Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by Tia making this face while impersonating Connor, who she thinks is a douchebag.
Which, speaking of...

My little beef wellington Connor arrived this week! I can only assume that God mixed equal parts of "hot" with "really hot" along with a dash of dimples to create this man. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to see shirtless Connor in person. I only hope I have some detergent handy so I can do my laundry on those washboard abs.

Anyway, Connor arrives and I'll just let Krystal and Jenna speak for all of us:
Krystal so bravely admits that Connor is her type, which spoiler alert: Hot is everyone's type. Jenna adds to this by describing Connor as a Greek god that she would like a memory foam pillow of. I love Jenna.

And apparently, Connor came here for Krystal because they have so much in common! Here's a comprehensive list:

1) They're both personal trainers
2) ...

So he pulls her away to chat first and tells her that he came here to meet her. She admits that she also came on the show hoping to meet him. She then throws in a Kim K-sized but with "....but I'm with Chris now and we're in a good place." Connor says he understands and it seems that he'll move on to ask one of the other blonde women on a date.

While Connor and Krystal are talking, Chris is like:
He repeatedly says he's "confident" and not worried at all about Connor, but his knees that are bouncing more than messages sent to a fake email address I gave a guy once, say otherwise.

Krystal returns to Chris, who is clearly afraid he's about to be dumped again. You can actually see relief washing over his face when she tells him she's smitten with him and would deny a date card with Connor.

But then cut back to Connor, who within that 3 minutes of Krystal's chat with Chris, has decided he still wants to ask Krystal. So he pulls her aside and says he knows she has a thing going with Chris, but he would still like to get to know her. So he asks her and she says yes. HAHA Y'ALL. She goes over to Chris to tell him that Connor asked her and she said yes because she wants to ensure she's "being respectful" of everyone. And this is the face of a man who is clearly not fine:
I wish Krystal had just been honest and told Chris "Um Connor is fine as hell so I'm def going out with that little filet mignon. See you when I get back, byeeeeeee."

So Connor and Krystal go on this "spiritual" date where a dude buries them in the sand and wafts giant leaves over them before Connor crawls around howling like a wolf.
It's like the producers let Krystal write this entire portion of the episode. They obviously ended the date by making out in the water because if you go on a date with Connor's hot ass and don't kiss him, your family will be cursed for life.

But even after all of this, Krystal comes back to Chris. Very confusing.

Why does Kenny keep coming on these shows
If we may recall, Kenny left Rachel's season of The Bachelorette because he didn't want her to meet his daughter unless they were for sure about their relationship (which, she ended up choosing giant hair plug Bryan, so it's a good thing he left).

This week he decides to leave BIP because he can't miss his daughter's recital. Okay and y'all, this again makes complete sense. But here's the thing, WHY DOES HE KEEP AGREEING TO DO THESE SHOWS? Does he think they film in one day or something? Someone should really tell him that the whole point of The Bachelor franchise is to rip you from your family, true friends and rational thinking to place you in a scenario that convinces you that you're in love with whatever moving object is in the vicinity of you.

Anyway, Annaliese is really upset over this since she's pretty much put all her eggs in his basket.
But then, thankfully a new egg basket shows up...

Things I don't care about: Kamil
Annaliese is "heartbroken" over Kenny for approximately the amount of time it takes to eat one M&M. The moment Kamil arrives, she is in love and I can already see the note she's written him asking him to go to the winter formal.
The things that Annaliese says she and Kamil have in common:

1) They've both had "traumatic" experiences at carnivals
2) ....

Kamil ultimately chooses Annaliese for his date and they ride in a buggy across some rickety ass bridge before making out under a waterfall.
I still don't really like Kamil based on how he acted during his 15-seconds on Becca's season of The Bachelorette. Remember, he was the 60/40 guy? Who told her she should meet him 60% of the way and he'll go 40%. No. I never forget these dumbass things.

I love Canadian bacon
I've always felt kind of blah about Kevin. Until this week. He admits to Astrid that he wishes they had some strife in their relationship to test their bond, also addressing the big fat elephant in the room that the environment of Bachelor in Paradise IS NOT NORMAL. And he's just skeptical of the whole experience because so far, he's 0 for 2 (dumped on Canada's version of The Bachelorette and by Ashley on Bachelor Winter Games). In response, Astrid is initially like:
She assumes Kevin is like all of these other garbage dudes who want to "test the waters" with all of the ladies. But he clarifies that she's perfect and he is just scared of her breaking up with him because she's all he wants. YOU GUYS. I know I hate this show, but you can actually tell how genuine he's being. And he has a reason to be skeptical, since he has (seemingly) found happiness on the show before only to have reality be like NAHHH BRAH.

Anyway, Astrid finally sees where he's coming from and tells him how strong her feelings are for him. And they have a really cute date that includes a fake TV and a tray of snacks and we all realize that beefy, firefighter, James Marsden-looking Kevin is a sweetheart.

"Kissing is a handshake in Paradise"
As a reminder, Kendall likes her Skechers (Leo) but she loves her Prada backpack (Grocery Joe). She still can't decide which one should get her coveted rose, but luckily, Kevin helps her finalize her decision. He accidentally mentions that Leo kissed Chelsea, thinking that Kendall already knew (since everyone else on the show and across the globe and universe knew). From this moment, I mostly want to point out this disgusting ass couch lounge thing that Kendall and Kevin chat on:
Anyway, after Kevin spills the beans, Kendall is like WHA and decides to confront Leo about it.

And you guys, Leo morphs into every cliche of an asshole guy from every movie. He says that "everybody is kissing everybody" and that his kiss with Chelsea was more of a "peck" to "get to know her." I gotta tell you, I meet a lot of new people pretty often and not once have I kissed any of them on the mouth in an effort to become acquainted.

So as Kendall is confirming that he did kiss Chelsea, Leo claims that everyone is lying to which Chelsea asks "everyone is lying about you kissing Chelsea?" And Leo suddenly becomes an engineer with the number of wells he produces. "WELL WELL WELL no WELL they're not lying about me kissing Chelsea but WELL they're lying about everything else." Kendall's reaction:
Prince Charming continues his spiel by telling Kendall she's an excellent actress, insinuating that she faked having a great time on their date and having any interest in him. And with that Kendall realizes he's worth about as much to her as a used Band-Aid.

And if by this point, everyone didn't think Leo was a ding dong, he goes around saying there's a snitch and how kissing isn't a big deal on Paradise. This is the face of a cool, calm and collected dude that totally doesn't turn off all of the women and humans in a 20 mile radius:
He keeps yelling that there's a snitch and also "Everybody is kissing everybody!" sounding like me when I failed a test and told my mom that "everybody" did bad only for my teacher to tell her that I was literally the only one who failed. TEACHER'S ARE SUCH SNITCHES. Kevin eventually tells him he told Kendall by accident, but that she deserved to know.

Anyway, with Leo out of the picture, things seem back on track for Kendall and Joe, who might be the most loyal guy on the show. Except wait they're not, because Kendall isn't done with this show's platter of free samples.
The show completely glazes over the fact that Jubilee went home after John told her he only wanted to be friends. So now he's free to get in this really long line to win Kendall's affections. They sneak away for a bit to chat and end up kissing, which only makes Kendall realize she's done with all these free samples and ready to buy a full-sized cup of Joe.

And y'all he's just been patiently waiting while she explores her "curiosities" and welcomes her back with open arms.

The Jordan/Jenna/Benoit triangle becomes a line
Here is Jenna after she tells Jordan and Benoit that she won't kiss either of them until she chooses one of them:
Haha, I love Jenna. She spends most of this week with a raspy voice, I assume because of all the drunk yelling she does. And I mean that as a compliment. If you don't speak at max level volumes when you're drunk, what is even the point.

After canoodling with both of them and making us think she's going to pick Benoit, she chooses Jordan, leaving Benoit to scramble to find a connection with another blonde woman. Which leads us to...

Welcome to Chelsea's season of The Bachelorette
At this point, everyone is coupled up except for Chelsea and four dudes: Connor, Chicken, Benoit and Venmo John. So ahead of the Rose Ceremony, they all flaunt their feathers, attempting to convince her that they all of a sudden have a strong interest in her when Connor has literally never spoken to her.
Benoit tells her that he could see a future with her, which I hope by "future" he means the next episode because claiming to see a long-term relationship with someone you've said 4 words to is a little kookoo. Unless you are me and those 4 words are "Oh, hi Shawn Mendes."

Eventually, Chelsea follows her heart's liking for dad jokes and picks Venmo John.
Makes me want a hot dog real bad
During the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Colton surprises Tia with some hot dogs because she said she was craving them. See, this is what men should always do. A woman says she wants food. Man then surprises her with it. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. They proceed to eat hot dogs then makeout before fighting with a couple of the wieners. I love them and won't be silenced.
Tia also does this pretty great bro impression of Connor and says she thinks he's a douchebag. Which, yes, that is likely 120% true. But it's like they say: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; See a Connor once in your life and you feed that long-term memory forever.

Also I love that Tia and Colton are just this normal couple now with zero drama. We get so many shots of them just napping or sitting around. But, with this bliss I can only assume angsty drama is around the corner. I've seen enough seasons of shows on The CW to know this.

"Grocery store bitch"
Ahead of the ladies giving out their roses, Leo obviously knows he isn't getting one. So he uses his last opportunity in Paradise to berate Kendall and insult everybody. What a catch, ya know. He ends his crazy ass speech by wishing Kendall good luck with "grocery store bitch." Which, in his defense is kind of funny.
Joe yells at him to say it to his face (which, I thought he already did) and they decide to fight this out by getting as close to each other as possible. Whoever exhales the most air loses. Leo actually ends up throwing his drink on Joe before one of the show's producers flies through the air to prevent them from fighting.

And with that, we bid crazypants Leo adieu. Along with Connor, Chicken and Benoit.

Go big or...please go home
We start to wrap up this week with Eric Bigger and Angela finally get to go on a date. And it might be the best date yet.
They're taken away from this sweaty, outdoor cabana situation to a fancy hotel FULL OF SEAFOOD AND CHAMPAGNE AND A LITTLE POOL AND CHEESE AND A GOLD TOILET.
Which, speaking of cheese. I think Eric is pretty hot, but I find him awfully cheesy. It's like he speaks in cliches and quotes from sitcoms. But during this date, he's pretty sweet to Angela and they seem to be on the same page as far as where their relationship is heading.

But then, that page is ripped out of the book when, to quote Tia, "Hot ass Cassandra comes in." For reference, this is Cassandra:
Eric loses his mind and completely forgets everything he told Angela, including that he wouldn't accept a date with anyone. After accepting one with Cassandra, he tells Angela that while he did say he wouldn't go out with anyone, he said that YESTERDAY, I mean gosh guys that was at least 12 hours ago. And today he magically woke up feeling different. Aka, Cassandra arrived and Men in Black wiped all memories of his promises to Angela. He tells Angela that the date "doesn't mean anything" and that he needs to "test the waters." UM NO. If Eric needs to "test the waters" maybe Angela needs to "test the resiliency of his jaw." By punching it.

Angela goes to vent to the ladies and says she doesn't want to talk shit about Eric, prompting Astrid to say "NO LET'S DO IT," which only makes me love Astrid more. If there's anything that is medically proven to cure an aching heart, it's shit talking about a dude. Works 110% of the time.

And that's where we're left! Sad that my little chicken nugget Connor only lasted one week, but luckily that means he's free to date me, which was once again, his plan all along.

See you all next week! Til then, find me eating all of the General Tso's chicken samples at the mall food court and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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