Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Tre, demonstrating what I look like during 85% of 100% of every episode of this tragic show.

Percentages are finally getting their time in the spotlight, as we resume the drama generated by Karl, who says "I'm not 100% sure that 100% of the people here are here for the right reasons." 

After Karl vomits on the dance floor of this party (metaphorically), Katie's like okay everyone clear out, we're skipping right to the rose ceremony. And you might be thinking, well at least things are moving along quickly. Wrong. This rose ceremony is about to be 30 minutes of this 2 hour episode.

The world's longest rose ceremony

As a reminder, the guys with roses heading into the rose ceremony are: British Accent Fan Andrew, Tall Thomas and Disney Channel Heartthrob Greg. 

Katie quickly gets on a roll like you get a rose, you get a rose, you get a rose, but after she gives virgin Mike one, he's like wait this rose ceremony is moving along way too smoothly. 

He proceeds to tell Katie that he's speaking for all of the men in the house (except for Karl) when he says that what Karl said is not true. This blows Katie's mind because can you believe a man would lie? Wow. She steps away for a moment to consult with her two friends she just made 2 weeks ago.

Kaitlyn asks "what happened" probably because she wasn't paying attention since she does not know this woman. Katie explains that she planned to give Karl a rose, but now that she knows all of the guys agree he's lying, she doesn't know what to do. Tayshia and Kaitlyn then fulfill their primary role as hosts by offering zero helpful advice, but in the form of a motivational poster (you know, one of those ones in cursive) — "Ultimately, it is your decision." Thanks for the help, guys!

Katie returns to the group and hands out the rest of the roses and chooses not to give one to Karl, who by the way, said "if I don't get a rose, I'm not leaving, the military will have to drag me out of here." And anyway, this is his exit:

I know I was only in the Army for 4 years, but I'm pretty sure we are never called in to to escort out dumbass men on The Bachelorette. 

Along with Karl, Katie also sends home some nobodies who I don't remember as well as someone I do remember a lot:

HOT BARTENDER JOHN!! When he made his exit, I yelled at the TV "IF YOU'RE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU CAN DATE ME AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS" and this was John's response:

So like, omg wow, can't believe he's sending me such explicit signals. We'll be having a spring wedding, stay tuned for invites, Danity Kane is reuniting to provide music for the ceremony and reception.

Not really sure why Nick Viall is here, but okay

For this week's group date, the men are greeted by Nick Viall who tells them they'll be participating in a group therapy-like session, something this show and this man sure as hell are not qualified to do:

Katie wants the guys to share things from their past that may be uncomfortable to reveal, but necessary in getting to know every aspect of each other. And while uncomfortable at first, the guys get to sharing, which is proof that men will literally do anything, including going to fake unqualified therapy on TV, before going to actual therapy.

Several of the guys go really deep and share they've.....brace yourself....dated women before and...omg....BROKEN UP WITH THEM. Wow, thank you for sharing, so brave.

Hunter does share something substantial — he's been married before and has two kids. 

He says that while he never imagined being divorced, he knows he learned from it and will cherish being married when he's in the position again.

Former cat Connor B. who lacks any presence of lips, follows Hunter's deeply personal revelation by sharing his own through (fake) tears — he used to be a really big douchebag. 

He says in his 20s, he was a full-time musician at a piano bar and drank a lot and eventually cheated on his girlfriend. Wow, so he really is a Jed. But don't worry you guys, he read "a lot" of self-help books and has become a better person, so. 

Speaking of being a better person, that is something Tall Thomas is for sure, not. 

He kind of eerily smiles as he shares that there's lots of red flags about him that he's happy to share (but then doesn't share??) and that initially, he didn't know what to expect from the show and sort of only saw it as a platform. He adds that he even went on a date the week before arriving, buuuuut now his feelings are "real" for Katie, who by the way looks like this during his entire I'm-Here-For-A-FabFitFun-IG-Sponsorship spiel:

Katie is the last to share and she opens up about something that she says her mom doesn't even know about. She was "involved in a situation where there wasn't consent" on New Year's Eve 10 years ago and then entered into a relationship with that person. She says this led to her having an unhealthy relationship with sex and that it's taken a while for her to get the point she is now with being more comfortable with it.

It's incredibly courageous of her to share and again, I have to ask, why the hell is Nick Viall here??

Oh, a new villain

Later during the evening portion of the date, Katie circles back to Thomas' comment about "red flags" and asks him what he was referring to. Thomas responds by being like oh is this skirt steak because I'm about to skirt this entire question. He tries to divert her attention by talking about how much he likes her, but she's quickly like "Right, but you didn't answer my question." And this actually breaks his nonstop smile because he's baffled as to how she can't possibly be distracted by all of his smiling and avoidance of questions.

Their time together ends awkwardly and Thomas quickly realizes his manipulation wasn't quite on point and this won't do. He decides he needs to talk to Katie again, which he signals by creepily hovering while Katie is talking to Aaron.

Katie agrees to talk to him because he is literally hovering over them, which angers Aaron, who based on commentary throughout the episode I've decided has roid rage. But monotone roid rage, like he is full of anger but it only comes out in lower case letters. 

So anyway, this is Thomas' opportunity to clear things up with Katie and maybe be honest about his "red flags," right? Haha, girl no. He digs up that same bullshit and just tells her again how much he likes her AND THAT HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER???? This explanation works for Katie I guess, unless she's yelling into his mouth here and not kissing him:

I don't want to make assumptions, except oh wait I've got ingredients for assump and tions, let's make some assumptions — Thomas is for sure a man who tells you he loves you for the first time after you've caught him cheating. 

When Thomas returns to the group, Aaron is clearly upset and asks Thomas if he thinks his time with Katie is more important than Aaron's time with her. And Thomas says yes (not gonna lie, this was hilarious), especially because he told Katie he was falling in love with her.  Connor the Cat responds to this by saying he's "making a mockery of love," which is laughable because isn't this entire show a mockery of love??

Anyway, the Cat and his 2000s boy band look get the group date rose.

When you don't get to show your v-necks AGAIN

Because of the Thomas group date drama, a few of the guys don't get time with Katie, including Brendan. Ugh, not only did she not get to see his deep v-neck this week, but she ALSO didn't get to see his unbuttoned button-down. It's almost as if this BOGO deal at V-Necks 'R' Us wasn't worth it.

"What a gift to be able to fall in love twice"

Dad of the house, Michael, gets this week's solo date and hold onto your hearts and butts, we're all about to fall in love with him.

Katie takes Michael out on a dirt buggy, I think because this show just learned that women are allowed to drive. After inhaling a ton of dust and dirt, they sit in these weeds for deep conversation, a concept that I'm pretty sure Michael is one of the few in the house capable of understanding.

He tells her that he doesn't think this show "ends with an engagement," but rather, "it begins with an engagement." Phew. Hearing a man string together full, coherent sentences really gets my heart racing.

Later at dinner, Katie is served this GIGANTIC piece of chicken?? I mean this has gotta be like half a roast chicken:

Michael finally opens up about something he's been wanting to share with Katie. After getting married in 2012, he and his wife had a son and their life was perfect, but 7 months later, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. He talks about how they traveled the country, visiting hospitals and clinics looking for a cure for her, but never found anything that worked and she passed away in 2019. He adds that he's only ever loved one woman — his wife — but he's ready to open up his heart and he knows Katie is someone he can love. As final proof that this man is far too good for this show, he says, "What a gift to be able to fall in love twice." I MEAN, WOW.

Katie obviously gives him a rose and they makeout under the stars.

This man is exhausting

First he was involved with zipper salesman Cody's drama and now he's involved with Tall Thomas' situation. Whether or not he's at fault, I just find him incredibly tiring. Every time he pops onscreen with his mouth breathing, I am just tired (which could be a result of all the carbon dioxide he's emitting). Very ready for him and his isosceles triangle brows to go home.

This man, on the other hand

I would like to be exhausted by. OH PLEASE, THIS IS MY ONE COMMENT FOR THIS POST, ACCEPT IT.

Just send this man to BIP already

Because this Thomas drama is relatively new, we can't just let it fizzle out in the group date! Gotta keep the fun going! 

Before the next group date, the guys gather around in their American Apparel tees to question Thomas' intentions. 

Hunter straight up asks him if he's thought about being the Bachelor and Thomas says he can't be "disingenuine" with them, so he admits it was a thought on his mind before. Which wow, can you believe THIS MAN USED THE WORD DISINGENUINE??? DIS. INGENUINE. I don't actually care about his other admission because most of these men would jump at the opportunity to be the Bachelor, even if it was offered in the middle of Katie's season, so they're all being disingenuine.

And with that assault on words, the episode ends. Based on how Katie's been sending dudes home because at least two of the guys in the house dislike them, I'm guessing Thomas will be heading out soon.

See you next week as Katie continues to whittle down the guys until there is only one Greg left. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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