Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's episode is brought to you by Constance Wu wondering why the hell she has to promote "Crazy Rich Asians" during the mother fracking finale of this horrible show:
We're in the Maldives for the finale! Maldives. Not to be confused with the chocolate candy, Maltesers. I know many of you were confusing a country with a bag of chocolate so I'm glad I could create that distinction for you.

Meeting the family
Before Becca can have both of the men she loves meet her family, she prepares by doing sunset yoga in a pose that is known as the "Hands Growing Out of Chest Pose."
Garrett is up first to meet the fam. He talks about how much he cares for Becca and details all of their past dates and says that he knew he was in love with her when she came to meet his family. We find out that he pulled a Kim K (omg sorry to bring her up) and divorced his ex-wife after only two months because of some drama between her and his family. She apparently didn't "fight" to work through whatever these issues were so he thinks their divorce was 100% her fault. WHAT A MAN.

Anyway, he then proceeds to cry while talking to Becca's mom and sister.
Her tells her sister that he will always guard Becca's heart and will choose her every time as if they're going to be in some endless season of this god-forsaken show. Becca's mom thinks that her dad would like how much Garrett clearly loves Becca and in general the family seems to like him a lot.

Next up is Blake (obviously).
Becca tells her family that Blake was the first one she formed a strong bond with and she's been in love with him for a while. When Blake talks with her sister, she says that she can tell how happy Becca is with him and he tells her that they had an instant connection.

Blake also asserts that he gravitates toward strong, independent women (Destiny's Child) and Becca is one of the strongest women he's ever met (he's clearly never bet Ruth Bader Ginsburg who does 500 push ups a day).

We then see a series of clips edited together to illustrate Blake being insecure about her family constantly asking how he would react if she didn't choose him. I was positive he was going to poof into bird feathers when her mom told him that he would be okay if Becca didn't choose him.

In the end, Becca's family all agree that while Garrett is fun and sweet, Blake seems to complement her better and would be a great teammate for her, to both support her and challenge her. They think that Garrett would be more of a risk and they wonder if she would be challenged by him (read: they think he's dumb).

Final dates
For their last date, Becca takes Garrett out on a boat where they "just happen" to come across a pod of dolphins jumping and doing tricks and shit. This show has made me skeptical as hell because I kept thinking that the producers probably hired those dolphin actors to perform around the boat.
After seeing one of the dolphins spiral out of the water, Becca says it reminds her of a "spiral mac and cheese noodle" which might literally be the farthest thing it reminds any human of. A DOLPHIN AND A MAC AND CHEESE NOODLE? Why do we subject ourselves to this.

During their last evening together before the proposal, Garrett actually says a lot of really sweet and insightful things. And while I still do not trust he isn't a garbage person, him saying "I love her so much that I would let her rip my heart out to find the right person" made me involuntarily release an "AWWWW OH MY GOD."
To add to our extensive list of ignored foods, they COMPLETELY ignore what appears to be a heart-shaped chocolate cake, or maybe it's vanilla? OMG WHAT IF IT'S FUNFETTI. The thing about it is WE'LL NEVER KNOW. We'll never know if that was or wasn't just a heart-shaped ding dong covered in red frosting.

Moving on. For her final date with Blake, they ride bikes to the beach where they then go paddle boarding.
Watching Blake smoothly hop on a paddle board with ease while Becca's lazyass just sits on it is pretty impressive. I don't know if you've paddle boarded before but it requires this thing called "balance." I've only done it once and getting onto it was like watching a newborn deer attempt to walk a tightrope while solving a calculus problem. And my center of gravity is pretty low (shoutout to stumpy short legs). So, I mean, if I was Becca and I watched this 8-foot-tall giraffe glide onto a paddle board, I'd let him propose immediately.

During their final evening together, Blake gives her this time capsule, memory box thing that he "made" (sure Jan).
It has a bunch of little photos of them and mementos and little quotes of things they've said to each other, which sorry but that is the dead giveaway that a little production assistant actually made this. Who the hell remembers the exact things they said to someone? Aside from me about my future conversation with Chrissy Teigen, NO ONE.

They end the evening with a rom-com, forehead kiss because I honestly think Blake is just a collection of sensitive male characters from every Nicholas Sparks novel rolled into one lovable burrito.
One ring to rule them all
Here are the rings the dudes pick with some help (all the help) from Neil Lane. Unlike a lot of my friends, I know very little about the semantics of ring design. Literally the only things I judge rings on are size and shininess. Seriously. The comments I make when I see engagement rings are "Omg so pretty!" followed by "HOLY CRAP SO BIG" or "WOW SO SHINY." Those are my go-to's, and I don't say them flippantly, I mean it. Also in the grand scheme of things, who cares if it's pear or oval or banana shaped, as long as it makes your wrist hurt from wearing it all day, that's all that matters.

And remember: "True love isn't measured by the number of precious moments you have, but rather, the number of carats in your engagement ring." --Kristi McNair, Bachelorette scholar, 2018

Which sweaty guy in a suit will Becca pick?
Both of the guys head to the proposal site looking really dapper which is pointless because it is 85 degrees with 100000% humidity, so by the time they reach Becca they both look like melted candles. AND the show makes them walk miles to either get dumped or get on a knee (equally painful).
Dafuq? This show can't afford to Uber them to the site? I feel like both of these guys definitely had swamp ass after this bit from sweating through layers of a suit.

So Blake arrives first, which history has taught us means he's about to get dumped. For anyone who has watched all 450 seasons of this show, has the proposal ever happened with the first person? Like celebrate celebrate party party! Then oh shoot I have to dump someone real quick, brb.

Anyway, Blake shows up looking sweet and also wildly sweaty from hiking 50 miles and starts to spill his heart to Becca about how much he loves her. Becca cuts him off and is like "Shoot sorry bro, I liked you a lot in the beginning and thought it would be you in the end but as it turns out, nah." And you guys, you can actually hear and see his heart shattering. It's so devastating. He keeps asking when her feelings changed and she pulls an Arie and can't really explain herself. So he tells her one last time that he loves her and then scurries off to cry while she sees if she can lick her own bellybutton.
Becca has a few dramatic moments where she talks to herself and says she's "can't breathe," which is obviously cured by bending over and putting her head as low as possible. After approximately 4 minutes of drama, she decides that's enough and she's ready to get engaged.
Garrett shows up and delivers his love speech before Becca interrupts him to be like "Omg bro I LOVE YOU and I choose you Pikachu!" And he's ecstatic for her to finally say she loves him and honestly I give her props for saving her one "I love you" for the guy she picked (yo F U Arie, still). He proposes and she's like hell yeah, f'in right, and they kiss and pour themselves the biggest glasses of wine that I'm guessing they still didn't drink even though they've both lost pints of water weight.
And with that sweaty ass proposal, we reach the end of this tunnel that as it turns out isn't a tunnel and is just a circular road that wait is actually just a hamster wheel because we are trapped on this Bachelor/Bachelorette torture wheel forever.

After the party is the...After the Final Rose
During After the Final Rose, Blake gets to relive his dumping live, which is so sweet of ABC to do. And he hasn't seen Becca since she dumped him in the Maldives, so it only seems right that he reunites with her for the first time in front of millions of strangers.
He asks her again where their relationship went wrong and she continues to Arie him by being like *shrug*. He tells her that he hopes she's happy and he has no ill feelings toward her and he's grateful she was his Bachelorette. Good guy, Blake. I mean, not good enough to be the next Bachelor, I'm pretty sure, but sweet nonetheless.

We then get to have some really enthralling conversation with Becca and Garrett who are together in public as an engaged couple for the first time.
I'm kidding about the enthralling part, they're about as enthralling as stale rice cake crumbs stuck in a public bus seat. This segment mostly includes them staring at each other, Becca squeezing Garrett's bicep, both of them repeatedly saying "Yeaaaaah" and entirely too many orders of fake laughing. Garrett does, however, address his social media idiocy and again apologizes and says he didn't know how much "likes" on Instagram could affect or hurt people. Becca says this caused a bit of strife in their relationship but they've gotten over it together and she's helping to teach him, I guess to not be racist and sexist and anti-immigrant. Sure.

And then the show rewards them with a soccer mom van as a hat tip to how Garrett showed up on the first night in a van and I feel like I've lost years off my life and my cholesterol has skyrocketed from hate eating fries.
Final thoughts on this boring ass season
Becca's season was like having braces for 5 years only to have them removed to reveal teeth in an even more crooked state. Long as hell, really unsatisfying and oddly confusing in the end. And I was excited for this season initially because I felt like she deserved a chance at love after that boiled chicken effed her over! But then I think we all realized that aside from that drama, there wasn't much else going on. It's why the producers had to continually bring my main girl Tia back to stir the crock pot.

As far as the next Bachelor goes, I'm not fully convinced it'll be Colton or Jason or Blake. None of them seem particularly off-the-charts. Though, this wack ass show let Nick Viall be the Bachelor, so, it's clear that the bar is pretty low. I think we'll have to see how Bachelor in Paradise plays out and also how my campaign for it to be Connor hits the social media sphere.

Thanks to everyone who stayed with me on this Tom Hanks' Castaway raft of a season! Please join me as we sail straight into the dumpster fire of Bachelor in Paradise. See you tonight for that!

Til then, find me eating the crusts of your pizza and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

I leave you with this final reminder of dancing Blake:

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