least the top 10. But to be clear, Andrew S. is a shoo-in for Bachelor in Paradise.
The section where I scream about John and Josh
There is no point to this section except to reiterate how hot I think both of them are.
First, here's John showing us how he can sport a cuddly blanket AND ALSO a stern eyebrow raise:
I mean, the range, wow. Also, to answer your question, yes he is also very very good at wearing leather jackets:
Meanwhile, Josh continues to be the best in the house at smizing, having eyebrows and also wearing dark colors.
BUT, this week he also smiled WHILE WEARING a jean jacket. Impressive.
These are the two men I wish would've either been on Michelle's season or just showed up at my door instead.
Who is this man
Just checking in because I have zero recollection. What do you think his name is? He looks like a Craig or maybe a Doug. I'm guessing I won't need to learn his name anyway.
Did somebody order some drama at this party
We've reached the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party and you might be thinking, oh Cody went home, so the drama must be over, right? Ha, never forget that this show exists to torture us with pointless and made-up drama.
But before we get to that, Katie chats with this goofy looking dude first (allegedly named Michael).
As a reminder, Michael is 36 years old and has a son, two facts that would be treated as warnings if Michael was a woman on any season of The Bachelor. Remember how this show portrayed 30-year-old Elise (on Colton's season) as some sort of elderly woman? Literally every time she was onscreen someone was screaming "SHE IS THIRTY YEARS OLD." How dare women age past 29, absurd!
Anyway, Katie assures Michael that she didn't ask him on any of the dates this week because she didn't need any extra validation about how their relationship is progressing. Hmm, not asking someone on any of the dates because you are "so sure" of how much you like them that has always worked out well in the past OH WAIT, ABIGAIL HAS ENTERED THE CONVERSATION AND WOULD LIKE A WORD (justice for Abigail).
Sensing things are going a little too smoothly, the producers are like hey who wants to start some drama and Karl is like:
He really wants to cement his place as most annoying in the house, okay! To get the ball rolling, he uses his time with Katie for this conversation:
Karl: I know some people who don't have the best intentions here
Katie: K, who
Karl: I don't want to go into the details because I don't have the details
Katie: Okaaay, so what is making you tell me this
Karl: Hehe don't worry ;)
Katie: Wut
Karl: STAY VIGILANT AND TRUST ME
I know I usually exaggerate these conversations, but I'm recalling this one word-for-word. And this is Katie's face during it all:
It's incredibly bizarre, almost like he's having to deliver a storyline that he only read the Wikipedia intro for.
After this unsettling (and honestly confusing??) conversation, Katie confronts the entire room of guys to reiterate that she's taking this very seriously and only wants guys who are doing the same. And um, have these "BE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS" speeches ever worked? Would love to see a guy stand up like "OHHH! The right reasons! So sorry, I thought this was a show based on the wrong reasons only, my bad, I'll go."
Katie then asks to speak with Aaron because I guess he is the beacon of truth now, leaving the guys to learn it was Karl who launched this stupid rocket of drama.
When they all start questioning him, Karl says he doesn't think all of the guys are being authentic because he "heard some stuff circulating around." He adds that he doesn't want to "put anyone on blast" and like OKAY KARL too little too late because your blaster guns have already been used. His response is so incredibly bonkers, it's like his memory was wiped and he doesn't remember Gossip Girl'ing to Katie 30 seconds ago.
After Aaron tells Katie he has no idea what dumbass Karl is talking about, she retreats to the ol' pizza oven to cry.
And that's the stupid note this episode ends on.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Katie totally Clare'd her season and straight up picked Greg next week.
I guess we'll see because we are all enduring this together. See you next week! Til then find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
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