Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 3)

Sorry for missing last week, but I was home with my family and there was no way I was subjecting my lovely mother to this horrendous show. But I think it's safe to say I didn't miss much as the ship continues to sink.

This week's post is brought to you by the short-lived return of Caroline's facial expressions:

After careful deliberation, I've decided I would 100% be like Caroline. She shows up, goes after the richest, smartest, sweetest dude (Venmo John), then proceeds to alternate between being awkward as hell and snarky before going home after being on the show for a week. Doing it right.

"It's time to cook the f'n goose"
Poor man's Ben Stiller, aka Chris R., reveals he is in fact a major asshole. This piece of moldy fruit got a little friendly with Krystal last week after Tia went to bed, so she of course confronts him about it.

Here's the full gamut of Tia's facial expressions as she attempts to have a rational conversation with an irrational Goose:

And here's a recap of their conversation (try to match her facial expressions!):

Tia: Yo, you told me you liked me and wouldn't go on any other dates with anyone.
Chris (internal panicking): What, I do like you a lot, what are you even talking about. You're crazy.
Tia: You kissed Krystal.
Chris: Well that's only because you were hanging out with Colton, I still like you a lot, a lot a lot.
Tia: Whatevs dude, I'm out. This is done.
Chris: WELL I ALREADY DECIDED BEFORE YOU DID, THAT I DON'T LIKE YOU, SO THERE. I SAID IT FIRST. I BROKE UP WITH YOU FIRST.

To add to the drama, we learn that Colton was the one who let Tia know of Chris R.'s tomfoolery. Also, because a producer undoubtedly made Krystal do it, she joins in on their conversation making things completely non-awkward. She makes it clear that she likes Chris R. and he makes it clear that he likes tequila, leaving her to get a drink after Tia breaks up with him.

Krystal then goes to sit on a corner of the grotto to cry, flanked by a fresh margarita and what appears to be a basket of gigantic pompoms and balls of yarn.

The artistry of this show is unmatched.

"All my eggs are in his basket"
No, Tia isn't talking about a really delicious breakfast food. Welcome to the agonizing Dawson and Joey "will they or won't they" situation with Tia and Colton. To summarize, Tia likes Colton and only wants to date Colton. And Colton clearly likes Tia and only wants to date Tia (he actually turns down Jacqueline's date request). So, what does this stale crouton do? HE GETS EMO AND INDECISIVE OVER DATING TIA. It makes exactly zero sense. It'd be like if I went to a chocolate chip cookie buffet and was like "Oh, I love chocolate chip cookies! But there are only chocolate chip cookies here. WHAT DO I DO?"

Source

While Colton is having an existential crisis, Tia is all but begging him to pick her. And finally, after writing a post on his Myspace and listening to some sad Drake songs, Colton decides he and Tia "owe it" to themselves to give their relationship an honest try. She is more excited than starving me showing up to a Chinese buffet and quietly says to him "You picked me." If that ain't a line from "One Tree Hill" or "The O.C." I don't know what is.

As the camera pans away while they're kissing, we hear Tia say "Use your tongue." HAHA YOU GUYS. This is why I've always thought he looks like a bad kisser. I've never seen someone clench their lips so tight together. It's like he thinks another woman's mouth is a frozen pole in winter and his tongue will get stuck to it if it gets anywhere near it.

Later, they are obviously given a date card because in this season of Colton's Creek, we need at least one episode of the couple actually happy. They walk around a market before heading to this square to be surprised by fellow Weiner-ite Raven who found love with Adam during her blip on BIP.

Source

They participate in some cheesy couples version of musical chairs which SURPRISE SURPRISE Tia and Colton win:

After this, Tia and Raven sit down for some frand time. Raven says she isn't sure of Colton's intentions because it's clear he is just after the "it" girl, which Tia absolutely was for her season. Tia refutes this by saying she's "really good" at reading people and at this point Raven realizes reason is out the window and delivers what must be the best line of the season: "If this ends badly, I'm gonna cut his penis off and then he can't ever lose that virginity." I HOLLERED.

Tia and Colton then have their 35th heart-to-heart of the episode which ends with Colton asking Tia to be his girlfriend (15-year-old me says AWWWW). She responds as such:

Jacqueline is definitely a horse girl
Y'all remember Jacqueline from Arie's season. She's like a mix of Anne Hathaway and Winona Ryder and 100% decorated her locker with Lisa Frank horse stickers.

She arrives and after failing to swoop in on Colton, asks Kenny on a date. This upsets Annaliese, who has decided that because Kenny is easy to talk to and actually listens when she speaks, is the love of her life.

So Jacqueline and Kenny head out on a date. She drinks what looks like a tall glass of lukewarm Corona and tells him that she enjoys the opera and he calls her pretentious for having gold binoculars. Really enthralling stuff. They kiss underneath fireworks, which I've decided must eat up about 50% of the show's budget. These people are all going to have a hard time adjusting to dates in the real world where literal fireworks don't happen every time.

Within 4 seconds of Kenny returning to the villa, Annaliese swoops in and is like OH HAI COME HERE I PREPARED A DATE FOR US. So he's like ok cool. And then they eat yogurt? I have no idea what it is. And Kenny takes off his shirt and Annaliese says she likes him and they enjoy a yogurt-breathed makeout session.

Source

Before the Rose Ceremony, Annaliese, Jacqueline AND Bibiana throw their hats in the ring for Kenny, who being the thoughtful gentleman he is, makes out with all of them. You know, being thorough in his search for love. He ultimately gives a rose to Annaliese, sending Jacqueline home in the same week she arrived. ON HER BIRTHDAY. To be honest, that strawberry tart looks like a better relationship than anything on this show, so maybe horse girl won afterall.

Source

"The two crazies in the corner who deserve each other"
Shout out to Canadian Kevin for telling Krystal that's who she and Chris R. are. We get a glimpse into one of their super deep conversations, which includes Krystal telling him that she is "just normal" and likes "cooking and food and investing in a Roth IRA." Casual. Three things that naturally go together. I personally enjoy my Roth somewhat thick and hate it when it's watery.

While Krystal is bearing her IRA soul, Chris R. proceeds to place his hand on her butt like he's never touched a butt before. I can actually hear his idiotic man thoughts saying "THIS IS A BUTT. I TOUCH."

NORTH CAROLINA, COME ON AND RAISE UP
Since I didn't post last week, I didn't get to yell about Jenna's arrival! My main North Carolina girl!

Source

And in true Carolina girl form, she has gotten a man (Jordan) to fall in love with her in a week. During the Rose Ceremony, he shows up in an outfit that I assume he got from some beach shop in Florida and proceeds to throw a temper tantrum when Chicken gives Jenna a giant stuffed dog.

Source

As you can imagine, this turns Jenna off, but not enough to deny his rose (because I mean she still wants to stay on the show, there's free tequila y'all!). But she makes it clear that she's just waiting for fresh meat to arrive so she can move on from Jordan.

And Jenna gets just that when our little croissant Benoit arrives. No longer engaged to Clare (from Bachelor Winter Games), he's ready to dive back into the super successful dating pool of the Bachelor franchise. He chooses Jenna for his date card, which Jordan responds to by being the bigger man and trash talking Benoit from a distance.

So Jenna and Benoit go on a date to a local restaurant where they ignore what appears to be four tortellini complemented by four grape tomatoes and a dry ass piece of steak. MMM SO YUMMY.

Jenna, who is sporting a super cute red lip, eventually spreads this red lipstick all over Benoit. I could not stop laughing. He looks like he used Kool-Aid as Chapstick. Or was wildly eating a Popsicle.

Source

Post lipstick sharing, they return to the villa where Jordan is waiting to win Jenna's heart back. He writes "I'm sorry" in the sand and apologizes for being a dodo bird at the last Rose Ceremony and tells her that he really likes her and that there is "only one Jenna." Jenna then struggles with deciding if she still likes Jordan or if she should pursue Benoit. Should I date this male "model" or this lil' French baguette who was just engaged literally 2 minutes ago? The classic internal battle we all experience.

"He's just tasting all the porridge"
Jordan so eloquently describes our newest arrival, Leo, and his process for deciding which lucky blonde lady he will take on a date. Sorry not sorry that this is the best screenshot I got of him.

He ends up choosing Taxidermy Kendall, which really burns Grocery Joe's britches. She chats with Joe before going on her date and they share this painfully awkward embrace/kiss/wrist hug:

Source

I CAN'T STOP WATCHING THIS. YOU GUYS. LOOK AT HIS HANDS AS HE ATTEMPTS TO HUG HER. I have seen water and milk produce more sparks than this.

Kendall and Leo's date is weird as hell as they pose for photos for a "romance novel." And the show makes us endure the plot line of this "novel" through characters played by the boiled chicken himself, Arie, and one of the Lauren's from his season (who even knows which one, does he even know).

I have never experienced such a strong aversion to someone like I do to Arie. He actually makes me recoil. I just imagine his hands are always oily and he smells like hot dogs and I hate oily hands and hot dog body odor.

Anyway, Leo and Kendall take pics and then makeout and she realizes she may like a guy she can share Costco-sized bottles of conditioner with. I personally could never date a man who would double the amount of times we would have to snake our shower drain, but to each her own.

Kendall returns to the villa and finds herself in a pickle as she thinks Leo would be best for her in the long run, but she still cares for Joe. Meanwhile, Leo makes out with Chelsea, maybe because he confuses Chelsea for Kendall? There are just so many blonde women on this show.

Thank goodness for Venmo John

Sadly Caroline loses out to Jubilee in the battle for Venmo John, but their fight for his attention gives us this moment of Jubilee realizing how hot his bod is. Just want to reemphasize that John is, hands down, the best guy on this show. I bet he's the kind of boyfriend who, even though you say you don't want a snack from the gas station when y'all stop, gets you Doritos anyway. SWOON.

Okay ABC, we've all seen butts

If anything, putting giant black boxes over the girls' butts just draws more attention to them. Unless these aren't even censor boxes and Kendall, Krystal and Jenna just all coincidentally brought the same pair of black box bottoms. I don't know much about fashion, so that could be the case.

Sausage kissing
Oh this is just a pic of Canadian Kevin and Astrid making out after both taking bites of German sausage.

I'm not making any sort of sexual innuendo when I say as gross as watching them do this was, it still made me want to eat sausage? Like it looked pretty good? I just really love a good sausage.

And with that declaration, I'll wrap up this post by sharing my favorite moment of the night:

That's Venmo John eating what looks to be some sort of dessert, maybe banana bread? Or bread pudding? While hot personal trainer Eric looks directly at the camera and Jenna shows off her cute pantsuit. This show is slowly killing me.

See you next week! Til then, find me eating all the cookies in your cookie jar and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).