Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 1)

Since I was able to nap through this last season of The Bachelorette, I figured, why not dedicate that saved time and energy into a new show? Because I'm obviously not putting it toward fruitful things like learning about a 401K or how to make a lasagna. So join me as we dive headfirst into the shallowest end ever, aka, Bachelor in Paradise!
To intro everything (because this show is so complex), the show begins with 19 former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants. It takes place on a beach in Mexico because it is mandatory for us to be in an environment that promotes showing as much body'ody as possible. And each week, new people arrive and people who don't couple up are sent home.

Aren't you glad I explained that incredibly elaborate setup? Let's jump in!

Oh, remember how Kendall is weird
Taxidermy Kendall is back! And it seems that for now, she's one of the more popular ladies. The guys, initially at least, all flock to her like she's a sample tray of beef jerky.

During some one-on-one time with Grocery Joe, Kendall talks about liking to hang out in cemeteries because "there's no one there, just dead people." Which oh wow, Kendall, already turning on the charm. She then proceeds to ask Joe if he's ever seen a dead person and this is the point where I tell you she can be weird as hell and guys won't get restraining orders because she's hot. Oh sure. But whenever I cut out letters from a magazine to spell "love" and paste them onto a piece of paper to mail to Shawn Mendes with a vial of my blood, I'm deemed "creepy" and also "really creepy." DOUBLE STANDARD.
Kendall's cemetery talk works and she ends up making out with Joe for a bit.

In more important news, you all will be relieved to know that I finally realized who Kendall looks like. Meredith Blake! Dear God that has been bugging me.
Now that I've figured this out, I can only assume world peace will follow.

So it seems that in the time since The Bachelor ended, Ursula gave Krystal her voice back because she sounds completely normal as opposed to that weird breathy, Jackie-O voice she was putting on before. But let's not judge her because she tells us that "The Bachelor was a very stressful situation." Which okay sure, but also I've been in many stressful situations, and not once has any of them caused my voice to change into a fantasy phone operator's.

But now, she is a totally different person. When Krystal was on The Bachelor, she was like this weird combination of Betty Boop, a 1950's Playboy bunny and Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. And now she's just a normal sounding person who likes to eat chips. I don't hate her.

I related to her the most in terms of how her first episode went. She arrived to Hot People Beach all positive and peppy and ready to party hardy.
But then Grocery Joe, who caught her eye the most, decided to focus his attention on Taxidermy Kendall. And she decided to focus her attention on some pita and hummus.
This is exactly what I look like after any night that includes more than 1/2 of an alcoholic drink.

A Tale of Two Tia Dates
Okay everything I've said before this is just filler to make you think I'm watching this show for anything other than Tia. Y'all know she's my #1 from Arie's season. And as if I am the producer for this show, 85% of the premiere episode focuses on her.

She spends most of this time pining for Colton and saying she only came on the show because she thought he would be on it too. Which, I mean I can relate to. Similar to when I agree to go out to dinner with people I don't particularly like because I think there may be chicken fingers.

Anyway, the show gives her the first date card. And since Colton isn't there, she's like "WOE IS ME, TO HAVE TO PICK ONE OF THESE OTHER HOT ASS MEN TO GO OUT WITH."
After pacing back and forth on the beach while holding this card as if doing so will make Colton materialize, she decides to take Chris R., aka Chandler's crazy roommate Eddie, on the date.

Their dinner goes well and Tia starts to realize that GASP there may be other men out there besides Colton, who by the way, hasn't talked to her since they saw each other on Becca's season. I hate to admit this, but Chris R. is kind of sweet and anyway they end up smushing their faces together.
They're all cute the next day too and Tia finally seems to be getting over Colton, which means it's the perfect time for Colton to arrive (GOD I HATE YOU ABC, CAN TIA JUST GET HAPPINESS).
He arrives and is very sweaty and all I want for him to do is take off his shirt. For health reasons of course, because it's 150 degrees and also I will die if I don't see those abs (said Becca).

After giving Tia an ass out, one-armed friend hug, Colton proceeds to pull Kendall away to chat. He then talks to Angela, then every single one of the guys, then some of the crew, then a couple monkeys, then actually he gives me a call too. He basically talks to everyone but Tia. THE ONE PERSON HE NEEDS TO TALK TO. Also, we learn that their relationship was clearly not just a "weekend fling" as was insinuated on The Bachelorette.

After avoiding her harder than my 5th grade eyebrows avoiding tweezers, he asks her to join him on a date (he was awarded a date card when he first arrived). When he asks her, she is more excited than me at a southern buffet when they bring out fresh fried chicken.

So they go on a boat date and talk through their "situation," whatever that means. He tells her that he was in love with Becca and kind of says that Tia may have ruined that. Then there's more dramatic talking and it seems like their date is going straight down the pooper until:
To recap: Even though Colton spent an entire season of a show dismissing Tia, then ignored her for months, she decides she can forgive him and she is my close friend so I'm not going to judge her except WTF YES I AM. GIRL WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

I would like to conclude this section by thanking ABC for spending an entire episode on Tia, despite this debauchery with Colton. But if they think that doing so will convince me to watch this entire season, well, yes that is correct I am weak and will watch every second.

Who is this man
This is Nick, the random dude Becca kept around for several weeks but NEVER talked to. He was the one who showed up to a Rose Ceremony in mobster resort wear. Anyway, I have no idea why the show allowed this dingle berry to be a cast member. And I don't like to judge someone I do not know except for on every post on this blog, but Nick is 100% a bro who does bicep curls in the squat rack, calls most women "chicks" and thinks Saturdays are for the boys.

On this particular evening, he sets his sights on Chelsea. Which, that's her knee in the picture above. I feel the need to point that out because it appears to be a random appendage. In an effort to win her over, he tells her she is a "snack" then follows that homerun up with "I have this weird attraction to you." And either one of his eyes is constantly semi-closed or he ate 12 pot brownies and washed them down with 10 bottles of tequila. We'll never know. But Chelsea isn't having it (she's a mom and only has time for one child in her life) and tells him she's tired and going to bed. He asks to walk her to her room, which doesn't matter because before he can even finish his sentence, there are literally clouds of dust from the speed at which she leaves his vicinity.

I've spoken to every human and we unanimously agree that Nick must leave immediately. In fact, if there's a way for us to go back in time so we don't have to experience a second of him, that would be great.

The actual best guy among this trash fire
As a gentle reminder, John is a software engineer and one of the co-founders of Venmo. To translate even further: HE CUTE, HE SMART, HE RICH. Also, based on his Instagram which I regularly creep on, he is incredibly sweet and a genuinely good guy. SO WHY ISN'T EVERY SINGLE WOMAN FLOCKING TO HIM?

I would beeline straight for him and ask to Venmo his John (I've been waiting a while to use that one).

Why Bachelor in Paradise is better than The Bachelor/Bachelorette
ABC is not messing around with this show. Practically every scene features some sort of drunk food - from chips and guacamole to fries to quesadillas to whatever it is that's on Astrid's fork up there. I'm thinking this food is necessary to ensure no one dies from the tequila transfusion they're receiving every day. Honestly, who even cares about love. I would ask for endless plates of chips and sit out on the beach. Because then at least when I'm sent home for not making connections with anyone except a bowl of guacamole, I'll be tan and maybe a little bloated but happy. SNACKS WILL NEVER TELL YOU THEY DON'T LOVE YOU.

Okay also, I didn't watch Nick Viall's lame ass season, so I had no prior knowledge of Astrid.
But based on the number of times we see her eating chips while wearing big ass hoops, I've decided she may be my new spirit guide. Look at that guacamole to chip ratio! Astrid knows what's up.

Bottomline: Bachelor in Paradise is already INFINITELY better than Becca's season. And if the chips and Tia time continue, maybe better than the entire franchise.

As an FYI, since episodes will now start airing on Monday and Tuesdays, I'll likely wait until after Tuesday to blog so I can recap the academic events that occur on both days in one post.

Til then, find me at Danity Kane Fan Club meetings and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). See you next week!

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