Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of The SeiTia Show:

I'll dive into their appearance later because you know I need ample time and space to yell about Tia. We've made it to hometown dates! Which is such good news because it means this longass journey is almost over.

How the show chooses guys

I'm pretty sure the only test is "Can you pick up this woman?" And if you can, you get to come on the show! Can you imagine how many scrawny-armed guys we've missed out on? Also, in my 30 years of existence I've never ran at a man and jumped into his arms. Well except for that one time. RIP to that pancake.

No one wants to harvest your tomatoes, Garrett
Garrett's parents own an agriculture business, so the beginning of his hometown date in central California is spent on a tractor in some fields. Becca says she could picture herself living this life because she "loves to plant things," which is like me saying I could picture myself being a hamburger because I love to eat meat.

Becca then meets Garrett's family. She tells his mom that the first thing that struck her about Garrett was his energy and positivity, the latter of which clearly didn't carry over into his Instagram habits. Becca also says that she's just looking for honesty, which is clearly a lie as we've already established she is just looking for a nice set of washboard abs.

We later learn that Becca feels a connection with Garrett because he's the only guy here who has been married and she's been engaged - so I mean, if that isn't reason to get together with someone, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I didn't particularly care about this entire date for reasons we've already discussed regarding Garett. To be honest, the only item of note is that his brother's girlfriend/wife looks like a cross between Malin Akerman and Sia.

Actually at first I seriously thought his brother was dating Ashlee Simpson and I was like what is American songbird Ashlee Simpson doing on The Bachelorette?

Chackin Wangs with Jason
Next we head to Buffalo, New York to meet Jason's family. I was fully prepared to be mad as hell if their date didn't somehow involve buffalo wings, but lo and behold!

They participate in a 1-minute wing eating contest, which is probably the best date I've ever heard of in the history of dates. But of course both of them suck and neither of them uses the ol' unzip the meat trick (ew you guys not like that), where you put the entire wing in your mouth and just pull out the bones, effectively unzipping the meat like a delicious jacket. And then Becca reverts to pretending like she's in some 90's rom-com by being cutesy and putting sauce on Jason's face. Wing eating is not a rom-com, Becca. It is war. Delicious war. And they've both ruined what should've been a great experience for me.

At one point, when asked if she wants blue cheese or ranch to dip her wings in, Becca says "There's no ranch in Buffalo!" and then everyone cheers as if she invented money trees. This mob mentality continues as everyone begins chanting for Becca and Jason to kiss and they of course do because in Buffalo it's law that if more than 2 people yell at you to do something, you have to do it.

I bet Becca had a hand outline of zits from Jason putting his oily, buffalo wing fingers on her face.

At the family dinner, Jason's mom asks Becca if she thinks she's found her person. Becca says that there's still a long way to go (I mean not that long girl we only have a few more episodes) and relationships to flesh out (not a good enough reason to use the phrase "flesh out"). And I mean, this is exactly what a worried mom wants to hear from the woman who is dating her son and also three other dudes.

Meanwhile, Jason chats with his brother and brother-in-law and tells them that he thinks he's surpassed the other guys in terms of where his relationship is with Becca. He also says when he's with her, "there's only one word to describe it." We never learn what this one word is but I'm pretty sure it's "boring."

Ultimately nothing dramatic happens and Jason sends Becca off by telling her he loves her and squeezing her head like a lemon.

Oh, Blake
We then head to the set of Twilight for Blake's hometown.

JK y'all, Twilight took place in Washington and this is Colorado. Blake takes Becca to his high school and we learn that during his senior year, there was a school shooting. This was particularly scary for Blake because his sister was also a student and his mom worked there. He recalls hiding in a classroom and finally being led out by SWAT and good lord, Blake has been through a lot. A school shooting. His parents getting divorced because his mom cheated on his dad with his teacher/coach. THE MAN NEEDS LOVE.

After this emotional revelation, Blake and Becca or "Blaka," as I like to call them as of 10 minutes ago, head to what I think is an auditorium where omg, a bunch of people and a concert are awaiting! The show never does this surprise ever!

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Except this time, the show actually booked Betty Who, a singer who matters (read: someone I have heard of). She sings and then for all we know ABC just plays a clip from any of their past episodes where they've had the couple dance awkwardly in front of random strangers.

Shout out to this girl who just thought she was coming to a casual Betty Who concert in a high school auditorium and instead has to deal with Blaka making out behind her.

Later, Becca meets his family and his parents are both concerned about this whole situation and don't want Blake to get his heart broken, which is the normal parental response to learning that your child is dating someone who is dating three other people. Y'all, I can't even imagine calling my parents to be like "I'm bringing home my boyfriend. But heads up, he's also in serious relationships with three other women, so you know, play it cool." Mama and Papa Mac don't play dat.

Anyway, Blake's dad tells him to be cautious because if Becca doesn't choose him then...well, he can go on Bachelor on Paradise is what he should've said.

Becca tells Blake's mom that she instantly felt like she knew him and they were on the same wavelength and that she's ready to be engaged again because she's already sold that other ring and doesn't feel like filling in that finger tanline.

Blake sends Becca off by professing his love and kissing her in slow motion. Long live Blaka.

The last section before we get to Tia
Our last hometown date is in Denver with Colton. Becca reminds us that he previously "dated" Tia, something she claims they've "gotten past," which is just a casual comment and not a setup for Tia's appearance later at all.

For the first part of their date, they buy some toys before going to hang out with some kids at the children's hospital.

This was objectively one of the most precious things and Colton honestly seems like a caring guy.

Before meeting his family, Colton tells Becca that he's never really brought a girl home because he takes it very seriously. And for the 589th time this season, we are reminded that he's only been in one serious relationship. At this point, Aly Raisman should get royalties for every time it's mentioned. And wait! Don't put that bat away yet, we're not done beating this dead horse. Colton reiterates that he and Tia only "hung out" once and it wasn't serious.

So now that we've covered the topics we are obligated to hear anytime Colton comes up, Becca meets his family. She tells his mom that she's worried about his lack of relationship (and other) experience, but his mom assures her that she can see him committing and it's clear that he's ready to take the next step with Becca.

Meanwhile, Colton takes time to chat with his dad. And while everyone is concerned about Colton being a newb, his dad is like "YEAH BUT SUP WITH BECCA'S BAGGAGE WITH BEING ENGAGED LIKE A MINUTE AGO? YO, SUP WITH THAT THO?"

Anyway, Colton sends Becca off by telling her he loves her, meaning Becca ends hometown dates week going 4-for-4 on I love you's. Definite resume addition.

Here to steal yo' man
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Becca decides she needs some advice from her "closest" friends, aka the ladies she spent like 12 weeks with and met under a year ago.

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Somewhere, her actual best friends are like "Dafuq?"

So Yale Seinne, Weiner Tia, Taxidermy Kendall, Baby Becca and Caroline (who I ran out of nicknames for) listen to Becca recount all of her hometown dates. Let's just relive all of this through Tia's inner monologue because it gives me a reason to share a sliver of the 450 screenshots I took of her lashes and brows:

"I'm so happy hometown dates went well for Becca!"

"Wait, where did I put my lip gloss?"

"Wait, forget the lip gloss. I'm not the Bachelorette. Wtf."

"I wish Becca would stop talking so I can casually tell her that I love Colton."

If the show constantly zooming in and out on her didn't get it away, Tia finally interrupts Becca's live reading of her diary to ask if she can speak to her in private.

Once they're outside on a balcony that is larger than my entire apartment, Tia reveals that hearing Colton is in the top 4 hurts her and has made her realize that she still cares for him. And apparently she just can't imagine leaving without telling Becca. Y'all know that I love Tia. But this is pretty shitty and selfish. Especially since we know Tia is gonna fall in love with Connor on Bachelor in Paradise (If I put it out there, it'll happen).

So we all leave this friend gathering wondering will Becca keep Colton around? Will she send him home to keep her friendship with Tia? Should I get bangs? Stay tuned to find out!

When you finally get to go home and don't have to keep repeating that you've only been in one relationship with an Olympic gymnast

Because she didn't get to see his abs this week, Becca completely forgets why she likes Colton and ends up sending him home. She says it has nothing to do with Tia and she had already made her mind up before their conversation.

Honestly, I was actually pretty shocked because I expected Jason to go. And now, do we think Colton will be the next Bachelor? Or do we think the show will hold off until after Bachelor in Paradise? So we can get to know Venmo John better and he can be it and I can get on the show and we can get married and have super cute Asian babies? I mean any of these options are possible.

What Becca should've based her decision on

These are the dinners that Becca had at each of the guys' homes. I don't even know if this is real food, for all we know it's just printed pictures of food pasted on pieces of styrofoam. Based on these meals, I'd 100% go with Colton because look at that giant mound of mac and cheese. And even though Blake is bringing what appears to be a filet of hot dog, I'd still keep him because of that buttery ass piece of bread. I don't need to provide any reasoning for Jason because the steak speaks for itself. And as it turns out, even in this scenario, Garrett would go because what psychopath fills 2/3 of a plate with salad and only 1/3 with pasta?! A true monster.

So we're down to Count Chocula Jason, Ignorant Garrett and Edward Cullen Blake. Now I'm guessing it'll be Garrett and Blake in the end, and she'll end up choosing Blake. Regardless, the end of the road is near! See you all next week!

Til then, find me sneakily taking pics of your dog and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's episode is brought to you by the name of this plane that the producers felt the need to zoom in on:

Just a subtle reminder that even the planes in the Bahamas thought Tia would be the Bachelorette.

Speaking of, we're in the Bahamas! Which I know, totally not as scenic as Richmond, Virginia. Becca begins the episode with the usual Bachelorette stare-off-into-the-distance scene while saying she's looking forward to no drama (lol do you know what this show is).

Bahamas week features 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date with the leftover chumps. In a series of events that surprises no one, Colton gets the first one-on-one. It's painfully obvious, if not just for her constantly gushing about how hot his bod is, that Becca is obsessed with Colton. Weirdly enough, the guys have a different viewpoint as they're all shocked he's chosen first. They proceed to Gossip Girl with each other, wondering if Colton will "bring up his secret."

Lemme see dat conch
Becca, who might have the biggest lady boner in the world for Colton, decides to bring him on a date that will obviously require him being shirtless (no complaints here). They go on a boat and mostly pretend to be Jack and Rose.

I will never understand the producers making couples do this tired ass shit. I've been on a boat several times and never have I wanted a dude, no matter how hot he is, to stand behind me while we pretend to be birds. You know what girls want instead of pretending to be a bird on a boat? Fried bird on a boat. Chicken wings, that's what we want, I polled every woman.

Between breaks of Titanic'ing, they chat and at one point Colton is about to reveal his "secret" when this dude pulls up in a boat asking if they want to dive for conch. After 10 minutes of exchanging conch jokes that were seemingly written by a bunch of teenage boys, they finally dive in. And at first they're holding hands WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SNORKEL, which is not romantic and just impractical. Because they're such expert divers, they come across this grouping of conch that were totally there naturally and not placed by the show at all.

They grab a couple of these prop conch and return to the boat where the guy from earlier preps pieces for them to eat. He proceeds to pull a part of the conch out that looks like a long booger but is apparently an aphrodisiac. Colton and Becca both eat the booger and then make out against the railing of the boat so anyway, I guess sea boogers really are aphrodisiacs.

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At dinner, Colton tells Becca that he hasn't had many girlfriends or dated a lot "because of sports." Gosh, haven't you all heard that before, that professional athletes just really have a hard time getting attention. He finally drops his secret that he's a virgin who can't drive (ok I added that last bit). Becca's eyes nearly pop out of her head as she screams REALLY?! before thanking him for sharing. Then, because she's extra as hell, she excuses herself to have a dramatic moment to herself.

I think I speak for everyone in declaring how disappointing it was that Colton's "secret" wasn't that he knows the 11 herbs and spices used in KFC's fried chicken.

During Becca's period of Mulan reflection, Colton appears more nervous than me in white pants at a barbecue. Here he is contemplating if he should stress eat those plates of lobster and juicy ass lamb:

Becca returns and says she doesn't judge him or think less of him and he says that he's not waiting for marriage or anything, just the right heart (DAWWWW). Blah blah, Becca gives him a rose because there's no way in hell she's sending that hot bod home.

Reminder: Garrett is garbage
While the guys are discussing Colton telling Becca he's a virgin, Garrett, being the evolved academic he is, says that if his girlfriend told him she was a virgin, he wouldn't marry her. AW SO SWEET! Becca chooses this Prince Charming for the second one-on-one.

For their date, Becca brings Garrett to the beach to frolic around like they're in a sexy music video. They proceed to makeout along the shore and all I could think about is how much sand both of them have in their swimsuits. Matching sandy asses, so romantic!

Later at dinner, Becca makes a toast that is word-for-word "Cheers to a good day" and Garrett compliments her ability to make amazing toasts. This is stupid because unless she shot LITERAL pieces of toast out of her hands, this in no way demonstrates amazing toast making abilities. They dive more into their feelings and Garrett says that he's an honest person and that if something was off, Becca would definitely be able to tell. Which is clearly not the case because she hasn't been able to tell that under his slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist facade is a slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist.

He tells her he's "beginning" to fall in love with her, which wtf does that even mean. Can't you be "beginning" to fall in love with almost anything? I just bought this bunch of bananas. I like bananas. Like is at one end of the spectrum of love, am I beginning to fall in love with bananas?

In the end, Becca gives him a rose and they conclude their date with a night swim scene straight out of the last Twilight movie.

I MEAN, WHICH IS WHICH? Honestly, had they just edited in that scene from Twilight, no one would've cared. Also, I'm sorry for bringing Twilight up.

In which we get to see Emo Blake dance
First, a collection of photos of Blake looking stressed after not being chosen for the first two dates:

Becca finally chooses this little ball of stress for the last one-on-one. Blake, who is more dramatic than a men's soccer player flopping around, says he was "barely holding on and the date card brought me back to life," which coincidentally enough is also the title of his debut song.

Speaking of, here are the concrete facts I know about Blake so far:
-He's tall and sweet
-He's just one pair of Vans away from starting his own emo band
-He cannot comprehend the premise of this show and cannot understand how Becca can date other dudes
-He has definitely said "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" to an ex before
-He thinks Yellowcard is an underrated band

For the first part of their date, Becca brings Blake to a surprise performance by the Baha Men who I did not know were still a thing. And look, I love surprises, but the number of times I have wanted to be surprised with Baha Men is approximately negative 10.

Thanks to our time machine that has apparently brought us back to a concert in 2000, we get to see Blake's 8-foot limbs bend in various 90-degree angles as he "dances."

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Later, Becca says that she sympathizes with Arie in regards to developing feelings for multiple people at once and dear God will this nagging Arie rash never leave us. Blake remains emo as he realizes that Becca has feelings for other guys BECAUSE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE.

At dinner, Blake admits he has trouble "opening up" which is pretty ridiculous since he's more open than a 24-hour diner. We learn that part of his emo nature stems from the fact that his parents got divorced when he was a teenager, after it came to light that his mom was cheating on his dad with his TEACHER AND BASKETBALL COACH. WTF. But he says he's trying to be as open as possible with Becca because he knows that not communicating can be detrimental to a relationship. And Blake may be emotional and dramatic as hell, but this boy used a four-syllable word on a show that features men who probably can't be trusted around hot stoves, and for that, I love him.

Blake ends the date by being like "I'm in love with you" and Becca's like "Coo" and gives him a rose.

Becca continues to be predictable
The second-string group date consists of Wills, Leo and Jason.

After the guys dramatic astronaut walk-in, they all "play" volleyball before getting to the real game of winning Becca's heart (OOOOOO, good one). Ahead of his alone time with Becca, Leo says that while the other guys can offer her a house and an easy life, he can only offer her love, which is undoubtedly a line from a Nicholas Sparks movie. They begin their chat by making out as he cradles her head like a melon.

Leo tells her that he knows they haven't had as much time together because he's been deep conditioning his hair, but he likes her and thinks their relationship can go somewhere. Becca steps in to shred the directions to "somewhere," giving Leo her trademark breakup line: "I don't think we're there."

And then, in what seems like a matter of 15 seconds, her and the other two dudes run onto this boat and leave Leo behind as if this is some weird version of tag where if Leo tags one of them, he gets to stay.

So at dinner, it's down to two. Jason tells Becca that he feels so freakin strongly about her and doesn't freakin want this to freakin end. But that's it. He doesn't say he's falling in love with her, just that he doesn't want his time on TV, I mean, their relationship, to end.

Wills, who is the most fly guy on the show because his wardrobe includes items other than lame ass navy suits and Henley shirts, tells Becca that she made him believe in love again and he's falling in love with her.

They all return to this tiny patio table and Becca proceeds to dramatically draw out her decision, while we're all distracted by this BIG ASS MOUND OF MASHED POTATOES:

She says that she needs a guy who is on the same page as her, which, if that page is love and a future together, Wills is there and Jason is not. So I mean obviously she chooses Jason. SHE CHOOSES FREAKIN ANDREW KEEGAN. You guys, to summarize: Wills was like "I love you" and Jason was like "I don't know, you're okay I guess" and Becca was like "OMG JASON YES." I hate this show. Also, I realized why seeing Jason makes me crave chocolate cereal:

So Wills leaves and it's pretty sad because it's clear he truly cared for Becca. And even sadder is that I still didn't get a bowl of Count Chocula cereal.

This week taught us that Becca is looking for one thing in a partner: A smokin hot bod (read: Colton). She talks a big game with this whole "please be honest with me" bit, when in reality she just wants dat six-pack.

My guess is her final two will be Colton and Blake and she'll ultimately pick Colton. Blake will then write an entire album about this experience and it'll peak at #25 on the alternative music charts.

If I haven't said it enough, I hate this show. Thank God Tia is returning to our lives in next week's episode. And here's to hoping she finds love with either Venmo John or Lionel Messi Connor on Bachelor in Paradise.

See you all next week as this ship keeps a'sinkin! Find me eating the food in your fridge and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's episode is brought to you by the guys who Becca has had the most intellectually stimulating conversation with thus far:

"I'm starting to feel the feelings of love again"
That's not just what I say when I finally eat Taco Bell again, it's also what Becca confesses upon letting us know this episode takes place in the bustling metropolis of Richmond, Virginia. Apparently the production budget ran out for the week. Also, thank you to the producers for this super helpful visual:

Before the dates even begin, Lincoln and Ben Stiller-lookalike Chris get into a dumbass argument. Chris, who is in some sort of competition with himself to see how many words per minute he can say, mentions that he "wants" either a one-on-one or a two-on-one date. This rubs Lincoln the wrong way as he thinks you should take what you can get. They proceed to do this thing where they're not making eye contact but essentially yelling back and forth "You're dumb" "No you're dumb" "No you're dumb" and all I could think of is, do think these dodos try to put their pants on both legs at once.

This all bubbles up with Chris telling Lincoln he "would destroy him." Which, if we know anything about dudes, it's that ones who say they will "destroy" anything can literally only destroy a toilet after a buffet, so.

Wait, when did Jess Mariano arrive

Jason continues to serve us 90s heart throb vibes by giving us Milo Ventimiglia in Gilmore Girls this week. He's chosen for the first one-on-one and Becca tells him she has a lot of "surprises" in store, none of which involves leaving Richmond, which would be the greatest surprise of all.

One of Becca's "surprise" stops is this local donut shop where they reenact the scene featured in every romantic comedy that involves food - they glaze this giant heart donut and omg you guys, they're both so quirky and get glaze on their faces before Becca, because she's such a kidder, tries to stuff a piece of the donut in Jason's face. Gee golly, love is so funny!

After visiting some other historical sites, they head to the Edgar Allen Poe Museum and its "Unhappy Hour," which appears to be a gathering of people who take themselves very seriously and likely refer to Edgar Allen Poe as "Ed" and think he's still alive. Jason joins in with this lady who's doing some sort of weird goth dancing (is that a thing?) and honestly this entire part of the date was in...POE....form (haha omg you guys are so lucky to have me).

Post-weird dancing, they head to this brewery where Becca surprises Jason with his best friends from home who all look like off-brand versions of various celebrities:

They get to know each other and Jason's friends seem to like Becca, ultimately telling her that if she gets him, she gets all of them also, which is great news for her attendance at future Dawson's Creek and Friends conventions.

During dinner, Jason talks about his grandma having Alzheimer's and how it impacted his dad and made him realize you can't take anything for granted, which Becca agrees with having experienced losing her dad. It's actually one of the deeper conversations I've seen on this melting ice cream cone of a show, and it made me like Jason more.

In the end, they both say they're falling for each other, she gives him a rose and there's a shit ton of kissing.

"It's my time to shine"

Chris thinks the group date will be his time to shine when we all know that the only shining happening is on his forehead.

For this group date, they all head to the capital where the guys participate in something that mimics a political debate.

Things are going alright at first - Colton says his ideal date with Becca would be an afternoon at a dog park, Connor talks about his perfectly coifed hair, Wills says that Becca makes him feel like he's on top of the world.

But things take a turn for The Kookoo Igloo when Lincoln takes a dig at Chris by saying unlike Chris, he's never thought of packing his bags to leave (cue the OOOOHHHH). This provokes Chris' word vomit and the words just start pouring out nonsensically, which is always the best way to prove to someone that you are not crazy and completely in control of your emotions. I didn't pay attention to anything he said because I was distracted by his giant orange handkerchief that reminded me of those endless scarfs clowns pull out of their mouths.

I kept thinking he was going to show us a magic trick, aside from how to make a woman disappear (OOOOOOOHHHH). Becca and Chris Harrison's reactions to Chris' ramblings together actually perfectly encapsulate everyone's reaction:

During the evening portion of the date, Lincoln is still chugging the haterade and tells Becca that he's "scared" of Chris and what he might do. Becca brings this up with Chris, asking him a lot of questions about his behavior, which just gets his mouth gears a'goin. Chris says that everything Lincoln said is fabricated (who taught him that word) and follows this up with the greatest hits album by Toxic Dudes You Shouldn't Date, which includes such classics as "How can you even ask ask me that" and "Whether you want to believe me or not" and also "It hurts me that you would ask that."

As with every interaction with Chris, Becca leaves the conversation feeling like she just ate sashimi at a hot outdoor market in Iowa - unsure of what just went down and pretty unsettled. During her time with racist Garrett, she can't even concentrate on the ugly ass cowboy boots he insists on wearing because she is in such a "bad headspace."

She eventually gathers herself though and spends time with the rest of the guys and ends up giving the group date rose to Tia's ex Colton.

When you remember you're a 100-year-old vampire and wonder how you got here

WHOOOOOO IS THAT GIRL I SEEEEE

Never discount my God-given ability to only capture screenshots of people blinking. Shoutout to ABC for this super emo Joey Potter'esque moment of...reflection (WOW YOU GUYS WOW).

In which we go on an oyster date but barely eat any oysters
Becca, who is "emotionally exhausted" chooses long-haired Leo for the second one-on-one date at an oyster farm. They take a little plane ride over and while Leo preciously holds her hands, Becca looks about as interested in it all as I am in sugar-free candy.

She tells him that she isn't her full self yet after last night's events, and again I have to reiterate, SHE KNEW WHAT THIS SHOW WAS BEFORE SHE SIGNED ON. Like, she was LITERALLY on the show before. She understands that the premise is to meet 500 bogus dudes, 80% of which probably just learned that penicillin isn't made from pencils, in hopes of finding that unicorn of a man who can tell left from right without having to make an L with both hands.

After detailing how "emotionally drained" she is from talking to a bunch of dudes because she is on a show based on talking to a bunch of dudes, she feels better. They then board a boat to head out to gather oysters which seems to mean picking them up off the floor of this river. I thought this part of the date was pretty cute and Leo seems like a genuinely sweet guy.

Cuteness aside, these dodo birds picked maybe 3 oysters total and ate one each. How are you gonna be surrounded by fresh ass FREE oysters and not eat 50 at minimum? I hate this show.

Later, dinner takes place at the foot of some stairs in what appears to be a fancy library or an abandoned hotel.

Leo says that he has always looked up to his dad, but always felt like he failed him and in general just wasn't good enough. Becca responds by telling him he's an amazing person before making out with him and giving him a rose.

And because it's been a while since we've ended a date with a random ass concert with a vageuly country'ish singer, that happens. Becca and Leo dance in front of a room of strangers who Becca claims are "fans" of this singer. As you can tell from this photo, everyone was really captivated by him.

Oh good, more Chris
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Chris realizes he's 400 words short of his daily goal and that just will not stand. He walks over to Becca's hotel and in what may be the most unbelievable act of the entire show, she answers the door still in full makeup, hair and her dress.

I have polled every woman and we all agree that you do the following things when returning to a hotel room: 1) Remove bottoms 2) Remove top 3) Remove makeup 4) Roll around the really cold sheets on the hotel bed 5) Watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians while ordering 3 plates of fries from room service.

I need to note that on his walk over, Chris says that Lincoln is a monster because he eats 12 eggs a day and his cholesterol must be so high. This might be one of the least effective yet medically true insults I've ever heard.

Anyway, in Becca's hotel room, Chris plays more hits from his most recent album, "Desperate Crazy Guy." He tells her that he can see himself proposing and Becca reminds him that just last week, he threatened to go home, to which he says "I need you to not think about that anymore." She goes on to tell him that his dramatic behavior really dragged down this entire time in AMAZING Richmond. He calls that "adversity" and says he won't let it stop him from pursuing Becca and I swear I thought he was going to reveal he had gotten a back tattoo of Becca's face.

Ultimately, Becca tells him that they're not "there" and they'll probably never get there and it's the end of the road for him, which upsets Chris because he's still 25 words short of the world record for most words said in a day.

We are reminded just how fragile the male ego is when Becca asks to walk Chris out and he says "Nah, I'm good" and she's like "I'm going to walk you out" and he's like "I don't need a walkout" and honestly at that point I wish she just would've started singing "NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE."

And with that, we are rid of Sweaty McCrazy Pants!

GOODBYE MY LITTLE STUD MUFFIN

It is confirmed: We cannot trust Becca's judgment. She sends Connor home (along with Lincoln who we do not care about) and if I'm being honest, I'm shocked he stuck around this long. Aside from the first week, I do not remember him interacting with Becca AT ALL. In a way, I respect her for keeping him around for so long, purely as a visual stimulant. And look, just as men shouldn't objectify women, women also shouldn't objectify..HAHA JK omg I would pay money to date this spicy little nugget. Til then, I guess sliding into the DMs will have to do.

And that's it for the week! Now that Connor is gone, I'm ready for this season to be over so we can move onto Bachelor in Paradise, which by the way has cast all of the best people including my main girl Tia! Who we can only hope ends up with Venmo John.

See you next week! As always, find me creeping in the bushes and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).