Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

Welcome to the 10 millionth season of The Bachelorette! Otherwise known as the season we're all just coasting through while waiting for Michelle's season to premiere. In case you missed the $5 promos ABC threw together, this is Katie's season.

Love how no matter what, this show makes the women have Toddlers & Tiaras waves in the first episode.

You probably remember Katie as the woman who brought a dildo to night one of Matt's season. She then rose to fame (sure let's call it that) during that season by first being a bully and then being like "omg, I hate bullying," before Matt was like "I like you, but I don't like like you," so anyway here we are.

She says getting to this point as the Bachelorette has been "the longest wait" of her life, which I mean it's been 10 minutes since you were on The Bachelor, the wait was actually pretty short. She's also clearly never microwaved something for a minute before.

With that annoying bird Chris Harrison out of our lives, Katie is being guided on this journey by our new cohosts: 

I'm not sure why ABC keeps making Tayshia share the spotlight, first Clare and now Kaitlyn. We are all very very okay with 100% Tayshia Time. 

Before Katie meets all of the men, she sits down with her "friends" Tayshia and Kaitlyn. I want to say that it's clear these women have literally never met before.

Kaitlyn is closing her eyes because she's racking her brain trying to remember where she knows Katie from. 

During this time, Katie shares that she doesn't have a type when it comes to appearance and all of the guys she's dated before have "looked different" aka she's only dated ugly guys. She also adds that whoever she chooses has to be comfortable talking about sex because if he's not, he won't blend in with her or her family. Which totally get it girl, can you imagine sitting around the table at Thanksgiving sharing sex stories with your parents and grandparents and your fiancĂ© won't contribute?? Embarrassing. 

After meeting each other for the first time, Katie leaves to meet the men while Tayshia and Kaitlyn retreat to what appears to be a tiny bathroom window to watch the action through.

Let's get to the men! 

But first, lots of this

Approx 98% of the men greet Katie with ass-out hugs or even one-armed hugs, which wtf. If I had quarantined for two weeks and finally got to be around people again, I'd want full ass-in, crotch first hugs. We're talking full front-to-front hugs.

Who I think Katie's frontrunners are

Connor B.

He gets one of the video intro packages, meaning the producers are trying to make us remember him. Connor is a 29-year-old math teacher from Nashville, but what he wants us to know is that he's also a musician.

A wannabe musician from Nashville who insists on using his screentime to sing — WE CANNOT TRUST THIS MAN. Did we learn nothing from that cheating dumbass Big Head Jed from Hannah's season.

Fortunately, he doesn't involve music in his first meeting with Katie and instead cat-ches her eye in a different way (hehe, you're welcome):


He says he heard she loves cats (she does), which like okay, great that he knows one of her interests but was this necessary. I love Doritos but I don't want a man to pick me up for a date dressed up as one jk that actually sounds really great, nevermind I get this now.

During their one-on-one time later, Katie puts on Connor's cat ears and they meowk-out (not my best, sorry):

Looking like two people who found each other right before the lights come on in the nightclub on Halloween. Connor obviously gets a rose, but despite putting his best tongue forward, doesn't get the first impression rose. That ends up going to...


Greg is super unique because he works in marketing in New York. This expression is a pretty good representation of his entire demeanor, which is that of a man who is trying to hide the fact he just farted and gets very defensive at someone accusing him of farting. He also gets an elusive video intro where we learn he's the youngest of his siblings, who are all "popping out kids." Later, when he meets Katie, he reiterates that "everyone is popping out kids" like they're zits or something before telling her that she is a girl he would go up to in a bar. SWOON. And they say romance is dead. 

I actually have no idea why this man gets the first impression rose, maybe because Katie says he reminds her of her ex. And that's totally the point of this show, finding someone who reminds you of one of your exes.



Tre arrives by jumping out of a ball pit in the back of a truck and tells Katie he's "here to have a ball" with her because he heard she's "a baller Bachelorette." Katie's boring ass then disappoints the nation by not responding with "I hope you have the balls to keep up." 

Later, they have their one-on-one time in said ball pit and he talks about how close he is with his family.

I thought this was cute okay (and I love some themed puns) and Tre ends up getting the first rose during the first rose ceremony.

Now with Katie's top three out of the way, let's get to what's more important here.

Who my frontrunners are


John is a bartender from Pacific Beach, CA and WOWWWW. I've got a bar for this man to tend. I'm sure there's also a joke I could make here using "cocktail," but my mom reads this blog sometimes and I can't have her reading that. I prefer to deliver my most inappropriate jokes to her in person. 

I just read his official ABC bio and he wants to "find a woman to share a burrito with." EXCUUUUSE MEEEE. If that ain't my mating call, a man looking to Lady and the Tramp a burrito with. I would make out with this man the moment he stepped out of the limo. Quality assurance, you understand.

He's also so sweet because while most of the men scurry into the house after meeting Katie, he adorably turns around to remind us he is in fact hot. 

Giving us the ol' Bradley Cooper in "A Star is Born," "just wanna get another look at you" moment.


Josh is an IT consultant from Miami who I just filed a ticket with because I've got something that needs rebooting. I enjoy his entire face, but wow those brows. Those lashes. WHAT'S HIS SECRET. I don't actually remember his conversation with Katie, but throughout the night we get so many shots of him just smoldering.

Oh this reminds me that I'm also sort of interested in this man on the left, Andrew M., who is a deputy district attorney in Newport Beach. Very sorry to the man on the right, who looks like he might be named Ken or Dustin, for having to stand next to these fine men.

All of my interests — Hot John and Josh and Andrew M. — get roses, so I can continue to obsess over them next week. Actually, I think even that pinkish man Ken or Dustin or whoever he is gets a rose too, so wins for everyone in this section.

Guys whose "thing" I didn't get

Andrew S.

Andrew is a pro football player from Austria and we get some clips of him in quarantine faking an English accent while delivering lines from "Bridgerton." This carries into meeting Katie for the first time, where he fakes an accent and tells her he "crossed the pond" to meet her. Katie is like umm ok before he's like HEHE I'M KIDDING I'M FROM CHICAGO BUT I TOTALLY GOT YOU. He mentions that this fake accent is a "big part" of him?? Which, okay???? That's a hobby I guess??

As a reminder, faking an accent is not new. Bri did it during Colton's season:


Except she kept that Australian accent going throughout the first night. Also, she wore great earrings, so, just giving Andrew notes for next time (he gets a rose anyway).


James arrives like this and tells Katie if she wants to "open the gift" she'll have to find him inside, which wtf? If I were Katie, I would not let this dick in a box tell me what to do, I'd just ask where the gift exchange counter is. He does finally meet Katie and we learn things were in fact much better when he was inside the box.

He is somehow every Batman villain rolled into one container of hair gel. Not really sure how that's a gift. Katie seems to like him though, maybe because overwaxed eyebrows are her thing, plus she's smitten by the fact that they "keep making eye contact." Eye contact. The bar is incredibly low here. Besides the fact that his suit sort of looks like felt, he also drinks like this:

He looks like he doesn't own a bedframe, just a mattress on the floor. I guess we'll find out because he and his backwash are gifted with a rose.

Guys I think we should all take restraining orders out on

SKIN SALESMAN??? I guess when your job is your passion, it's not work. You will not convince me that this man does not procure the skin on his own. To really round out this horror movie plotline, Jeff lives in a camper from the 70s that Katie is brave enough to check out.

He offers her a tray of veggies and iced tea while saying "Don't worry, it's JUST iced tea." Oh okay, that makes me feel much better! Only non-creepy, non-murdery men insinuate they haven't put something in your drink. Very normal! And lastly, the thing that confirms he is a monster is that he proceeds to loudly eat celery while Katie is talking. Has he not heard that eating on this show is strictly prohibited. 

But, in his defense, there are zero moments of him intensely staring at Katie's skin while touching it and saying "wow, so smooth, this would be great on...." So yeah, things could've been worse. Thankfully, she does not give him a rose.

Next up, this is Cody and he's a "zipper sales manager." For some reason that fact along with his face creep me out to no ends. He looks like he would for sure watch you sleep. When he meets Katie for the first time, he says he wants to introduce Katie to "someone" who has helped him through these hard times and anyway it's this:

I know he wants her to think this is a fun joke, but look at this man. He def has at least one of of these dolls at home. He is the picture you'd imagine would accompany the headline "Man proudly marries sex doll."

And I'm apparently not the only one put off by Cody as we get this random, out-of-left-field (planted) dramatic encounter between him and Aaron.

Seriously, when this happened I thought I had missed like 15 minutes or something because we aren't provided with any additional context before or after this conversation happens:

Aaron: I don't like you, but that's fine
Cody: ....okay
Aaron: It's not my fault I don't like you
Cody: I disagree

Really love Aaron's whole Gretchen Wieners "not my fault I'm popular" rationale here. My guess is the producers told the both of them they could stay for week two if they participated in this made up argument (because both get roses).

This season's lookalikes

Christian is from Boston and you probably remember him as Charlie's stepdad Neil in "The Santa Claus." We'll get to see the sequel play out because he ends up getting a rose.

Gabriel is an "entrepreneur" from Charlotte who is also into pretending to be Julia Roberts' fiancé and leading everyone in a rendition of "I Say a Little Prayer." When he first meets Katie, he asks her if they can "do" one of his "favorite hugs" and in summary it's just a hug that lasts entirely too long and involves deep breathing. Unsurprisingly, he is sent home roseless.

And now a guy who I didn't think fit into any of these categories...

When she's just not picking up on your vibes

This is (apparently) a man named Brandon. I don't actually remember his arrival and most of the reason we see him at all is because he strategically places himself next to one of the two hot guys. For example:

Do you think he's hanging by a moment here with you or do you think he wants you to look at this photograph. I bet for your birthday, he'd get you the priceless gift of "positive vibes sent out into the universe." Anyway, he's sent home without a rose so we'll never know which member of Imagine Dragons he is.

The first rose ceremony

During the first ceremony, Katie gives out all of the roses grown in New Mexico this year. Like if you don't get a rose, it's pretty embarrassing because there's at least 50 roses here and only 30 guys. 

Before she hands them out, she says "If your name is not called, it has nothing to do with you as a person." Oh okay, makes sense, it just has to do with them as a kangaroo. 

I've noted some of the men who didn't get roses, but in case you're wondering about everyone, we say goodbye to Creepy Skin Van Man, Rupert Everett, Emo Brandon and men named Austin, Landon, Marcus and Marty. 

I'll wrap this up by saying that while Katie's group of men isn't the hottest (minus John and Josh), they are for sure among the tallest and sometimes that confuses your senses. Is this man hot or is he just tall? Anyway, can't wait to see how Katie works this out over the next several weeks.

See you next week! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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