Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Fantasy Suites)

This week's post is brought to you by Michelle, looking directly into the camera, realizing she is in fact too good to be here.

Okay that's not exactly the case, but we can continue to hope. 

It's Fantasy Suites week! And as a reminder for all of us (and for Matt), here's our final three women:

It's the last week before an engagement, which I guess means it's finally time for the women to actually get to know Matt, so let's jump in!

Why is this happening near the end of the season

Because he is required to propose next week, Matt realizes these relationships might be getting serious (I think getting engaged is serious, but what do I know). And since that's just around the corner, Matt's like omg I should probably open up now. But before he can do that, he needs to work through his commitment issues that are a result of the negative relationship he witnessed his parents have. To do that, he meets with his dad.

They have a pretty deep conversation where Matt tells his dad that he straight up wasn't there for him when he was growing up. His dad then tries to point the finger at his mom for leaving him, but Matt corrects him by saying she did it because his dad was cheating. 

Eventually, his dad apologizes for hurting him and Matt says he wants to move on and wants his dad to be a part of his life and his life with his future wife and kids. This was honestly a really genuine and insightful conversation, but umm....why is Matt addressing his "commitment" issues THE WEEK BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED? Again, I'm no relationship expert, but seems like you'd want to address that before telling 38 women you're looking to marry one of them? 

Matt in his ugliest sweater, just for Michelle

For his first date of the week, Matt thoughtfully shows up in this sweater that was custom dyed by a handful of highlighters.

This is actually the face I imagine he made when he spotted this sweater in the store, like "OHHH HIGHLIGHTER/PUKE YELLOW, NICE."

He surprises Michelle with a "traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa day," which is a collection of words I have never heard said together ever. But it apparently means their day is about to be full of dairy, just all dairy. From activities ranging from rubbing butter on each other to soaking in a milk bath to the decor of the room itself being covered in cow hides:

If this room is trying to recreate the feeling of being inside of a cow, great job, it's working. So romantic! All I can think about is how as a mildly lactose intolerant person, I would fart my way through this entire date, up until this point:

Surrounded by cow hides and covered in butter, I'm pretty sure getting into a tub of milk would generate enough gas to just shoot me like a rocket to the moon.

Post-milk time, they sit on a couch WITH THEIR SHOES ON (THANKS, I HATE IT) and Matt admits he was most comfortable around Michelle's parents during hometowns. Oh and they make-out.

Michelle says she's learned a lot from her parents (who've been married for 30+ years) about falling in love and also what it takes to stay in love, and she's ready to have that lasting love with Matt.

Later at dinner, Michelle wears this super cute dress and leather jacket combo:

And Matt wears a suit that made of the same material as the tablecloth and curtains :

Michelle tells Matt she wants to know why "he is the way he is" and Matt, for the first time this season, actually does open up to her. He admits he has insecurities that he realizes are rooted in the distrust, unfaithfulness and lack of communication he saw in his parents' relationship, but he wants to be the man his dad wasn't. He assures Michelle that's what he's been working on in his life and he's now ready for commitment (which again, is good since you know, engagement is next week).

Michelle accepts the Fantasy Suite card and they leave the blue room to retire to the pink room where she tells Matt that he's her person (lollll remember when Serena said he wasn't, hahaha memories) and she loves him and they kiss AND IGNORE THIS TRAY OF TREATS:


The next morning, when Michelle leaves, Matt yells out for her from the balcony and blows her a kiss and tbh I found this adorable. We are all in love with Michelle so Matt must be. And if/when he breaks her heart, I WILL BE SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS, bet you didn't see that coming huh.

No tension here, very light, very breezy

Something that is very sweet and not at all cruel, is how the producers make the other two women wait around to greet the woman returning from her overnight date. When Michelle returns, Bri and Rachael painfully smile, but the tension and discomfort are TANGERINE (like you can touch it, words are my passion).

We also learn Rachael's "worst nightmare" is Matt spending the night with another woman, so anyway welcome to Nightmare on Nemacolin Street because girl, that's the literal point of this episode.

When you think your Fantasy Suite is a tent

Bri, who admits she isn't outdoorsy and has spent the most time outdoors on this show, gets ANOTHER outdoorsy date after Matt tells her they'll be going hiking through the woods. They put on their backpacks, Matt calls her Dora the Explorer and we get a visual reminder that Matt is 15 feet taller than Bri. 

Looking like a dad and his daughter out for a morning hike.

After setting up a tent, Matt leads Bri into thinking this is where they'll be spending the evening (it's not, but gives us that great moment pictured above). They then sit around a campfire and talk and I'm still thinking about how 100% of Bri's dates have been outdoors. Like, they haven't given her one indoor painting class or spa day or anything, just making her be out here among dead trees and leaves. 

Later, they have dinner in the house owned by the hunter who killed Bambi's mom, apparently. There must've been some sort of BOGO deal on antler chandeliers or something because wow someone might call this....overkill.

Bri asks Matt how he feels about an engagement coming up in such a short amount of time and like he shared with Michelle, he tells her about the conversation he had with his dad and how it helped him get over his commitment barrier (again, that's good since he'll be engaged....next week). She tells him she feels 100% ready to be engaged and that she's so in love with him and he obviously invites her to the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning, we learn COMMS MANAGER BRI!!! does in fact have a weakness and it's that SHE DOESN'T FINISH ALL OF HER BACON???? 

Honestly, maybe this isn't even a weakness. Maybe she's just a thoughtful friend who knows I want an extra piece and this is her way of offering it to me. Aww, Bri!

Quick reminder

This show still insists on including this haunted ass skeleton key with every Fantasy Suite date card. You will not convince me that it opens anything BUT Martha Washington's diary. That's it.

Rach-aeiou(and sometime y)-l

Rachael, who has been grappling with the sudden realization that this show is The Bachelor meaning the man dates several women at once, is extremely in her head when she shows up for her date with Matt because she's spent most of the week doing this:

She can't even focus on the first part of their date, which is pottery making. But to be fair, I also couldn't focus because this show insists on unnecessarily amplifying the sounds of clay and water squishing together, it was like the mics were inside the clay. Surprised they didn't just top off the day by having someone eat a banana into a mic. 

Eventually, Rachael asks to speak with Matt because she needs him to reassure her that he doesn't just like her like Skechers, but loves her like a Prada backpack. 

I love how anytime one of the women needs to have a heart-to-heart, the show has them move to an area that looks like the set of a high school play.

She tells him she sees him as her future husband, so seeing him spend time with other women this week has made her feel the lowest she's ever felt (remember this is all before she "found out" she was racist, so actually, things can get lower). And as the final turn on this pressure cooker, she adds that she doesn't know what she'll do if she loses him. Which I take to mean, she could do something drastic or unpredictably wild like GET BANGS, who knows.

Matt's like omg don't get bangs and reassures her that he's falling in love with her too (the only one he's said this to??). He says her skydiving crash helped him realize this because it really scared him and made him imagine what "life would be like without Rachael." And this is her face as he's talking about her dying:

"MMM yes." And like, I get what he's saying, but also if it took me slamming into the ground for a man to realize he actually does like me, I don't know, that just sounds like an exhausting relationship ahead.

In response, Rachael tells Matt she's in love with him and with the tension lifted, they get back to squishing clay around and spreading it on each other.

Later, they meet in the nicest Fantasy Suite of the week and proceed to ignore this DELIGHTFUL shark coochie board:

Not a cheese sliver nor strawberry was eaten.

Rachael admits she's struggled with letting her "guard" down, which okay not to fact check, but Rachael has been VERY open about how obsessed she is with Matt both to Matt and to anyone who will listen, so unless she's referring to some sort of shin guard that she never removes, I don't know what she's talking about. Anyway, as he did with Michelle and Bri, Matt tells Rachael about the conversation he had with his dad and how it helped him have clarity about what he wants in a relationship.

Rachael then tells Matt he's all she thinks about, which isn't that amazing of a feat since there is literally nothing else to do in the hotel since they aren't allowed to watch TV, read books or use their phones. Matt of course asks her to stay overnight.

Last Rose Ceremony

All three women show up in GORG floor length gowns. 

Michelle (obviously) gets the first rose and Rachael gets the second rose meaning, hold on I will need an entire section to scream about this, buckle up.

When you realize you quit your job for this man


Matt tells Bri this has "nothing to do" with her and who she is, but I mean, he is....breaking up with her, so it seems like it does have a little something to do with....her, the person being broken up with. But again, what do I know. 

Anyway, I refuse to include a screenshot of Matt giving his pathetic breakup speech and instead, I'm gifting you with not one, but TWO Bris:

The good news is Bri can now go on Bachelor in Paradise and date Ivan or Brendan (or if she brings this mirror, she can date them both), so things are really looking up for the comms managers of the world.

And that's it! Our final two women, Michelle and Rachael, will meet Matt's mom and brother next week before Matt chooses who to propose to. I cannot tell you how excited I am!!....for this to be over, thanks.

See you for the finale next week! Til then, find me lurking around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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