Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of my locker collage of Connor pics. My little croissant is back!
Connor aside, I hate these "Tell All" episodes the most. They're like cafeteria chicken nuggets: all filler and no meat. And just a way to drag out the season and make us wait for the godforsaken 3-hour finale. So anyway, super excited, here we go!

Welcome to the Jordan Show
I don't know who Jordan sent a basket of mini muffins to, but it worked. About half of this garbage episode was dedicated to him and his confusing, yet oddly insightful quotes. Some of my favorites:

-"You can't be Mr. Right Reasons but then treat the Bachelorette wrong."
-(to Colton)"You said you moved on from Tia but then you left on her terms."
-"Are you gonna jump in or fall in, David?"
-"If I want to eat Cap'n Crunch with orange juice, I will."

Think what you will about him, he is unabashedly himself. I imagine for Halloween every year, he just dresses up like himself because he can't imagine being anyone else.

Guys I would like to never see again
I can't believe I've never criticized this before, but good lord what is going on with Chicken's eyebrows. It's like they are desperately trying to reach his sideburns. Kind of like him, they're just stretching out for something that doesn't want them. OOOOH DAMN.

And Jean Blanc, the "colognoisseur," which just means he likes to paste new names onto popular scents and gift them as if he created them. To refresh your memory, he was the one who told Becca he was falling for her approximately 25 seconds after meeting her, which freaked her out, causing him to be like "Omg take backsies, I thought that was what you wanted to hear." A TRUE GEM. He spent the majority of this episode begging to be relevant, even going on stage at some point to gift Becca another bottle of Miss Dior that he clearly taped a piece of paper on that likely said "Miss Becca" or something equally as creative.
To gauge how you should react to this, let's go to Jason and Colton:
Sadly, we'll have to endure Chicken during Bachelor in Paradise, but I think we've wafted away Jean Blanc for now.

Guys I don't remember seeing in the first place
These dudes were about as memorable as a poot in the wind. Who the hell invited the scrubs who got sent home practically right after they arrived? Aside from Grocery Store Joe, we don't care about guys that Becca never learned the name of. And actually, that one dude on the far left (the one who Becca knew from home) didn't speak once during this tell all. For all we know, he's just a prop, cardboard cutout.

Guy in the middle with the bowtie is apparently named Christian. After realizing this is his one chance in the spotlight, he throws some jabs at the star of the evening, Jordan. He tells Jordan that his job (of being a model) is something that he does as a hobby, but that he also has a real job (in finance, high-five bro). Well, this ruffles Jordan's feathers, so he proceeds to challenge Christian to a model-off, which sounds incredibly stupid but that's only because it is.
It's moments like this when I wonder how men in general have survived for this long.

Joe is our Freddie Prinze Jr.
Have y'all seen that Freddie Prinze Jr. classic, "Boys & Girls"? To summarize: FPJ is an ugly duckling as is evident in the fact that he has a bowl cut. He meets this girl when he's a teen and they continue to come across each other at different points in their lives and blah blah. At some point, when they meet in college, he's undergone a She's All That transformation, which just means he got a haircut and contacts. But this reveals that under his sweet demeanor and fugly bowl cut is a smokeshow! So sneaky. Anyway, Grocery Store Joe is like FPJ, except he has skipped right to the hot phase. He just seems so genuinely sweet and unaware of how hot he is. And if there's any time I appreciate a man being unaware it's when I'm trying to eat some of his fries. But also, when he's way hotter than he knows.

I bet Joe's the kind of boyfriend who would see you watching Vanderpump Rules in the living room and instead of judging, would sit down and thoughtfully ask "Wait, what did Jax do to Brittany?" A REAL MAN.

Reminder: Wills was too good for Becca
In the variety pack of chips that is this season that mostly includes plain ass Lays and Ruffles, Wills is the bag of Spicy Doritos. Hands down the most stylish guy and so smart and funny and I DON'T KNOW I GUESS I'LL DATE HIM OKAY STOP PRESSURING ME. During his chat with Chris Harrison, he says that he knew he was falling for Becca when they discovered they both had a love for the same nursery rhyme growing up. PRECIOUS. Too good for this Bach universe.

Remember that really painful time in your life? Let's relive it!
It's so sweet how ABC makes each of these dudes relive their entire breakup with Becca. As if it didn't just happen a couple months ago.
Poor Jason, who was probably the most blindsided by being dumped, cries during his portion. And even sadder than that was the fact that he STILL HASN'T GOTTEN A HAIRCUT.

Let's move on to happier things...

Tia is this season's glitter - she's everywhere and we can't seem to escape her (nor do we want to, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME). If I didn't know any better, I'd think I produced half of this season (or at least, the half with the episodes featuring her).
During Colton's time with Oprah Harrison, he says that he "never thought about Tia," which is laughable considering the fact that he brought her up the most, second only to his tired ass line of "I've only been in one serious relationship." He says that they spent time together before she was on The Bachelor, as if to suggest that it was a long time ago and it meant nothing. To offer some perspective, 3 years ago I was within 25 ft. of Chrissy Teigen for approximately 2 minutes. And that shaped me into the human woman I am today and I think about it every day. So time is moo.

As a reminder, Tia and Colton are both on Bachelor in Paradise. Which speaking of...

The most exciting part of this hot dog water of an episode was the promo for Bachelor in Paradise. From what I can gather, there's lots of crying (shocker) and kissing and butt touching which is all in order, but then...
TIA NOOOOOO. HOW YO' ASS GONNA GET WITH SOME CRAZY KOOKABURRA WHEN HOT ASS CONNOR IS JUST WALKING AROUND BEING FINE AS HELL?! I'm seriously worried, y'all. I'm just hoping this scene was a part of some sort of elaborate game of Truth or Dare in which Tia was dared to kiss the guy she thinks looks most like Joey Fatone.

Was happy to learn that my main Carolina girl Jenna is on the season! While everyone is dramatically crying, here's what Jenna was doing:
I'm hoping I can count on Jenna to go after Connor or Venmo John, especially if Tia's having some sort of crisis where she thinks she likes Chris R.

And I suppose I can't end this post without including some mention of Becca:
Either her hair got longer or she's got some great extensions in. Either way, she looks pretty amazing.

And Jesus Christ, there's an entire shipment of Yankee Candles in that room. That's gotta be at least half of the production budget. I'm shocked that the flames combined with all the hot air didn't set the room on fire.

Anyway, we made it through the Tell All! In which nothing was really told and ABC managed to stretch this thing out for 120 minutes. Actually pretty impressive. See you next week for the marathon finale! Where I assume we'll see Becca choose Blake if she has any sense at all.

Til then, find me eating the Cheez-Its in your pantry and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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