Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of The SeiTia Show:
I'll dive into their appearance later because you know I need ample time and space to yell about Tia. We've made it to hometown dates! Which is such good news because it means this longass journey is almost over.

How the show chooses guys
I'm pretty sure the only test is "Can you pick up this woman?" And if you can, you get to come on the show! Can you imagine how many scrawny-armed guys we've missed out on? Also, in my 30 years of existence I've never ran at a man and jumped into his arms. Well except for that one time. RIP to that pancake.

No one wants to harvest your tomatoes, Garrett
Garrett's parents own an agriculture business, so the beginning of his hometown date in central California is spent on a tractor in some fields. Becca says she could picture herself living this life because she "loves to plant things," which is like me saying I could picture myself being a hamburger because I love to eat meat.
Becca then meets Garrett's family. She tells his mom that the first thing that struck her about Garrett was his energy and positivity, the latter of which clearly didn't carry over into his Instagram habits. Becca also says that she's just looking for honesty, which is clearly a lie as we've already established she is just looking for a nice set of washboard abs.

We later learn that Becca feels a connection with Garrett because he's the only guy here who has been married and she's been engaged - so I mean, if that isn't reason to get together with someone, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I didn't particularly care about this entire date for reasons we've already discussed regarding Garett. To be honest, the only item of note is that his brother's girlfriend/wife looks like a cross between Malin Akerman and Sia.
Actually at first I seriously thought his brother was dating Ashlee Simpson and I was like what is American songbird Ashlee Simpson doing on The Bachelorette?

Chackin Wangs with Jason
Next we head to Buffalo, New York to meet Jason's family. I was fully prepared to be mad as hell if their date didn't somehow involve buffalo wings, but lo and behold!
They participate in a 1-minute wing eating contest, which is probably the best date I've ever heard of in the history of dates. But of course both of them suck and neither of them uses the ol' unzip the meat trick (ew you guys not like that), where you put the entire wing in your mouth and just pull out the bones, effectively unzipping the meat like a delicious jacket. And then Becca reverts to pretending like she's in some 90's rom-com by being cutesy and putting sauce on Jason's face. Wing eating is not a rom-com, Becca. It is war. Delicious war. And they've both ruined what should've been a great experience for me.

At one point, when asked if she wants blue cheese or ranch to dip her wings in, Becca says "There's no ranch in Buffalo!" and then everyone cheers as if she invented money trees. This mob mentality continues as everyone begins chanting for Becca and Jason to kiss and they of course do because in Buffalo it's law that if more than 2 people yell at you to do something, you have to do it.
I bet Becca had a hand outline of zits from Jason putting his oily, buffalo wing fingers on her face.

At the family dinner, Jason's mom asks Becca if she thinks she's found her person. Becca says that there's still a long way to go (I mean not that long girl we only have a few more episodes) and relationships to flesh out (not a good enough reason to use the phrase "flesh out"). And I mean, this is exactly what a worried mom wants to hear from the woman who is dating her son and also three other dudes.

Meanwhile, Jason chats with his brother and brother-in-law and tells them that he thinks he's surpassed the other guys in terms of where his relationship is with Becca. He also says when he's with her, "there's only one word to describe it." We never learn what this one word is but I'm pretty sure it's "boring."

Ultimately nothing dramatic happens and Jason sends Becca off by telling her he loves her and squeezing her head like a lemon.

Oh, Blake
We then head to the set of Twilight for Blake's hometown.
JK y'all, Twilight took place in Washington and this is Colorado. Blake takes Becca to his high school and we learn that during his senior year, there was a school shooting. This was particularly scary for Blake because his sister was also a student and his mom worked there. He recalls hiding in a classroom and finally being led out by SWAT and good lord, Blake has been through a lot. A school shooting. His parents getting divorced because his mom cheated on his dad with his teacher/coach. THE MAN NEEDS LOVE.

After this emotional revelation, Blake and Becca or "Blaka," as I like to call them as of 10 minutes ago, head to what I think is an auditorium where omg, a bunch of people and a concert are awaiting! The show never does this surprise ever!
Except this time, the show actually booked Betty Who, a singer who matters (read: someone I have heard of). She sings and then for all we know ABC just plays a clip from any of their past episodes where they've had the couple dance awkwardly in front of random strangers.
Shout out to this girl who just thought she was coming to a casual Betty Who concert in a high school auditorium and instead has to deal with Blaka making out behind her.

Later, Becca meets his family and his parents are both concerned about this whole situation and don't want Blake to get his heart broken, which is the normal parental response to learning that your child is dating someone who is dating three other people. Y'all, I can't even imagine calling my parents to be like "I'm bringing home my boyfriend. But heads up, he's also in serious relationships with three other women, so you know, play it cool." Mama and Papa Mac don't play dat.

Anyway, Blake's dad tells him to be cautious because if Becca doesn't choose him then...well, he can go on Bachelor on Paradise is what he should've said.

Becca tells Blake's mom that she instantly felt like she knew him and they were on the same wavelength and that she's ready to be engaged again because she's already sold that other ring and doesn't feel like filling in that finger tanline.

Blake sends Becca off by professing his love and kissing her in slow motion. Long live Blaka.

The last section before we get to Tia
Our last hometown date is in Denver with Colton. Becca reminds us that he previously "dated" Tia, something she claims they've "gotten past," which is just a casual comment and not a setup for Tia's appearance later at all.

For the first part of their date, they buy some toys before going to hang out with some kids at the children's hospital.
This was objectively one of the most precious things and Colton honestly seems like a caring guy.

Before meeting his family, Colton tells Becca that he's never really brought a girl home because he takes it very seriously. And for the 589th time this season, we are reminded that he's only been in one serious relationship. At this point, Aly Raisman should get royalties for every time it's mentioned. And wait! Don't put that bat away yet, we're not done beating this dead horse. Colton reiterates that he and Tia only "hung out" once and it wasn't serious.

So now that we've covered the topics we are obligated to hear anytime Colton comes up, Becca meets his family. She tells his mom that she's worried about his lack of relationship (and other) experience, but his mom assures her that she can see him committing and it's clear that he's ready to take the next step with Becca.

Meanwhile, Colton takes time to chat with his dad. And while everyone is concerned about Colton being a newb, his dad is like "YEAH BUT SUP WITH BECCA'S BAGGAGE WITH BEING ENGAGED LIKE A MINUTE AGO? YO, SUP WITH THAT THO?"

Anyway, Colton sends Becca off by telling her he loves her, meaning Becca ends hometown dates week going 4-for-4 on I love you's. Definite resume addition.

Here to steal yo' man
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Becca decides she needs some advice from her "closest" friends, aka the ladies she spent like 12 weeks with and met under a year ago.
Somewhere, her actual best friends are like "Dafuq?"

So Yale Seinne, Weiner Tia, Taxidermy Kendall, Baby Becca and Caroline (who I ran out of nicknames for) listen to Becca recount all of her hometown dates. Let's just relive all of this through Tia's inner monologue because it gives me a reason to share a sliver of the 450 screenshots I took of her lashes and brows:

"I'm so happy hometown dates went well for Becca!"
"Wait, where did I put my lip gloss?"
"Wait, forget the lip gloss. I'm not the Bachelorette. Wtf."
"I wish Becca would stop talking so I can casually tell her that I love Colton."
If the show constantly zooming in and out on her didn't get it away, Tia finally interrupts Becca's live reading of her diary to ask if she can speak to her in private.

Once they're outside on a balcony that is larger than my entire apartment, Tia reveals that hearing Colton is in the top 4 hurts her and has made her realize that she still cares for him. And apparently she just can't imagine leaving without telling Becca. Y'all know that I love Tia. But this is pretty shitty and selfish. Especially since we know Tia is gonna fall in love with Connor on Bachelor in Paradise (If I put it out there, it'll happen).

So we all leave this friend gathering wondering will Becca keep Colton around? Will she send him home to keep her friendship with Tia? Should I get bangs? Stay tuned to find out!

When you finally get to go home and don't have to keep repeating that you've only been in one relationship with an Olympic gymnast
Because she didn't get to see his abs this week, Becca completely forgets why she likes Colton and ends up sending him home. She says it has nothing to do with Tia and she had already made her mind up before their conversation.

Honestly, I was actually pretty shocked because I expected Jason to go. And now, do we think Colton will be the next Bachelor? Or do we think the show will hold off until after Bachelor in Paradise? So we can get to know Venmo John better and he can be it and I can get on the show and we can get married and have super cute Asian babies? I mean any of these options are possible.

What Becca should've based her decision on
These are the dinners that Becca had at each of the guys' homes. I don't even know if this is real food, for all we know it's just printed pictures of food pasted on pieces of styrofoam. Based on these meals, I'd 100% go with Colton because look at that giant mound of mac and cheese. And even though Blake is bringing what appears to be a filet of hot dog, I'd still keep him because of that buttery ass piece of bread. I don't need to provide any reasoning for Jason because the steak speaks for itself. And as it turns out, even in this scenario, Garrett would go because what psychopath fills 2/3 of a plate with salad and only 1/3 with pasta?! A true monster.

So we're down to Count Chocula Jason, Ignorant Garrett and Edward Cullen Blake. Now I'm guessing it'll be Garrett and Blake in the end, and she'll end up choosing Blake. Regardless, the end of the road is near! See you all next week!

Til then, find me sneakily taking pics of your dog and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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