Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by the best news to come out of this THREE-HOUR finale:

Our newest official Bachelorettes! Yes, plural. 

Katie's season starts filming soon in Albuquerque, which as we all know is most well known for La Cueva High School, where Freddie Prinze Jr went (yes this is the #1 fact you don't have to check). Michelle's season will film this summer so she DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM HER CLASSROOM AND KIDS ANY LONGER. This woman, I would pie for her (like eat as many pies as is required).

But this good news was announced in the last 4 minutes of the three hours, so I guess we should trudge through the other stuff first.

Meeting Matt's family

It's the final episode, so before Matt can decide who to not propose to, he needs our final two women to meet his mom and brother.

Long story short, both women tell his family they're in love with him and in return, his family likes them too and nothing particularly exciting happens. Oh, except we're reminded HOW MUCH WE LOVE MICHELLE (not that we need a reminder):

Before she leaves Matt, she pulls the ol' "Oh, I forgot something," and reaches down only to stand up with a snowball to throw at him. A SENSE OF HUMOR, WE LOVE TO SEE IT. This reminds me of the time I asked Dr. Chloe if I could throw a snowball at her and she said "fuck no" and I did it anyway and she said "fuck you" and anyway look at us now! Still best friends!

After both meetings, Matt sits down with his family with a nice glass of Mountain Dew to hear their unfiltered thoughts (kind of like how Mountain Dew is unfiltered from any chemicals). 

Matt's all positive and upbeat until his mom puts on some Lana Del Rey and is like "it's summertime sadness you ready" and goes on to tell him that "feelings come and go" and "love is not the end all, be all." Aww, thanks mom! She heavily emphasizes how serious getting engaged is and I guess Matt was unaware because he's like WAIT, GETTING ENGAGED IS LIKE, PRE-MARRIAGE? And it seems he has suddenly woken up to realize he's in his season of The Bachelor.

The existential crisis continues

After finally learning the premise of the show, Matt is in complete shock and proceeds to spend a lot of time staring into the distance WHILE SITTING ON SURFACES THAT ARE NOT SEATS. LIKE, THE PLACE WHERE YOU ACTUALLY SIT IS RIGHT THERE. WHY IS YOUR BUTT ON THE PLACE THAT PEOPLE EAT FOOD???

After placing his butt on all eating surfaces, Matt decides he needs some wise counsel. Unfortunately, no one wise is available, so he settles for this squawking bird.

Matt describes his doubts and says he's unsure if he's ready to "commit," so again um, not to bring this up, but WHY DID YOU COME ON A SHOW BASED ON....COMMITMENT???? Like this show has been on for 450 years and everyone knows the general idea behind it so Matt acting like this is all BRAND NEW INFORMATION is confusing.

With this in mind, sure let's head into final dates!

"Love requires a leap of faith," okay but, Michelle don't take it

Between putting his feet on seats instead of sitting in them, Matt has been eating doubt for every meal since he just learned what the point of The Bachelor is yesterday. He's not thinking clearly, so anyway let's head out on a date with Michelle, more specifically a semi-dangerous date that requires clear thinking!

They rappel off the side of the hotel, which tbh is pretty cool, and then hang out on maybe the most randomly placed couch of the season.

Mmmmm, nothing like relaxing on a West Elm couch on a helipad. Luxury. During this time, Michelle again tells Matt that she's in love with him and she can't imagine leaving here without him. When she asks Matt if he's feeling sure about what he'll do in two days, he's like "hehe, sure" so that's good.

Later that evening, Matt heads to Michelle's hotel room to hang out one last time and they chat before she gives him this gift:

She also has one for herself that says "Mrs. James" and the front of the jerseys features their team name of "World Changing Warriors" (MICHELLE IS ENTIRELY TOO THOUGHTFUL FOR ANYONE). All of this is finally just too much for Matt to handle, as the anxiety about his upcoming decision and also apparently a glob of peanut butter in his mouth, have built up to uncomfortable levels:

This conversation then ensues:

Matt: I've been having doubts because did you know this show is supposed to end with an engagement? Omg, just found out, wild
Michelle: [heart, slowly breaking] Okay so what are you saying
Matt: I've been trying to push through these doubts about us but *rambles rambles rambles*
Matt: Hehe no, I can't get there with you, so guess we should break up

Michelle starts crying because this is essentially coming out of nowhere, but don't worry, Matt comforts her by saying nothing and offering no further explanation. But he does hold her knee! 

THIS MAN, STRAIGHT IN THE TRASH. Matt then abruptly leaves and Michelle continues to cry because this man, who she thought just minutes ago she'd possibly marry, just dumped her out of nowhere with no reason whatsoever. During situations like this, we in the scientific community use the phrase, "Men ain't shit."

Matt "cries" outside, I think because he STILL has peanut butter stuck on the roof of his mouth:

He admits to Chris Harrison that he wasn't in love with Michelle and AGAIN mentions how unsure he is about being ready for marriage. He's then like "hey Chris did you know the point of this show is to get engaged" before saying he doesn't want to "rush into something." THEN WHY DID YOU COME ON THIS SHOW THAT'S CALLED "RUSH HOUR 4: RUSH TO THE ALTAR"???

Wrapping up this section by saying I already planned on never forgiving Matt for making Abigail cry, but now that he's also made Michelle cry, I WILL NEVER NEVER forgive him. 

No date for you, Rachaeiou(y)l

Because Matt is spiraling into his newfound reality of realizing he is the Bachelor, he's just not in the right headspace to go on a date with Rachael. And like this is middle school, he sends his friend over to blow her off.

She's all excited when Chris Harrison knocks on her door, which is already unrealistically optimistic because who in their right mind is this excited to see Chris Harrison:

He proceeds to tell Rachael that Matt needs time to think, so there won't be a date and then just leaves it at that, so that's super settling, very reassuring. Rachael is obviously hurt and sits on the couch pretending to be a stegosaurus because she's worried her relationship with Matt will also go extinct.

Even though Matt isn't in the right headspace to go on a date, he is totally okay with looking at engagement rings! That's way less serious! Much breezier!

While Rachael is stegosaurus'ing, Neil Lane pays his usual end-of-season, time-to-pick-out-a-ring-that-you-can-only-keep-if-yall-stay-together-for-two-years, visit. After looking through rings, Matt eventually chooses one and then we get a bunch of scenes of him being confused about what a ring is:

It's like he thinks this is Lord of the Rings and holding it to the light will suddenly give him clarity.

Does anyone actually think this man is going to propose

To recap, Matt sent home Michelle, discussed at length how unready he is to get married and cancelled a date with the one woman left here. So gee, I wonder if he'll propose!

The morning of, Rachael creeps around her hotel room acting like some heartbroken ghost, talking about how yesterday was the "hardest day ever" in her life. 

Really???? That was the hardest day ever?? One time a girl on my soccer team got tripped, sprained her ankle and FELL ON A BEE. Then when she was sitting on the bench nursing her SPRAINED ANKLE AND BEE STING, a stray ball hit her in the head. That's how we measure a "hard day" around here.

Anyway, she eventually gets her invite to the proposal site and I think we can collectively laugh at this show thinking we believe Matt wrote this letter:

I mean, look at the way the a's are written and those flirty k's, this note was clearly written by 8th grade me.

Before Rachael shows up, Matt paces around our final pizza oven of the season (please know that I do realize this is a fireplace). He says he loves Rachael and will basically decide if he's ready to propose when he sees her, which amazing that is what every woman wants to hear. Extremely loving.

I love how no matter the temperature, this show is like the proposal WILL take place outside and the woman WILL wear a sleeveless dress with NO access to a jacket.

Rachael shows up and instead of having her walk on leaves that are everywhere else on the ground, it seems the show has purposely set up a MUDDY WALKWAY, maybe as a signal to her that this is about to get very, very messy.

After trudging through the mud, Rachael reaches Matt and has to deliver her end-of-season-love-you speech. 

She tells Matt that no matter what, she feels lucky to have felt the way she does about him and she's never felt a love like this and she'll choose him everyday, from here on out. Matt's then like hey wanna play a quick game of Chubby Bunny:

For the first time this season, he actually says more than two sentences about his feelings, telling Rachael that he found everything he was looking for with her. And he loves her, BUUUUUUUT doesn't want to rush into a proposal (even though that's the point of this show and it's clearly stated from the beginning). In other words, he's like LET'S BE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND, K. 

So while Rachael isn't leaving here with a ring, fiancé, dignity or respect, she is leaving with a rose that will wilt and die probably within the next 20 min, so score!

And that concludes maybe one of the most anticlimactic season finales, ever.

In which no one actually misses Chris Harrison

As is tradition, the finale is followed by "After the Final Rose," but in breaking tradition, this one is actually pretty interesting. Emmanuel Acho (former NFL player and host of "Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man") hosts, meaning we weren't plagued with Chris Harrison's presence, so things are already on the up and up.

Emmanuel speaks with Michelle first and also up first is us acknowledging THIS LOOK — brows and makeup and hair and dress, WE ARE HERE FOR IT:  

We learn that the day after Matt broke up with her with no explanation, Michelle asked to speak with him AND HE REFUSED TO SEE HER. REFUSED. She says she didn't want to change his mind or anything, just wanted closure, which is a normal adult thing to want (and do). Matt and his beard then join the group chat:

Matt claims he "didn't know" Michelle was feeling so affected and hurt, which okay let's take this man out of the trash and throw him back in. You broke up with this woman two days before she thought you might propose! With no explanation! Of course she was hurt! Anyway, like he accidentally took someone else's McDonald's order, he apologizes with an "oop sorry!" and tells her the conversation should've happened.

Before she leaves, Emmanuel asks Michelle if she's still in love with Matt and Michelle is like LOLLLL no, but she says she cares about him and he taught her a lot about relationships. She adds that she hopes he moves on and also finds new phrases other than "thanks for sharing" and learns how to kiss with his eyes closed (HAAAAAAAA). And Matt's like, wait eyes closed??

Okay so by this point, you're probably wondering, is Matt still with Rachael? Especially after her racist actions surfaced on social media? 

Let's hear from Rachael first and again, these screenshots just happen:

You can tell how nervous she is by how red and blotchy her skin is. I know y'all have seen this happen to white girls in your college classes — they get nervous during presentations or whatever and their skin is suddenly like BLAM.  

Emmanuel asks why it took so long for her to release an apology after photos of her at an antebellum South party were spread across social media:

She talks about how "ignorant" she was (correction: is), but she's "taking steps to do better." Emmanuel then asks what those steps are and she gives him the default lazy response that she's "reading books and watching documentaries and listening to podcasts," but she doesn't specifically name anything. 

When Matt joins the conversation, he confirms they aren't together anymore (did anyone think they were). He says once the photos surfaced, he first dismissed them as rumors, but soon realized Rachael "might not understand what it means to be Black in America."

He adds that he was most disappointed in the fact that he had to explain WHY her actions in 2018 were problematic and that if she doesn't understand it, "there's a lot she won't understand" about him. 

Before wrapping up the interview, Emmanuel asks if they want to embrace and I think we can all hear Matt saying "HELL NO" in this moment.

So in conclusion, there were 450 women this season and Matt happened to pick one of the worst ones.

"After the Final Rose" concludes with good news though about the two upcoming Bachelorette seasons. Tbh, that's what the ratio should always be — two seasons of The Bachelorette for every one season of The Bachelor because the women (except Clare lollllllllll) generally have better judgment and better success rates (both on this show and in life).

Looking forward to being ENTIRELY too emotionally invested in Michelle's season (and just okay with Katie's season probably)! Congrats to all of us for making it through another season! Seriously congrats, it's a feat and I hope one day we can all escape this hamster wheel of watching.

See you all soon! In the meantime, find me creeping outside your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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