Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of Abigail with her crisp middle part, dark lip and double the hoops signaling we're about to get double the drama:

Because it's the Women Tell All! Probably the best episode of any season if not just for the 5 minutes of bloopers we get to see. 

The women are all like "let's lift each other up" before diving into 120 minutes of passive aggressive shit talking (aka "a light poo chat") so let's get to it.


Important to kick off the post on a positive note with our only NC girl, Khaylah! Making us all proud by wearing the best hoops of the night/season (so sorry, Abigail).

Like Justin Bieber performing live, that's just about the only note we're going to hit though as far as positivity goes. 

When did we enter a Forever 21

In terms of logistics, the producers have split the women onto two sides, with one side looking like that baby pink and nude section of Forever 21. You know it. You're vividly picturing it now. It's usually full of dresses like the one MJ is wearing. Just a sea of stretchy, taupe colored items.

The other side of women, on the other hand, are wearing all of the bold outfits I'm interested in wearing, but could never pull off.

Even Kit's 80s business woman top with the sleeves ripped off WWE style. Would be interested in wearing it.

Jessenia v. MJ

The first thing we dive into in this shallow pool with no water is the feud between Jessenia and MJ — drama that eventually built up to a 2-on-1 date sending MJ home. Reliving this dumbass sequence of events was only good for reminding us how Jessenia called MJ "MERE-DITH," which was hilariously petty. 

Jessenia shows up looking absolutely gorg, not a pore in sight, while MJ is also there, looking like she got her brows permed. And you're probably thinking, some time has passed and the women have had a chance to see how they were portrayed on TV so this is their chance to apologize and make amends for being rude ass bullies, right? Ha, MJ nips this redemption idea in the bud by not acknowledging how terrible she was and taking zero responsibility for her role in bullying the new girls (even after watching clips of her doing just that). She claims she was just "making jokes" and okay Bozo if you're doing that better get on back to the circus.

Final verdict: MJ, still shitty.

This is all a warm up for....

Shitoria back at it again

The main act of Shitty People Fest 2021 is none other than Queen Victoria, so perfectly portrayed in this screenshot that fate deemed necessary. Ryan, the dancer who Victoria referred to as a ho, brings this up saying it was even worse to hear it on national television. Shitty Tori then brings out the kerosene because it's gaslight o'clock. She asks Ryan if maybe she's too sensitive and that's increasing the "extent" of her "upsetness." UPSETNESS. UPSETNESS. UPSET. NESS. So not only are facts taking a beating, but also actual words. There is a 100% chance Victoria is someone who regularly says "irregardless" after doing things like misspelling your name in an email addressed to your email address that is literally your name.

Anyway, Victoria who has only festered in her own shit since leaving the show, responds with this hand gesture that is the universal sign for "I take no responsibility for this" and can't you just hear her saying "I mean, I'm sorry that YOU THOUGHT...."

She deflects by saying she's been called names and had memes made about her bra straps and swollen eye, so Ryan basically isn't allowed to be upset. The difference here is: A) If Satan is making his way out into the open via someone's busted looking eye, it's up to us to point it out! and B) Ryan is allowed to feel how she wants to feel, which in this case is EXTREMELY justified. Kit and Chelsea speak up for Ryan, too, and Victoria eventually admits the name calling was "completely unacceptable," before coming through with a big ol' "BUUUUUT we're all being called names and we're all doing the best we can do." And like, if that was Victoria's "best" what do you think her worst is? Horrifying.

Final verdict: Victoria still a monster.

Just two small town girls

Next up, the mom from Modern Family (allegedly named "Anna") and Brittany, who remember know each other from small town Chicago, rehash their drama that was actually one of the more heinous crimes of the season. Brittany says the rumor that Anna started about her being an escort was devastating in the moment and even worse to see on TV. She then relives her trajectory on the show that began with her arriving so confident before being torn down within 24 hours by a baseless rumor. Brittany brings up that if you Google her name now, the first results are about her being an escort, so it's still something she's living with.

Anna offers a single ply tissue to clean up this mess by saying "I'm sorry, this sucks" adding that there's never a reason to "take down another women." ANOTHER WOMEN. ANOTHER WOMEN. My brain and grammar, the two things being punished the most tonight. Anna does continue to apologize and Brittany accepts it.

Final verdict: Chicago has a population of 2.7 million, so yes let's continue to call it a "small town."

How dare you call the house toxic just because it was toxic!

After sorting through these feuds, it's time for everyone to pile on Katie for having the AUDACITY to tell Matt about the coordinated bullying going on in the house between the oldies and newbies. Chelsea and Mari (lolll girl we don't remember you) make the argument that it was actually Katie who made the environment toxic by bringing up the toxicity to Matt. They've clearly been taking Victoria's master class on reasoning because this is like if you were eating moldy bread and I pointed out, "Hey that bread is moldy" and then you flipped out screaming "YOU MADE THIS BREAD MOLDY!!!" 

Jessenia attempts to re-center the group by mentioning that Katie didn't bring it up to Matt to further her relationship with him, a thought that about 105% of them had not thought about. 

Final verdict: I never want to hear the word "toxic" uttered this much again unless Britney Spears is singing it in a bejeweled bodysuit.

These are the dates they should've shown

Now that we've gotten to involuntarily relive the drama that took up all of our time, we get to see parts of dates that were cut to make room for the stupidity. 


When I say I would have THRIVED and SHINED in this challenge. Like, imagine someone asking an NBA player if he can dunk on a kiddie hoop, THAT IS THE LEVEL OF CHALLENGE IT WOULD BE FOR ME TO EAT A TINY STACK OF PANCAKES AND DOWN A BIG OL' BEER. THEY CALL ME THE KARBS KILLA. I can't get over this. This clip was also hilarious because so many women spewed out their beer like comedic spit takes. 

Another date we weren't shown was the "box challenge," where the women had to reach into boxes full of NASTY ASS BUGS to retrieve an "engagement ring."

While this is disgusting, the strategy here is to go in with fists clenched and just get to punching. I have punched a bee before (to get engaged, standard protocol) and can attest to its effectiveness.

Another unseen date included a game of hide-and-seek in the woods (who knows why) where Bri found Matt's giant self hiding behind a tiny tree branch within 5 seconds. And then everyone eventually made their way to a hot tub (the natural ending to every hide-and-seek game): 

Well everyone except for Kit who basically got Frozen 2 lost in the woods for hours. 

The last date moment we didn't get to see was from the boxing group date. Matt had all of the women drink an egg because you're already risking your heart out here, might as well risk salmonella.

Dying at Kit demonstrating what I do when someone buys shots of tequila for the group. Also we get an interview from this date of MJ saying her "biggest fear" is eggs. EGGS? Because we all know scramblings are on the rise.

Anyway, pretty much all of these moments are exponentially better than half of the crap we've seen this season.

Why would you cut out clips of Tayshia and JoJo??

Another moment we didn't get to see was of Tayshia and JoJo's apparent visit with Matt. Not sure why the producers chose to edit this entire segment out, but forced us to watch Matt pretend to be friends with Ben Higgins. This clip in particular featured JoJo unknowingly eating really spicy wings and the entire 15-second aftermath is more riveting than approx 90% of this season. 

Speaking of being edited out....

So sorry, Heather

Anytime the camera pans out, we can clearly see a woman with long blonde hair sitting next to Kit (and you can sort of see part of her anytime Kit or Katie speaks). It's obvious this is Heather and like damn, not only were you denied by Matt and forced to drive yourself out of the resort in a minivan, but you were also completely edited out of the Tell All. Trifecta of rejection and sadness.

Time to relive your breakups, ladies

Speaking of sadness, a very thoughtful thing that happens in every Tell All is when the producers are like, hey remember when you got dumped on TV a few weeks ago? Let's relive it! 

Katie is first to watch a highlight reel of her relationship with Matt and while terrible, we do get to see this moment that I missed:

COMICALLY LARGE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. I MEAN THE COOKIES AND THE CHIPS ARE BOTH ENORMOUS. Those are def two-handers. After the cookie reel, Katie admits she didn't see it coming when Matt broke up with her probably because she wasn't paying any attention to the close bonds he was forming with the other women. We then segue into her pitch for being the next Bachelorette as she says she's "now 30 and questioning why" she's still single. And if we may recall, Clare taught us that if you are 30+ and unmarried, you'll probably die soon. Katie gives us the ol' "Does anyone want me" line and honestly I was sort of expecting them to be like "Well, we'll get to find out soon because you're the next Bachelorette!" But nope. Onto the next.

The biggest thing I want to note from Pieper's time in the breakup time machine is THIS OUTFIT. SUCH A LOOK:

The gold necklace! The middle part! The tube top! Probably my second favorite look of the night (we'll get to #1 soon but I think you know). 

During Serena P.'s time, she cries because this is the first time she's watched footage of her breakup with Matt. To refresh your memory, she is the one who shot right to legendary status when she broke up with Matt by telling him he wasn't her "person." 

She reiterates that she had her doubts heading into hometowns and hoped her family would provide reassurance about where she was headed with Matt, but when they didn't, it confirmed her doubts. She adds that she doesn't regret how it turned out because Matt now has three women who are all-in with him.

So we've covered Katie, Pieper and Serena P., but who did we miss? Oh that's right, the person....


Because I am so shy and quiet about the things I like, I probably haven't made it clear that Abigail should be the next Bachelorette. She's just one of the kindest and most genuine people to come on this hamster wheel of garbage of a show and she stands out because she has this very specific thing that we rarely see....a personality. GASP. And also, obviously, she's stunning. 

During her interview, she says that meeting Matt and getting the first impression rose was probably the closest she's ever felt to love at first sight. And Matt gave her so much assurance every time they were together until, well, he didn't. But she says she's a better version of herself now (which, I mean how, if her prior version was already peak) and she's ready to share this version of herself with someone who wants her. CRIES. Also crying because Magi wasn't in attendance meaning we got zero Magi'Gail moments. Sensing this shortcoming, Abigail did give us this on IG:

They were roommates! Which explains the best friendship. This happens in so many roommate situations, especially when one roommate is Korean, just ask Dr. Chloe. Happens 60% of the time, every time.

Oh yeah, I guess we should hear from Matt
Now that we've spread mess all over the stage by first confirming Victoria and MJ are still shitty and then making several of the women relive their breakups with Matt, it's time to bring Matt out! The conditions are swell out here!

Several of the women openly laugh at his new beard and someone even calls him "James Harden" (me, it was me). After laughing at his new Chia pet, the women then use the opportunity to be brutally honest with Matt by.......thanking him?? Yes, they thank him for dating them all at the same time and then dumping them on national television. This confused me more than the beard, tbh.

Because the producers thrive on creating a wave pool of emotions, after letting Matt feel uplifted by thank you's, they then bring him back down by showing a montage of clips of him kissing with his eyes open:

With everyone cracking up and the women confirming this was in fact a very weird thing to do, Matt tries to somewhat defend himself by saying he likes eye contact. But, um....when you're staring at someone and their eyes are closed, it's not technically "eye contact." I've learned this firsthand as several people have complained that they "do not like it" when I stare at them through their window as they sleep (who knows what anyone likes these days!).

And that's it! Honestly not that much telling, but I welcome any setting for us to have more proof that Abigail should be the next Bachelorette, so.

See you for Fantasy Suites next week (and the Finale the following week!). Til then, find me lurking around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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